Just scheduled a clinical psychologist session for one - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 45 (permalink) Old 11-15-2016, 08:57 PM
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Re: Just scheduled a clinical psychologist session for one

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We don't date much (maybe go out once a month; no close family, few available, trustworthy babysitters)
It's ok. Most people who come here are full of excuses, too, lol.

Seriously? Few trustworthy babysitters? How would you know? What steps have you taken to find them? Agencies? Churches? Friends' recommendations? Angies list? Care.com? nextdoor.com? A dozen other websites?

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she complains about the lack of romance I show her. If romance is picking her up and carrying her to bed it's usually too late by the time there is any opportunity
More excuses. And you haven't even started implementing our advice yet; of course you can't just carry her to the bedroom right now. You're a doormat who frankly disgusts her right now. You have a LOT of work to do first before she'll even remember she used to be attracted to you, let alone care about being attracted to you. Read NMMNG before you do ANYTHING. You will understand.

If she complains about the lack of romance you show her, what are you doing about it? What does romance look like to her? You should know that, you're married to her. Or do you two never talk to each other?

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and I've been rejected no matter how manly or tough I get (the toughness always offends her).
What are you talking about? What toughness? What does that even mean? Are you talking about during sex? You realize that is NOT what we're talking about, right? A strong man never has to use force. Never has to be mean or tough. Never raises his voice. Because he is SECURE in his manhood. In his desirability. In his ability to weather any storm. In his lack of need to get something from her, because he's complete with or without a woman.

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At night she's usually so exhausted from her day that after dinner she just wants to binge TV and fall asleep (I usually make sure the kids are washed, brushed, read-to and tucked in at night and she does the morning wake up kids, dress them, feed them, take them to school, pick them up every weekday).
Isn't she a SAHM? What the hell does she have to be exhausted about, since you're the one doing all the work from the time you get home from work? And then giving her footrubs every other night? And backrubs?

How fast CAN you read NMMNG?

How about when she just wants to binge TV and fall asleep, instead YOU sit down on the couch and ask her to give the kids their baths? The fact that YOU are the one working full time and THEN going home and working all night while she has every day off from 7 to 3 IS YOUR WHOLE PROBLEM.

Do you see that yet?

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The only romance that ever stuck with me was writing and touching, but the inspiration to write is blocked and the touching is working against me.
More doormat talk. Read the book.

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post #17 of 45 (permalink) Old 11-15-2016, 08:58 PM
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Re: Just scheduled a clinical psychologist session for one

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Ok, just failed at 180; so much for being on track for a full 48 hours.

Things were holding steady until dinner time and she came out from our room after I served dinner to the kids and asked if I made anything for us. I said no, to make something for herself and she started saying things like "good to know for next time" and other intentionally hurtful comments about how I don't care for her (she made dinner for me on Sunday night which was very nice but this was also the same night/day that I mentioned in my first post and my mind was occupied, not very hungry, and I didn't eat much of it). She used it as an example and I blew up from doing 180 into a 360. I make most dinners when we don't go out or order in. I tried to 180 back into it but I lost control. I kept calm but she didn't want to be around me. I acted pathetic again and I feel like crap. I don't know how to break out of my destructive patterns without it exploding in my face.
By going to therapy to learn how to love and respect yourself.
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post #18 of 45 (permalink) Old 11-15-2016, 09:20 PM
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Re: Just scheduled a clinical psychologist session for one

Everything your wife is doing is calculated and manipulated.

The sooner you understand that the quicker you will find a solution.

The solution is not to change her but to change YOU.

She will change once you do. If not, you will be strong enough to find a partner worthy of you.

Just keep repeating "Everything my wife says and does is to manipulate me"
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post #19 of 45 (permalink) Old 11-15-2016, 09:28 PM
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Re: Just scheduled a clinical psychologist session for one

I disagree. Women - especially selfish women, or princesses - are very likely to turn into his wife and it has nothing to do with manipulation. It's a direct response to being put on a pedestal, not having to be responsible for 50% of their lives, and having a man who keeps putting himself further and further into doormat territory.

I don't know how many times I've said it, but it never changes:

Women have to have strong men.

Or they become unhappy, bitter, snarky, mean, cold, and uninterested.

I'll bet if she saw you packing a bag, she might wake up.
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post #20 of 45 (permalink) Old 11-15-2016, 09:51 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Just scheduled a clinical psychologist session for one

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Isn't she a SAHM?
No, she works full time, gets up at 5am and gets home with kids around 5pm. She works in the opposite direction from my office and our kids go to the district she works in. I sympathize and admire her busy schedule (working women are sexy to me); she's done it since before we met (sans kids of course). My schedule has always been more flexible with work remote options. She works in the public sector and doesn't have those kind of options.

I respect your directness in calling out my excuses (some comments sound like my wife would have made them to another man in my situation) and the time to respond. I've made a lot of excuses for myself as I attempted to answer posted questions. Here's another excuse for you: the web babysitters won't fly with her; she has too much anxiety over trying out strangers with our kids. I tried it once and she cancelled it the same day; anxious about the freaks (we live in a big city). We take advantage of the local, once-a-month youth center night out for parents and have great dates where my thirst for lust is usually quenched. This last one and the one before we had to cancel because one of our kids was sick.

Romance to her? Little surprises like flowers sent to her office or love notes worked in the past, but not often for getting her turned on where I can just take her. Getting someone to watch the kids away from home has been the surest bet, going away somewhere for a night even better.

I will start listening to NMMNG on a long walk tonight. Thanks again for trying to put my ass in gear, I really appreciate it and I'll get back to you & thread later.
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post #21 of 45 (permalink) Old 11-15-2016, 10:25 PM
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Re: Just scheduled a clinical psychologist session for one

She hasn't earned romance yet. I suggest pulling away.
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post #22 of 45 (permalink) Old 11-15-2016, 11:21 PM
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Re: Just scheduled a clinical psychologist session for one

Ok, so not a SAHM. But why do you have to do all the work when you get home if you both work? This is something you can start changing NOW. When she plops down on the couch, hand her one of the kids. Tell her you're going out for a trip to the bookstore or something. Right this off-balance ship.
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post #23 of 45 (permalink) Old 11-16-2016, 12:35 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Just scheduled a clinical psychologist session for one

About 2 & 1/2 chapters in to NMMNG and it's definitely hitting home. I am nice and always wanted to be nice so I hide suppressed feelings to make my wife happy and make excuses for myself to make my wife think I'm perfect and like me. I haven't even reached the improvement chapters but wanted to thank you for the reference. Going to fall asleep to it now...
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post #24 of 45 (permalink) Old 11-16-2016, 03:56 AM
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Re: Just scheduled a clinical psychologist session for one

Stop engaging her passive put downs.
Ignore and shut up.
Telling her to make her own dinner was good. You should have left it at that.

You are not her emotional punching bag. You are a human being with needs and you're going to learn to stop being sorry for them all the time.

Put your big boy pants on and get ready to file. The threat of divorce is not to be taken lightly.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #25 of 45 (permalink) Old 11-16-2016, 08:17 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Just scheduled a clinical psychologist session for one

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Stop engaging her passive put downs.
Ignore and shut up.
Telling her to make her own dinner was good. You should have left it at that.

You are not her emotional punching bag. You are a human being with needs and you're going to learn to stop being sorry for them all the time.

Put your big boy pants on and get ready to file. The threat of divorce is not to be taken lightly.
Agreed, I need to stop seeking her approval. It's not easy for me to swallow but I'll push it in counseling today. I've been like this all my adult life, seeking the approval of women, so it will take time to transit to seeking approval for myself. For instance, I need to learn to control my outbursts and reactionary behavior and just learn to take control.

I realize now a large part of my original posting was to seek approval from this community. Typical "nice guy" scenario, but at least I have learned something since then.

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post #26 of 45 (permalink) Old 11-16-2016, 08:33 AM
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Re: Just scheduled a clinical psychologist session for one

Once you finish those two books, here's another great one before I forget it. I bought it to give to my H (to teach him how to be a better husband, lol) and I read it first. It's an easy read and makes SO much sense. It's basically about honoring your wife and kids but also honoring yourself and making sure you get some "me" time in your life, as it helps you keep a mental balance and not become either a doormat or a selfish jerk.

