Advice for a young couple - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-26-2016, 10:13 AM
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Re: Advice for a young couple

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This is exactly what happened to us. First one leaves next week.
I still got a while I have a feeling when the 3rd one is finally leaving the older 2 will be moving back in with us lol.

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post #17 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-26-2016, 10:24 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Advice for a young couple

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The fact is most marriages don't end in divorce and due to that there are plenty of long lasting marriages. My parents just had their 55 anniversary this week. My marriage will be 27 in just over a month and there is a least one member on this thread that been married longer. There was a thread awhile back and many members are 30+ and still going. I think one was over 65.

The point is the advice given here is real hard won advice. My marriage started off great but went sideways for awhile. Because I found a formula to restore it my marriage is great again today. Hopefully the OP never loses it.
I hope so too. I know the stigma about high school sweethearts and I love him too much to let that become a reality.

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post #18 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-26-2016, 10:26 AM
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Re: Advice for a young couple

Always be honest with your feelings, wants and needs. Never stop dating, flirting and having sex with your spouse. Make time to be intimate and it may seem like it's not hard to now, but when kids come into the pictures things change. I'm sure anyone with kids will tell you this... They take all the romance out of a marriage..lol Put your relationship first, even above the kids. Kids are with you for a short time, but your spouse is with you forever. I'm glad I woke up and realized this before my marriage went really way off track.
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post #19 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-26-2016, 10:28 AM
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Re: Advice for a young couple

There are three very important constituents to any successful marriage and if you apply these to your marriage then you stand a good chance attaining your goal. The first is communication. The second is communication. And the third and perhaps most important is communication. Always remember that no one is telepathic and although you may believe the other person SHOULD know what you are thinking that perception is almost always wrong.

Without communication questions go unanswered, needs go unmet and praise and appreciation go unexpressed. It is vital to communicate with your spouse about every aspect of your relationship and it is vital that they listen and truly hear you. Do not let silence destroy your marriage as it has so many others by failing to let your spouse know where you stand, what you need and how much they mean to you. I wish you a long and happy marriage.
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post #20 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-26-2016, 10:29 AM
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Re: Advice for a young couple

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I hope so too. I know the stigma about high school sweethearts and I love him too much to let that become a reality.
I know a couple that were High School sweethearts (we were classmates) who married and have been married for nearly 40 years. So not all of them end prematurely.

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post #21 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-27-2016, 10:51 AM
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Re: Advice for a young couple

My wife and I have been married for 20 years, together for 22. We have two daughters (14 and 12).

I don't have any sage advice for you. Much of what has been said in other posts works for us. I think, at least for my wife and I, the reality is this:

1) Divorce is not an option. I take marriage seriously and am willing to do everything in my power to make it last. That means I need to have respect for my wife and be willing to make changes as needed to make the love deep and lasting. Too many young people these days see marriage as expendable. Never bring up divorce. NEVER! No matter how angry you are.

2) respect your spouse. He/she has feelings, hopes, dreams, and needs like anyone else. Work with him to meet those needs and express your own.

3) Children are hard work and will stress your marriage more than anything else you can imagine. Give your marriage time to settle for a while before bringing kids into the picture. My wife and I waited 6 years before trying for kids.

4) Sex is an important part of marriage, but it isn't the MOST important part. Have fun and enjoy each other. Spice it up if you need but don't introduce others into your sex. It usually leads to problems. Buy toys and do other things to spice it up a bit.

5) Always have date nights, even after kids have come into the picture.

6) Keep your marital issues between you and your husband. If you need more, get a counselor. Your friends and family are not equipped to give good advice. They will ALWAYS take your side which builds resentment between you and your husband and between your confidant and your husband.

"You are talking about the nonsensical ravings of a lunatic mind!" Victor Von Frankenstein
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post #22 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-27-2016, 11:54 AM
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Re: Advice for a young couple

Radical honesty (no secrets past or present) and absolutely no masturbation unless the spouse gives permission each time. Priorities: God, spouse, children... in that order. Go out on a date once per week. Talk openly and be affectionate.
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post #23 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-27-2016, 12:21 PM
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Re: Advice for a young couple

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absolutely no masturbation unless the spouse gives permission each time. .


?
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post #24 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-27-2016, 12:28 PM
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Re: Advice for a young couple

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Radical honesty (no secrets past or present) and absolutely no masturbation unless the spouse gives permission each time. Priorities: God, spouse, children... in that order. Go out on a date once per week. Talk openly and be affectionate.
What? No masturbation????

"You are talking about the nonsensical ravings of a lunatic mind!" Victor Von Frankenstein

Last edited by TX-SC; 08-29-2016 at 09:05 AM.
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post #25 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-27-2016, 01:48 PM
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Re: Advice for a young couple

As TX-SC said, do not bring up divorce.

Do not make unilateral decisions on important matters. Marriage is a partnership and both partners get to provide input.

