Passive aggressives and their anger - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Long Term Success in Marriage If you've been married 10+ years and consider your marriage a success, post your success story here. Help others by talking about what works for you.

User Tag List

 52Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #31 of 46 (permalink) Old 10-12-2016, 05:29 PM
Member
 
Síocháin's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 240
Re: Passive aggressives and their anger

@jb02157,
For me, it was there. I confused the coldness with him being introverted which is what he said he was. He really isn't. The selfishness was there as well but not constant like it became at the end of the marriage. My therapist put it best, "he constantly pulled the rug out from under me whenever I got close to getting something I wanted in the marriage". The signs were there, I was just too fearful to face them until it finally had to be faced.

Síocháin is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #32 of 46 (permalink) Old 10-13-2016, 12:53 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 4,417
Re: Passive aggressives and their anger

Quote:
Originally Posted by jb02157 View Post
I wonder if you can diagnose passive aggressiveness the other way around by first noticing that the person is not capable of feeling love and is cold and and selfish.

I believe that PAs are selective. I have seen my mother and my exH become uber attentive to other people. IF PAs have any friends, they could not possible be P all the time.
NextTimeAround is offline  
post #33 of 46 (permalink) Old 10-13-2016, 07:54 AM
Member
 
jb02157's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,264
Re: Passive aggressives and their anger

Quote:
Originally Posted by Síocháin View Post
@jb02157,
For me, it was there. I confused the coldness with him being introverted which is what he said he was. He really isn't. The selfishness was there as well but not constant like it became at the end of the marriage. My therapist put it best, "he constantly pulled the rug out from under me whenever I got close to getting something I wanted in the marriage". The signs were there, I was just too fearful to face them until it finally had to be faced.
I think I'm headed the same direction, that's why I ask, although for my wife I think it's just coldness and selfishness not necessarily passive aggressive behavior. I was curious if you had some of the characteristics these people are, could you eventually be one of them.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
jb02157 is offline  
 
post #34 of 46 (permalink) Old 10-13-2016, 10:27 AM
Member
 
Blondilocks's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: SoCal
Posts: 3,683
Re: Passive aggressives and their anger

Quote:
Originally Posted by jb02157 View Post
I think I'm headed the same direction, that's why I ask, although for my wife I think it's just coldness and selfishness not necessarily passive aggressive behavior. I was curious if you had some of the characteristics these people are, could you eventually be one of them.
Passive aggressive behavior is a learned behavior. Also, the person employing the behavior can choose when to utilize and with whom.
Blondilocks is offline  
post #35 of 46 (permalink) Old 10-13-2016, 12:11 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 565
Re: Passive aggressives and their anger

Quote:
Originally Posted by Blondilocks View Post
Passive aggressive behavior is a learned behavior. Also, the person employing the behavior can choose when to utilize and with whom.
PA as a stand alone behavior is likely controllable. Do you think that this behavior is linked to other issues of mental health? Ie. similar non-empathy in PA behavior also is prevalent in NPD/BPD. Thus not as likely to be controlled.

~ Passio
Idyit is offline  
post #36 of 46 (permalink) Old 10-13-2016, 02:35 PM
Member
 
Blondilocks's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: SoCal
Posts: 3,683
Re: Passive aggressives and their anger

Quote:
Originally Posted by Idyit View Post
PA as a stand alone behavior is likely controllable. Do you think that this behavior is linked to other issues of mental health? Ie. similar non-empathy in PA behavior also is prevalent in NPD/BPD. Thus not as likely to be controlled.

~ Passio
I suppose it could be but not necessarily. The instances I've witnessed have been where there is an imbalance of power.
Blondilocks is offline  
post #37 of 46 (permalink) Old 10-13-2016, 02:42 PM
Member
 
Síocháin's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 240
Re: Passive aggressives and their anger

Passive Aggressive Disorder was in the DSM-IV. However, it has since been removed and lumped in with NPD in DSM-V. Wish I didn't know so much about it.
Síocháin is offline  
post #38 of 46 (permalink) Old 10-13-2016, 02:45 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 565
Re: Passive aggressives and their anger

Quote:
Originally Posted by Blondilocks View Post
I suppose it could be but not necessarily. The instances I've witnessed have been where there is an imbalance of power.
Yup. I get this. I'm asking from a particular perspective as you've probably guessed.

