Unemployed and unambitious husband - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
Long Term Success in Marriage If you've been married 10+ years and consider your marriage a success, post your success story here. Help others by talking about what works for you.

User Tag List

 75Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #46 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-07-2016, 03:33 PM
Banned
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 326
Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

You don't think he's a bad guy.

Come here and post his description after you separate or file for divorce.

Guarantee it won't be the same.

Manchester is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #47 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-07-2016, 03:40 PM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 33,002
Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by FustratedinCA View Post
I'm not worried about my paycheck. He would walk with half of my asset. So money is only a small component of this and is the least on my priority list. I want a husband whom I respect and who wants me intimately. In hindsight, I should have been more firm about him getting a job from the start
In California, you could end up paying him 30% to 40% of your income FOR LIFE if he does not start working. I have no doubt that at some point, you having to give him that much money for the rest of your life will become a HUGE issue.

I was in the same situation with my second husband, the one who was a lot like yours. I too am pretty high income and was concerned about alimony. Though I live in NM, so alimony is not as big an issue here as it is in Cali.

So what I did was to help you develop a business. I had to invest a few thousand to get him started, but he now supports himself.

It's actually something that your husband could probably do, so if you are interested in trying this send me a PM. It's not any kind of marketing or pyramid scheme, nothing that I would make money off your husband doing. Just so that you don't think I'm selling something like that.
EleGirl is offline  
post #48 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-07-2016, 03:45 PM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 33,002
Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by FustratedinCA View Post
your friend and I are in a similar boat...unfortunately. If anything, this is helping me think things through. Perhaps this weekend can be used for another round of serious discussion. Marriage counselling is likely going to take place sooner rather than later. I was a bit apprehensive about starting this trial with the upcoming holiday season =(
I thought that you gave him a 6 month window to find a job. When is that period over? Wouldn't it make sense to not separate until that period is over?

You also need to see a lawyer about all this before you separate. He could file for divorce the moment you move out and get life-long alimony in Cali. You really need to get him working and earning some income.
EleGirl is offline  
 
post #49 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-07-2016, 03:54 PM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 33,002
Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by FustratedinCA View Post
I think he respects me.
I don't think he respects you in the way that a man should respect his wife.

At one point I took my husband to a psychiatrist because I felt that someone who is so lacking in passion for life that he plays on the computer all day instead of working, lacked passion in other things, did not want sex had some serious emotional and/or mental health issues.

After listening to both of us talk, the psychiatrist looked at my husband and said to him:

"I can see why you are married to her. But I have no clue why she's still married to you."

The psychiatrist also told my husband that what he was doing, his refusal to get a job, his refusal to take care of the home since he was not working a job, his refusal to take care of his own children and putting all that on me is a form of very serious emotion abuse. He advised me to start looking at a way to take better care of myself and that I needed to consider divorce.

He also diagnosed my husband with ADD, OCD and serious depression. Put him on meds. The only thing that the meds changed, sadly, were that he was a lot more content and was able to concentrate even more deeply on his computer games and web surfing. He stopped going to individual counseling. That's when I was done. It's one thing for a person to have a problem. It's quite another for that person to refuse to fix the problem when they are given all the help and support needed to fix it.
EleGirl is offline  
post #50 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-07-2016, 06:50 PM
Banned
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 6,304
Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by FustratedinCA View Post
He treats me well, helps out with the chorus around the house, protective of me, loves me...


He should not "help out" with the chores. They should be his job to do 100% of them.


Sent from my iPhone the airport.
225985 is offline  
post #51 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-07-2016, 06:53 PM
Banned
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 6,304
Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by FustratedinCA View Post
No- he's quite the stud (now that he has time to go to the gym). healthy all around.


He would still have tome for gym even if he worked.....just like everyone else.

So who is he dating at the gym? That would explain his lack of desire for sex with you and unwillingness to work.

He has it really good.


Sent from my iPhone the airport.
225985 is offline  
post #52 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-07-2016, 07:30 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 2,662
Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

Sadly things just get more difficult with time. I had a long discussion with this friend. She and her husband were going on vacation in Hawaii. My comment was that this was a perfect opportunity to see how good things could get. Relaxing vacation, no stress, lots of free time for romance and intimacy. So she agreed that if they didn't have a good time together she would divorce him. They barely talked during the vacation, he did FB and games, she went out by herself. But - that was a year ago and she is giving him more chances.

I know how hard it is to leave. It doesn't get easier.


Quote:
Originally Posted by FustratedinCA View Post
your friend and I are in a similar boat...unfortunately. If anything, this is helping me think things through. Perhaps this weekend can be used for another round of serious discussion. Marriage counselling is likely going to take place sooner rather than later. I was a bit apprehensive about starting this trial with the upcoming holiday season =(
uhtred is offline  
post #53 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-07-2016, 07:41 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 2,662
Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

The thing is, I do all that for my wife, AND I have a full time job.

He needs to find a job - not just for your sake, but for his. Since you are not short on money, he should look for jobs that are meaningful, not just that have high pay.

He can spend his time on useful volunteer work. It gives him a sense of value, and is also a good place to make contacts.

If he is at home so much, he can learn a new skill. Learn python, or web design, or windows administration. He can learn to cook - its not magic, read, try, learn.



His behavior wrt sex is very much like my wife's and it typical for a LD person. Even if he gets a job, this may be enough reason to leave the marriage. Life without passion is missing something really important.






