Unable to sleep very well in the same bed anymore? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 22 (permalink) Old 10-04-2016, 02:18 PM Thread Starter
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Unable to sleep very well in the same bed anymore?

My husband has always been good at sleeping. I have had sleep issues on and off since I worked night shift for a 8 months back in 2010/2011. I used to have no trouble sleeping in the same bed as my husband, heck, we'd sleep tangled in each others arms. But for the last few months, it's been a real issue, so I've been sleeping on the couch. I feel like I've tried everything to be able to fall asleep in my own bed. I've researched the feng shuy and moved the furniture around, bought an air cleansing aromatherapy defuser, de-cluttered...I LOVE our bedroom. It is a beautiful space. But I can't fall asleep in there.

I was reading a few articles last night about how it isn't uncommon for spouses to sleep in separate bedrooms. I NEED my sleep, otherwise I am not a good person. I can't function. I sleep fine on the couch.

What the heck are we suppose to do? We live in a one bedroom apartment! Should we get two single beds? Should I continue sleeping on the couch? I miss sleeping next to my man....but at the same time, I need my sleep! I can't just lay in there next to him, awake all night.

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post #2 of 22 (permalink) Old 10-04-2016, 02:31 PM
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Re: Unable to sleep very well in the same bed anymore?

Can you get to sleep in the bed with him on the couch? If not maybe its the bed. If you can try two singles and see how that works. My grandparents did that.

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post #3 of 22 (permalink) Old 10-04-2016, 02:36 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Unable to sleep very well in the same bed anymore?

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Can you get to sleep in the bed with him on the couch? If not maybe its the bed. If you can try two singles and see how that works. My grandparents did that.
He doesn't sleep well on the couch. He finds it uncomfortable. I sleep sooooooo well on the couch.
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post #4 of 22 (permalink) Old 10-04-2016, 02:44 PM
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Re: Unable to sleep very well in the same bed anymore?

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He doesn't sleep well on the couch. He finds it uncomfortable. I sleep sooooooo well on the couch.
The point is to find out if it's the bed or your husband that is causing the problem.

I don't want to not live because of my fear of what could happen. - Laird Hamilton
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post #5 of 22 (permalink) Old 10-04-2016, 02:56 PM
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Re: Unable to sleep very well in the same bed anymore?

My wife and I have had separate bedrooms for the last 30 years. It started because I had offices on the other side of the world and had to deal with problems all hours of the night. Then there was my snoring before anyone knew of sleep Apnea. I also spent a few months a year sleeping alone in hotel rooms. Worst of all was that I had to get up at 5:30 am and my wife liked to watch TV in bed late at night and I cannot sleep with a TV or light on in the room. So I moved into one of the guest rooms and found sleep heaven.

So many people think it is terrible like we no longer have sex or love each other. Give me a break. We have sex but when the cuddling is over, we go to our own room to sleep. In fact, it is sexier to lure your wife into your bedroom rather then just turn around and she is there because she has no choice. Our sex life is just fine thank you. It was not like we slept holding each other every night anyway. We spent our first 15 years sleeping together so the newness had worn off. As a result we both can stay awake or sleep as long as we want.

We started our marriage like you in a one bedroom apartment until I relocated to Houston, TX and bought a new house with a $1 down payment under the GI bill and a mortgage payment much less than the rent of our cramped NYC apartment. The topic of what we would do if we only had one bedroom has come up since we are semi retired and are thinking of downsizing. Do we really need 3 bedrooms? We have no kids and therefore no guests. The only solution we came up with was separate beds like they used to have in the 50's. You never saw a married couple sleep in one bed on TV or the Movies. They always had separate beds. We still would have problems though. I use a CPAP machine at night and it makes noise. I love to stay up until 3 am while my wife goes to bed early now. There are also issues in that my wife likes her bedroom to be ultra feminine and I like manly. My room has pictures of jungles, animals and manly looking furniture plus a gun rack and gun safe. So we may compromise and go with a home with two master suites.

As far as we know, our friends that are our age, no longer have sex or at least regular sex and they sleep in the same bed as if there is some divine or civil law that mandates that. We still have an active sex live and we have separate bedrooms. I cannot just roll over on my wife when I am horny. I have to seduce her into my room and that makes it more fun..

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality when the choice is monogamy or your marriage.
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post #6 of 22 (permalink) Old 10-04-2016, 02:57 PM
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Re: Unable to sleep very well in the same bed anymore?

