...Most People Dream about Having a Soulmate...
But Few Turn the Dream into a Reality
The idea of a soulmate has both conscious or unconscious elements. Even if we do not intellectually believe in soulmates, we are still affected.
We all hold some unconscious list of notions describing an "ideal" relationship partner. Often we recite parts of this list as what we want in a partner.
But reality inevitably fails to match our ideals. And we judge and react to real people according to our ideals.
As a result, many relationships that have potential are blocked, if not lost. And dissatisfaction, unhappiness and upsets are unconsciously generated.
Is the very notion of "soulmate" (conscious or unconscious) just a self-limiting fantasy — an idealization which only keeps us from ever feeling truly satisfied with a real-life human partner?
What I will tell you about soulmates is a paradox that goes beyond fantasies, myths, empty hopes or hype. It may get you to realize something vital about relationships, no matter what you believe about soulmates.
It's easy to feel like you are soulmates in the midst of a passionate and seemingly endless honeymoon.
When you feel like soulmates at the end of a decade, something else is involved. It is not a fantasy, but a realization based on a real-world track record, already well tested by time.
I figure this — that you don't just meet a "soulmate" and live happily ever after, like the myth that we all would prefer to believe says. Instead, I have observed that real world soulmates become that — by growing together in certain ways and working through challenges successfully — as contrasted with how many other couples get stuck in less fulfilling, impoverished relationships.
Putting this together, the following formula occurred to me:
Love at first sight = Potential Soulmates
Love that overcomes challenges = Real-World Soulmates
I define real-world soulmates as two partners who engage in overcoming challenges that test their relationship.
This is not something you can forecast in advance, when you initially fall in love. So, in a real sense, whether you feel like "soulmates" or not at the start of a relationship does not tell you how you will end up a decade later.
Real-world soulmates are tempered by time, like metal by fire. Time reveals that they persistently chose to learn and grow when confronted by challenges. ... Meeting Your Soulmate vs. Becoming Soulmates
With today's high rate of relationship dissatisfaction — and divorce — it's time for major change. Regardless of intellectual beliefs, most of us unconsciously hold onto a fantasy-based soulmate myth.
The danger with this soulmate ideal — whether we subscribe consciously, or unconsciosly — is that in times of challenge, we usually find our real-world partner comes up short of our internal idealized, hoped-for mate. And then we, ourselves, start to think and act in ways that hurt our real-world relationship. ...The Honeymoon - Falling in Love is like a Spiritual Experience
The feeling of "being soulmates" is all about the incredible openness and receptivity, the expansion so far beyond our norm and comfort zone, the heightened clear access to energy and passion.
This is our internal state. We assume it comes from outside of us — from the other person we are with. In a word, we call them our "soulmate". But what we are really talking about is our own internal state of expansion
Some say the honeymoon is like a spiritual experience. But reality says the honeymoon does not last forever. So it's important to refine our thinking about soulmates, true love, and what is essential for a lasting relationship. ... Love is Not Enough ... Finding a "Soulmate" is Not Enough ... Deepening Love Beyond the Honeymoon - Lasting Soulmates are Not Passive
There is that next phase to love, the one beyond the honeymoon. If we want a great relationship to deepen and last, we need to realize that "happily ever after" includes feelings other than happiness.
There will be challenges.
We are the ones who must realize it is our own openness that is the key to keeping a relationship great and growing — and then learn to re-open ourselves — even when there are challenges. Especially when there are challenges!
The myth of "soulmates" is about a relationship that is blue sky forever. Always sunny, and that sunshine pours down on us, brightens us up, lifts us.
In a real-world relationship, challenges come. The sky occasionally clouds. We are asked to stay present with what is — not run and hide, waiting for the rainy day to pass. We are challenged to put aside limiting beliefs and embrace the rain, realizing that even rain has a positive purpose.
Relationship is our greatest teacher. It tells us what we need to learn next in life for our personal growth. In love we are called on to do work — to become more skillful in relating, move beyond our past wounds and limits, and grow as human beings. This personal growth will include learning new tools and strategies in how we communicate, behave, and process emotions. ... Soulmates Engage in Personal Growth -Love Brings Up Our Lesson Plan
Couples who are becoming soulmates are willing to learn how to open themselves, even when the going gets rough. They commit to learn to bring out their best, instead of passively giving way to their habitual reactions. They refuse to simply close down into fear, withdrawal, self-defensiveness, resentment, blame, criticism, or the many other common ways we destroy our own relationships.
As a Japanese proverb suggests: "The Obstacle is the Path."
You are called on to instigate positive transformation. Each partner needs to come forward in times of challenge and expand to the occasion, rather than closing down. ... Did We Learn to Do the Work of Relationship? ... How Do You Know if You Are True "Soulmates"?
You cannot know it by the honeymoon phase alone. To know you are real-world soulmates, you need to see how you both show up to work with real-world upsets, sensitivities, differences and challenges.
Some couples start with all the magic feelings about being soulmates — and then it fizzles. Continuing to want a passive solution to love, they conclude their partner was not the "right" person after all. They then look for the next honeymoon high, hitch the next passive ride — until it crashes. **
Other couples do not even think the word soulmate, nor do they believe in magic. But they commit to personal growth and face each lesson that love brings up. After awhile, doing the work of relationship over the years, they can see the solid trust and intimacy they have built, and there is little doubt in their hearts — they are soulmates, in the sense that they are now experiencing a solidity in their love which has never occurred previously in their lives.
It is in the willingness to open, and re-open again — as often as needed — and embrace the obstacle directly in front of you — that you finally get to a more continual and expanded state, a reliable fullness of love, and the deep core sense of being soulmates.
You know you are with a "soulmate" if you are both doing your soulwork together. Soulwork is that courageous self-opening, expanding and growing as a chosen response to challenges that close down most people.
The requirement is being willing to take a challenge to heart and respond to it by learning new tools, strategies or understandings to overcome it.
Doing that enables you to succeed in building a partnership so unparalleled that the best way you have to describe that in words is that you are "soulmates".