Is "Once a cheater, always a Cheater" an accurate quote? - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
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post #46 of 58 (permalink) Old 12-12-2016, 03:12 PM
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Re: Is "Once a cheater, always a Cheater" an accurate quote?

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Originally Posted by MAJDEATH View Post
The question is, is there a greater chance to repeat compared to the first time? It might actually be less if the WS got caught or confessed, due to increased awareness/oversight by the BS.
Perhaps, but that's no way to live. I can't sleep well with one eye open.

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post #47 of 58 (permalink) Old 04-23-2017, 12:47 PM
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Re: Is "Once a cheater, always a Cheater" an accurate quote?

Read this: Once A Cheater, Always A Cheater? Marriage Therapists Weigh In | The Huffington Post

It requires a lot of conditions for cheaters to stop cheating and I think what we see here, are spouses not willing to undergo a lot of counseling or open mindedness. How many wives in the posts here blame their husbands for their cheating? To stop cheating, a lot of things have to fall into place. This website is for those who are not aware of their options or they would not be asking.

I cheated and did not blame my wife, did not love her less, but have always had multiple women in my life. My wife knew my reputation before we married. We ended up having a non monogamous marriage. Not many sex partners, less than 10 in over 44 years of our marriage. Most of our marriage was spent with a girlfriend we knew since our teen years and both treated as family even before it turned sexual. I am one of those guys who is poly and could not survive in a monogamous relationship. Turns out that my wife is bisexual and also needed other women in her life. Once she accepted that she did not have to be the prototypical faithful wife, she allowed her repressed sexuality to come out. We eventually choose to have a fidelitous poly triad for 30 years so we were like a monogamous couple except that there were three of us.

My wife and I agreed that we would have divorced had we decided to be strictly monogamous. As for statistics, I spent a good part of my life working for government agencies gathering statistics. I made them come out in favor of whatever my employer wanted them to be. I do not trust statistics that much. The statistics of me needing a gun for self protection are extremely low and yet I have needed it twice. The statistics of a college drop out ending up making more than most internist, lawyers and airline pilots, is very small and yet I make more then they do. I can go on and on about statistics. To understand them you need to find out how they obtain their information and the size and diversity of the sample. For instance marriage counsellor only track their patients for a year after they end counselling. No one knows if they go on to cheat again beyond a year. People are reluctant to tell the truth when the questions are personal. They tend to say what they wish they were than what they regularly do.

Ever boss I worked for, 5 of them, cheated more than once, male or female. My friends who cheated are on their 3rd and even 4th wives. They never stopped cheating. Every person I knew who cheated, kept on doing it and they were never a part of a survey. There is one truth that is glossed over by marriage counselors; a person's past behavior is a very good indicator of their future behavior. This is why when there is a robbery, the police round up all the robbers in their system. People can change, but most cannot. To stop cheating you have to do A,B,C,D and then you will not cheat again. The problem is that few are willing to do all those things. Read the article above and see all the conditions that have to exist to stop cheating. I had my ex fiancee and an ex girlfriend cheat on me, my only two relationships before my marriage. I was unwilling to live the rest of my life suspicious of them and having my stomach in knots every time they went out for the night without me or spent a few hours at the mall without me. Statistics do no show why they stop cheating nor do they mention how cheaters do keep on cheating but do not get caught again so their spouses think they are no longer cheating. Marriage should not be so hard that both spouses have to work so hard at it. Many stay married for the sake of the children or their spouse looks the other way. Sometimes the spouse gives permission to the cheater to date others. I have dated a few wives like this. In fact my girlfriend of 30 years was married to a doctor who gave her his OK to continue with both me and my wife. As I said, the stats depend on who was surveyed and if they were given lie detector test to verify their answers. Every time I was asked if I cheated, I said no. My wife never told anyone but her lovers that she is bi and would not even say so in a survey.

I minored in psychology and I new a few professional Psychologist in my adulthood. One of my group of close friends did Marriage Counselling and his wife cheated and they divorced. After that he quit saying he did not believe what he was telling others and himself about marriage. If you are going to believe statistics, just do some research and for every stat you get, you can find studies that say the opposite. Most, if not all studies are flawed and there is no way in heck you can get statistics of all those who cheat since most do not seek marriage counselling and are off the radar. People like me and my friends. Hillary was supposed to win the election. All that statistics said so.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality when the choice is monogamy or your marriage.
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post #48 of 58 (permalink) Old 04-23-2017, 04:41 PM
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Re: Is "Once a cheater, always a Cheater" an accurate quote?

