Unemployed and unambitious husband - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-07-2016, 01:17 PM
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Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

Ask your husband point blank how long he thinks this marriage will last if he doesn't work and starves you of sex?

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post #17 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-07-2016, 01:19 PM
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Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

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Originally Posted by FustratedinCA View Post
Steve- I am at my wits end. We've had this discussion. I told him he has 6 months to figure it out.
So what are you going to do in six months that you haven't done in 10 years?

My suggestion is take those six months and start preparing for divorce. Separate credit cards, stash cash away, look at apartment rentals. When the end of the six months comes, he will either be working or you'll be prepared to leave, if you have the strength to.
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post #18 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-07-2016, 01:23 PM
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Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

OP

You need to research the divorce laws in California.

10 years of marriage in California with him hardly working means you are on the hook
for some serious spousal support payments.

You might want to check out marriage counseling before you start writing him hefty checks every month.
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post #19 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-07-2016, 01:33 PM
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Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

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Originally Posted by FustratedinCA View Post
But isn't love more than just sex and money? Chorus, he does a good amount. Help with laundry, load the dishes...I cook and do cleaning. Your comment does have a lot of merit. I need to process this
How long have the two of you been married?

Do you have children? If so, how many?

How old are the two of you?

What do you call a 'good amount'?

He 'helps' with the laundry and loads the dishes? You cook and of the cleaning? He's not working he should be doing 100% of all house and yard chores. The only thing that you should be doing are things that he cannot do in a full day's work at home chores. For example he should cook all meals. You can help with the after dinner clean up because you are both then off work.

If you work 8-10 hours a day to support your family, then he should be putting in 8-10 hours a day working at home.

Why do you call what he does 'help'. Household chores are not only your job. They are both of your respopnslibty. So he's not 'helping' you. He's doing what is his responsibility. He'd have to do it if he lived alone. And when he's not working, then he needs to do what a stay-at-home wife would do... just about everything.

Yes love is more than money and sex. In marriage love is mostly an equal partnership. By him leaving the bulk of household chores to you and leaving bread winning to you he is taking serious advantage of you and showing you gross disrespect. The message is that you are is slave for him to take advantage of. Thus providing him with a leisurely life that you cannot have because of his unilateral decision to take advantage of you. If he worked as many hours as you do, then the two of you could enjoy a lot of free time together... giving you a much easier life.

My bet is that the reason he does not want sex with you is because he sees you as his mother. You take care of just about everything for him... like his mommy. Guys don't have sex with their mother. Mothers are not sexy. Men also do not respect women (wives/girl-friends) who they put in the 'mother' position. Most people, men and women, don't like having sex with people who they do not respect.

What does he do with his spare time?

Your husband sounds a lot like a guy who I was married to.. .note the past tense.
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post #20 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-07-2016, 01:35 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

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That's good. The difficult part will be to not cave in after six months. He might not fully realize how serious you are until he sees that you are serious from your actions. I noticed that you have another thread about his lack of sexual desire. Is he significantly overweight?
No- he's quite the stud (now that he has time to go to the gym). healthy all around.
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post #21 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-07-2016, 01:37 PM
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Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

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Originally Posted by FustratedinCA View Post
No- he's quite the stud (now that he has time to go to the gym). healthy all around.
lol.....I agree with Elegirl.

He doesn't respect you.
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post #22 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-07-2016, 01:41 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

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How long have the two of you been married?

Do you have children? If so, how many?

How old are the two of you?

What do you call a 'good amount'?

He 'helps' with the laundry and loads the dishes? You cook and of the cleaning? He's not working he should be doing 100% of all house and yard chores. The only thing that you should be doing are things that he cannot do in a full day's work at home chores. For example he should cook all meals. You can help with the after dinner clean up because you are both then off work.

If you work 8-10 hours a day to support your family, then he should be putting in 8-10 hours a day working at home.

Why do you call what he does 'help'. Household chores are not only your job. They are both of your respopnslibty. So he's not 'helping' you. He's doing what is his responsibility. He'd have to do it if he lived alone. And when he's not working, then he needs to do what a stay-at-home wife would do... just about everything.

Yes love is more than money and sex. In marriage love is mostly an equal partnership. By him leaving the bulk of household chores to you and leaving bread winning to you he is taking serious advantage of you and showing you gross disrespect. The message is that you are is slave for him to take advantage of. Thus providing him with a leisurely life that you cannot have because of his unilateral decision to take advantage of you. If he worked as many hours as you do, then the two of you could enjoy a lot of free time together... giving you a much easier life.