Quote:
Originally Posted by FustratedinCA View Post
Here are his excuses/reasonings:

On cooking: he's not a good cook and I don't like his bland cooking anyways. If I marinate, he will cook it up. But usually, if i'm too tired to cook, we go out. It bothers me that he plays on the computer or watches tv when I'm doing the cooking after work. I cook us a hot breakfast every day... I get it. Writing this down does have a way of making it clear.

On the job: He did 1.5 years of retail work and decided he doesn't have the patience for customer service work. But he's not qualified for jobs that he wants. He's gone back to school three times, but quit for various reasons. I'm desperate for him to have something outside the house. He currently spends his time on the computer looking for work and applies to 1 job a week. He goes tot he gym 5x a week, which takes up half of the day.

On finance: I have a high salary, so he doesn't see the need to contribute.

On intimacy: He's working on it, but never wants it (from me at least). I always have to initiate. Most of the time, he complains that he is too bloated, has a headache, doesn't feel good, too tired. When we do have a session, it is quick and gets the job done. He does like cuddling, holding hands, spooning.

On house chorus: We share this. He puts the clothing in the washer/dryer, I fold and iron. He loads the dishes, I unload. He helps with food prepping, I cook.

Nice things he does for me: He makes me coffee, pour me a drink at night, goes on walks with me, let me have the last piece of sweets, be supportive of my career, be protective of me, compliments the way I look, be understanding of my work commitment
uhtred is offline  
post #54 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-08-2016, 08:10 AM
Banned
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 326
Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
The only thing that the meds changed, sadly, were that he was a lot more content and was able to concentrate even more deeply on his computer games and web surfing. He stopped going to individual counseling. That's when I was done. It's one thing for a person to have a problem. It's quite another for that person to refuse to fix the problem when they are given all the help and support needed to fix it.
A different medication may have helped its too bad he got the wrong effect from it just imagine if he got better how different your life could be.
Manchester is offline  
post #55 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-08-2016, 08:24 AM
Banned
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 468
Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by FustratedinCA View Post
Please help me figure this out. My husband is a good husband. We've been married for 10 years and no kids. He treats me well and helps out around the house. I've been supporting us financially through the majority of the marriage as he was employed for only two of those years. I make a good salary but want a husband with a career (or just a job) and at least some passion for something in life. He is currently looking for employment after having quit a retail job. He doesn't want to deal with customer services..and certain jobs are beneath him. When I ask about his job search, he gets annoyed and defensive.

I'm trying to be supportive but starting to run out of patience. I can't have a husband who sits at home. Is anyone going through this?
I am a husband who has been unemployed and supported by his wife's high salary. I understand the feeling of shame, confusion, anger and frustration, when dealing with unemployment. I really don't know how to reply to your statement. All I know, is, your husband probably is going through stages of coming to terms with his unemployment. Like any other crisis perhaps you don't truly understand his internal struggle with this life situation. Maybe his wheels are spinning on what to do next. Or maybe he is still stuck in the depression stage of his loss and has to come out of that. You can't think straight when you are depressed. Perhaps when he exists the depression state and enters the anger state, that anger will catapult him using his anger in a constructive way to take action and take on a new career.

Mr.StrongMan is offline  
post #56 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-08-2016, 08:33 AM
Banned
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 326
Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by kindMe77 View Post
I am a husband who has been unemployed and supported by his wife's high salary. I understand the feeling of shame, confusion, anger and frustration, when dealing with unemployment.
Why do only guys feel this way when they don't work?

For the entire term of our failed marriage my exwife never worked. She was happy, satisfied, able to do whatever she wanted, guilt free all because she had someone to support her.

Now that we're divorced I will pay her forever and she is with a new guy who works and she still doesn't work.

Is it a gender thing? Are all women like this I wonder? My experiences tell me YES.
Manchester is offline  
post #57 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-08-2016, 08:53 AM
Banned
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 468
Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by Manchester View Post
Why do only guys feel this way when they don't work?

For the entire term of our failed marriage my exwife never worked. She was happy, satisfied, able to do whatever she wanted, guilt free all because she had someone to support her.

Now that we're divorced I will pay her forever and she is with a new guy who works and she still doesn't work.

Is it a gender thing? Are all women like this I wonder? My experiences tell me YES.
Throughout most of history women did not work. They stayed home and raised the children and took care of the house. THIS IS HARDER WORK THAT GOING OUT AND MAKING A LIVING if you ask me. It's non stop work. Society was not always like it is today with women in the workplace. Things have changed.
Mr.StrongMan is offline  
post #58 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-08-2016, 08:56 AM
Member
 
notmyrealname4's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,492
Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

.

Last edited by notmyrealname4; 11-19-2016 at 02:03 AM.
notmyrealname4 is offline  
post #59 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-08-2016, 08:59 AM
Member
 
MJJEAN's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: MI
Posts: 2,291
Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

@kindMe77 and @Manchester

This man hasn't worked BY CHOICE for approximately 8 of the last 10 YEARS. That is quite a different sitaution than a man who has lost his career due to circumstances. He isn't doing very much at home, bare minimum re: chores and below the bare minimum re: the relationship. OP clearly stated this "man" isn't even looking for work (one application a week on average) and spends most of his time "at the gym" while she works.
MJJEAN is online now  
post #60 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-08-2016, 09:05 AM
Banned
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 326
Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

If he was a she I'd swear you're talking about my exwife.

Serious.
Manchester is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome