Just scheduled a clinical psychologist session for one
I really upset my wife last night in a way that has hit a new low for our relationship. I scheduled to meet with a psychologist this week to get my life back together. I have trouble putting my feelings to spoken words. Perhaps I have too many clouded thoughts in my head and I need to clear them one at a time and organize them thoughtfully after. I canít say how many revisions I wrote composing this piece but for itís short length it took me over 5 hours to complete.
My wife struggles with some form of everyday anxiety that persists in her family; she strives for order and honesty and loves our family (we have two children under 9). I have a general lack of attention to detail (possibly ADD) because I donít always hear things after acknowledging I have. Or, I take things out then I donít always remember to put it away or feel leaving it out is more convenient for some future uncertainty. Or, Iíll start a project around the house, then walk away for something else and forget I was doing it until later. Or, I treat our garage (the one space larger than 2 sq ft Iím allowed to keep as my own space) like itís a dumping ground. Given this, I am surprisingly successful in my career and fatherhood but the mistakes I make there are easily forgiven because of either generated revenue or unconditional love. These same mistakes I make around my wife are taken less and less tolerably and I believe her when she says they are wearing her to a breakdown.
I am also a man with a very functional testosterone system. I could have sex every day, likely before every meal and I struggle with my wifeís increasing lack of desirability toward me. I have made a few steps toward improving my appeal, including maintaining my body weight in the normal/healthy range (I was once considered obese by those numbers) and working out regularly, minimizing my drinking and giving her 10-30 minute foot & leg massages (on average) every other night. These are not just desperate attempts to coax my wife into having sex with me, I truly love her and want our relationship to be strong. And we do have good, even very good, days together. The problem I deal with is the rejection. I learned early in our relationship not to ask for sex as my wife is very turned off by the desperation. Since then, I have become nothing but desperate. We have sex on average once every 6 weeks and thatís been a steady average for years. She doesnít feel in the mood very much (or does at inconvenient times for her), never climaxes for me (even when I go down on her, which I very much enjoy doing but stops me before getting her close) and I can't hold out my orgasm for more than a few minutes because I canít hold my excitement.
Last night was a case I could have let play out like every other night before it. That morning my wife recognized I was depressed but I had trouble copping up to it because I was sitting with our kids and not ready to get into it with them around. I was, in fact, feeling frustrated, because the night before we were getting very cuddly together. Iíd rub her neck and shoulders and sheíd moan low with pleasure (not uncommon when I massage her, true). Most nights like this she would be soothed to sleep and the night before was no different; only I was more turned on than usual. So I was a bit frustrated the next morning that I hadnít come close to any sort of mutual intimacy with her, even if it meant her just rubbing her hand across my chest. I started to convince myself I was at fault and I should have been more aggressive. I took most of the day to clean the house, relax and resolved to communicate my desires, even if it meant having to ask for sex, which was an absolute last resort. My wife spent the morning exercising then took the kids out for a few hours after. Later in the afternoon while she was taking a shower, I casually knocked on the door and asked her if I could get her anything. To my unexpected surprise and delight she said, ďan orgasm.Ē I was ready to take my clothes off right there and join her but with the kids playing around the house it was understandably an anxious no-go from her. That night I put the kids down as early as they could (without getting cranky) then slowly, patiently, tried to get my wife in the mood with caressing her shoulders and neck and everything else she loves while she watched her favorite channel on TV. I followed with a long foot rub where she fell asleep several times but when I asked if she was she kept insisting she was awake. Finally, I couldnít hold it anymore and I tried to move my way up, but she was considerably turned over and closed off. She thanked me kindly for the foot massage and I knew this was my last chance; I had to pull my Hail Mary even though I knew what it meant: I asked if she wanted to have sex. I got a sorry but confident Ďnoí. I didnít know how to control myself, internally I panicked; externally I could not hold my disappointment and resolved myself to the shower where I knocked out the testosterone surely but shamefully. When I got out she was still awake and asked if I was feeling better. I said I wasnít, that I was feeling hurt and rejected. That woke her up fully and infuriated her. She said I sounded desperate and I admitted I was, I was tired of lying about it. She hinted I sleep in another room, which I left to do, but that made things worse and she came in to tell me a minute later. I followed her back explaining why I was upset I felt teased (though carefully not using that word specifically) and thatís when her anxiety peaked. Itís happened before and itís always nasty: the Ď**** youí and Ďshut the **** upí hurt, especially because she very rarely curses, but itís the crying that hurt most. I hurt her feelings big time, she would take no soothing and I fell asleep next to her trying to figure out how I could have handled it better. About an hour later I must have started snoring because she kicked me out (common scenario) and this morning she suggested we find help or weíre done.
I have never had an affair and never attempted one. Any inklings of interest women have shown me over the years (which are few and far between) have been shut up by my lack of interest and faith in our marriage. I would never even consider it now with the lack of physical attention Iím feeling. I try to tell her once a day how good she looks or how much I like what sheís wearing. I try to give her a solid day/half-day on the weekends to have some time for herself (I spend my free time at night after sheís fallen asleep; 9pm typically) [for the record, when she does take me up on time out for herself she usually goes shopping for the kids or family, not herselfóits part of her anxiety and I wish she would do more for herself but I love her for it]. I try not to tell her how sexually charged I am at any given moment (and it really is any moment) so I can give her peace, but when I canít control how Iím feeling, she loses all sense of peace and I bear the guilt of putting our family on the brink of dissolution.
Thusly, I looked up a psychologist online in my area that deals with relationships and intimacy problems and booked an appointment this week. I will share this posting with them because I donít think I could explain my situation clearly face-to-face without setting the stage. In summary, hereís what I strive for: I need to figure out how to change my sloppy patterns for the sanity of my family, control my caveman-like urges and show my wife (without touching) I how much I love her so she understands how I really feel.