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post #26 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-29-2016, 12:02 PM
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Re: Advice for a young couple

Follow the vows. Love, honor, cherish, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, forsaking all others, till death do you part. It's really that simple. Follow those marriage rules and you got it made.

Every divorce since the very first divorce can be traced to one or both partners violating one or more of those vows.
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post #27 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-29-2016, 12:09 PM
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Re: Advice for a young couple

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Originally Posted by TX-SC View Post

1) Divorce is not an option. I take marriage seriously and am willing to do everything in my power to make it last. That means I need to have respect for my wife and be willing to make changes as needed to make the love deep and lasting. Too many young people these days see marriage as expendable. Never bring up divorce. NEVER! No matter how angry you are.

4) Sex is an important part of marriage, but it isn't the MOST important part. Have fun and enjoy each other. Spice it up if you need but don't introduce others into your sex. It usually leads to problems. Buy toys and do other things to spice it up a bit.
Of course the issue is #1 and #4 could butt heads with each other over the bolded lol.

So I agree, you should not go into a marriage thinking divorce is an option, but unfortunately for some given the circumstances they later deal with, it is the only reasonable option. For me, cheating leaves divorce as the only viable option.
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post #28 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-29-2016, 12:15 PM
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Re: Advice for a young couple

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The fact is most marriages don't end in divorce and due to that there are plenty of long lasting marriages. My parents just had their 55 anniversary this week. My marriage will be 27 in just over a month and there is a least one member on this thread that been married longer. There was a thread awhile back and many members are 30+ and still going. I think one was over 65.

The point is the advice given here is real hard won advice. My marriage started off great but went sideways for awhile. Because I found a formula to restore it my marriage is great again today. Hopefully the OP never loses it.
You're actually right about the statistics. I did some serious digging into the stats about marriages.

It's commonly held that "60% of all marriages end in divorce." That is technically true but doesn't paint a clear picture of the situation.

That number is very skewed by serial divorce'ers. The real stat is that 80% of people who get married are married just once and for life.

Although it's true that of all marriages performed, 60% of them end in divorce what is really happening is that a smaller subset of people get married and divorced over and over, sometimes 3 or more times, which produces the 60% number. That falsely leads people to believe that 60% of people who get married end up divorcing and that couldn't be further from the truth.
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post #29 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-31-2016, 03:24 PM
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Re: Advice for a young couple

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You're actually right about the statistics. I did some serious digging into the stats about marriages.

It's commonly held that "60% of all marriages end in divorce." That is technically true but doesn't paint a clear picture of the situation.

That number is very skewed by serial divorce'ers. The real stat is that 80% of people who get married are married just once and for life.

Although it's true that of all marriages performed, 60% of them end in divorce what is really happening is that a smaller subset of people get married and divorced over and over, sometimes 3 or more times, which produces the 60% number. That falsely leads people to believe that 60% of people who get married end up divorcing and that couldn't be further from the truth.
This is the first I've heard of such a thing.

Ok @LucasJackson you've got my interest.

Now provide a reliable source for your information otherwise it's worthless.
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post #30 of 36 (permalink) Old 09-01-2016, 10:43 AM
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Re: Advice for a young couple

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This is the first I've heard of such a thing.

Ok @LucasJackson you've got my interest.

Now provide a reliable source for your information otherwise it's worthless.
Divorce rates don't really matter. What matters is what spouses put into marriage. Ym96 is seeking to tweak her marriage so that it remains.

I stated the fact that most marriage don't end in divorce to help encourage ym96 and others that really the odds are in favor of marriage. Here is where I get my info:

What is the Actual US Divorce Rate and Risk? | Public Discourse

The article discusses different measures of divorce.

The 40-50% that most people quote is what is referred to as the cohort method and it is really not data but a projection.

Quote:
Currently, the cohort measure is typically calculated as being in the 40-50 percent range for couples entering their first marriage. *Both Amato and Stanley place it in the 42-45 percent range for those marrying today. Stanley explains, drawing from a recent conversation with Amato, that

young married adults are not divorcing at the same rate as their parents did at similar ages, so it is likely that the divorce rate will decline in the future, once the Baby Boomers (who were and continue to be highly divorce prone) leave the population. Thus, as others have suggested, the future may well be brighter than the 42 to 45 percent risk estimate suggests, but we do not yet know this will be the case.
Perhaps LM got his 80% from the percent ever divorced measure described in the article. I don't know.

Here is another article that shows divorce rates according to year married plotted out.

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/12/02/up...abt=0002&abg=0

This data is where I think ym96 can find encouragement. One of the comments in the discussion is that divorce rates are decling because instead of marrying for economic viability people are marrying for love and the bump in divorce was due to that transition among other factors.

However I will state again it doesn't matter what the divorce rate is, it only matters what the spouses put into the marriage. I think ym96 understands this.

I don't want to not live because of my fear of what could happen. - Laird Hamilton
Listen to your spouse!
Fog v. Love
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