Unemployed and unambitious husband - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-07-2016, 02:08 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

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Originally Posted by Manchester View Post
Money comes and goes but if you're paying half your income to an ex for the rest of your life it mostly goes!
I'm not worried about my paycheck. He would walk with half of my asset. So money is only a small component of this and is the least on my priority list. I want a husband whom I respect and who wants me intimately. In hindsight, I should have been more firm about him getting a job from the start

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post #32 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-07-2016, 02:10 PM
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Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

Well get a good lawyer if it comes to that because right now you think it doesn't matter you just want to be done.

I was that way and a few years later suddenly it hits you that you are stuck paying a lot of money to this person who you want nothing to do with.
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post #33 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-07-2016, 02:10 PM
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Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

My ex was supposed to get a job.

She didn't. Do you think that matters to the courts?

Evidently not.
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post #34 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-07-2016, 02:13 PM
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Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

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wow...this is intense. When I say he's a good husband, I mean he is supportive of my career and life. He doesn't beat me or cheats on me. He is understanding of my work obligations. He makes dinner once in a while.

You're right, he does have a good life- nice dining, drinks and travel. I have a good salary, so he doesn't feel like he needs to contribute financially. But I want a husband who contributes and has passion in life- he doesn't have any passion for anything.

I am 30. He is 39. No kids. Married 6 years, together 10.

I suppose you're right about mothering him. I'm really worried that when 6 months arrives and he doesn't have a job, i dont know what I'll have to courage to do. I have my first counselling session next week to help me think through this.

You guys have been very helpful. Please be nice to my husband. I don't think he's a bad guy
To establish that he is a nice guy, there needs to be some justification. The details that I have are that he doesn't want to have a job, he doesn't want to discuss the lack of sex between you two, and that he is fit and healthy. Making dinner "once in awhile" and "helps (you) with cleaning" is not a positive thing. He should be the one in charge of cleaning, grocery shopping, and cooking. There is a reason why you are at your wits end.

You are being honest by saying that you don't know if you really have the courage to separate after the six-month deadline. Unfortunately, you need to do something or else he will never respect any future deadlines.
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post #35 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-07-2016, 02:16 PM
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Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

He is not a bad guy, but he is not a good husband.

Money really isn't the issue - its that he is not putting in anything like the effort that you are in the marriage.

I have a female friend with a husband like this. He hasn't worked for >10 years (he is a *artist* - who never sells any art). He is selfish in bed. Her problem is that she has been married so long (30 years) that she can't bring herself to leave, even though she knows that she should.


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Originally Posted by FustratedinCA View Post
wow...this is intense. When I say he's a good husband, I mean he is supportive of my career and life. He doesn't beat me or cheats on me. He is understanding of my work obligations. He makes dinner once in a while.

You're right, he does have a good life- nice dining, drinks and travel. I have a good salary, so he doesn't feel like he needs to contribute financially. But I want a husband who contributes and has passion in life- he doesn't have any passion for anything.

I am 30. He is 39. No kids. Married 6 years, together 10.

I suppose you're right about mothering him. I'm really worried that when 6 months arrives and he doesn't have a job, i dont know what I'll have to courage to do. I have my first counselling session next week to help me think through this.

You guys have been very helpful. Please be nice to my husband. I don't think he's a bad guy
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post #36 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-07-2016, 02:17 PM
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Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

No amount of money makes up for an unhappy marriage.


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Originally Posted by FustratedinCA View Post
I'm not worried about my paycheck. He would walk with half of my asset. So money is only a small component of this and is the least on my priority list. I want a husband whom I respect and who wants me intimately. In hindsight, I should have been more firm about him getting a job from the start
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post #37 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-07-2016, 02:17 PM
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Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

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I agree with you. Im starting counselling next week to learn more about myself and my needs in the marriage. Then I plan to invite him to couple's counselling.
I just saw this post. Couples counselling will, unfortunately, not help anything because he is currently not determined to try hard to improve your marriage. Marriage counselling is more effective for couples when both sincerely want to improve their relationship.
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post #38 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-07-2016, 02:26 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

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He is not a bad guy, but he is not a good husband.

Money really isn't the issue - its that he is not putting in anything like the effort that you are in the marriage.

