"Idealism" in Marriage... always bad? - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
Long Term Success in Marriage If you've been married 10+ years and consider your marriage a success, post your success story here. Help others by talking about what works for you.

User Tag List

 102Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #46 of 75 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 07:12 PM
Member
 
brooklynAnn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: New York
Posts: 1,369
Sorry Dug and jdl....can't edit on my phone..

brooklynAnn is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #47 of 75 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 09:03 PM
Member
 
meson's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Where I pitch a tent
Posts: 1,366
Re: "Idealism" in Marriage... always bad?

Quote:
Originally Posted by SimplyAmorous View Post

So I start telling him.....he's always had me on a Pedestal and that I'm nothing special .. that he's been duped.. that it's only because he has "Idealized me" that he's been so wonderful through the years, always forgiving.... like it's all in his head, all a facade ....I am a "screw up" like everyone else... Ok...I've said this before.. my mouth can Over run in a heated moment.. Here I am slaughtering myself before him...probably feeling guilty for starting a fight .... Do I sound crazy yet ?

He suddenly got very quiet... then his face turned cold like...the wheels were turning.. he looks at me & asks with the most serious of faces...."Have I done this, has it all been a LIE.. was it all just in my head ?"..... he was processing these thoughts I unloaded on him.... the seriousness continued....his countenance almost numb... he made a few comments reasoning this out.. that if I am "nothing special", if I am just like every other woman, what is there... it was like it changed EVERYTHING , his perception of me was now TAINTED...he questioned himself / us...

I asked him if he still loved me...his answer was "I don't know"... he said he didn't know anything anymore... In all our years (35 so far)..I have never experienced this feeling , he was scaring me, like I opened a Pandora's box I could not shut again .... I start to feel sick to my stomach ...a rush of sadness / dread washes over me...feelings of > "Oh my God , what have I done!!... did I just destroy US... his love for me!??"... this went on for about 45 minutes.... it was SOBERING ...I cried like I couldn't stop... he didn't hold me at 1st - I never experienced THAT before either .. he always reached for me, wanted to comfort me, no matter what the argument, he was there for me...this was different...

This is exactly why I don't like the concept of a soul mate. There are too many things that can call it into question. What happened with SAs Husband can happen to anyone. Fortunately your marriage is a good one and upon reflection he came to his senses.

I went through a similar thing once as I have mentioned before. It's very tempting to say its fated for me to be with someone else etc. the bottom line is that marriage is the result of effort. You and your husband supply that effort and are rewarded with a good marriage.

I don't want to not live because of my fear of what could happen. - Laird Hamilton

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
meson is offline  
post #48 of 75 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 09:23 PM
Member
 
meson's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Where I pitch a tent
Posts: 1,366
Re: "Idealism" in Marriage... always bad?

Quote:
Originally Posted by SimplyAmorous View Post
I hope this is not how I come off.. I have always prided myself on being a Realist.... my husband tells me I THINK too much...I lost my religion on a quest for the authentic.. I've always been a questioner... because I do value what is real...

When it comes to love, being loved.. sharing love....We feel it when we are, don't we... actions speak...our connection speaks this authenticity of emotion.

I understand fully there is a FOG in the beginning of relationships... that we often over look things seeing what we want to see, there is an iffy window of 18 months a couple should be very careful....

We could all sit here & probably fire off a small list of things we'd tweak about our spouses... couldn't we... Do you think I wouldn't have a list ? Sure I would !.. but still....what's on it, these things are so minor in nature...still our lives are so much brighter to have this person in it..

I really don't feel another could replace my husband, how many guys like to watch chick flicks with their wives & don't like sports?.. he's a rarity for sure... For me, so much is wrapped up in the memories a couple has too - I am someone who ENJOYS looking back .. some nostalgia, there is a sentimental longing , affection for the past we've shared also...

There are some people.. I've heard they have no use for that... it's all about "live for today.. never look back"... I would not be able to relate to this..

I think SAs Husband is correct, you do overthink stuff. Your article was thought provoking but as you know from our previous exchanges that I don't buy into the soul mate or idealism mode. To me you come off as a romantic that love an ideal. But I also see you and your husband work at things and don't 100% fall into the idealism category.

I am also not saying there is someone who could replace your husband. I am saying that there are many you could have ended up with that you would enjoy and have a fulfilling life with. Your husband is unique but in general there is probably a lot of overlap with others that would work for you. I'm not saying you chose wrong or he is not the one for you at all. From my perspective you are perfect for each other and compliment each other.

