Is "Once a cheater, always a Cheater" an accurate quote? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-06-2016, 04:20 PM Thread Starter
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Is "Once a cheater, always a Cheater" an accurate quote?

It seems that TAM is somewhat biased towards believing this quote at face value. I was curious if there is current research to back up this so-called "proven-fact" that is often expunged by Internet tough guys; the same guys who believe that you should dump her at the first sign of infidelity, if you are a "real" man.
I wonder if these guys have real marriages, real children, have real mortgages, and live in the real world of real human nature?

Can trust be rebuilt? Do we underestimate the ability to change? Are some people more likely to cheat again than others? I believe before a cheater can even consider changing their ways, they must work thru the issues that drove them to stray, which may take time thru IC.

I did find some current studies that showed about 70% of those who cheated in the past were now faithful in their current relationship. The study indicated that the 30% (repeat cheaters) shared some common dynamics, to include:
1 Genetic disposition (a certain gene is not present, and almost all shared the same lacking gene with a parent, who also cheated)
2 Reported to have "fallen out of love"
3 High level of self attractiveness
4 High level of sex drive
5 In men, larger sized testicles were more likely to be repeat offenders, perhaps greater T levels

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post #2 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-06-2016, 04:23 PM
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Re: Is "Once a cheater, always a Cheater" an accurate quote?

Here we go again.
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post #3 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-06-2016, 04:30 PM
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Re: Is "Once a cheater, always a Cheater" an accurate quote?

I personally believe that once you do it once its much easier the second time.

The guilt is easier to deal with.

Me ex cheated on her first husband and she always rationalized it as he was cheating on her first. I thought I could change her and I did for a long time. But in the end she cheated on me and my children. It was easier cause she had done it before. She knew all the ways to alleviate her guilt.

If you are a selfish person is it possible to one day not be a selfish person? How is selfish behavior unlearned and replaced? Can it be? I don't think so. I think in order for that to happen a major life epiphany must occur to change the person. Without that defining moment a cheater is capable of doing it again and again.
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post #4 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-06-2016, 04:33 PM
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Re: Is "Once a cheater, always a Cheater" an accurate quote?

In the case of your wife? Hell yes.

In all cases? No.

Dude, when are you going to just admit you're in over your head?

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.


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post #5 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-06-2016, 04:39 PM
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Re: Is "Once a cheater, always a Cheater" an accurate quote?

Number 2, 3, 4, and 5 can all be lumped in to a lack of integrity and morals. Can trust be rebuilt? Yes, but not totally. That trust will never be pure and complete or easy as before it was broken. People do have the ability to change, so "once a cheater, always a cheater" is not absolute. There are former waywards here whom I believe would never cheat again. However, your wife has cheated multiple times and is one of those people who is likely to cheat again. People like her don't hold marriage in high esteem. You should have gotten rid of her years ago but you didn't, so now you'll have to doubt her honesty every now and then. You will always wonder where she is and what she's doing.
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post #6 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-06-2016, 04:48 PM Thread Starter
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I was inquiring about the populous in general, not my situation specifically. But to alleviate any doubt, by definition she would be in the 30% group. It is my problem to deal with, with full knowledge of the challenges.
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post #7 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-06-2016, 05:00 PM
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Re: Is "Once a cheater, always a Cheater" an accurate quote?

"I was curious if there is current research to back up this so-called "proven-fact" that is often expunged by Internet tough guys;"

Is the word you're looking for 'espouse' rather than expunge? When is your divorce hearing? I hope it's soon because these mental gymnastics are taking a toll on you.
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post #8 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-06-2016, 05:04 PM
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Re: Is "Once a cheater, always a Cheater" an accurate quote?

Quote:
Originally Posted by MAJDEATH View Post
It seems that TAM is somewhat biased towards believing this quote at face value. I was curious if there is current research to back up this so-called "proven-fact" that is often expunged by Internet tough guys; the same guys who believe that you should dump her at the first sign of infidelity, if you are a "real" man.
I wonder if these guys have real marriages, real children, have real mortgages, and live in the real world of real human nature?

I have no idea how I come across on here. I figure I am all over the place. Anyway, I do have real children. One may not be biologically mine. I am divorced from their mother. I've paid child support for...May or June? Not sure...1993 - June 2009. I think that's around 16 years. I do not have a mortgage. I could never afford one while paying the support, and do not have a good enough job now. I have no clue what the real world of real human nature is. I guess it means in a world of human weakness where folks make mistakes? I do, but I don't make the same mistakes as others because I am an individual, as you or any one else here or at home.

