Maintaining Boundaries - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
Long Term Success in Marriage If you've been married 10+ years and consider your marriage a success, post your success story here. Help others by talking about what works for you.

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post #76 of 91 (permalink) Old 11-21-2016, 08:09 AM
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Re: Maintaining Boundaries

Many years ago, I saw a family member in what looked to be a verbally and physically abusive relationship. I even offered the female half and her children a room at my house so she could get away from her abuser and get on her feet. She refused. I was perplexed.

Later, I found out that the family member wasn't being abused at all. All of the bad behavior we outsiders saw was actually their kink. The horrible public comments, the physical shoving, etc. was actually their foreplay.

I seriously wonder if TAMers are unwittingly participating in a similar kink.

I am starting to believe that MrsMajDeath is simply a non-monogamist who enjoys catting around and that MajDeath is into the drama and rush of investigation, spying, and confrontation. I am starting to believe this is all a game they play and have been playing for around 20 years.


Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #77 of 91 (permalink) Old 11-21-2016, 08:17 AM
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Re: Maintaining Boundaries

"I realize that this situation/dynamic is unique to us. She was not aware that it was a problem for me, and I was wrong in not communicating my concerns clearly to her sooner."

Now, she states that she broached the subject with the OM and was trying to find a way to tell you that wouldn't make you upset.

So, which is it? Which lie do you find easier to swallow?

You have to accept the fact that she did this because she wanted to and knew full well that it would piss you off as it would piss off any other person on the planet. She used your home to 'entertain' another man. If this was all so innocent, why didn't they ever enjoy the rubs at his place in front of his wife?

An 'olive branch'? Seriously? Even if she did have that little convo, it proves she knew it was wrong and did it anyway.

Look, you're trying to make sense of something that makes no sense. You have a remorseless wife who is trying to save her skin. She'll say anything in hope of finding the one thing that will make you stop giving her grief.
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post #78 of 91 (permalink) Old 11-21-2016, 10:58 AM
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Re: Maintaining Boundaries

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Originally Posted by MAJDEATH View Post
There is something else that is troubling me. W communicated that during the last rub session with the OM, she told him that "I need to find a way to tell (MAJDEATH) about our meetings without him getting upset, but I haven't thought of a good way to do that, what do you think?" and OM said "whatever". Shortly after he left. In hindsight, she indicated that this made her upset at the OM, because she was waiting for him to say something along the lines of "well if there is no good way to tell your husband without upsetting him and he is the most important thing in your life, then we should stop what we are doing because it is wrong". Supposedly they had been friends for 17 years and talked a lot at times, all pro-marriage.

Now before all the forum naysayers tell me this is hogwash, I must premise this by saying that I have no way to verify any of this, it is hearsay. I know she is working closely and intensely with her own IC, and this subject was most likely discussed in their sessions. If it is true, does it mean anything or is it simply her trying to dangle a olive branch toward R by indicating that she was starting to resent the OM and would have ended the "non-appropriate" part of their friendship on her own? Or is it cheater-speak nonsense?
Of course she was about to end it. ALL cheaters were about to end it when they got caught! It's just a strange force of nature that cheaters always get caught right when they were about to end it.

Okay, let's say she WAS about to end it. Can you not see that this was a form of affair? Even after you were supposed to be reconciling with her, she has a secret relationship with another man. She hid it, admitted she knew you would be upset, and only came clean when you confronted her about it.

Maj, seriously man, why? Why are you so dependent on this person? What hold does she have on you?

"You are talking about the nonsensical ravings of a lunatic mind!" Victor Von Frankenstein
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post #79 of 91 (permalink) Old 11-21-2016, 11:35 AM
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Re: Maintaining Boundaries

Continuing to point out the VERY VERY OBVIOUS here is pointless. Maj, I give up.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

Our R
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post #80 of 91 (permalink) Old 11-21-2016, 11:57 AM
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Re: Maintaining Boundaries

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I am starting to believe that MrsMajDeath is simply a non-monogamist who enjoys catting around and that MajDeath is into the drama and rush of investigation, spying, and confrontation. I am starting to believe this is all a game they play and have been playing for around 20 years.
I agree. I've thought for awhile now it's a game.
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post #81 of 91 (permalink) Old 11-21-2016, 12:19 PM
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Re: Maintaining Boundaries

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Continuing to point out the VERY VERY OBVIOUS here is pointless. Maj, I give up.
Ditto, I'm out.
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post #82 of 91 (permalink) Old 11-21-2016, 05:04 PM
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Re: Maintaining Boundaries

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And here I thought there would be such a difference between posting in the "long term success in marriage" section and the "coping with infidelity" section. It seems the tone is the same.


I don't see any reasoning as to why you posted in this section. Your marriage is only a success for your wife.

I've been with my wife for 30+ years married for over 15. I know she would never invite another man into our house while I'm not home for, ahem, "foot rubs." Why? Mutual respect for each other and the sanctity of marriage if we see a problem in our relationship we look within the relationship to fix it. We don't to go elsewhere looking for ego kibbles. We still act and make out like teenagers when we are alone together.

We have, like others here stated that if either of us were to cheat, it would be game over for us, plain and simple.

The only trust I would see in your wife is, I trust she will cheat again and again and again because you tolerate it.


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post #83 of 91 (permalink) Old 11-22-2016, 01:13 PM
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Re: Maintaining Boundaries

It seems the Reconciliation forum would have been a better fit for this thread. You don't have a long-term successful marriage if you're in the midst of yet another fiasco.
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post #84 of 91 (permalink) Old 11-22-2016, 03:28 PM
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Re: Maintaining Boundaries

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It seems the Reconciliation forum would have been a better fit for this thread. You don't have a long-term successful marriage if you're in the midst of yet another fiasco.
I beg to differ. Reconciliation isn't what he's in. Reconciliation implies two partners both doing their best to have a happy life together. There's a HUGE difference between simply 'staying married' after cheating, and 'reconciliation'.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

Our R
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post #85 of 91 (permalink) Old 11-22-2016, 03:59 PM
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Re: Maintaining Boundaries

I'm outta here too. This is stupid.

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post #86 of 91 (permalink) Old 11-23-2016, 07:40 AM
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Re: Maintaining Boundaries

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There is something else that is troubling me. W communicated that during the last rub session with the OM, she told him that "I need to find a way to tell (MAJDEATH) about our meetings without him getting upset, but I haven't thought of a good way to do that, what do you think?" and OM said "whatever". Shortly after he left. In hindsight, she indicated that this made her upset at the OM, because she was waiting for him to say something along the lines of "well if there is no good way to tell your husband without upsetting him and he is the most important thing in your life, then we should stop what we are doing because it is wrong". Supposedly they had been friends for 17 years and talked a lot at times, all pro-marriage.

Now before all the forum naysayers tell me this is hogwash, I must premise this by saying that I have no way to verify any of this, it is hearsay. I know she is working closely and intensely with her own IC, and this subject was most likely discussed in their sessions. If it is true, does it mean anything or is it simply her trying to dangle a olive branch toward R by indicating that she was starting to resent the OM and would have ended the "non-appropriate" part of their friendship on her own? Or is it cheater-speak nonsense?
I don't know why I'm bothering, but here goes.

Your wife was beside you during a 3 year period of strife. Good for her. That's what spouses do.

Often, during times like these, the spouse who is being the 'rock' is not having their own needs met, because it's all about the spouse who needs the support during that time.

Enter the OM.

He was providing her with her needs for attention, intimacy, physical contact, etc., which I assume she didn't feel like she was getting during this period.

During this time, she knew it was wrong, but not WRONG. It felt good, it felt right, it wasn't sexual (I'll play along and say it didn't get any further than private foot rubs...)

She felt some guilt about it, hence her saying to OM that she wanted to find a way to tell you about their footsy encounters. If she is to be believed, his response was 'whatever'. This implies his interest in her was likely more than foot rubs, and he realized at that moment that he was not likely to stick his penis in her. He was playing the long game, waiting for her to make the first sexual move.

When she realized this (which I have no doubt she did), she came clean. Enter the real guilt. Which brings excuses, lies, minimizing, deflecting and gas lighting.

