Defining long term success - Talk About Marriage
Long Term Success in Marriage If you've been married 10+ years and consider your marriage a success, post your success story here. Help others by talking about what works for you.

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post #1 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 04:46 AM Thread Starter
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Defining long term success

Wonder how you folks would define "Long term success in marriage."

I am married almost 25 years, it might be long but I would not deem it successful, but if we are still together 5 years from now at 30 years maybe I will consider it successful, who knows?

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post #2 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 04:58 AM
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Re: Defining long term success

I'm hoping this thread will receive interesting and varied responses!

Our 22 years, my initial thought is around growth... growing together and facing life together. That encompasses daily life; the micro decisions we each make for the benefit of our relationship as well as one another and perhaps too, wanting one another to be the best we can and want to be. Gosh it sounds cheesy. There's a whole lot of nuances gathered in these thoughts and yet, I can only muster words resembling a Hallmark sentiment.

Why might you consider 5 years from now successful compared to where you're at now?

Music belongs in a place with hearts beating and brains dreaming and people falling in love. - J.Buckley
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post #3 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 05:00 AM
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Re: Defining long term success

Stable and generally happy. No big issues with kids. No financial (or other) drama.

Basically, two people who are good, solid lifetime companions for each other. Contributing more to society than they are taking from it.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #4 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 05:06 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Defining long term success

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Originally Posted by heartsbeating View Post
I'm hoping this thread will receive interesting and varied responses!

Our 22 years, my initial thought is around growth... growing together and facing life together. That encompasses daily life; the micro decisions we each make for the benefit of our relationship as well as one another and perhaps too, wanting one another to be the best we can and want to be. Gosh it sounds cheesy. There's a whole lot of nuances gathered in these thoughts and yet, I can only muster words resembling a Hallmark sentiment.

Why might you consider 5 years from now successful compared to where you're at now?
Because it means we have overcome all the terrible times, his drinking, cheating, my depression, the mental and emotional turmoil. ATM we are in an ok place, but I am not in a position to 100% commit, (I think he has though, he is still sober, one year last week! something to celebrate). We get on well, have gone on a recent trip which was great. So much of the foundation of the marriage has been cracked though I understand when people say they have to build the marriage from scratch, perhaps that is what we are doing, but I am cautious, very cautious.
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post #5 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 05:27 AM
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Re: Defining long term success

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Because it means we have overcome all the terrible times, his drinking, cheating, my depression, the mental and emotional turmoil. ATM we are in an ok place, but I am not in a position to 100% commit, (I think he has though, he is still sober, one year last week! something to celebrate). We get on well, have gone on a recent trip which was great. So much of the foundation of the marriage has been cracked though I understand when people say they have to build the marriage from scratch, perhaps that is what we are doing, but I am cautious, very cautious.
I think your trust in him would have to be restored for this to ever be called a successful marriage, aine.

I hope he will be able to do that.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #6 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 05:43 AM
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Re: Defining long term success

When your wife farts in front of you and has no regrets
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post #7 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 06:13 AM
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Re: Defining long term success

Just over a year for Odo and I... But 2nd marriage for both of us. We have a long way to go. I always thought of long term as 40 or 50+ years!

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #8 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 06:52 AM
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Re: Defining long term success

Will be married for 15 years this summer, and been together nearly 20 years. I would say the ability to maintain your individuality but also consistently work as a team (i.e. raising a family, finances, etc...). Always caring about your spouses's needs.
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post #9 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 07:16 AM
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Re: Defining long term success

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Just over a year for Odo and I... But 2nd marriage for both of us. We have a long way to go. I always thought of long term as 40 or 50+ years!
Odo is a lucky man. 'It's a marathon, not a track meet..'

It's a funny thing, time... a relative concept.. my mind is peering into the rabbit hole.

Satya, as a woman whose posts I've always respected, what do you feel is successful for your marriage?

Music belongs in a place with hearts beating and brains dreaming and people falling in love. - J.Buckley
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post #10 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 07:36 AM
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Re: Defining long term success

25 years later this year, all without infidelity or attempted homicide, that's a good start. We still do and always have liked being around each other, have sex, have deep respect for one another, have fun and laugh, will clean up the other's puke when needed (her turn, I got food poisoning the other day) or more in general step up when the other can't (have each other's backs). We like to say we are great cell mates (not a typo).