I have a female friend with a husband like this. He hasn't worked for >10 years (he is a *artist* - who never sells any art). He is selfish in bed. Her problem is that she has been married so long (30 years) that she can't bring herself to leave, even though she knows that she should.
your friend and I are in a similar boat...unfortunately. If anything, this is helping me think things through. Perhaps this weekend can be used for another round of serious discussion. Marriage counselling is likely going to take place sooner rather than later. I was a bit apprehensive about starting this trial with the upcoming holiday season =(
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post #39 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-07-2016, 02:35 PM
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Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

This is why divorce exists! I divorced my wife due to no intimacy/love, and now she has to work full time to pay for the house she kept.

You aren't having sex. Your H is broken. Find a new one. You have no kids, you have no idea how good you have it!!
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post #40 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-07-2016, 02:37 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

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To establish that he is a nice guy, there needs to be some justification. The details that I have are that he doesn't want to have a job, he doesn't want to discuss the lack of sex between you two, and that he is fit and healthy. Making dinner "once in awhile" and "helps (you) with cleaning" is not a positive thing. He should be the one in charge of cleaning, grocery shopping, and cooking. There is a reason why you are at your wits end.

You are being honest by saying that you don't know if you really have the courage to separate after the six-month deadline. Unfortunately, you need to do something or else he will never respect any future deadlines.
Here are his excuses/reasonings:

On cooking: he's not a good cook and I don't like his bland cooking anyways. If I marinate, he will cook it up. But usually, if i'm too tired to cook, we go out. It bothers me that he plays on the computer or watches tv when I'm doing the cooking after work. I cook us a hot breakfast every day... I get it. Writing this down does have a way of making it clear.

On the job: He did 1.5 years of retail work and decided he doesn't have the patience for customer service work. But he's not qualified for jobs that he wants. He's gone back to school three times, but quit for various reasons. I'm desperate for him to have something outside the house. He currently spends his time on the computer looking for work and applies to 1 job a week. He goes tot he gym 5x a week, which takes up half of the day.

On finance: I have a high salary, so he doesn't see the need to contribute.

On intimacy: He's working on it, but never wants it (from me at least). I always have to initiate. Most of the time, he complains that he is too bloated, has a headache, doesn't feel good, too tired. When we do have a session, it is quick and gets the job done. He does like cuddling, holding hands, spooning.

On house chorus: We share this. He puts the clothing in the washer/dryer, I fold and iron. He loads the dishes, I unload. He helps with food prepping, I cook.

Nice things he does for me: He makes me coffee, pour me a drink at night, goes on walks with me, let me have the last piece of sweets, be supportive of my career, be protective of me, compliments the way I look, be understanding of my work commitment

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post #41 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-07-2016, 02:41 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

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Originally Posted by GuyInColorado View Post
This is why divorce exists! I divorced my wife due to no intimacy/love, and now she has to work full time to pay for the house she kept.

You aren't having sex. Your H is broken. Find a new one. You have no kids, you have no idea how good you have it!!
Was there more than just intimacy that lead to the divorce?

I haven't wrapped my mind around a divorce and very hesitate to say the words. No one in my family has a divorce. I'm 30..don't people get divorce in their 40s?
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post #42 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-07-2016, 02:49 PM
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Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

People get divorced at any age. dont not get divorced just because of a self imposed age limitation or your family doesn't get divorced so you won't.

The longer you wait the more he gets in support and after a certain period you could, as am I, liable for lifetime support if you are in one of those states.

You should check.
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post #43 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-07-2016, 03:04 PM
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Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

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Originally Posted by FustratedinCA View Post
Here are his excuses/reasonings:

On cooking: he's not a good cook and I don't like his bland cooking anyways. If I marinate, he will cook it up. But usually, if i'm too tired to cook, we go out. It bothers me that he plays on the computer or watches tv when I'm doing the cooking after work. I cook us a hot breakfast every day... I get it. Writing this down does have a way of making it clear.

On the job: He did 1.5 years of retail work and decided he doesn't have the patience for customer service work. But he's not qualified for jobs that he wants. He's gone back to school three times, but quit for various reasons. I'm desperate for him to have something outside the house. He currently spends his time on the computer looking for work and applies to 1 job a week. He goes tot he gym 5x a week, which takes up half of the day.

On finance: I have a high salary, so he doesn't see the need to contribute.

