Advice for a young couple - Talk About Marriage
Long Term Success in Marriage If you've been married 10+ years and consider your marriage a success, post your success story here. Help others by talking about what works for you.

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post #1 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-25-2016, 03:29 PM Thread Starter
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Advice for a young couple

Next month will be our one year wedding anniversary. We've been together for two and a half years, and before the newlywed phase totally goes away, I just wanna hear some advice on what has helped you achieve longevity in your marriage? I know every marriage is different, but I still would like to know...
(Families aren't very advice giving, and the advice they do give is very vague to where we can't really get anything from it)

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post #2 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-25-2016, 03:35 PM
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Re: Advice for a young couple

Don't stop doing the good things that let your relationship grow to marriage. Invest in your marriage even when the day to day life chores become burdensome. You do this by making time for quality together time as a priority.

I don't want to not live because of my fear of what could happen. - Laird Hamilton
Listen to your spouse!
Fog v. Love
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post #3 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-25-2016, 03:42 PM
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Re: Advice for a young couple

The ideas are not a secret. It's just a matter if you two will read and use them. Here are two comprehensive starting points, that are easy to understand. Take a look...

A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts

Home | The 5 Love LanguagesŪ | Improving Millions of Relationships? One Language at a Time.

Best

"In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing." T.R.

Resources for men...
ADHD and Marriage
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post #4 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-25-2016, 03:43 PM
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Re: Advice for a young couple

Make sure that you still see eye to eye where you stand on starting a family, if you both will work and if not how finances will be handled. We were completely in agreement on this until about one year and my wife did a complete about face on where she stood. This literally killed our marriage, things went straight downhill from there.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #5 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-25-2016, 03:45 PM
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Re: Advice for a young couple

Never Keep Secrets ~~~~ Never let the Sun go down on your anger. A little conflict is healthy, do not fear it ~~~Know your spouses Love Languages & live to give what they crave. ~~~~ If you have sexual inhibitions, destroy them! Read books on Sex , Intimacy & Spicing like mad, never let the passion fade.~~~ Continue to date after kids, Laugh with each other, Flirt always, be playful, bring each other up when the other is having a bad day .~~~ May your Lover forever & always be your Best Friend.

...And be diligent to keep these at bay...weed them out..

Quote:
* Criticism- the act of passing judgment as to the merits of another / faultfinding. "Criticism is “really a way of fueling the attack, so you state your complaint as an attack on the other person.” ... “It’s not constructive, it winds up leading to an escalation of the conflict" ......No Criticism Please!

* Contempt... When we communicate in this state, we are truly meaning - treating others with disrespect, mocking them with sarcasm, ridicule, name-calling, mimicking, and/or body language such as eye-rolling. The target of contempt is made to feel despised and worthless.....The Danger of Contempt

* Defensiveness- conveys the message, “The problem is not me. It’s you.” From this position you imply that, because your partner threw the first stone, they are responsible for the entire conflict. You avoid taking responsibility for your own behavior by pointing to something they did prior to their complaint about you. You do not acknowledge that which is true in what they are saying about your behavior.

Defensiveness: The Poison Pill to Relationships

* Stonewalling - also known as "the Silent treatment". .. stonewalling is the absolute refusal to consider your partner’s perspective. If you listen at all, you do it dismissively or contemptuously.This is the passive-aggressive stance many people take during a fight. It's the "Nothing's wrong, I'm fine!" said even when there is clearly something wrong.

Other common songs of the stonewaller are:“Just leave me alone…”...“Do whatever you want"....“End of conversation"..."that's enough"....

Stonewalling: How to recognize and fix ......... How to Ruin a Perfectly Good Relationship - Stonewall
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post #6 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-25-2016, 03:53 PM
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Re: Advice for a young couple

Always make sure you have Plan B waiting in the wings in case things don't work out

Been married over 14 years and we got married young. As others have said, be open and honest with each other, never stop dating each other. Make sure you guys are on the same page with finances, family, etc... IMO, the biggest challenge for us came when we had kids, when we (as a married couple) became less of a priority.

Just remember, there is nothing easy about marriage, you have to continually work at it to make it work. Don't get complacent and don't take each other for granted.
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post #7 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-25-2016, 03:54 PM
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Re: Advice for a young couple

My simplistic thoughts on a complex subject.

