Maintaining Boundaries - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Long Term Success in Marriage If you've been married 10+ years and consider your marriage a success, post your success story here. Help others by talking about what works for you.

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post #31 of 98 (permalink) Old 11-16-2016, 03:29 PM Thread Starter
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I have read the responses and I have to ask: how many of the posters on this thread have enjoyed a longterm marriage with their covenant spouse (i.e. not ever divorced)?
I have noticed in casual conversation that divorced people tend to recommend D very quickly when trouble arises in a marriage. Perhaps so they don't feel so bad about their decision?

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post #32 of 98 (permalink) Old 11-16-2016, 03:34 PM
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Re: Maintaining Boundaries

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Originally Posted by MAJDEATH View Post
I have read the responses and I have to ask: how many of the posters on this thread have enjoyed a longterm marriage with their covenant spouse (i.e. not ever divorced)?
What difference does THIS make? Lots of people stay married who are miserable. I myself stayed married the first time far longer than I should have. Do you think that 'staying married' or not 'being divorced' is more important that actually being married to or with someone who treats you decently?
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post #33 of 98 (permalink) Old 11-16-2016, 03:41 PM
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Re: Maintaining Boundaries

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He must be getting mind blowing sex now. That's the only explanation that he didn't throw her out. She probably knew life time alimony was just days away from being unavailable and tricked him. HAHA.
IF it was me I would be getting the mind blowing sex and setting all my ducks in a row, once that dies down (boom). But that's just me I would have bounced after we broke up before I took her back with another mans kid.

Major-D why don't you just join a board about your fetish, I don't mean that to be hurtful I honestly think you need to stop denying who you are. I think you would be happier if you just admit it and have a happy life.
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post #34 of 98 (permalink) Old 11-16-2016, 03:47 PM
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Re: Maintaining Boundaries

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Originally Posted by MAJDEATH View Post
I have read the responses and I have to ask: how many of the posters on this thread have enjoyed a longterm marriage with their covenant spouse (i.e. not ever divorced)?
I have noticed in casual conversation that divorced people tend to recommend D very quickly when trouble arises in a marriage. Perhaps so they don't feel so bad about their decision?
Married 12 years. I have said it before, I have said it to my wife, I would bolt if she cheated. I wouldn't even think twice, to stay in with someone who would abuse and betray me like that would be a blow to my honor. Staying with someone who continually abuses you is morally wrong and disrespectful to the sanctity of marriage. It make makes a mockery of it and allows people who don't value it to use such marriage as an example of why it doesn't work. "Once you get married you life ends, you become a pu55y", ever hear guys talk that way? Marriage should be a partnership, when one spouse continually takes advantage of the other this example leads people seeing this to get disillusioned. Like anything that is corrupt. You have a moral responsibility not to "normalize" abusive behavior.

My internal happiness comes from my own character, my wife brings me joy, but not my happiness. I believe strongly that God is good and life will be good even when things are terrible and believe me I have been through terrible (that includes cheating, not my wife). I was not given the gift of life, it is my responsibility not to allow someone to take advantage of it. I care about that gift too much to disrespect it like that.

I am married to my wife because I gave myself to her, if she doesn't want that anymore then I will go somewhere else. No own is allowed to abuse me.

Last edited by sokillme; 11-16-2016 at 03:56 PM.
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post #35 of 98 (permalink) Old 11-16-2016, 03:51 PM
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Re: Maintaining Boundaries

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Originally Posted by MAJDEATH View Post
I have read the responses and I have to ask: how many of the posters on this thread have enjoyed a longterm marriage with their covenant spouse (i.e. not ever divorced)?
I have noticed in casual conversation that divorced people tend to recommend D very quickly when trouble arises in a marriage. Perhaps so they don't feel so bad about their decision?
What covenant spouse? Your wife and you destroyed that covenant when you both cheated. That was long ago so she has no excuse for what she just did. None. Don't make excuses for her. She's a grown woman who knew better but didn't care because she doesn't respect you. She doesn't hold marriage in high regard, otherwise she'd be trying to protect it not decimate it when another guy tempts her.

Didn't you say she went for the gun and you hightailed it out of there? She showed you how much respect she has for you in that very moment. Believe her.

I've never been married because I want to be selective. I recognize an honorable woman with class and integrity when I see one, but your wife doesn't fit that description. I hate divorce but some marriages are just not worth fighting for because the other spouse just isn't spouse material.

Last edited by becareful2; 11-16-2016 at 03:56 PM.
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post #36 of 98 (permalink) Old 11-16-2016, 03:54 PM
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Re: Maintaining Boundaries

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Married 12 years. I have said it before, I have said it to my wife, I would bolt if she cheated. I wouldn't even think twice, to stay in with someone who would abuse and betray me like that would be a blow to my honor. My internal happiness comes from my own character, my wife brings me joy, but not my happiness. I believe strongly that God is good and life will be good even when things are terrible and believe me I have been through terrible (that includes cheating not my wife). I was not given the gift of life to allow someone to take advantage of it. I care about that gift too much to disrespect it like that.

I am married to my wife because I gave myself to her, if she doesn't want that anymore then I will go somewhere else. No one is allowed to abuse me.
^^This^^

And what did your wife say after you told her that?
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post #37 of 98 (permalink) Old 11-16-2016, 03:59 PM
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Re: Maintaining Boundaries

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Originally Posted by MAJDEATH View Post
I have read the responses and I have to ask: how many of the posters on this thread have enjoyed a longterm marriage with their covenant spouse (i.e. not ever divorced)?
I have noticed in casual conversation that divorced people tend to recommend D very quickly when trouble arises in a marriage. Perhaps so they don't feel so bad about their decision?
For sake of argument i have been married 30 years and while my wife and i have our problems and issues, i can tell you this, i have never had to worry about my wife rubbing some man's foot with or without my knowledge. I can absolutely tell you that all of my kids are mine with 99.99% certainty....but back to Hope's point your comment as nothing to do with your actions....accept the fact your a hypocrite, and that your wife will more than likely cheat again and be done with it. I get it you want to stay married regardless of the consequences...there is nothing wrong with that if you accept it, and obviously you have, then move with your life...but don't blame us for pointing out the hypocrisy in previous posts you placed on here...and BTW i well your wife to respond as well.
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post #38 of 98 (permalink) Old 11-16-2016, 04:10 PM
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Re: Maintaining Boundaries

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Originally Posted by MAJDEATH View Post
I have read the responses and I have to ask: how many of the posters on this thread have enjoyed a longterm marriage with their covenant spouse (i.e. not ever divorced)?
I have noticed in casual conversation that divorced people tend to recommend D very quickly when trouble arises in a marriage. Perhaps so they don't feel so bad about their decision?
Infidelity in marriage is very, very, very difficult to work through and overcome. Most couples, even if they love each other, refuse to attempt to do the work. They see how much work has to be done instead of how much work they've already invested. It's much easier to divorce than it is to try to make things work.

In my experience, it is an amazing journey to see couples who are scarred by infidelity make thier marriages solid again. The amount of work each individual is required to make is immense. Not to mention the amount of transformation that has to take place. I study those couples religiously. And for those couples who loved each other but divorce was the best, easiest option... well not so interesting.
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post #39 of 98 (permalink) Old 11-16-2016, 04:12 PM
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Re: Maintaining Boundaries

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^^This^^

And what did your wife say after you told her that?
What part, the giving myself. She actually said it to me one time before I even said it to her. It was like an oh wow moment. We both feel entirely the same way. I think that is why we have a good marriage. She was established had her own house. She married late in life because she hadn't met the right person. 31, I am 4 years younger. It was remarkable because when we talked about it we felt the same way. I know that she could be just fine on her own, in many ways better then me even. I think she knows and I have said, being her husband is my honor, I didn't marry her for anything she gives to me, though she brings so much to my life. My love for her is not contingent on what she does for me, but again I will not be abused.

She also knows I would not stay if she cheated. I don't think she cares she just kind of rolls her eyes because she is not going to cheat. If she did though I would be alright. My first love cheated on me and I found out after I proposed. When I found out was an out of body experience, literally. If you see Dr. Strange the first time his soul leaves his body it gets punched out. That really happened to me saw my own body and everything at least that is how I remember it. Anyway I played the pick me dance for about a month until I looked at myself in the mirror and couldn't do it anymore. So I did the hardest thing I have ever had to do, I ghosted I never talked to her again though she did reach out for a while. It was like detox. During that time my mother who had a first love heart brake of her own told me something that was my mantra. "If you can get through this you will be able to get through anything". I believe that now. Nothing could ever be worse then that because my love for this woman was innocent. That is what I lost as a trade in for a stronger soul. That is really the only thing I lost, but i gained strength and wisdom.

I added some stuff to the quoted post to clarify by the way, bad habit I know.
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post #40 of 98 (permalink) Old 11-16-2016, 04:15 PM
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Re: Maintaining Boundaries

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Infidelity in marriage is very, very, very difficult to work through and overcome. Most couples, even if they love each other, refuse to attempt to do the work. They see how much work has to be done instead of how much work they've already invested. It's much easier to divorce than it is to try to make things work.

In my experience, it is an amazing journey to see couples who are scarred by infidelity make thier marriages solid again. The amount of work each individual is required to make is immense. Not to mention the amount of transformation that has to take place. I study those couples religiously. And for those couples who loved each other but divorce was the best, easiest option... well not so interesting.
I am convinced that it only can work if the partner who cheats has, not remorse like everyone says but real deep down shame. Shame is the only thing that changes a persons. Most people are not capable of being that introspective about their actions.

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post #41 of 98 (permalink) Old 11-16-2016, 04:16 PM
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Re: Maintaining Boundaries

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Originally Posted by MAJDEATH View Post
I have read the responses and I have to ask: how many of the posters on this thread have enjoyed a longterm marriage with their covenant spouse (i.e. not ever divorced)?
I have noticed in casual conversation that divorced people tend to recommend D very quickly when trouble arises in a marriage. Perhaps so they don't feel so bad about their decision?
I was married 45 years before my divorce. I could have remained married had I been willing to overlook that pesky little detail about him again cheating. No, I don't feel bad about my decision. My regret is not divorcing him 30 years earlier the first time I caught him cheating. That I definitely do feel bad about. What's that old saying about "fool me once . . ."

I'm sure you knew when you came back that posters wouldn't be lining up to support your decision. You knew the thinking behind that when you posted your first of many threads about your marital issues. I stand by my statement that you enjoy drama. And you enjoy putting your stories on TAM. Obviously.
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post #42 of 98 (permalink) Old 11-16-2016, 04:20 PM
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Re: Maintaining Boundaries

MJ-D let me ask you one question. Why do you have no hope for something better? Have you ever thought that if you leave this woman the rest of your life might be much better an you emotionally much healthier? Do you think your worth is that low that you don't deserve someone who will treat you well. I think you are a kind good man, you raised another man's kid with a person who didn't always treat you "nice", don't you think some kind woman might want someone like you to just spend the rest of her life with. Maybe you can be the one she gives foot rubs to instead of you chasing after your wife's.

I am not trying to be religious but this really speaks to what it is like when you find a good woman.
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post #43 of 98 (permalink) Old 11-16-2016, 04:26 PM
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Re: Maintaining Boundaries

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I was married 45 years before my divorce. I could have remained married had I been willing to overlook that pesky little detail about him again cheating. No, I don't feel bad about my decision. My regret is not divorcing him 30 years earlier the first time I caught him cheating. That I definitely do feel bad about. What's that old saying about "fool me once . . ."

I'm sure you knew when you came back that posters wouldn't be lining up to support your decision. You knew the thinking behind that when you posted your first of many threads about your marital issues. I stand by my statement that you enjoy drama. And you enjoy putting your stories on TAM. Obviously.

I am sorry Openminded. Forty-five years being married to a serial cheater is just too painful to fathom.
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post #44 of 98 (permalink) Old 11-16-2016, 04:48 PM
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Re: Maintaining Boundaries

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I am sorry Openminded. Forty-five years being married to a serial cheater is just too painful to fathom.
Thanks, bc2.

We were sexually incompatible and I own my part in that. But I should have left 15 years into the marriage and not believed him when he promised me it would never happen again and begged me not to divorce him. Live and learn.
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post #45 of 98 (permalink) Old 11-16-2016, 05:03 PM
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Re: Maintaining Boundaries

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Originally Posted by MAJDEATH View Post
I have read the responses and I have to ask: how many of the posters on this thread have enjoyed a longterm marriage with their covenant spouse (i.e. not ever divorced)?
I have noticed in casual conversation that divorced people tend to recommend D very quickly when trouble arises in a marriage. Perhaps so they don't feel so bad about their decision?
I have been married almost 21 years, together 23 years. Never divorced.

"You are talking about the nonsensical ravings of a lunatic mind!" Victor Von Frankenstein
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