The Long Haul - Talk About Marriage
Long Term Success in Marriage If you've been married 10+ years and consider your marriage a success, post your success story here. Help others by talking about what works for you.

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post #1 of 20 (permalink) Old 12-22-2016, 08:50 AM Thread Starter
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The Long Haul

As my marriage breaks down and i reflect on the years past I'm finding myself pondering a successful Long Term Relationship/marriage not fraught with drama, fighting, and all the hard work we read about here. This message bored and all the pain that lives within is a stark reminder that marriage and LTR's take alot of work.

When I look at my parents relationship over the years (from youth to now), married many years now, I dont remember seeing a loving couple. I do remember seeing a team. I remember fighting, coldness etc but they always seemed to work as a team. They figured it out but it couldn't have been easy from what I recall.

Im wondering if there is such a thing where 2 people just get along? The relationship is just natural. The hard work takes place naturally without it being considered hardwork. Anyone have a relationship that just works? What is it like?

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post #2 of 20 (permalink) Old 12-22-2016, 08:57 AM
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Re: The Long Haul

Yes, absolutely! If your marriage feels like "a lot of work," you probably are not married to the right person.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #3 of 20 (permalink) Old 12-22-2016, 09:00 AM
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Re: The Long Haul

I think there are certainly some out there like that, but it's the exception rather than the norm.

"Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow."
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post #4 of 20 (permalink) Old 12-22-2016, 09:13 AM
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Re: The Long Haul

I believe the answer lies in your attitude. We have been together for over 40 years, married for 38. For the first ten years, I did not work at the marriage. I took it as a given thing. Then, through a vast amount of stupidity, I cheated. I was tossed into the street, lost everything. We did things to cut each other to the quick. She did the one thing I did not expect and had a revenge affair. We trashed our marriage. Period.

I had a moment of clarity. I realized that I was throwing away the best thing that ever happened to me. We took a long time to reconcile. We dated and courted all over again. We came to realize that marriage is a living thing. It needs kindness and empathy to survive. It does not need harsh words and judgement.

Using that formula, and putting oneself into a mindset that this, your partner, is the most important person in your life, your best friend and your sounding board. That making love with this person is the most important act of your time with them. That you reserve yourself for only one person. I don't say that you live for your husband/wife. I say that you always consider that you are two, rather than one.
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post #5 of 20 (permalink) Old 12-22-2016, 09:29 AM
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Re: The Long Haul

My first marriage was as you described. Difficult, constant work, for little or no result. The first five years were wonderful before the mental and emotional illnesses set in.

I spent the final years of that marriage separated and figuring out what I needed in a marriage mate for it to be as my parents was. A "team" is a perfect description you picked. It was far from perfection, and they struggled and had to work through plenty....but...they were a great team, and they were very in love. They took a lot of time to nurture their marriage. Lots of weekends away, romantic vacations, date nights. Lots of respect of each other, and great communication. I remember people giving them a hard time for not taking me on some of these trips. Those people are all long since divorced, and my parents were truly happily married their whole lives/relationship.

So in my second marriage mate I really looked for someone who I could be an amazing team with, and be in love with. I found him. Although we have our moments, like ALL couples do, we have a wonderful marriage and it would be described as "easy" by most people.

For those thinking of throwing their hat back in the marriage ring....don't settle. Know what you want and then find it.

Ciao,

Spicy
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post #6 of 20 (permalink) Old 12-22-2016, 10:02 AM
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Re: The Long Haul

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Originally Posted by tropicalbeachiwish View Post
I think there are certainly some out there like that, but it's the exception rather than the norm.
Wow!

That is a pessimistic take.

What is it now? Forty to fifty percent of 1st time marriages end up in divorce. The stats are higher for subsequent marriages.

I would put the happy marriages at about 30 percent. No data to back me up.

Divorce used to be taboo.

Now, while painful, they are usually the right answer in this short life we live. Why waste your limited time with the wrong person. We have 6 billion other folks to choose from!

Me? I have been married 46 years. I have the scars to prove it. I do not throw away anything.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #7 of 20 (permalink) Old 12-22-2016, 10:33 AM
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Re: The Long Haul

If we spent more time listening and vetting (learning to know the real person) instead of reacting in early love then our percentages of successful marriages may improve.

Then, as the vetting process should have done it's job, spend the next many years continuing to listen and learning, contributing to the strength of one's relationship... not drawing it down.

I base that on personal experience only... the school of hard knocks aside, more the like the kindergarten of getting the **** beat out of me needing to learn this.

Forever working on it...
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post #8 of 20 (permalink) Old 12-22-2016, 10:48 AM
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Re: The Long Haul

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If we spent more time listening and vetting (learning to know the real person) instead of reacting in early love then our percentages of successful marriages may improve.
Very true. My wife and I worked together for about 6 years before getting together romantically. We were a really good team, enjoyed being with one another and generally just had a blast. We still work well together, even on the marriage, and that "work" usually is in reaction to forces outside of the marriage. And we still have a blast a laugh a lot.

I was talking to a single friend recently about online dating. They said in real life one interacts with other swithout assessing if they are a possible mate, you just get to know people first. They said OLD is the exact opposite, one assesses mating potential before getting to know the other person.



Sigh, my wife gives me the speaking treatment.
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post #9 of 20 (permalink) Old 12-22-2016, 10:54 AM
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Re: The Long Haul

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Me? I have been married 46 years. I have the scars to prove it. I do not throw away anything.
I am forever thankful my wife decided this very trust with us...
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post #10 of 20 (permalink) Old 12-22-2016, 11:09 AM
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Re: The Long Haul

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Originally Posted by SunCMars View Post
Wow!

That is a pessimistic take.

What is it now? Forty to fifty percent of 1st time marriages end up in divorce. The stats are higher for subsequent marriages.

I would put the happy marriages at about 30 percent. No data to back me up.

Divorce used to be taboo.

Now, while painful, they are usually the right answer in this short life we live. Why waste your limited time with the wrong person. We have 6 billion other folks to choose from!

Me? I have been married 46 years. I have the scars to prove it. I do not throw away anything.
It's realistic. You said you have scars from it. That tells me that it hasn't been easy. The OP was asking if there are any marriages out there that just come naturally without any hard work. There are plenty of successful marriages out there, but I just don't believe that they come naturally without hard work.


"Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow."
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post #11 of 20 (permalink) Old 12-22-2016, 11:14 AM
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Re: The Long Haul

My GF of 5 years and I get along great. We never fight, we rarely disagree and when we do it never comes to the point of raised voices or name calling, more like one of us is in a bad mood or whatever.

I've had relationships with a lot of fighting and arguing.

I don't think that making a relationship work, and not having conflict takes a lot of work- at least not as an ongoing day to day thing.

It takes work to meet the right person, and work on yourself and any anger issues and other negative personality traits. But if you get yourself to a good place, and meet someone who is relatively stable, who you have a lot in common with, who doesn't resort to fighting when things don't go your way, you've got it mostly figured out.

Took me more than half a century to get there, but it can be done.

If I can offer one tip: Don't stay in bad relationships.

If I can offer a second tip: It's not always the other person's fault. If it seems that way, a lot..especially with more than one person.. then you might need some serious introspection.
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post #12 of 20 (permalink) Old 12-22-2016, 11:21 AM Thread Starter
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Re: The Long Haul

Thanks for all the insights into your marriages.

I dont think i have personally witnessed a marriage, where I may be a close enough friend to know the real relationship, that was effortless.

The hopeless romantic in me likes to think that this actually exists. Like spicy's description.

The realistic side of me kind of agrees with tropical in that they are rare.

I guess most fall somewhere in between.
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post #13 of 20 (permalink) Old 12-22-2016, 11:25 AM Thread Starter
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Re: The Long Haul

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My GF of 5 years and I get along great. We never fight, we rarely disagree and when we do it never comes to the point of raised voices or name calling, more like one of us is in a bad mood or whatever.

I've had relationships with a lot of fighting and arguing.

I don't think that making a relationship work, and not having conflict takes a lot of work- at least not as an ongoing day to day thing.

It takes work to meet the right person, and work on yourself and any anger issues and other negative personality traits. But if you get yourself to a good place, and meet someone who is relatively stable, who you have a lot in common with, who doesn't resort to fighting when things don't go your way, you've got it mostly figured out.

Took me more than half a century to get there, but it can be done.

If I can offer one tip: Don't stay in bad relationships.

If I can offer a second tip: It's not always the other person's fault. If it seems that way, a lot..especially with more than one person.. then you might need some serious introspection.
Thanks browser - This is a good point i think you bring up. The effort comes from finding the right person, and knowing when its the wrong person ie: dont settle.

on your second tip - This IS actually an introspection I need to consider but for the opposite reason. I tend to always take the blame, be the one to apologize just to keep the peace. I recognize this which is a good thing. It does go both ways with the opposite having your backbone so to speak.
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post #14 of 20 (permalink) Old 12-22-2016, 01:13 PM
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Re: The Long Haul

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Originally Posted by tropicalbeachiwish View Post
It's realistic. You said you have scars from it. That tells me that it hasn't been easy. The OP was asking if there are any marriages out there that just come naturally without any hard work. There are plenty of successful marriages out there, but I just don't believe that they come naturally without hard work.
^^^ I don't think that marriages are naturally flowing from the get go. It takes time and many years to become the flowing couple who really do know each other. In my mind, to get there it requires complete openness.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #15 of 20 (permalink) Old 12-22-2016, 01:15 PM
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Re: The Long Haul

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TThis IS actually an introspection I need to consider but for the opposite reason. I tend to always take the blame, be the one to apologize just to keep the peace. I recognize this which is a good thing. It does go both ways with the opposite having your backbone so to speak.
Pick your battles wisely as they say.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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