I am so confused... Please list what you to keep up interest in your partner alive and keep asking for more, however so slight. I would like a long numbered list if you have the time. I am tired of failing and being told by wife I am a failure. I need a good list of things to do? I m divorcing, but I really need a lesson from married people or not.
Hi, We've gotten real lazy due to work, stress, money, step kids, parallel lives, contempt, afraid to initiate love, sex, or compromise a position in need or where we need to go to be a successful couple
Contempt stood out to me immediately.. if you've never read this write up... these are what to be sure to guard a marriage from: Also it sounds you have been rejected a lot -if you came to be afraid to initiate... The Four Horsemen: Recognizing Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling
- the act of passing judgment as to the merits of another / faultfinding. "Criticism is “really a way of fueling the attack, so you state your complaint as an attack on the other person.” ... “It’s not constructive, it winds up leading to an escalation of the conflict" ......No Criticism Please! * Contempt
... When we communicate in this state, we are truly meaning - treating others with disrespect, mocking them with sarcasm, ridicule, name-calling, mimicking, and/or body language such as eye-rolling.
The target of contempt is made to feel despised and worthless.....The Danger of Contempt * Defensiveness
- conveys the message, “The problem is not me. It’s you.
” From this position you imply that, because your partner threw the first stone, they are responsible for the entire conflict. You avoid taking responsibility for your own behavior by pointing to something they did prior to their complaint about you. You do not acknowledge that which is true in what they are saying about your behavior. Defensiveness: The Poison Pill to Relationships * Stonewalling
also known as "the Silent treatment". .. stonewalling is the absolute refusal to consider your partner’s perspective. If you listen at all, you do it dismissively or contemptuously.This is the passive-aggressive stance many people take during a fight. It's the "Nothing's wrong, I'm fine!" said even when there is clearly something wrong.
Other common songs of the stonewaller are:“Just leave me alone…”...“Do whatever you want"....“End of conversation"..."that's enough".... Stonewalling: How to recognize and fix ......... How to Ruin a Perfectly Good Relationship - Stonewall
... plus ad diabetes, and depression, and low libido and sex is boring with no desire to change it although we talked about it. No change, Not every gone on vacation, gave memorable gifts or done activities that build fond memories.
You've never taken a vacation, or done activities that build fond memories?? How long were you together, WHAT brought you together? .. it sounds you lived separate lives and had very little in common, beings you didn't gravitate towards each other, both seeking that time - to feel bonded / emotionally connected.
What do you do to show you love each other that keeps love alive and keeps both taking initiative to make love at least once a week, (not wanna do it and just do the mechamics, create memories to build upon.
Assuming you will be out there dating soon...be careful to evaluate how compatible
you are, on a # of levels.. these come back to bite when a couple just can't
see eye to eye in areas of great importance.... these are 2 very good write ups : >> Love is Not Enough
..and Love That Lasts- 11 Questions to Ask Before Marriage
How do we show each other.. we genuinely enjoy being around each other, I feel wanted.. he feels wanted.. even if we snap at each other on occasion, we know it's not because we hate each other, but more of a bad day or stressed over something.. we are quick to say "sorry" and show our appreciation.. recognizing there is much to be thankful for..
I've always been BIG on making memories...ready with my SLR taking family photos, Anniversary memories, planning little vacations for just the 2 of us...I enjoy reading reviews at TripAdvisor.com
to help plan our next adventure..
The making love.. I think it's important to save our sexual energy for our partners... I married a man high in "physical touch" (love language wise).. but so am I !.. so it's a Joy to be with someone who wants to be close, touching us.. we do gravitate to each other.. Honesty.. I don't think I could be with someone who didn't want that or crave it....but that's a compatibly thing again.
We enjoy doing simple things like watching movies together, riding bikes, taking walks, going out to eat.. we banter.. make fun of each other.. we are very OPEN, what I call a "willing transparency" there ... both of us feel strongly about, it has built a strong foundation of trust.
Do you give gifts regularly, who buys whom lingerie, do you like to wear it to seduce and know it doesn't stay on long. How do men and women seduce each other to set up the mood? Is it done regularly. What type of sex, what do you show regularly that makes your partner amacable for making love, work on the honey do repair list, care about putting time in the relationship.
You mentioned you (or she) had diabetes ...so Low drive was a significant part of the breakdown ?
Gifts.. not something that matters to either of us, like for an Anniversary.. I'd rather go out for the day.. spend time.. no need to open a present..... we have a # of kids.. we buy for them.. but each other.. Ehh.. not really.. I've told him I'd rather go shopping with him & we just pick out what we want any time of the year.... there are so many ways to GIVE... his giving of his time.. enjoying my company, running his fingers through my hair while we watch movies together snuggled up close.. those are the things I love.. and he loves to give..
I kinda wish he would have bought me some lingerie in the past.. but it's always been me who buys it.. then surprise him ....
It's important to maintain a smooth running of the home, where one isn't feeling they are carrying the other's weight.. (this alone can cause deep resentment)...if you both work, your wife is going to want more help around the house.. it's very satisfying when both the husband & wife recognizes and shows appreciation , some validation for what the other brings. I think this is a great write up to explain that... >> Validating your Spouse
I look upon my husband as my #1 fan, he uplifts me.. if I am down.. he wants me to feel better.. If he had a bad way.. I try to do all I can to soothe him.. we're in this together.. kinda like..
Does you name on the title or mortgage make you more invested in the marital home and duties for each oher' life, or is it better to live separately only an come sleep over on the weekends only and be single?
Would your ideal ever to be with another who you didn't enjoy spending time with you ? I've always been one who wanted that special someone to hold at night, wake up to in the morning... if a couple just wants to see each other on the weekends... why marry at all? If there is no missing, no craving.. is there any passion ?? .... Just date.. as a couple gets more intimate, surely they want to share more.. this is the natural progression... but again.. be careful with that compatibility.. it has to be so much more than good sex!....
When we dated, we shared everything, we loved being together, anticipated marriage... it was never a question whose name was on what.. it was a given.. the "two became one"... in deed.. in bonding.. in ownership.. all of the above...