My bet is that the reason he does not want sex with you is because he sees you as his mother. You take care of just about everything for him... like his mommy. Guys don't have sex with their mother. Mothers are not sexy. Men also do not respect women (wives/girl-friends) who they put in the 'mother' position. Most people, men and women, don't like having sex with people who they do not respect.

What does he do with his spare time?

Your husband sounds a lot like a guy who I was married to.. .note the past tense.
wow...this is intense. When I say he's a good husband, I mean he is supportive of my career and life. He doesn't beat me or cheats on me. He is understanding of my work obligations. He makes dinner once in a while.

You're right, he does have a good life- nice dining, drinks and travel. I have a good salary, so he doesn't feel like he needs to contribute financially. But I want a husband who contributes and has passion in life- he doesn't have any passion for anything.

I am 30. He is 39. No kids. Married 6 years, together 10.

I suppose you're right about mothering him. I'm really worried that when 6 months arrives and he doesn't have a job, i dont know what I'll have to courage to do. I have my first counselling session next week to help me think through this.

You guys have been very helpful. Please be nice to my husband. I don't think he's a bad guy
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post #23 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-07-2016, 01:43 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

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Originally Posted by ButtPunch View Post
lol.....I agree with Elegirl.

He doesn't respect you.
I think he respects me.
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post #24 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-07-2016, 01:47 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by ButtPunch View Post
OP

You need to research the divorce laws in California.

10 years of marriage in California with him hardly working means you are on the hook
for some serious spousal support payments.

You might want to check out marriage counseling before you start writing him hefty checks every month.
Ha- I'm so desperate right now. I'm happy to give him half of my paycheck for a few years to get some resolutions. Thinking out loud...I think it says a lot about the situation.
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post #25 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-07-2016, 02:00 PM
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Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

It might not be a few years.

What if you have to give him half your paycheck for the rest of your life or until you retire?

Is it worth it THEN?

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post #26 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-07-2016, 02:01 PM
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Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by FustratedinCA View Post
wow...this is intense. When I say he's a good husband, I mean he is supportive of my career and life. He doesn't beat me or cheats on me. He is understanding of my work obligations. He makes dinner once in a while.

You're right, he does have a good life- nice dining, drinks and travel. I have a good salary, so he doesn't feel like he needs to contribute financially. But I want a husband who contributes and has passion in life- he doesn't have any passion for anything.

I am 30. He is 39. No kids. Married 6 years, together 10.

I suppose you're right about mothering him. I'm really worried that when 6 months arrives and he doesn't have a job, i dont know what I'll have to courage to do. I have my first counselling session next week to help me think through this.

You guys have been very helpful. Please be nice to my husband. I don't think he's a bad guy
If your deal-breakers are him beating you or cheating on you, you're not setting the bar very high in how you want to be treated by him. If that were good enough for you, you wouldn't be here, though. He hasn't been employed for the majority of your marriage and that would be fine, if he were doing the majority of the domestic chores but it sounds like he's NOT. I understand that you love him but I'm not seeing that his contribution is very high. If he is easily discouraged, thinks certain jobs are "beneath him" and doesn't seem motivated to get a job for the majority of your time together, is it possible he is suffering from depression? How is his demeanor usually? I

Have you been to marriage counseling? It really sounds like you could both benefit.
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post #27 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-07-2016, 02:03 PM
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Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

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Originally Posted by FustratedinCA View Post

I am 30. He is 39. No kids. Married 6 years, together 10.
WHEW! Make sure you solve this before you hit 10 years.

That's when the Life time alimony can hit in CA.
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post #28 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-07-2016, 02:04 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

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Originally Posted by Manchester View Post
It might not be a few years.

What if you have to give him half your paycheck for the rest of your life or until you retire?

Is it worth it THEN?
I hope the court isn't that messed up. But yea, I rather pay then stay in a miserable marriage. Money comes and go
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post #29 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-07-2016, 02:05 PM
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Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

Money comes and goes but if you're paying half your income to an ex for the rest of your life it mostly goes!
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post #30 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-07-2016, 02:06 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

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Originally Posted by joannacroc View Post
If your deal-breakers are him beating you or cheating on you, you're not setting the bar very high in how you want to be treated by him. If that were good enough for you, you wouldn't be here, though. He hasn't been employed for the majority of your marriage and that would be fine, if he were doing the majority of the domestic chores but it sounds like he's NOT. I understand that you love him but I'm not seeing that his contribution is very high. If he is easily discouraged, thinks certain jobs are "beneath him" and doesn't seem motivated to get a job for the majority of your time together, is it possible he is suffering from depression? How is his demeanor usually? I

Have you been to marriage counseling? It really sounds like you could both benefit.
I agree with you. Im starting counselling next week to learn more about myself and my needs in the marriage. Then I plan to invite him to couple's counselling.
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