On intimacy: He's working on it, but never wants it (from me at least). I always have to initiate. Most of the time, he complains that he is too bloated, has a headache, doesn't feel good, too tired. When we do have a session, it is quick and gets the job done. He does like cuddling, holding hands, spooning.

On house chorus: We share this. He puts the clothing in the washer/dryer, I fold and iron. He loads the dishes, I unload. He helps with food prepping, I cook.

Nice things he does for me: He makes me coffee, pour me a drink at night, goes on walks with me, let me have the last piece of sweets, be supportive of my career, be protective of me, compliments the way I look, be understanding of my work commitment
Your very detailed description helped to give a clearer picture. I assume that he does not have a bad temper and that he is generally laid back. My impression is that he is simply a lazy person and was given a long-term opportunity to not have to work. At this point in his life with no real job skills, it will be really difficult to light a fire under him. After six months, if you have the financial means, you might want to rent an apartment for six months as a trial separation. Give him another six months apart from you to find and keep a job.

You still love him, but if you continue like this, I think that you'll eventually resent him.
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post #44 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-07-2016, 03:15 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

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Your very detailed description helped to give a clearer picture. I assume that he does not have a bad temper and that he is generally laid back. My impression is that he is simply a lazy person and was given a long-term opportunity to not have to work. At this point in his life with no real job skills, it will be really difficult to light a fire under him. After six months, if you have the financial means, you might want to rent an apartment for six months as a trial separation. Give him another six months apart from you to find and keep a job.

You still love him, but if you continue like this, I think that you'll eventually resent him.
Steve! You are wonderful. I think you've nailed the description of where he is. I think your proposal is sensible. I will digest that this weekend. Thank you.
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post #45 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-07-2016, 03:32 PM
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Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

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Originally Posted by FustratedinCA View Post
wow...this is intense. When I say he's a good husband, I mean he is supportive of my career and life. He doesn't beat me or cheats on me. He is understanding of my work obligations. He makes dinner once in a while.
Of course he is supportive of your career and understanding of your work obligations. If he were not, he'd have to get a job and support at least himself. He's clearly not a stupid man. He does the very least that he as to so that you keep supporting him and his easy life style.

Quote:
Originally Posted by FustratedinCA View Post
You're right, he does have a good life- nice dining, drinks and travel. I have a good salary, so he doesn't feel like he needs to contribute financially. But I want a husband who contributes and has passion in life- he doesn't have any passion for anything.
Passion for life is an important issue. Besides a bit of housework and going to the gym, what else does he do with his time? How does he spend his days?

Quote:
Originally Posted by FustratedinCA View Post
I am 30. He is 39. No kids. Married 6 years, together 10.
Good thing that you do not have children with him. It's a lot harder dealing with a basically non-contributing spouse when there are children involved. Been there, done that.

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Originally Posted by FustratedinCA View Post
I suppose you're right about mothering him.
You take care of almost everything in his life so that he does not have to lift a finger. You are enabling his lack of participation in life. You might want to get the book Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself


Co-Dependency is when you put the needs/wants of another adult person ahead of your own to the point that it's harming you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by FustratedinCA View Post
I'm really worried that when 6 months arrives and he doesn't have a job, i dont know what I'll have to courage to do. I have my first counselling session next week to help me think through this.
I'm glad that you are in counseling. From experience it takes a lot of strength to stand up to this type of situation and to leave/divorce if it comes to that. Since you told him that he has 6 months, you have to leave him if he does not have a job in 6 months. If you don't, he will never believe anything you tell him in the future.

There are things that you can do now. What things of his do you finance? Do you pay for his gym membership? Does he have a car? Do you pay for that? Does he have access to joint bank accounts? You need to start making life a bit hard for him. He can get a job working at some convenience store or fast food place if he wants those kinds of luxuries. He can work there until he finds a job that he feels is good enough for him.

What kind of education does he have? What are his job skills?



Quote:
Originally Posted by FustratedinCA View Post
You guys have been very helpful. Please be nice to my husband. I don't think he's a bad guy
While we might be harsh about him, we are not being mean or think he's a bad guy. I think of him more as a guy who has lost his way and who does not have the pressures that most people have that compel them to work a job... you know that if we don't, we are on the street.

Like you said you want someone who has some passion for life. What kind of things does he have passion for?
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