I disagree with the statement, once you do it once, it is easier the next time. I'm sorry, but I view my affair as a cautionary tale. I see it as a massive f**k-up, and something to be avoided. To that end, I do not get overly "friendly" with women other than my wife. Hell, I do not even make off-color remarks in the office (I have a business partner that does, however, and I'm scared sh*tless of having a staff sue us for harrassment. He gets my objections regularly, and next step will be for him to indemnify me in case this ever happens.)
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post #49 of 58 (permalink) Old 04-23-2017, 07:22 PM
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Re: Is "Once a cheater, always a Cheater" an accurate quote?

Not really. If you take away the things which made the person cheat, most likely they won't. Most guys cheat cuz of stress, lack of stress it's in our DNA to f other women. Sorry you can't change that. All guys want to do it. However, most guys just watch porn and then let that feeling go.
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post #50 of 58 (permalink) Old 04-23-2017, 07:24 PM
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Re: Is "Once a cheater, always a Cheater" an accurate quote?

I used to think that ''once a cheater, always a cheater'' was almost always true, but after reading some positive stories on here of wayward spouses who turned their lives and marriages around by being truly remorseful and did the hard work of earning the trust back from their BS, I have changed my mind on that. It is possible for people to change, if they really want to.

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post #51 of 58 (permalink) Old 04-24-2017, 08:18 AM
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Re: Is "Once a cheater, always a Cheater" an accurate quote?

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Originally Posted by Ericlobster View Post
Not really. If you take away the things which made the person cheat, most likely they won't. Most guys cheat cuz of stress, lack of stress it's in our DNA to f other women. Sorry you can't change that. All guys want to do it. However, most guys just watch porn and then let that feeling go.
I've known MANY MANY guys over the years who cheat for variety.

MANY.

What can you possibly 'take away' from guys who sport-**** whenever they get the opportunity that's supposedly making them cheat? Their desire for 'strange?' Their working plumbing? Honestly, what can you possibly take away from them that's causing their desire for variety?
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post #52 of 58 (permalink) Old 04-24-2017, 02:13 PM
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Re: Is "Once a cheater, always a Cheater" an accurate quote?

no its not always true.
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post #53 of 58 (permalink) Old 04-24-2017, 05:00 PM
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Re: Is "Once a cheater, always a Cheater" an accurate quote?

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Originally Posted by Ericlobster View Post
Not really. If you take away the things which made the person cheat, most likely they won't.
If by "things which made the person cheat" you mean bull**** excuses, then I think you're right.

Quote:
All guys want to do it.
No we don't. Lots of us are perfectly capable of making a commitment and sticking to it.
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post #54 of 58 (permalink) Old 04-25-2017, 02:54 PM
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Re: Is "Once a cheater, always a Cheater" an accurate quote?

There are exceptions to every rule.There are people who have done worse things in life.... like horrible and brutal crimes, but managed to change into good human beings.Having paid the consequences first of course and then fix themselves with therapy.
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post #55 of 58 (permalink) Old 04-25-2017, 03:05 PM
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Re: Is "Once a cheater, always a Cheater" an accurate quote?

Quote:
Originally Posted by MAJDEATH View Post
It seems that TAM is somewhat biased towards believing this quote at face value. I was curious if there is current research to back up this so-called "proven-fact" that is often expunged by Internet tough guys; the same guys who believe that you should dump her at the first sign of infidelity, if you are a "real" man.
I wonder if these guys have real marriages, real children, have real mortgages, and live in the real world of real human nature?

Can trust be rebuilt? Do we underestimate the ability to change? Are some people more likely to cheat again than others? I believe before a cheater can even consider changing their ways, they must work thru the issues that drove them to stray, which may take time thru IC.

I did find some current studies that showed about 70% of those who cheated in the past were now faithful in their current relationship. The study indicated that the 30% (repeat cheaters) shared some common dynamics, to include:
1 Genetic disposition (a certain gene is not present, and almost all shared the same lacking gene with a parent, who also cheated)
2 Reported to have "fallen out of love"
3 High level of self attractiveness
4 High level of sex drive
5 In men, larger sized testicles were more likely to be repeat offenders, perhaps greater T levels
I think this gene stuff is nonsense. My father and his father both cheated, but neither my brother or I have or will.
If you have integrity and strong moral values you wont cheat no matter what. if you have cheated once you can and may well cheat again because you have shown that faithfulness to you isn't that important and that you have low moral values. I would never trust a man who had cheated on a previous wife/partner.
Once that boundary has been crossed, it shows that person is capable of doing that again.