But why is the imbalance of power there? I one spouse simply selfish, NPD, BPD, some other thing. Trying to figure out if PA behavior is a tool frequently used by the more clinical spectrum types or simply poor behavior.

~ Passio
Idyit is offline  
post #39 of 46 (permalink) Old 10-13-2016, 02:58 PM
Member
 
Síocháin's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 240
Re: Passive aggressives and their anger

@Idyit

I think it can be both. Most of us have been passive aggressive at times (poor behavior). But, when you confront someone about their PA behavior and they keep doing it anyway, I think that is more on the clinical spectrum. Because they just don't see it and they simply don't care. It works for them. Keep in mind, I am not a mental health professional but basing this on my experience for the last 20 plus years.
Síocháin is offline  
post #40 of 46 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 02:11 AM
Registered User
 
Mrs.Sav's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: New York City
Posts: 28
Re: Passive aggressives and their anger

Quote:
Originally Posted by Blondilocks View Post
"The anger associated with PA is interesting. In my situation the W is so PA she proclaims it, then flips it upside down and describes it as a virtue by calling it a 'harmony' personality trait."

That's some serious spinning. It's almost scary to think how her mind operates.
I agree. She sounds very manipulative.

Mrs.Sav is offline  
post #41 of 46 (permalink) Old 10-15-2016, 06:17 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 4,417
Re: Passive aggressives and their anger

Quote:
Originally Posted by Blondilocks View Post
I suppose it could be but not necessarily. The instances I've witnessed have been where there is an imbalance of power.


I have notiaced when I move on - show that I don't care - that's when the negotiating start. I know better now. I will not negotiate with a PA I will just take them for a ride.
NextTimeAround is offline  
post #42 of 46 (permalink) Old 10-15-2016, 06:33 PM
Member
 
Síocháin's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 240
Re: Passive aggressives and their anger

You can't negotiate with a PA. They will tell you exactly what you want to hear to get you to back off and do what they want anyway. Been there, done that, so done.

ETA: If you make a request like please don't drive in a tropical storm, they take it as telling them what to do. No matter how nicely you ask.
Síocháin is offline  
post #43 of 46 (permalink) Old 10-21-2016, 01:46 PM
Member
 
Joey2k's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Florida
Posts: 334
Re: Passive aggressives and their anger

Quote:
Originally Posted by farsidejunky View Post
We do know we are angry. But that nasty combination of the want to avoid a confrontation, combined with the want to please people, causes us to bury saying something about it.

So it festers.
As well as coming to the conclusion that your feelings and the things you want are not important to and don't matter to the other person, and that expressing yourself will be useless. Which I think is why someone can be PA to one person and not to others.

Passive aggressive and emotionally unavailable (whatever that means)
Joey2k is offline  
post #44 of 46 (permalink) Old 10-21-2016, 02:04 PM
Member
 
Síocháin's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 240
Re: Passive aggressives and their anger

Unless you're on the receiving end of a PA relationship, the damage that is done is beyond hurtful....it is brutal. Most PAs exhibit behavior in all areas of their lives. My STBXH did even though he told me it was limited to just me. I saw it with his family, friends and work. I just got it 24/7 because I lived with him.

If it's limited to one person, I would say that demonstrates bad behavior as opposed to being on the clinical spectrum. I think we all have PA tendencies at some point in our lives.
Síocháin is offline  
post #45 of 46 (permalink) Old 11-02-2016, 07:02 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 257
Re: Passive aggressives and their anger

This thread made my eyes water and gave me a lump in my throat. This is the story of my marriage. I wasted so many years on something that couldn't be fixed.
prunus is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome