Unemployed and unambitious husband - Talk About Marriage
Long Term Success in Marriage If you've been married 10+ years and consider your marriage a success, post your success story here. Help others by talking about what works for you.

User Tag List

 75Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #1 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-07-2016, 12:26 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 41
Unemployed and unambitious husband

Please help me figure this out. My husband is a good husband. We've been married for 10 years and no kids. He treats me well and helps out around the house. I've been supporting us financially through the majority of the marriage as he was employed for only two of those years. I make a good salary but want a husband with a career (or just a job) and at least some passion for something in life. He is currently looking for employment after having quit a retail job. He doesn't want to deal with customer services..and certain jobs are beneath him. When I ask about his job search, he gets annoyed and defensive.

I'm trying to be supportive but starting to run out of patience. I can't have a husband who sits at home. Is anyone going through this?

FustratedinCA is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-07-2016, 12:34 PM
Member
 
EunuchMonk's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 575
Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

So he doesn't want to have sex with you and he doesn't want to work? Sounds like a do-nothing. What are his redeeming qualities again? I know you said he was a good husband but be specific.

Even if I don't get likes for it, I'm still going to say it.
EunuchMonk is offline  
post #3 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-07-2016, 12:36 PM
Member
 
Chris Taylor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,526
Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

I have to be honest with you. As someone who has hired a lot of people I'd be more than hesitant to hire a guy who has only worked 2 years out of the past 10 and quits jobs without another one to go to. It just shows irresponsibility.

You have three choices here:

1 - Suck it up and live with it. You may want to squeeze him financially (smaller allowance, etc...) but other than that it will be status quo.

2 - Convince him to get ANY job and just stay employed. My guess is if you haven't been able to do that in the past 10 years, you'll never do it.

3 - Divorce
Chris Taylor is offline  
 
post #4 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-07-2016, 12:37 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 41
Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by EunuchMonk View Post
So he doesn't want to have sex with you and he doesn't want to work? Sounds like a do-nothing. What are his redeeming qualities again? I know you said he was a good husband but be specific.
He treats me well, helps out with the chorus around the house, protective of me, loves me...
FustratedinCA is offline  
post #5 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-07-2016, 12:40 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 41
Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chris Taylor View Post
I have to be honest with you. As someone who has hired a lot of people I'd be more than hesitant to hire a guy who has only worked 2 years out of the past 10 and quits jobs without another one to go to. It just shows irresponsibility.

You have three choices here:

1 - Suck it up and live with it. You may want to squeeze him financially (smaller allowance, etc...) but other than that it will be status quo.

2 - Convince him to get ANY job and just stay employed. My guess is if you haven't been able to do that in the past 10 years, you'll never do it.

3 - Divorce
THank you for your response. I think your advice is honest and true. I can't accept the status quo, know that he won't take any job (and keep it), and I feel shallow for getting a divorce over this. I feel that people get divorce because they fall out of love but not for a job...I still love him.
FustratedinCA is offline  
post #6 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-07-2016, 12:45 PM
Member
 
Steve1000's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: US
Posts: 894
Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by FustratedinCA View Post
THank you for your response. I think your advice is honest and true. I can't accept the status quo, know that he won't take any job (and keep it), and I feel shallow for getting a divorce over this. I feel that people get divorce because they fall out of love but not for a job...I still love him.
Stop asking him politely about his job search. You need to show him that you are about to your wits end and tell him sternly that you are no longer willing to be the only bread winner.
Steve1000 is offline  
post #7 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-07-2016, 12:46 PM
Member
 
EunuchMonk's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 575
Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by FustratedinCA View Post
He treats me well, helps out with the chorus around the house, protective of me, loves me...
The no-sex and no-job aren't loving. If you are into bible, there is a passage that says a man who doesn't provide for his family is worse than an infidel. Don't let the "infidel" word trigger you. The terrorists gave this word dark meaning. What it is saying, and I know the modernists/SJW/feminist/progressives will take issue with these traditional gender roles but a man should work! Even if you wife is a Rockefeller, as a man you should work.

Considering he doesn't work, he shouldn't be "helping" with the chores. He should be doing all of them!

Even if I don't get likes for it, I'm still going to say it.
EunuchMonk is offline  
post #8 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-07-2016, 12:48 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 41
Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by Steve1000 View Post
Stop asking him politely about his job search. You need to show him that you are about to your wits end and tell him sternly that you are no longer willing to be the only bread winner.
Steve- I am at my wits end. We've had this discussion. I told him he has 6 months to figure it out.
FustratedinCA is offline  
post #9 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-07-2016, 12:50 PM
Banned
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 326
Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

Went through it with my exwife. Going through it with her and probably will until the end of time.

If you think it's bad now just wait until you divorce him and have to pay him for being lazy and not working.
Manchester is offline  
post #10 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-07-2016, 12:50 PM
Member
 
MJJEAN's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: MI
Posts: 2,211
Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by FustratedinCA View Post
He treats me well, helps out with the chorus around the house, protective of me, loves me...
There are many men who would do all of the above AND maintain a job along with a healthy sex life. Your husband sounds more like a pet than a mate.

MJJEAN is offline  
post #11 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-07-2016, 12:51 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 41
Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by EunuchMonk View Post
The no-sex and no-job aren't loving. If you are into bible, there is a passage that says a man who doesn't provide for his family is worse than an infidel. Don't let the "infidel" word trigger you. The terrorists gave this word dark meaning. What it is saying, and I know the modernists/SJW/feminist/progressives will take issue with these traditional gender roles but a man should work! Even if you wife is a Rockefeller, as a man you should work.

Considering he doesn't work, he shouldn't be "helping" with the chores. He should be doing all of them!
But isn't love more than just sex and money? Chorus, he does a good amount. Help with laundry, load the dishes...I cook and do cleaning. Your comment does have a lot of merit. I need to process this
FustratedinCA is offline  
post #12 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-07-2016, 01:01 PM
Member
 
MJJEAN's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: MI
Posts: 2,211
Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by FustratedinCA View Post
But isn't love more than just sex and money? Chorus, he does a good amount. Help with laundry, load the dishes...I cook and do cleaning. Your comment does have a lot of merit. I need to process this
Love is great, but marriage is about more than love. It's about partnership, mutual responsibility, and you must have compatibility in key areas. You aren't sexually compatible and he isn't a full partner accepting mutual responsibility if he's not pulling his own weight. And he's not. If you want a househusband with no sex drive, at least have him doing ALL of the chores, shopping, and errands while you're at work supporting him.

The difference between platonic love and romantic love is sex. You can be platonic friends with him without being married to and fully supporting him.

*Saying this as a SAHM for 20 years. While DH works, I do everything else, including car repairs and yard work. I only ask for assistance when it's a two person job and one of the kids can't help.
MJJEAN is offline  
post #13 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-07-2016, 01:03 PM
Member
 
EunuchMonk's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 575
Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by FustratedinCA View Post
But isn't love more than just sex and money? Chorus, he does a good amount. Help with laundry, load the dishes...I cook and do cleaning. Your comment does have a lot of merit. I need to process this
Yes, love is more than sex and money. However, this is a marriage. Whether the Jerry McGuire crowd agrees with this or not, marriage is like a business contract. Each partner has an end to hold up. It seems to me, he would at least accommodate you in physical affection if not financial security if he wanted to show love.

Even if I don't get likes for it, I'm still going to say it.
EunuchMonk is offline  
post #14 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-07-2016, 01:14 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,939
Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

i think you have gotten some really sound advice....and as to treating you well, that is wonderful but that is not the basis for a marriage. you can not carry the weight of a marriage and a family on your shoulders completely...he's too good to work in retail but not to good to have his wife support him....that is baloney.

As the song goes....Nobody rides for free...nobody
Lostinthought61 is offline  
post #15 of 95 (permalink) Old 10-07-2016, 01:14 PM
Member
 
Steve1000's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: US
Posts: 894
Re: Unemployed and unambitious husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by FustratedinCA View Post
Steve- I am at my wits end. We've had this discussion. I told him he has 6 months to figure it out.
That's good. The difficult part will be to not cave in after six months. He might not fully realize how serious you are until he sees that you are serious from your actions. I noticed that you have another thread about his lack of sexual desire. Is he significantly overweight?
Steve1000 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome