Apologizing - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 29 (permalink) Old 12-22-2016, 02:19 PM
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Re: Apologizing

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Originally Posted by Blondilocks View Post
There is some nonsense that says 'love means never having to say you're sorry'. WTH! Spouses need to apologize when appropriate and without prompting.
Maybe the clown who wrote that thought that love will over look anything so apologizing is not required. I'm thinking that clown is a single individual.


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post #17 of 29 (permalink) Old 12-22-2016, 02:34 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Apologizing

Or maybe love means never doing anything that requires an apology
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post #18 of 29 (permalink) Old 12-22-2016, 02:45 PM
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Re: Apologizing

If we were perfect, no change would occur... no growth to be had.

Loving is just a pointer... the work is on us to do.
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post #19 of 29 (permalink) Old 12-22-2016, 02:52 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Apologizing

If only everyone had that attitude.
There are people who strive to be better. A better spouse, a kinder, move giving person, a healthier person etc. and then there are people who have the attitude of, this is who I am, I can't change, except me as I am. I work hard, I just want to relax and be comfortable.
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post #20 of 29 (permalink) Old 12-22-2016, 03:00 PM
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Re: Apologizing

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Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
Or maybe love means never doing anything that requires an apology
Could be but the real world is something all together different.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #21 of 29 (permalink) Old 12-22-2016, 03:32 PM
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Re: Apologizing

And you are that person, striving to be a better spouse, a kinder, move giving person, a healthier person... we hear it in your words and they are spoken from your heart. It's always our mind that gets in the way... hence we also strive to be mindful so that our frustrations do not grow into anxieties.

I believe in your efforts... your path promotes collected and shared growth, a very worthy one... theirs is to exist alone in the collection of their growth, shared little. Sharing is a big part of your relationship foundation, and sharing takes effort... how you meet that desire for more you do not seem to readily find will determine your calm in it.

The more aware we are, I believe the fewer apologies are needed to be.
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post #22 of 29 (permalink) Old 12-22-2016, 03:46 PM
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Re: Apologizing

Him apologizing for others is probably his way of expressing his empathy for you.

"Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow."
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post #23 of 29 (permalink) Old 12-22-2016, 03:51 PM
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Re: Apologizing

I agree with the poster who said something about living your apology. Nothing infuriates me more than no apology is a passive aggressive apology. It doesn't hurt to apologize in public, too. A lot of mistakes end up embarrassing the other partner so a little humility never hurt nobody! "You were right," can go a long way as well.
If words suffice (it depends on the person), just make sure the words aren't clipped.
"Sorry," ain't gonna cut it.
A solid, "I'm very sorry about (insert details)."
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post #24 of 29 (permalink) Old 12-27-2016, 04:12 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Apologizing

So I was having Christmas at his parents house with the whole family. I was sitting at this table for hours eating and talking etc. my FIL was to my right, my husband was to my left. Except he got up multiple times to take a nap. I drank 2 big glasses of white wine, while also eating a ton, and drinking lots of water. I wasn't buzzed at all. My husbands cousin was sitting across from me (my friend) and made a joke about how the white wine is half way done, and I should have another glass. And we laughed, and I said I probably will eventually. At the same time as I said that, my strict ultra religious judgmental FIL said very curtly and with mean judgement "no! She is done drinking!". And my husbands cousin and I looked at each they like geez relax. And I stayed calm and just said to her, I probably will have another glass later. (I can't stand when people tell me what to do, I am an adult, and it's Christmas for gods sake). My husband missed this. Driving home I was telling him about it bc it bothered me. And my husband said... really? When did this happen? I answered. Then he said that's weird bc he was offering us wine all night (which is a lie). Then he said he was probably joking and that I mis understood him. (His FIL doesn't joke, he's super serious and he doesn't drink at all).

Anyway, this started a huge fight between us because I tried to explain to him that when I'm upset about something and I try to talk to him about it he ends up making me feel worse and not supporting me or comforting me. He was basically telling me he didn't believe me and that Its my fault bc I mis understood my FIL. It makes me mad bc he wasn't there and Right away doesn't believe me and defends them.
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post #25 of 29 (permalink) Old 12-27-2016, 04:44 PM
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Cool Re: Apologizing

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Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
I would agree. But pride...