Last edited by Diana7; 04-25-2017 at 03:10 PM.
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post #56 of 58 (permalink) Old 04-25-2017, 03:08 PM
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Re: Is "Once a cheater, always a Cheater" an accurate quote?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ericlobster View Post
Not really. If you take away the things which made the person cheat, most likely they won't. Most guys cheat cuz of stress, lack of stress it's in our DNA to f other women. Sorry you can't change that. All guys want to do it. However, most guys just watch porn and then let that feeling go.
That's so not true. many men love and are happy with their wives and would never cheat. Many wouldn't cheat no matter what. Also many don't turn to porn either.
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post #57 of 58 (permalink) Old 04-26-2017, 10:55 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Is "Once a cheater, always a Cheater" an accurate quote?

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Originally Posted by Vinnydee View Post
Read this: Once A Cheater, Always A Cheater? Marriage Therapists Weigh In | The Huffington Post

It requires a lot of conditions for cheaters to stop cheating and I think what we see here, are spouses not willing to undergo a lot of counseling or open mindedness. How many wives in the posts here blame their husbands for their cheating? To stop cheating, a lot of things have to fall into place. This website is for those who are not aware of their options or they would not be asking.

I cheated and did not blame my wife, did not love her less, but have always had multiple women in my life. My wife knew my reputation before we married. We ended up having a non monogamous marriage. Not many sex partners, less than 10 in over 44 years of our marriage. Most of our marriage was spent with a girlfriend we knew since our teen years and both treated as family even before it turned sexual. I am one of those guys who is poly and could not survive in a monogamous relationship. Turns out that my wife is bisexual and also needed other women in her life. Once she accepted that she did not have to be the prototypical faithful wife, she allowed her repressed sexuality to come out. We eventually choose to have a fidelitous poly triad for 30 years so we were like a monogamous couple except that there were three of us.

My wife and I agreed that we would have divorced had we decided to be strictly monogamous. As for statistics, I spent a good part of my life working for government agencies gathering statistics. I made them come out in favor of whatever my employer wanted them to be. I do not trust statistics that much. The statistics of me needing a gun for self protection are extremely low and yet I have needed it twice. The statistics of a college drop out ending up making more than most internist, lawyers and airline pilots, is very small and yet I make more then they do. I can go on and on about statistics. To understand them you need to find out how they obtain their information and the size and diversity of the sample. For instance marriage counsellor only track their patients for a year after they end counselling. No one knows if they go on to cheat again beyond a year. People are reluctant to tell the truth when the questions are personal. They tend to say what they wish they were than what they regularly do.

Ever boss I worked for, 5 of them, cheated more than once, male or female. My friends who cheated are on their 3rd and even 4th wives. They never stopped cheating. Every person I knew who cheated, kept on doing it and they were never a part of a survey. There is one truth that is glossed over by marriage counselors; a person's past behavior is a very good indicator of their future behavior. This is why when there is a robbery, the police round up all the robbers in their system. People can change, but most cannot. To stop cheating you have to do A,B,C,D and then you will not cheat again. The problem is that few are willing to do all those things. Read the article above and see all the conditions that have to exist to stop cheating. I had my ex fiancee and an ex girlfriend cheat on me, my only two relationships before my marriage. I was unwilling to live the rest of my life suspicious of them and having my stomach in knots every time they went out for the night without me or spent a few hours at the mall without me. Statistics do no show why they stop cheating nor do they mention how cheaters do keep on cheating but do not get caught again so their spouses think they are no longer cheating. Marriage should not be so hard that both spouses have to work so hard at it. Many stay married for the sake of the children or their spouse looks the other way. Sometimes the spouse gives permission to the cheater to date others. I have dated a few wives like this. In fact my girlfriend of 30 years was married to a doctor who gave her his OK to continue with both me and my wife. As I said, the stats depend on who was surveyed and if they were given lie detector test to verify their answers. Every time I was asked if I cheated, I said no. My wife never told anyone but her lovers that she is bi and would not even say so in a survey.

I minored in psychology and I new a few professional Psychologist in my adulthood. One of my group of close friends did Marriage Counselling and his wife cheated and they divorced. After that he quit saying he did not believe what he was telling others and himself about marriage. If you are going to believe statistics, just do some research and for every stat you get, you can find studies that say the opposite. Most, if not all studies are flawed and there is no way in heck you can get statistics of all those who cheat since most do not seek marriage counselling and are off the radar. People like me and my friends. Hillary was supposed to win the election. All that statistics said so.
Gee Vinny, it sounds like on one hand you are saying that statistics are never accurate, so never say "always a cheater". And on the other hand, you are saying (based on your experience) that everybody you know cheats, including you and your spouse.

The success of marriage comes not in finding the “right” person, but in the ability of both partners to adjust to the real person they inevitably realize they married - John Fischer
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post #58 of 58 (permalink) Old 04-26-2017, 11:15 PM
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Re: Is "Once a cheater, always a Cheater" an accurate quote?

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Originally Posted by Ericlobster View Post
All guys want to do it.
I would rather cut of my arm.
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