Can trust be rebuilt?

Sometimes.

Do we underestimate the ability to change?

Sometimes. Each of us has different abilities, just as each of us is unique.

Are some people more likely to cheat again than others?

Yes. See your own research below.

I believe before a cheater can even consider changing their ways, they must work thru the issues that drove them to stray, which may take time thru IC.

There are no guarantees. We try. We win some. We lose some. It is best learned by someone who desperately desires to change. Even then, it may not work. Or, it may. Who knows? You have to want to take that chance with them. That's not to say you'll find someone else who is any better. It's not to say you won't. There is more to it than just an innate or inbred (or some better descriptive word) need for sex from more than one person. It is also not all that easy for those who have been faithful, to stay faithful. Don't be fooled by pride. It takes work and a desire to do what is believed to be right. It also takes a deep belief that faithfulness is right. Not sure if that is taught or what? See your own post below.

I did find some current studies that showed about 70% of those who cheated in the past were now faithful in their current relationship.

I'd say that, too. I'd say I was being truthful and swear to it, when I answered. Some were telling the truth. How do you know which ones? Without really good surveillance from a private detective, you won't know. You can wait, watch, and be vigilant. You can have faith that you will be okay, if it all falls apart again. You can believe in yourself. You can't believe in anyone else, until they prove themselves over time. Even then, you can never be sure. I knew a guy that trusted himself so much, he decided to let out a bit of gas. Well, to his surprise, it wasn't just gas. He had intestinal flu. So, we can't even trust ourselves.

The study indicated that the 30% (repeat cheaters) shared some common dynamics, to include:
1 Genetic disposition (a certain gene is not present, and almost all shared the same lacking gene with a parent, who also cheated)

Kudos to scientists. How many men out there have asked their prospective bride to take a genetic test to see if they are missing this gene sequence? You won't know. Believe me. If you don't trust her enough not to ask, she won't marry you.

2 Reported to have "fallen out of love"

Who'd a thunk it?

3 High level of self attractiveness

You're kidding...self confidence is attractive? hmmm.....

4 High level of sex drive

Gee...I thought these were low drive folks.....I guess I was mistaken again?


5 In men, larger sized testicles were more likely to be repeat offenders, perhaps greater T levels
Probably larger penis' too? Naaah, you jest....I'd never have believed it.

Haven't you tortured yourself enough, yet? When you start loving yourself again, you won't need to ask these silly things. You will know the answers. You are better than this. You just don't know it.

"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson

"And this, too, shall pass away."
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post #9 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-06-2016, 06:16 PM
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Re: Is "Once a cheater, always a Cheater" an accurate quote?

I've read many of your threads. I wont comment on your situation. As you said that is your bed to lie in. Good luck.

As to cheating, no I do not believe "once a cheater, always a cheater" is a truism. I think that most cheating is a symptom of other underlying issues in a marriage. Yes 30% or so do repeat because of character or genetic flaws of some sort, but the majority would have never strayed had there not already been some other issue(s) present in the marriage which undermined commitment and trust within the marriage. I do think it would be extremely difficult to re-establish the trust and commitment after such a betrayal though. At least is would be for me.

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post #10 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-06-2016, 06:21 PM
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Re: Is "Once a cheater, always a Cheater" an accurate quote?

With friends that i know I think it is true, got with a cheater and the cheater cheated on them too. Also seems bunch of TAM folks got cheated on more than once by the same person.




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post #11 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-06-2016, 06:24 PM
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Re: Is "Once a cheater, always a Cheater" an accurate quote?

If the cheater is a sociopath/narcissist, then yes.

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post #12 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-06-2016, 06:35 PM
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Re: Is "Once a cheater, always a Cheater" an accurate quote?

OP,
To be a "serial" cheater it really becomes a matter of cognizance. There is a poster here named losinghim. She had an encounter with a friend of her H that lasted less than 60 seconds. Why? Why only 60 seconds and why only the one time? What prevented her from continuing, from having a months long fling? She did. Her mind began extrapolating from compiled data and the projected outcome was not acceptable to her, in fact it repulsed her. Not only for what she was doing to her H but also what type of person it made her in her own mind.

