I am starting this thread out with a
...these are my personal feelings... not everyone is wired like me or wants the same things in Life & Matrimony.. As with any thread.. take my views with a grain of salt.. Feel free to expand upon this, open this discussion with your variation of thoughts & feelings.. what works for You & yours...
Ever since joining this forum, it's something I've noticed said time & time again, always defended...yet it's rubbed me the wrong way.. "the spirit of it" mostly...... I would CRINGE living with it.. and frankly.. if my husband had it or I...it would cause our romance to slowly wither & DIE..
Upon reading another of Harley's books (Author of His Needs, Her Needs
) .... I came upon his explaining IT... he has it listed as one of the "Love Busters" (opposite of our emotional needs, this is what will put a fork through us, losing that loving feeling) ...among those are: 1
. Selfish Demands 2
. Disrespectful Judgments 3
. Angry Outbursts 4
. Dishonesty 5
. Annoying Habits.... and 6
. "Independent Behavior"...
How often do we hear others argue that true happiness comes from within, that each person should be responsible for his or her own happiness...seems a shift from the 60's "ME ME ...it's all about me" generation...
we no longer believe we can make or should even try to make another person happy, even the one we took vows to Love, Honor & Cherish... that just doesn't work for me..
Deep down we all know we have an affect
on other people...what we do, our words, our attitude, our actions speak, giving of our time, our willingness to "be there" when it may not have been convenient even can mean a great deal to someone.. those "little things".....we've all brightened another's day ...
And we've also hurt someone.... Basically... we can also make others "miserable" with our selfishness , and thoughtlessness if we're not careful..
Questions to ask: Are you making some of your decisions as if your spouse doesn't exist...this being habitual, are they Ok with it? ...Do you ask / seek how the other feels about your plans, or just forge ahead & do what pleases you
This Love Buster represents any activity that fails to take your spouse's feelings & interests into account..... With a lack of empathy here, it's easy to fall into "independent behavior" as we're conveniently pushing aside the other's feelings, making light of them...if they are on the passive side, they may push down their protests, but feel the pain none the less, or in due time.. a divide takes place, snapping begins....
Seems some have been conditioned to react .."You're not my Mother (or father), "Stop trying to control me!" ... "Why should I have to have Your permission for something I want to do?"... "It's my body, I'll do what I want with it"...
Every situation is different, of course.. there ARE selfish controlling spouses... don't misunderstand..
BUT what if... it really has nothing ever to do with CONTROL....but instead about "THOUGHTFULNESS"... You're being controlled when someone forces you to do something that's GOOD for HIM or her, but BAD for you.. for their selfish gain, generally.
But "Thoughfulness" is entirely different.. You're being thoughtful when you decide not to do something that's good for you but hurtful /inconsiderate to your spouse (find that middle ground as best you can)..... this gets to the heart of what Independent Behavior really is...Thoughtlessness..It's running roughshod over the feelings of your spouse so you can be a little happier, getting your cake, but they are missing theirs.
*** A wise alternative to Independent Behavior is Interdependent Behavior....which benefits both of you simultaneously. You are both happy and neither of you suffers... making decisions with each other's interests and feelings in mind.