Maintaining Boundaries - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 91 (permalink) Old 11-14-2016, 11:27 AM Thread Starter
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Maintaining Boundaries

(Full Disclosure: My W has recently joined TAM and may read/respond to my posts. She and I disagree on the benefits of the advice provided on this forum, but I submit that, like other sites that I read/post to (Affair Care, Marriage Builders, etc) you must decide if the advice given applies to your specific situation. Either way, I welcome all responses, including hers)

Recently, it has become necessary for my W and I to define appropriate boundaries for members of the opposite sex. I have communicated my concerns about male non-family members being in our home when I am not there, and she has both agreed to and has demonstrated (as verified by our adult son) that she will not invite others into the house.

I realize that this situation/dynamic is unique to us. She was not aware that it was a problem for me, and I was wrong in not communicating my concerns clearly to her sooner.

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post #2 of 91 (permalink) Old 11-14-2016, 11:34 AM
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Re: Maintaining Boundaries

What are you talking about specifically? Why would men be in your house and why would your wife invite them? Are we talking about the Maytag repairman or "friends?"
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post #3 of 91 (permalink) Old 11-14-2016, 12:22 PM
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Re: Maintaining Boundaries

The OP's wife had a guy coming over and there was foot rubs going on( or something to that nature).

There should not be any men in the house when you or not home, and no going to there place either. I would never allow a man into my home that was not here to fix something if my H is gone, this includes friends.

It is disrespectful,whether you trust them or not to me this is a big NOPE.



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post #4 of 91 (permalink) Old 11-14-2016, 06:16 PM
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Re: Maintaining Boundaries

What he's talking about? He's said before (in a number of threads) that his wife has cheated on him.

If she has joined TAM, I suggest she put her side of the story out there.
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post #5 of 91 (permalink) Old 11-14-2016, 06:19 PM
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Re: Maintaining Boundaries

Yeah if MAJDEATH's wife would be so kind as to post exactly how she can validate being alone in a bedroom with another guy doing collateral foot massages (and being secretive about it), I'd very much like to hear her reasons and justifications for doing so.
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post #6 of 91 (permalink) Old 11-14-2016, 06:39 PM
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Re: Maintaining Boundaries

why he getting footrubs? It's a bit of a personal thing, but as someone who gets cramping in feet from high arches, all footrubs greatfully received. But still it's a bit of a personal thing.

The other important question is "Who is this guy to you?". If he's a mentor, study buddy, training partner (eg dance/martial arts), family friend, workmate of hers not particularly big deal. If it's a friend of yours...a bit more odd (since you not there, but somethings schedules work like that if he's not there long). But if he's your buddy, footrubs are really borderline, even with health issue (unless acute) (although Rene of 'ello 'ello pops into mind "silly woman, can't you see the poor girl has ..." ).
But all those things assume (1) Your attention, support, sex life are satisfactory; (2) they have valid reason to chat and hang out.

Beyond that? I'd be getting something like a Canary (home security device, with motion sensitive cloud-based recording functionality) and putting it in the house. If suddenly they're not talking in public space any more, or the device is getting moved/disabled then you have good reason to expect somethings wrong - and with the added bonus that such devices are great for catching regular burglars.
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post #7 of 91 (permalink) Old 11-14-2016, 06:56 PM
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Re: Maintaining Boundaries

To be fair, she might not have known that was inappropriate.

Make sure you also tell her not to blow other men or eat yellow snow. She might be unaware those are inappropriate as well.
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post #8 of 91 (permalink) Old 11-14-2016, 08:05 PM
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Re: Maintaining Boundaries

so let me understand this....your wife fools around with another guy's feet and maybe his lips and you actually have to sit down with her and discuss boundaries...seriously? in what world does this make any sense (i'm sorry i just forgot we elected a racist as president....scratch the world part) ...i would love for her to answer this post and explain her side of this and explain how she saw nothing wrong with that.
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post #9 of 91 (permalink) Old 11-14-2016, 08:54 PM
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Re: Maintaining Boundaries

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Originally Posted by Xenote View Post
so let me understand this....your wife fools around with another guy's feet and maybe his lips and you actually have to sit down with her and discuss boundaries...seriously? in what world does this make any sense (i'm sorry i just forgot we elected a racist as president....scratch the world part) ...i would love for her to answer this post and explain her side of this and explain how she saw nothing wrong with that.
I think we'll be listening to crickets. That's what I think.
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post #10 of 91 (permalink) Old 11-14-2016, 09:22 PM
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Re: Maintaining Boundaries

@MAJDEATH You didn't say what it is you want explicitly. Did you just start the thread for your wife to post? If so, why couldn't she have started it? Do you want TAM's opinion on proper boundaries?


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post #11 of 91 (permalink) Old 11-14-2016, 10:33 PM
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Re: Maintaining Boundaries

Called it.

Can't have boundaries without consequences.

Your not communicating it is bull5hit, but deep down you know. Some things don't have to be communicated. Does she have one of those pens like Men in Black or something?

You should just open your marriage already, at least you would both get the same deal.

If not go get some counseling to try to break the cycle of abuse that you continue to subject yourself to.

Last edited by sokillme; 11-14-2016 at 10:41 PM.
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post #12 of 91 (permalink) Old 11-15-2016, 10:41 AM
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Re: Maintaining Boundaries

It sounded to me that the OP was talking about communication.

I'm not going to question footrubs, men going into his home, and certainly not going to question him on his wife.

Lets talk about this new communicating he and his wife have engaged in and the extent to which it is or may not be working. Communicating in marriage is much more important than why his wife might have had other men over in his absence or her justifying foot rubs.

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post #13 of 91 (permalink) Old 11-15-2016, 10:44 AM
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Re: Maintaining Boundaries

If I'm not mistaken, your wife was specifically planning these foot rubs when you would be away from home? I think that falls under the category of deception. She can't say she didn't know this would bother you. She knew very well that it would and that is why she was secretive and hid what she was doing.

I hope your wife will post here regarding her thinking on why she was so secretive about it. Do you now have to make a list of every possible thing she could do with another person and tell her not to do them?

So, can she go to his house and give him foot rubs?

"You are talking about the nonsensical ravings of a lunatic mind!" Victor Von Frankenstein
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post #14 of 91 (permalink) Old 11-15-2016, 01:28 PM
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Re: Maintaining Boundaries

I'm guessing she was secretive about the foot rubs because she knew it was WRONG!

Maj, you don't have a communication problem with your wife. You have an honesty problem with your wife. Your last paragraph is bullsh!t. She didn't ride the short bus.
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post #15 of 91 (permalink) Old 11-15-2016, 02:16 PM
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Re: Maintaining Boundaries

@MAJDEATH, wtf is wrong with you???? Do you even read anything that people post to your threads on here? She DIDN'T KNOW?!?!?!?! Is she severely mentally handicapped or something????

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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