Her H did not do the 180, in fact he did not even know about it for over 2 years. He finally found out when she told him. Why did she tell him? She had gotten away with it for 2 years, why tell now, what made her? She did. Once again her mind extrapolated from compiled data and projected an outcome that was not bearable to her. What do you suppose would have been the outcome for her if, instead of processing the information as she did, she simply reveled in her own pleasure and ego, giving no thought to the future, her H, her family, nothing but herself? Most likely she would have continued on that night and perhaps on into the future, with that OM or another.

Her mind was able to draw a very negative conclusion to her actions affecting not only herself but her H as well thereby displaying empathy, an emotion absent in underdeveloped intellects.

Now try to imagine that the person is not just ignoring the processed thoughts regarding all the negative outcomes but rather is not capable of having them at all. Her mind simply does not process data in a way that allows her to recognize the harmful effects of her behavior. Now try to further imagine her mind trying to commit to a lifelong partnership.

When some people, certainly not all and perhaps not even most, contemplate marriage their mind extrapolates data from all known sources and projects a probable scenario. They consider monogamy and all that it entails, sharing resources and the accumulation of same, procreating and raising offspring and many other factors that comprise a lifelong union of two people. However, when a person of limited intellect tries to contemplate marriage the data is processed erroneously. Much of the data is simply not included and that which is is not projected accurately but rather in a unrealistic, fantasy like future. Then, when real life happens, they are soon very disillusioned with "marriage" and, since they haven't the intellect to carefully decide how to proceed, they act in the only way available to them, impetuously. And, in the absence of empathy, their actions are self serving and unilateral in nature.

They are simply unprepared for the commitment that is marriage and wholly unable to abide within its "rules" and therefore they "cheat".
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post #13 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-06-2016, 06:56 PM
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Re: Is "Once a cheater, always a Cheater" an accurate quote?

Quote:
Originally Posted by MAJDEATH View Post
It seems that TAM is somewhat biased towards believing this quote at face value. I was curious if there is current research to back up this so-called "proven-fact" that is often expunged by Internet tough guys; the same guys who believe that you should dump her at the first sign of infidelity, if you are a "real" man.
I wonder if these guys have real marriages, real children, have real mortgages, and live in the real world of real human nature?

Can trust be rebuilt? Do we underestimate the ability to change? Are some people more likely to cheat again than others? I believe before a cheater can even consider changing their ways, they must work thru the issues that drove them to stray, which may take time thru IC.

I did find some current studies that showed about 70% of those who cheated in the past were now faithful in their current relationship. The study indicated that the 30% (repeat cheaters) shared some common dynamics, to include:
1 Genetic disposition (a certain gene is not present, and almost all shared the same lacking gene with a parent, who also cheated)
2 Reported to have "fallen out of love"
3 High level of self attractiveness
4 High level of sex drive
5 In men, larger sized testicles were more likely to be repeat offenders, perhaps greater T levels


First...No, I don't believe that...because people grow and change constantly throughout their lives. HOWEVER, I do believe in some circumstances, past behavior is indicative of future behavior.

and on your study....you can use studies to prove anything you want to be true...I mean their sample size could have been 10.

TBH...My testicles are simply enormous and I'm not a cheater

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post #14 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-06-2016, 07:00 PM
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Re: Is "Once a cheater, always a Cheater" an accurate quote?

I think so, unless there is deep shame and a lot of work. Either way it's not worth the risk. It's the wrong question anyway, the right question is, is being with a cheater worth more then being alone, let me help you the answer is NO. If you take them back you are stuck with a person who was immoral at least for a time, and who lied and hurt you in one of the worst possible ways. How much is love worth from someone who could do that to you. Nothing.

Now if you are talking about dating someone who cheated in the past, proceed at your own risk.

By the way what is the point. Open your marriage, you will be happier. And I think open marriages are dumb, but at least in your case it will give you wife something to worry about.

Last edited by sokillme; 12-06-2016 at 07:10 PM.
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post #15 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-06-2016, 07:25 PM
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Re: Is "Once a cheater, always a Cheater" an accurate quote?

There are so many women out there that are dying for a loyal man....
Why do you insist on fantasizing about the possibility that your wife will stop cheating?

Divorce her. That's what she wants. She can chase penises with no flack from you, and not feel so guilty about it.

You, however, can chase women as well and find one that is starving for only you. Why are you depriving yourself of that opportunity?

It takes very little time and effort to see an attorney and start the process.

What you are doing to yourself is excruciating.

You need to start visualizing yourself happy, with a woman who loves you at your side, with no worries about infidelity lurking just out of sight. And then make it happen.

Thus wife of yours does not live you. She loves herself.
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