Sigh, my wife gives me the speaking treatment.
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post #11 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 07:53 AM
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Re: Defining long term success

Quote:
Originally Posted by aine View Post
Because it means we have overcome all the terrible times, his drinking, cheating, my depression, the mental and emotional turmoil. ATM we are in an ok place, but I am not in a position to 100% commit, (I think he has though, he is still sober, one year last week! something to celebrate). We get on well, have gone on a recent trip which was great. So much of the foundation of the marriage has been cracked though I understand when people say they have to build the marriage from scratch, perhaps that is what we are doing, but I am cautious, very cautious.
The other shoe drops.
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post #12 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 08:14 AM
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Re: Defining long term success

50 years. 50 years and I still feel like a boy when I am near her. I'm always near her. We have raised our family. They are good men and have solid lives, good wives and wonderful children. Our boys remain close friends and turn to each other for advice. They visit often. We vacation together as a family every once in the while. I am proud of the family that my wife and I created. I am proud of her and consider her the most beautiful woman I've ever met. True she was model beautiful as a 25 year old but that was only the outside. She is even more beautiful on the inside. Every one knows it. Everyone envies me for what I have everyday. I try never to take that for granted. She appreciates everything I do or say and I often don't know why. We spend more time together than any couple that I know. We always have. We worked together and we play together. We are totally dependent on each other for everything and we would never let the other down.

No drama, no jealousy, no lies. I would marry her again if I could. Her father knew. When I asked him for her hand and his blessing he said...

You can do worse. Turns out I could do no better than her. Everyday I see her smile and thank my good instincts. I feel in love with her the moment I saw her. I married her 6 months after that. I am a happy man.

It's all luck.
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post #13 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 09:20 AM
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Re: Defining long term success

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Satya, as a woman whose posts I've always respected, what do you feel is successful for your marriage?
Right back at you, @heartsbeating! Thank you for saying so.

I suppose if I had to mention things in order of importance, it would be:

Communication - can't stress this enough. It's HOW you communicate with each other. Is it respectful? Do you pause before you speak your side? Do you listen as often as you speak? I'm a big talker, so listening is something I have to stay conscious of. Do tempers flare easily? Learn to stop the conversation when it's clear you are not on the same page. It avoids lot of anger.

Care - mainly, just show it. Ask how the day went, make a cup of tea for your spouse when it's cold outside, fill the car/truck with gas when it's empty. Whatever little things you can do that don't expend a great deal of time or energy... They all add up. Odo will make a point to bring me a salad from our favorite Greek place if he's passing by, when he knows I'm home working, because I often forget to eat when I'm busy. When I leave for business for a few days I leave notes hidden for him to find. It's when we cease to do the little things that we should start to be concerned. Life usually interferes with our ability to remember those little things are important to maintain.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #14 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 09:46 AM
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Re: Defining long term success

There are - or can be - various measures of success. Time - IMO - is not necessarily one of them.

In the past, marriage was primarily about property and progeny - in other words, inheritance and ensuring family wealth and continuity. So, if a marriage produced heirs, increased/maintained assets/influence, it was considered a success. Happiness and love between the spouses wasn't necessarily a concern, but a pleasant bonus.

In recent time, marriage is more about love in addition to the traditional goals of property and progeny. If you have a number of good years together, reach mutual goals, and experience some personal growth, then it's a success even if it ends soon or stressfully.

My first marriage was a long term success (we achieved our goals and produced successful offspring), even though it wasn't happy of fulfilling interpersonally. My second marriage is a greater success (goals; we were/are both past having children), and is also happy and fulfilling in every way.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
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post #15 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 02:27 PM
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Re: Defining long term success

My Mom and Dad were married over forty years when they died.My brother and his wife are married over thirty and counting.My mom worked all her life,she was a PhD and lectured at Harvard and my Dad was a property speculator.My sil was a sahm and even now just does a few hours volunteering each week.I honestly have never heard my brother and sil fight and I lived with them for a few months.My mom and Dad had some humdingers though lol.Both couples had one thing in common,they did everything together and hated to be apart for even one night.
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