Unemployed and unambitious husband - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
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post #76 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-08-2016, 02:49 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

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Originally Posted by Shiksa View Post
Unfortunately it sounds like you have a parent/child dynamic. This does not work in a marriage. You shouldn't have to tell him to buy you flowers or check up on him about job applications. He sounds like a man child. Without MC I don't think this can be changed.
He say he's not the romantic type. So I figured, since he's not a mind reader and I don't want to be disappointed, it is better that I ask him.

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post #77 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-08-2016, 03:25 PM
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Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

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CuriousBlue- Thank you for this reminder. He is making some effort. I did ask him to pick me up some flowers and he did. I've asked him to start wearing his wedding ring and he did during dinner last night. He hates the feel of wearing a ring- so he has never wear one during our marriage. He does get mad when I don't wear mine. He's getting better with that.

He is looking for work though I'm being patient that he has only applied for two jobs in the last two weeks. I've cut back on asking for a daily update on his job application status because each time I ask, he gets defensive and passive aggressive.
FCA, We are quick here to normally say a spouse is cheating, but C'mon, look at all the clues and tell me these are NOT the signs of a cheating spouse?

1) Spends all his time at the gym, instead of looking for work. That gives him free time to spend with his other woman.
2) Won't have sex with you. He is getting it elsewhere.
3) Does not carry his weight in the marriage. Won't do the chores. He does not care about you.
4) Won't wear his wedding ring. It is harder to date other women when you do that.
5) He gets mad when you don't wear yours. He does not want to lose his good life.

He picks up flowers when you ask him? Wow, such a great guy.

I have my own problems and that is why I am here. IMO your problem is not your husband but your problem is you. Why do you put up with this? Why do you think you don't deserve a much better partner. You do. You will never change him, whether he is faithful or cheating. You can only change you and your reaction to him.

You deserve better.

BTW, if he is not cheating, then he see you only as a paycheck. I am sorry.
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post #78 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-08-2016, 03:34 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

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FCA, We are quick here to normally say a spouse is cheating, but C'mon, look at all the clues and tell me these are NOT the signs of a cheating spouse?

1) Spends all his time at the gym, instead of looking for work. That gives him free time to spend with his other woman.
2) Won't have sex with you. He is getting it elsewhere.
3) Does not carry his weight in the marriage. Won't do the chores. He does not care about you.
4) Won't wear his wedding ring. It is harder to date other women when you do that.
5) He gets mad when you don't wear yours. He does not want to lose his good life.

He picks up flowers when you ask him? Wow, such a great guy.

I have my own problems and that is why I am here. IMO your problem is not your husband but your problem is you. Why do you put up with this? Why do you think you don't deserve a much better partner. You do. You will never change him, whether he is faithful or cheating. You can only change you and your reaction to him.

You deserve better.

BTW, if he is not cheating, then he see you only as a paycheck. I am sorry.
BlueinBR-
Thank you for taking time to compile your thoughts. I do see all the circumstantial conditions that may lead people to think my husband is cheating on me, but I have a hard time believing it. I feel so strongly about this that it would destroy me if there is someone else.

I think you're right, I need to reassess my role in this marriage and my next steps. I agree that I am starving for his attention. I am talking less and paying more attention to his actions. I came to the conclusion that it is not that he has a low sex drive but it is more likely that he isn't into me. For example, he would hang out with my other girl friends and I see how he gets lighted up and talks louder and more. So I see that there is interest in female interactions. So it makes me think: what is it about me that he finds undesirable? Perhaps it is me playing the caregiver role which I am ready to let go.

What pains me the most is the idea of a separation. I've been with him since I was 19/20...I don't know a life without him.
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post #79 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-08-2016, 05:37 PM
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Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

"For even when we were with you, we would give you this command: If anyone is not willing to work, let him not eat." 2 Thessalonians 3:10

"But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, especially for members of his own household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever." 1 Timothy 5:8

He needs to work 2 full-time jobs for the next 8 years to give you the 8 year break you deserve for carrying his lazy a$$ that long.
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post #80 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-09-2016, 09:50 AM
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Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

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He treats me well, helps out with the chorus around the house, protective of me, loves me...
Let me get this straight.