For example, I watch chick flicks and dont watch sports. So that feature you mentioned I share though there are others that I don't share with SAs Husband. He is not as unique in that way as you may think.

Mrs. meson is special to me but I have learned there are many traits that drew me to her that I have found in others. There are a couple of what would have happened moments with people in the past. It turns out that Mrs. meson and I share similar choices that each could have worked. I wouldn't trade it now for anything though I do know I could have been happy as well as she could have been with another choice. My experience is different than yours and it shows the possibilities that might have been. I've also seen too many threads where people with the soul mate attitude experience infatuation and boom their marriage explodes because they are no longer sure that they are with the right person.

I don't want to not live because of my fear of what could happen. - Laird Hamilton

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
meson is offline  
 
post #49 of 75 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 01:33 AM
Member
 
Mr Blunt's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 2,532
Re: "Idealism" in Marriage... always bad?

"Idealism" in Marriage... always bad?
No…. in fact some idealism can be very good according to the statements below

Quote:
Similar to “reciprocal overlooking” idealization in this sense is also reciprocal, by establishing willingness to support each other to be their best selves, rather than criticize, point fingers, or keep score, and continuing to remind them they aren’t your ideal




"Idealism" in Marriage... always bad?
No, but can be detrimental to a marriage in a situation as described below:

Quote:
The problem with the soul mate view is that it goes hand in hand with the romanticized idea that if you marry Mr. Right or Miss Right your life will be nothing but wonderful all of the time. Such people tend to think that the role of their spouse and the reason for their marriage is to "make" them happy and fulfilled. However, idealistic views of relationships and marriage are dangerous for many reasons



Quote:
BY SA
Thoughts... do you have some of this going on in your Marriage? Have you found it unhealthy, more hurtful?? Please share....
The ones listed above are not going on in my marriage. However, when you have been betrayed then you are forced to give up some of your idealisms. Reprinted below is part of a post that I made on another section of TAM

Quote:
You are forced to give up some of the idealism that you may have had about marriage. Some of these ideals are:

That you can always trust your spouse to never stab you in the back.

That your spouse will always have your best interest at heart.

That your spouse has very strong integrity and strong beliefs that they will hold on to no matter what.


Correct Idealism is a great goal to strive towards and those that can live up to the idealism make for a very huge bond in relationships; very positive!
Mr Blunt is offline  
post #50 of 75 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 01:36 AM
Member
 
Mr Blunt's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 2,532
Re: "Idealism" in Marriage... always bad?

Quote:
BY SA
A few weeks back...I was reading a few articles how UNHEALTHY it is to Idealize a spouse…….
So I start telling him.....he's always had me on a Pedestal and that I'm nothing special .. that he's been duped.. that it's only because he has "Idealized me" that he's been so wonderful through the years, always forgiving.... like it's all in his head, all a facade ....I am a "screw up" like everyone else
Good Grief SA, what were the SPECIFICS of what you read that was UNHEALTHY?
Were he authors of those articles sociopaths?...SA, you have to stop taking those mind altering drugs (JOKE people!) because I know you to be a very intelligent woman along with you being a wonderful romantic


The opposite of idealized is NOT

Quote:
he's always had me on a Pedestal and that I'm nothing special .. that he's been duped.. that it's only because he has "Idealized me" that he's been so wonderful through the years, always forgiving.... like it's all in his head, all a facade ....I am a "screw up" like everyone else”
If that is what the articles were saying then the authors are warped!

One very good point in favor of idealism was mentioned in your first post and stated
Quote:
” idealization in this sense is also reciprocal, by establishing willingness to support each other to be their best selves, rather than criticize, point fingers, or keep score, and continuing to remind them they aren’t your ideal

Idealism has a role to play in relationships but it must be balanced with discernment, some realities, and a willingness to support each other IMO

SA, my old buddy! Congratulations on so many years of a very good marriage; your relationship with your husband is very inspirational!
Mr Blunt is offline  
post #51 of 75 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 07:51 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
SimplyAmorous's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: USA
Posts: 13,942
Re: "Idealism" in Marriage... always bad?

Quote:
Originally Posted by jld View Post
My husband says we are soulmates. He says we are meant to be together.
Quote:
Originally Posted by notmyrealname4 View Post
If (God forbid), one of you got hit by a bus; would you ever remarry?

