Re: "Idealism" in Marriage... always bad?
I just do not place anyone on a pedestal. What works is some idealized version but the ability to detach and analyze. As a teen, I let all the hormones do the talking. I had two sisters pursue me and I picked the hotter one even though the other was more compatible, more sane. The hotter one was a recovering cocaine addict since 15 and let people have sex with her for drugs. All I could see was her beauty and not the inner scars and the lack of common interest. I placed her on a pedestal in the beginning and let her hurt me more than I should have. She kept pushing and then pulling me like a leashed pet depending on her whims. Sure, she cared about me, but not enough to treat me well. Luckily she was he one that let me go eventually when she moved at 18 because I could of have not.
Thinking about it, I was in love with her attractiveness, that high knowing she was the one that pursued me and gave me that initial ego boost, and sex. It was a superficial relationship without any real connection. We did not talk, we did not know each other well since we both had our guards up.
With my current partner, with communication being the number one priority, she can read me sometimes and knows my flaws. Recently my mother passed away and I was detaching unknowingly and she knows me on a deep, emotional level to know I was not handling it well and call me out on my behavior. She showed up, not leaving me alone and she grieved with me. It makes me love her even more, and yet, we will not place each other on a pedestal. If I kept neglecting her, I could of lost that because with enough pain, it would be healthy to give up and in healthy state of mind, I would want her to give up on me if it is ever detrimental towards her. She supported me, and stood by me, but I had to make the choice to help myself and accept that support. Otherwise, her actions would have been fruitless.
Some level of idealism but not lose the reality of what is real. Perception is always faulty and looking at the whole picture, of past behavior is an indication of future outcomes. Seeing whether we can learn from that or not. Unfortunately, I did not learn until my early twenties. Got hooked again by a hot cheerleader that was abused by her parents, sexually assaulted, abused by her ex-bf. Attraction only gets the foot in the door and getting to actually know the person and the constant work it takes to maintain that level of connection. It is easy in the beginning due to that initial honeymoon phase.
I am such a tree hugger because it gives me wood!