He hasn't worked for basically 8 LONG years out of the 10 years you've been with him, and he 'helps out' with the housework?

So you work full time AND do the housework while this lazy ass "helps out?"

Why would you settle for being with someone so completely worthless?
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post #81 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-09-2016, 10:04 AM
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Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

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Kindme77- how long does this depression stage last. He stopped working in 2006 for the exception of a few years. He doesn't seem depressed as he laughs often, enjoys our leisure travel, outings and such. I've asked him to talk to someone about it and he said it wouldn't help. What helped you? Maybe I can try for it as well. Thank you
For me, I have struggled with depression for as far back as I can remember. Even as a teenager and child I felt depressed. I went through therapy and even meds. Looking back I can honestly say the meds never did any good. Personally, for me, I found that being diagnosed with sleep apnea and using a cpap machine helped the most. I was not getting enough sleep! I now believe that since I stopped breathing at nights, that was effecting my brain and thus, my brain function. I can't say that's what your husband is going through. I am only speaking for myself. After using the cpap machine I feel much better during the days. I still do get depressed but I can think clearer now.
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post #82 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-09-2016, 10:14 AM
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Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

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Yeah. If I were married to a gym rat who didn't want to fvck me silly nightly, I'd be seriously suspicious of an affair with another woman or maybe even another man.
Yup.

I think the OP has blinders on. Romeo's been having himself quite the time at the 'gym.' But any so-called man who actually uses the excuse that he's "too bloated" to have sex with his wife (the OP said he actually uses that as an excuse!) makes you seriously wonder which team he's actually playing on.
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post #83 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-09-2016, 10:59 AM
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Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

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Throughout most of history women did not work. They stayed home and raised the children and took care of the house.
Not working for hourly or salaried wage labor does not = not working. Historically women did work in the home that supplemented the family income (weaving, herb-work, dairy work, etc) or they worked with their husband's business or helped on the farm. The concept of the home not being in and of itself a source for making money can after industrialization. So no for most of history women did work, just not in the way we are used to imagining.
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post #84 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-09-2016, 01:18 PM
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Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

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But isn't love more than just sex and money? Chorus, he does a good amount. Help with laundry, load the dishes...I cook and do cleaning. Your comment does have a lot of merit. I need to process this

wow...this is intense. When I say he's a good husband, I mean he is supportive of my career and life. He doesn't beat me or cheats on me. He is understanding of my work obligations. He makes dinner once in a while.
It amazes me as to how people in relationships think so differently. When I was married, I had a good career, cooked, cleaned house, did all the laundry, changed way more diapers and got up in the night with a bottle far more times than she, would've had sex anytime she needed it, I didn't beat her or cheat on her, I was supportive of issues and her job, yet she still came to the conclusion that the grass was greener somewhere else and got divorced.

There is nothing more sad or glorious than generations changing hands- John Mellencamp
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post #85 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-09-2016, 05:35 PM
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Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

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Originally Posted by FustratedinCA View Post
MJjean-your summary of the current situtation is true. He say that he would apply for more than 1 job a week but there isn't much available that is a fit. I see "for hire" signs during our outtings but he said that those jobs doesn't fit his personality.

If I lost my job, I would have to go pickup a temporary job to make ends meet for us. This has happened during the past. I had forgotten that I had to waitress at night to help us finance a car purchase while he stayed at home. This memory makes me sad as everyone here is making it apparent that I am the dumb one here.
I have been a SAHM since our we married. When we started having financial trouble, I got a job at a fast food restaurant. Flexible hours and close to home. Minimum wage, but the job wasn't that difficult and just like what I was doing at home for free (cooking and cleaning). I worked there for about 6 months, part time after DH got off work so he could take the kids, and then I was able to quit. Years later, things got tight and I got a job cleaning offices at night for minimum wage. Again, basically the same thing I was doing at home for free, lol. You do what you gotta do.

Unless we had a child with special needs or that was very ill I HAD to be at home 24/7, I couldn't imagine letting my husband work TWO jobs to pay for a car.

I know you've been with him all of your adult life and the idea of him cheating would be devastating, but many of the signs are there and I think you should investigate the possibility.