Create a sprawling alternative universe with you in it. Imagine crazy stuff you do in it, whether saving the world or having mystical powers. Keep the story going and you'll eventually pass out. I used to work nights and interestingly enough, now I don't need 8 hours of sleep, but I do have problems falling asleep. Except when I can fly and shoot electricity from my finger tips while I am saving the world from aliens...
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post #7 of 22 (permalink) Old 10-04-2016, 03:06 PM
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Re: Unable to sleep very well in the same bed anymore?

Have you tried melatonin? It can help you fall asleep, but won't keep you asleep. There are many OTC and prescription sleep aids, too, if you are willing to try them. Consider having a sleep study done to figure out what's going on. But what are the differences between your bed and your sofa (or the room they're in), other than your husband (or is it him?), that make the latter work better for you? Lighting? Noise? Inclination? Air flow? Firmness?

Perhaps try moving the sofa into the bedroom! If that works, get a new sofa for the living room.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

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post #8 of 22 (permalink) Old 10-04-2016, 03:37 PM
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Re: Unable to sleep very well in the same bed anymore?

I take pills for that. My husband falls asleep in under 60 seconds when his head hits the pillow and then snores - earthquake loud - for the rest of the night. If I don't fall asleep myself in that 60 second window I cannot sleep through the snoring. I just take OTC sleep meds and knock myself out.
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post #9 of 22 (permalink) Old 10-04-2016, 03:47 PM
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Re: Unable to sleep very well in the same bed anymore?

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I take pills for that. My husband falls asleep in under 60 seconds when his head hits the pillow and then snores - earthquake loud - for the rest of the night. If I don't fall asleep myself in that 60 second window I cannot sleep through the snoring. I just take OTC sleep meds and knock myself out.
I've had great luck with OTC sleep aids. I also find when I'm not drinking as much caffeine, keep my stress levels low, and do something quiet (like reading) before bed, I have better luck drifting off naturally. But sometimes you need the extra help of a sleep aid.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #10 of 22 (permalink) Old 10-04-2016, 03:51 PM
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Re: Unable to sleep very well in the same bed anymore?

New mattress? Mattress topper?

Herbal sleep remedy?

Sleeping pills?

Hypnotherapy?


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post #11 of 22 (permalink) Old 10-04-2016, 03:53 PM
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Re: Unable to sleep very well in the same bed anymore?

My cat tells me to come to bed, he jumps to bed, kneads the comforter with his paws and waits for me to sleep. He loves it when I sleep holding his front paws but he takes up a lot of space on the bed, 22 lb and growing.

I sleep much better this way.
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post #12 of 22 (permalink) Old 10-04-2016, 04:04 PM
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Re: Unable to sleep very well in the same bed anymore?

I have some opinions here, though I am biased a bunch towards sleeping in the same room because my dad had a heart attack in his sleep, and the evil stepmother was sleeping in the other room (due to snoring) so was not alerted to anything being amiss until he was a no-show for lunch the next day.....

I really like the idea of moving the couch in to the bedroom as a test to see if it is the furniture or the company that is at the root of it. Then go from there.

To posters that have snoring spouse issues, CPAP saved my marriage (and probably my life) years ago.
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post #13 of 22 (permalink) Old 10-04-2016, 05:42 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Unable to sleep very well in the same bed anymore?

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Originally Posted by meson View Post
The point is to find out if it's the bed or your husband that is causing the problem.
Sorry, I misread that. It was early when I started this thread.

Yes, I sleep fine in the bed by myself.

I don't want to say my husband is the problem, but I think I just need my own space to sleep. I'd give anything to be able to sleep beside him again.
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post #14 of 22 (permalink) Old 10-04-2016, 05:44 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Unable to sleep very well in the same bed anymore?

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Originally Posted by NothingsOriginal View Post
I have some opinions here, though I am biased a bunch towards sleeping in the same room because my dad had a heart attack in his sleep, and the evil stepmother was sleeping in the other room (due to snoring) so was not alerted to anything being amiss until he was a no-show for lunch the next day.....

I really like the idea of moving the couch in to the bedroom as a test to see if it is the furniture or the company that is at the root of it. Then go from there.

To posters that have snoring spouse issues, CPAP saved my marriage (and probably my life) years ago.
Couch wont fit in the bedroom. Our apartment is 620 square feet.

My husband used to snore, but he lost some weight and now if he does snore, it sounds like a kittens purr. I sleep with earplugs anyways. I don't think his snoring is the issue. Maybe his breathing is omitting oxygen or something and that is keeping me awake?
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post #15 of 22 (permalink) Old 10-04-2016, 05:47 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Unable to sleep very well in the same bed anymore?

I have some pills here that I could take to knock myself out, but I don't want to rely on them every night.
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