Hold on to Your NUTs Audiobook | Wayne M. Levine | Audible.com

The author also does a lot of coaching and stuff you might benefit from. Look him up.
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post #27 of 45 (permalink) Old 11-16-2016, 08:50 AM
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Re: Just scheduled a clinical psychologist session for one

N.U.T's is a great book. Get it.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #28 of 45 (permalink) Old 11-16-2016, 10:01 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Just scheduled a clinical psychologist session for one

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Once you finish those two books, here's another great one before I forget it. I bought it to give to my H (to teach him how to be a better husband, lol) and I read it first. It's an easy read and makes SO much sense. It's basically about honoring your wife and kids but also honoring yourself and making sure you get some "me" time in your life, as it helps you keep a mental balance and not become either a doormat or a selfish jerk.

Hold on to Your NUTs Audiobook | Wayne M. Levine | Audible.com

The author also does a lot of coaching and stuff you might benefit from. Look him up.
Just same-day'd the paperback on Amazon (along with a hard cover of NMMNG).

How well have the adjustments stuck with your H since he first read it?
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post #29 of 45 (permalink) Old 11-16-2016, 10:25 AM
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Re: Just scheduled a clinical psychologist session for one

Oh, I never gave it to him, lol. Once I read it, I realized that the issues discussed had nothing to do with him (he has no problem getting what he wants out of life, lol), I never passed it on.

Something else you need to remember is that you can't make your partner want to do anything. You can WISH they would, you can ASK them to, but if it's not what matters to THEM, you'll never see the change.

That's why we push so hard about you fixing YOU. Hoping and waiting for something from your spouse is futile and damaging. You can, however, adjust YOUR life so that, to her, it becomes more advantageous to come around to your way of thinking, so that she then gets what SHE wants.

Example, I asked my H to help more, to (upon my IC's request) pick ONE chore he'd be responsible for, so I could have a bit of a mental respite. I asked, he refused. And promptly forgot that I even asked. Because it didn't matter to him. I sat, I stewed, and finally I decided that I had to change MY life to help myself and stop waiting for him to care. So I stopped doing his laundry. When he finally ran out of clothes, he blew up at me (remember, I do ALL the chores at home except mowing and changing oil). How dare I not have his clothes ready? I just shrugged and said 'I asked you for help, you refused, so I had to pick something to take off my list to lessen my load; I picked your clothes since it doesn't affect me' and I walked off to work on all my other chores.

Later that afternoon, I caught him fixing something I'd been asking for for years. So I did a load of laundry. He saw that, and fixed something else. So I did another load. And so it goes.

When it benefits HIM to listen to me and care about my predicament, I get what I need. If you keep her comfortable, meet all her needs, regardless of how she treats you, why should she change?

Last edited by turnera; 11-16-2016 at 10:52 AM.
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post #30 of 45 (permalink) Old 11-16-2016, 10:26 AM
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Re: Just scheduled a clinical psychologist session for one

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Ok, just failed at 180; so much for being on track for a full 48 hours.

Things were holding steady until dinner time and she came out from our room after I served dinner to the kids and asked if I made anything for us. I said no, to make something for herself and she started saying things like "good to know for next time" and other intentionally hurtful comments about how I don't care for her (she made dinner for me on Sunday night which was very nice but this was also the same night/day that I mentioned in my first post and my mind was occupied, not very hungry, and I didn't eat much of it). She used it as an example and I blew up from doing 180 into a 360. I make most dinners when we don't go out or order in. I tried to 180 back into it but I lost control. I kept calm but she didn't want to be around me. I acted pathetic again and I feel like crap. I don't know how to break out of my destructive patterns without it exploding in my face.

Learn to shrug and walk away.

And as for those intentionally hurtful comments, she is provoking you into an argument. And when you respond she gets an emotional charge and further confirmation that you are unattractive and not worth a shag. The best response is "I'm sorry you feel that way" and then treat the comments like water rolling off a duck's back.
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