30 Years this November - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Long Term Success in Marriage If you've been married 10+ years and consider your marriage a success, post your success story here. Help others by talking about what works for you.

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post #16 of 24 (permalink) Old 11-28-2016, 12:00 AM
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Re: 30 Years this November

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@SimplyAmorous,

I enjoyed reading your post and congrats to you as well. I don't want to gloss over the rough patches we've had over the years but we've never had anything close to being a trust issue. Ever. Looking back most conflict we had was over stupid, silly things. It seems more and more that we navigated through a maze and were lucky to make the correct turns along the way.

Perhaps it was important for us to understand, accept, and be happy with our marriage roles. They've been clearly defined from the start. I've always been able to provide so she could run the home, but she worked until we decided to have our son. We've only ever had "our money", not "my money" and "her money", and I trusted her to manage the budget and pay the bills (most practical for a military family). When our son was born I did my best to be more than a paycheck...to be an involved father...and to take the pressure of being home with a young one all day off of her shoulders when possible. My wife will tell you that she feels spoiled.

Anyhow, I hadn't put a lot of thought about how we got here until coming to TAM. This site has prompted a number of heart-to-heart discussions between us and I am so glad it did. It's good to take stock once in a while.

~MS
Still near everything you say sounds so much like us... I've always handled all the finances, he's happy he doesn't have to mess with any of it (his words)...I'm a little tighter over him so he's never worried about me.. if anything... I might complain we need to "wait.. not spend this much right now"... I don't think my husband has written a check in the last 17 yrs or so... always "our money" too..

Our fights have always been rather on the ridiculous side ... in the moment it can get heated.. but there were times we even started laughing in the midst of them.. some are so outrageous..we've relived them -just for a good laugh, sharing them with friends even!... He doesn't hold my hot headedness against me in the moment.. God bless him. Then it calms.. and we talk, we share, we humble ourselves....this moves us towards each other...and it's always good to FIGHT NAKED !..

Then there is Make up sex...he's accused me of fighting for make up sex.. then we'd argue about this, but just a little...

It had to be difficult with your being away in the Military... just the MISSING each other, would get very lonely - I can't imagine the anticipation.. the longing there ....

This is one area we've not had to deal with.... I think the longest we've been separated may be about a week , his getting training for work in another state .... we've been married 27 yrs (together 34)... in our early years....I remember us throwing around the idea of his getting training for a Class A - over the road.. we decided against it.. we'd miss each other too much.. better for us live very frugally, me to go to work on the side, working around his schedule.. but we'd still see each other every day..

Yes... reading here has opened up many discussions between us too, the "What IF's" of life... I don't think it matters how many years a couple has been together... still there are new insights along the way... I'm thankful my husband doesn't mind such a thing...a lot of men might be like "Leave me alone woman!@#".... I like to call it "Intellectual Foreplay" even.. a phrase I got from a book.... he doesn't get into writing on a forum- like me.... but he's always game for sharing his 2 cents... I just really appreciate that..

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post #17 of 24 (permalink) Old 11-28-2016, 12:10 AM
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Re: 30 Years this November

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Our son will move off to college next fall (which is financially covered, he will graduate with no debt).
Your son owes you big time; you should feel secure that he will look out for you in your old age.
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post #18 of 24 (permalink) Old 11-28-2016, 10:11 AM Thread Starter
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Re: 30 Years this November

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Last edited by MSalmoides; 12-13-2016 at 09:01 AM.
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post #19 of 24 (permalink) Old 11-28-2016, 10:17 AM
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Re: 30 Years this November

Great post.


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This November we celebrated 30 years of marriage (33 together). Someone asked on another thread how we made it and I thought I'd post my answer here. My W has read it and agrees. I'm not sure if this will be helpful to anyone but it's our experience.

-------------------------------------------------

That is a good question and TBH one I didn't think much about until I came to TAM. Reading so many stories here has caused me to take stock of where we've been and where we're headed. I'm not sure if my W will think that I got this right but I will take a stab at it.

For me: I come from a family that has a direct line of descent from the primordial Drama Queen. Most of what I saw growing up was women behaving badly, i.e. drinking, cheating, lying, physical abuse of their men, etc. and men running out on their obligations to their children. I mentioned that between 5 close female relatives there were 21 marriages and all of them cheated on their H's, some cheated on multiple H's. I had no male role models other than my Scoutmaster and an HS teacher, and they were good Christian family men. As a young man I made two promises to myself: 1) I would be a real father to any children I had, and 2) I would always treat the woman I married with respect, even if we one day divorced. I fell in love, got married, and haven't looked back.

Also, and I know this is so yesterday and un-relationship pc, but I view my marriage role as the protector and provider and have taken it very seriously. The role of protector includes protecting our relationship from my own potential stupidity. I've certainly had opportunities to cheat over the years and I won't say there wasn't temptation (what is it with women making passes at married guys anyway?). But I love my wife and made a vow before God to be one with her, no one else.

For her: To start, my wife is a deeply Christian woman and believes adultery is a sin before God. Divorce is ultra rare in her family. I trust her completely and without equivocation and she knows. She's taken care of the home and the finances and all other matters that come with running a family, this is her role and I respect and appreciate the job she has done. Although I had to put the military first so many times I gave my best to put her first when I could. She could write volumes about all of the surprises she's gotten over the years, the fact that I did all of the night feedings when she was recovering from a rough delivery (then went to work), and the respect that I've shown her emotionally and physically. She just told me that she's always felt loved and wanted.

For us: We've had ups and downs. We've argued. I've slept in the guest bedroom or on the couch a few times. She's been aggravated with me and I with her. But we always worked through it. We are completely open. We have full access to each other's social media (i.e. fb), email, and phones. Everything is a complete OPEN BOOK. For the life of me, I have no idea why people passcode their phones or hide social media presence from their spouses unless it is to hide something. Period, no excuses. If I wouldn't want my W to know about it, I shouldn't be doing it. Period, no excuses. If more people applied that to their marriages... Well, the bottom line is trust is earned, every day. If I were to change the passcode on my phone, or passworded my laptop, it would only be to hide something from her, right? That's the way I see it and it protects her trust and she protects mine.

I know this won't work for everyone, heck today maybe almost no one. Marriage means two become one, but so often what I am seeing is "We're married, but two remains two." Being married doesn't mean you lose your identity, it means that you've made a commitment to grow your identity with the person you love. That's what we've tried to do.

~MS
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post #20 of 24 (permalink) Old 11-28-2016, 11:21 AM
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Re: 30 Years this November

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We are experiencing a major change in our life dynamic. I retired this April and am at home all day. I do volunteer work and maintain our acreage but I am not working. Our son will move off to college next fall (which is financially covered, he will graduate with no debt). For the first time EVER we're facing the question: what to do next? Next has always, and I mean always, been defined for us. The next set of duty station orders, the next life milestone for our son, the next job, etc. Since I retired we also have less disposable income. I have a great pension with healthcare but we may be looking to downsize our lives earlier than many "retired" couples because we can't get to our retirement nest-egg for another 7 years. I haven't ruled out working again but I won't do a job that isn't "fun" for me.

My wife and I haven't really dealt with "what's next." Frankly, it's the elephant in the room that we've been avoiding. This is new territory for us. She has a vision and I have a vision, and they aren't entirely the same. I define a "vision" as a picture of what future success looks like. We're working on it!
Can you come together.. making a list of the pros & cons... talking it all out .. from her vision.. vs your vision...

Would it be possible for one of you to realize their vision for a period of time .... while the other gets a version of theirs after a few yrs ? Just a thought...
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post #21 of 24 (permalink) Old 11-28-2016, 06:03 PM Thread Starter
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Re: 30 Years this November

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Last edited by MSalmoides; 12-13-2016 at 09:01 AM.
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post #22 of 24 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 10:35 AM
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Thanks for your service MS. We are former military also (notice I said we, because the spouse serves too) and the deployments were a difficult time for us.
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post #23 of 24 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 10:42 AM
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Re: 30 Years this November

My husband and I celebrated our 30 year anniversary this month also. I'm very thankful for my husband and the marriage we have.
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post #24 of 24 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 01:09 PM Thread Starter
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Re: 30 Years this November

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