  • Pardon my French but don't be dėcks and do give a shėt about your spouse will get you far.

  • If you're not both having fun (like you are now) you need to talk, like right away.

  • Sex is like oxygen. Never stop breathing or f'ing. And it's not a weapon.

  • Empathy goes a long way.



Sigh, my wife gives me the speaking treatment.
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post #8 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-25-2016, 07:08 PM
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Re: Advice for a young couple

As other's have mentioned, read the 5 Love Languages, learn the order of each other's needs, and speak them often. Don't let any baggage from prior relationships affect your lives together.

Don't use sex as a weapon.
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post #9 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-25-2016, 10:37 PM
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Re: Advice for a young couple

longevity in marriage?

Not thinking those words are often found in the same sentence.
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post #10 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-26-2016, 02:37 AM
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Re: Advice for a young couple

Don't forget that you love each other.

Just because you are married doesn't mean that you should stop dating. Take each other out on dates frequently. Romance and seduce each other as if you were just meeting.

IMHO the big risks to marriage are children and money. You have to work together and be in agreement on these things.

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post #11 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-26-2016, 03:29 AM
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Re: Advice for a young couple

Be honest with yourself, and then extend that honesty to your partner. You can't overcome problems if the real expectations are hidden from the planning.
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post #12 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-26-2016, 06:48 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Advice for a young couple

Thank y'all so much for the wise words! Me and my husband have been through so much together, and all we want is to have many more years together.
Oh, and we have a one year old, so EllisRedding thank you your advice really helped a lot. I try my best to make sure we have at least one time a week, even for just a few hours, for just the two of us.

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post #13 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-26-2016, 10:02 AM
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Re: Advice for a young couple

Quote:
Originally Posted by Yosemite View Post
longevity in marriage?

Not thinking those words are often found in the same sentence.
The fact is most marriages don't end in divorce and due to that there are plenty of long lasting marriages. My parents just had their 55 anniversary this week. My marriage will be 27 in just over a month and there is a least one member on this thread that been married longer. There was a thread awhile back and many members are 30+ and still going. I think one was over 65.

The point is the advice given here is real hard won advice. My marriage started off great but went sideways for awhile. Because I found a formula to restore it my marriage is great again today. Hopefully the OP never loses it.

I don't want to not live because of my fear of what could happen. - Laird Hamilton
Listen to your spouse!
Fog v. Love

Last edited by meson; 08-26-2016 at 10:07 AM. Reason: Corrected sentence
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post #14 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-26-2016, 10:07 AM
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Re: Advice for a young couple

Quote:
Originally Posted by ym96 View Post
Thank y'all so much for the wise words! Me and my husband have been through so much together, and all we want is to have many more years together.
Oh, and we have a one year old, so EllisRedding thank you your advice really helped a lot. I try my best to make sure we have at least one time a week, even for just a few hours, for just the two of us.

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One kid = ok, we can do this
Two kids = treading water, but we got this
Three kids = Oh $hit, what just happened, when will they finally be leaving the house for good! Better get snipped, we can 't risk a potential catastrophe!



My W and I did do a poor job at times of prioritizing our marriage, but really , there is no way to prepare for having kids (especially multiple). We have done much better though this year (arranging weekend getaways, I actually take vacation days now when the kids are actually in school so my W and I have the house to ourselves, etc...)

You are doing a great job, keep your marriage at the top of your priority list and you guys will do well!

Last edited by EllisRedding; 08-26-2016 at 10:13 AM.
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post #15 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-26-2016, 10:12 AM
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Re: Advice for a young couple

Quote:
Originally Posted by EllisRedding View Post
One kid = ok, we can do this
Two kids = treading water, but we got this
Three kids - Oh $hit, what just happened, when will they finally be leaving the house for good!



My W and I did do a poor job at times of prioritizing our marriage, but really , there is no way to prepare for having kids (especially multiple). We have done much better though this year (arranging weekend getaways, I actually take vacation days now when the kids are actually in school so my W and I have the house to ourselves, etc...)

You are doing a great job, keep your marriage at the top of your priority list and you guys will do well!
This is exactly what happened to us. First one leaves next week.

I don't want to not live because of my fear of what could happen. - Laird Hamilton
Listen to your spouse!
Fog v. Love
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