Ohhhhhhhh pride.....
Now there's a sheer crapload of that here in Texas!

Glad that I haven't often swilled from that vat of Kool-Aid!



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post #26 of 29 (permalink) Old 12-27-2016, 05:02 PM
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Re: Apologizing

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Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
My husbands cousin was sitting across from me (my friend) and made a joke about how the white wine is half way done, and I should have another glass. And we laughed, and I said I probably will eventually. At the same time as I said that, my strict ultra religious judgmental FIL said very curtly and with mean judgement "no! She is done drinking!". And my husbands cousin and I looked at each they like geez relax. And I stayed calm and just said to her, I probably will have another glass later. (I can't stand when people tell me what to do, I am an adult, and it's Christmas for gods sake).
Katie

What did your fil do/say when you ignored his comment and told the cousin you'd have another glass of wine later?

I totally understand where you're coming from. My husband used to take 'the other side' so often that it caused me to stop sharing. Imagine his surprise when he couldn't answer simple questions about me to the therapist he (later we) was seeing. He's gotten better but I still don't trust him 100% to share readily.

All of this to say, your husband has to recognize his behavior and choose to fix it himself. In the meantime you're going to have to fight your own battles. This means standing up for yourself to his parents. If you pi $$ them off.. oh well, too bad, so sad.



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post #27 of 29 (permalink) Old 12-27-2016, 05:18 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Apologizing

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Katie

What did your fil do/say when you ignored his comment and told the cousin you'd have another glass of wine later?

I totally understand where you're coming from. My husband used to take 'the other side' so often that it caused me to stop sharing. Imagine his surprise when he couldn't answer simple questions about me to the therapist he (later we) was seeing. He's gotten better but I still don't trust him 100% to share readily.

All of this to say, your husband has to recognize his behavior and choose to fix it himself. In the meantime you're going to have to fight your own battles. This means standing up for yourself to his parents. If you pi $$ them off.. oh well, too bad, so sad.



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After my FIL said that I said again... I will have another glass of wine later, (bc that's when I wanted it). I did stand up for myself. That's the way my FIL is and I always say something. I'm not mad at him. They are annoying for sure, and I like to vent to my husband. My problem is the lack of connection I have with my husband. He doesn't get it.
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post #28 of 29 (permalink) Old 12-27-2016, 05:20 PM
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Re: Apologizing

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Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
After my FIL said that I said again... I will have another glass of wine later, (bc that's when I wanted it). I did stand up for myself. That's the way my FIL is and I always say something. I'm not mad at him. They are annoying for sure, and I like to vent to my husband. My problem is the lack of connection I have with my husband. He doesn't get it.
Good for you for standing up to your FIL.

I do hope your husband figures it out before it's too late and you start disconnecting emotionally from him.

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post #29 of 29 (permalink) Old 12-27-2016, 05:30 PM
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Re: Apologizing

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Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
So I was having Christmas at his parents house with the whole family. I was sitting at this table for hours eating and talking etc. my FIL was to my right, my husband was to my left. Except he got up multiple times to take a nap. I drank 2 big glasses of white wine, while also eating a ton, and drinking lots of water. I wasn't buzzed at all. My husbands cousin was sitting across from me (my friend) and made a joke about how the white wine is half way done, and I should have another glass. And we laughed, and I said I probably will eventually. At the same time as I said that, my strict ultra religious judgmental FIL said very curtly and with mean judgement "no! She is done drinking!". And my husbands cousin and I looked at each they like geez relax. And I stayed calm and just said to her, I probably will have another glass later. (I can't stand when people tell me what to do, I am an adult, and it's Christmas for gods sake). My husband missed this. Driving home I was telling him about it bc it bothered me. And my husband said... really? When did this happen? I answered. Then he said that's weird bc he was offering us wine all night (which is a lie). Then he said he was probably joking and that I mis understood him. (His FIL doesn't joke, he's super serious and he doesn't drink at all).

Anyway, this started a huge fight between us because I tried to explain to him that when I'm upset about something and I try to talk to him about it he ends up making me feel worse and not supporting me or comforting me. He was basically telling me he didn't believe me and that Its my fault bc I mis understood my FIL. It makes me mad bc he wasn't there and Right away doesn't believe me and defends them.
It's a bit like "I'm sorry but it's your fault".
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