Don't rule out cheating with men. I know it is a shocking idea, but the human brain isn't even fully developed until about age 25. If you are the same age or close, perhaps he didn't know or accept his true sexuality until AFTER it was too late and he'd made a life with you. It happens. Could be he lights up around female friends because he's sexually attracted to them or it could be he lights up because he's found his tribe.

Honestly, you never found not wearing his ring, spending a lot of time at the gym, and being near sexless with you suspicious?

Maybe you've been accepting the situation because he is all you've known and you don't understand how a fully functioning romantic life partnership is so much more than what you're getting.


Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #86 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-10-2016, 10:51 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

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Originally Posted by She'sStillGotIt View Post
Yup.

I think the OP has blinders on. Romeo's been having himself quite the time at the 'gym.' But any so-called man who actually uses the excuse that he's "too bloated" to have sex with his wife (the OP said he actually uses that as an excuse!) makes you seriously wonder which team he's actually playing on.
Wait..what???? being bloated is not a good excuse for not having sex? To the men in the room, is this true???
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post #87 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-10-2016, 10:55 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

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I have been a SAHM since our we married. When we started having financial trouble, I got a job at a fast food restaurant. Flexible hours and close to home. Minimum wage, but the job wasn't that difficult and just like what I was doing at home for free (cooking and cleaning). I worked there for about 6 months, part time after DH got off work so he could take the kids, and then I was able to quit. Years later, things got tight and I got a job cleaning offices at night for minimum wage. Again, basically the same thing I was doing at home for free, lol. You do what you gotta do.

Unless we had a child with special needs or that was very ill I HAD to be at home 24/7, I couldn't imagine letting my husband work TWO jobs to pay for a car.

I know you've been with him all of your adult life and the idea of him cheating would be devastating, but many of the signs are there and I think you should investigate the possibility.

Don't rule out cheating with men. I know it is a shocking idea, but the human brain isn't even fully developed until about age 25. If you are the same age or close, perhaps he didn't know or accept his true sexuality until AFTER it was too late and he'd made a life with you. It happens. Could be he lights up around female friends because he's sexually attracted to them or it could be he lights up because he's found his tribe.

Honestly, you never found not wearing his ring, spending a lot of time at the gym, and being near sexless with you suspicious?

Maybe you've been accepting the situation because he is all you've known and you don't understand how a fully functioning romantic life partnership is so much more than what you're getting.
How do I investigate? I've looked at his online search record and there's isn't much?
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post #88 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-10-2016, 12:06 PM
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Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

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He treats me well, helps out with the chorus around the house, protective of me, loves me...
Wait. You work. He doesn't. Why is he "helping out" with the chores? Why isn't he DOING the chores. Like all of them. What does he do all day? How about. Ok, dear, I guess working is not your thing. I will lay off you about that. But in return I expect you to take care of the house, yard and pretty much everything but bills. I am guessing you want him no where near those.
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post #89 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-10-2016, 12:07 PM
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Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

I guess I missed a few pages. Not surprised by the development.
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post #90 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-10-2016, 01:32 PM
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Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

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How do I investigate? I've looked at his online search record and there's isn't much?
Somewhere there is a standard evidence thread, but I am not on my laptop and my tablet sucks, so I'm not going to try to link it. I'm sure some kind soul will.

Do some research into evidence gathering and software options away from home so he doesn't know. You do NOT want to tip him off that you are suspicious because then he will either stop or go to greater lengths to hide his activities.

You basically want to start off with keyloggers at home and on his phone It might take some...ummm..ingenuity, but I'm sure you can find a way to install such without him knowing.

Second basic evidence gathering device is a VAR. Voice Activated Recorder. You can find them online at at major retailers such as Best Buy and Wal-Mart. Ge the lithium battery, if I'm not mistaken. If the one you pick beeps when going on and off, you can snip the end off of some old headphones or get a cheap set you don't mind sacrificing, and plug it into the headphone jack to muffle the beep. Hide one in his car ( under the seat w velcro or maybe under the dash) and another in the room he spends most of his time in when talking on the phone or going online. Periodically check the recordings to see what he's been up to. If he's been playing around, eventually he will talk about it via phone or Skype/Facetime/Whatever and you'll catch it.

Some will tell you that "snooping" is a violation of trust and privacy. I am not in their camp. I believe that a spouse with cause to investigate, should. You have plenty of cause.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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