So what you're left with is knowledge that the person you share your life with will get her needs met elsewhere when necessary. That she isn't, and wasn't, willing to sacrifice her needs for yours when you required it. This is a basic tenet of marriage. It sucks when it happens, and one partner has to sacrifice for the other, but it does happen (illness, job loss, depression, etc).

The mark of a truly good marital partner is when they step up to that plate and forsake themselves for the time required.

Good luck, Maj.
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post #87 of 91 (permalink) Old 11-23-2016, 08:51 PM
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Re: Maintaining Boundaries

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I'm outta here too. This is stupid.
Yeah, same here.

"You are talking about the nonsensical ravings of a lunatic mind!" Victor Von Frankenstein
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post #88 of 91 (permalink) Old 11-23-2016, 09:13 PM
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Re: Maintaining Boundaries

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Originally Posted by MJJEAN View Post
Many years ago, I saw a family member in what looked to be a verbally and physically abusive relationship. I even offered the female half and her children a room at my house so she could get away from her abuser and get on her feet. She refused. I was perplexed.

Later, I found out that the family member wasn't being abused at all. All of the bad behavior we outsiders saw was actually their kink. The horrible public comments, the physical shoving, etc. was actually their foreplay.

I seriously wonder if TAMers are unwittingly participating in a similar kink.

I am starting to believe that MrsMajDeath is simply a non-monogamist who enjoys catting around and that MajDeath is into the drama and rush of investigation, spying, and confrontation. I am starting to believe this is all a game they play and have been playing for around 20 years.
Wow, I wouldn't have thought of this, but it makes so much sense. Good insight.

Sometimes, you fall in love with the most unexpected person, at the most unexpected time. ~ Unknown
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post #89 of 91 (permalink) Old 11-25-2016, 09:04 AM
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Re: Maintaining Boundaries

If you don't agree with a person, if you don't want to contribute to their story, then just DONT. To post on the thread just to say "I'm not going to post on this thread anymore" is really freaking lame.

FWIW, I don't think this is a game at all.

I do think that MAJDEATH's wife is the author of some of the out of character posts and she's doing what she cao repair the damage and win back MAJDEATH's trust or more aptly to reduce or eliminate his suspicions but so what. He's not going anywhere. He might have a revenge affair here or there to "get even" but he'll stay in this dysfunctional abusive deceptive situation until the end of time unless his wife leaves him for one of her many affair partners.

He's not playing some sort of twisted game, the poor guy is not the brightest bulb in the shed and he's in complete denial except for once in a while when it's so damn blatent he can't ignore it so he posts his suspicions here, has a brief period where he plans to take action but in the end he falls right back in line just like his wife expects him to.

Because for him, the alternative is unfathomable. He cannot and will not face the reality of the situation because there is too much fear. It sounds incredible but there are lots of people who live their lives this way because it's all they can handle.
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post #90 of 91 (permalink) Old 11-25-2016, 09:42 AM
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Re: Maintaining Boundaries

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Originally Posted by MAJDEATH View Post
There is something else that is troubling me. W communicated that during the last rub session with the OM, she told him that "I need to find a way to tell (MAJDEATH) about our meetings without him getting upset, but I haven't thought of a good way to do that, what do you think?" and OM said "whatever". Shortly after he left. In hindsight, she indicated that this made her upset at the OM, because she was waiting for him to say something along the lines of "well if there is no good way to tell your husband without upsetting him and he is the most important thing in your life, then we should stop what we are doing because it is wrong". Supposedly they had been friends for 17 years and talked a lot at times, all pro-marriage.

Now before all the forum naysayers tell me this is hogwash, I must premise this by saying that I have no way to verify any of this, it is hearsay. I know she is working closely and intensely with her own IC, and this subject was most likely discussed in their sessions. If it is true, does it mean anything or is it simply her trying to dangle a olive branch toward R by indicating that she was starting to resent the OM and would have ended the "non-appropriate" part of their friendship on her own? Or is it cheater-speak nonsense?
LOL.

Your WW has you so completely snowed.
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Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

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