If you would, then you and Dug are not soulmates; because the soulmate thing is usually predicated on there being only one person in the world that could be such a perfect match for you in every way.
Here is the disconnect from my perspective ..I can read BOTH of your posts and appreciate the SPIRIT of @jld 's and Dug's ....Heck he is not even known to be romantic! ... but also not argue with the interpretation of @notmyrealname4 's and @meson 's ....

Quote:
See, the danger of the soulmate myth, is that if you start having difficulties, or fighting more than usual, etc. etc., there can be this tendency to say, "well, this person must not be my soulmate, ...so I guess we need to break-up/see other people/divorce".

When all that is happening is that your human, fallible relationship is having some difficulties; and you're gonna have to work through them. You are *not* going to be simpatico with someone else on every issue in life.
THiS was my argument too....the link again HERE post #13 ...that the belief there is only 1 SPECIAL person destined to us in this life... this is WRONG, we may FEEL THIS WAY (this is where I can appreciate the spirit of it) ... but it doesn't make the definition correct...

As if this were the case, like @notmyrealname4 's example above...no one could ever find authentic lasting love again.. What if a young woman's husband tragically dies , a freak accident on their Honeymoon...or a young husband at War...of course these woman can go on to find another satisfying relationship, we move on, life goes on...she may find even greater happiness depending on how close they were /what she felt with her 1st love...

I would, too, very much desire to find love again, a man I was compatible with, IF my husband was taken from me....though in my very realistic perspective ..I do not believe I would find one that was as Devoted to me, or that we had as much in common ticking those boxes that satisfy my soul.. it's hard enough for find this once in a lifetime ...I know many who have never found it -they don't even LIKE their spouses, always complaining, happy if they go away... Love is difficult.. I am not such a dreamer to feel otherwise.. I can be a real pessimist even... so is my husband.

I tend to look on the down side till I have been shown otherwise....(ACTIONS, evidence, things lining up with the test of time).... our Optimist son & myself have bonked heads a # of times in the past....as I felt he was too trusting & foolish in regards to his GF, that nothing could take her away, he felt they were destined...only to see it all come to ashes...there I was with the warnings, the naysayer ... I laid them out before him.. he was NOT happy with me...I was a voice of doom...but I was right....his good buddy was after his GF... it all came to pass, she married him this past weekend..

This comes into play with me as well...again being realistic...Look I am particular!@# ...If the man likes bars, he's out, thinks nothing of casual sex, he's out, if he's a workaholic, too private, shuns transparency, soon as I got a whiff of that.. that'd be the end...catch him in a lie, he's gone...If he wasn't a good listener/ communicator, tried to shut me out, silent treatment holder, mental illness of any sort, didn't include me on big decisions... I'd not be happy...I could pitch a long list of deal breakers for a man...the chances of finding one that would be happy to even put up with me -being this particular.. ha ha ha..
I'd eventually have to settle and get over myself, unless I wanted to remain alone....got my age against me too....This is realism... not a Romantic dreamer perspective by any means..

Quote:
Of course, in a casual sense, "soulmate" has come to mean; "we get along really, really well". That just means you are highly compatible--the soulmate stuff is meaningless or irrelevant.
does it really matter if a couple of many yrs finds the word "endearing".. again.. appreciates the spirit of it ??

Seriously...Should I correct my husband, should @jld correct hers, ask them to never use the word again ? I know what kind of response I would get , he would be offended... I did ask him, after reading Meson's post the other night.. he wouldn't appreciate that.. There are 2 very endearing memories that stand out in my mind where my husband referred to me as his soulmate.. I would never want to erase those...they were full of affection & heart, I very much appreciated that he felt that way.. I would even go so far as to say BECAUSE he felt this way.. is what spurs the emotions on..

Again.. for me.. it's the spirit of the word.. not a black & white definition of "there is 1 destined person in this life for each one of us.. if we miss them...we'll never find true happiness"...obviously this is not true.... and just wrong... I felt my best GIRLfriend growing up, she was like a "kindred spirit".. like a sister...even in this instance.. I could have used the term Soulmate -in the realm of friendship only.. we did everything together.. great memories...
SimplyAmorous is offline  
post #52 of 75 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 08:04 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
SimplyAmorous's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: USA
Posts: 13,942
Re: "Idealism" in Marriage... always bad?

Yrs ago I used these 2 examples in a Soul mate discussion...posting it here again -as I am trying to due justice to the Spirit of the word in the best way I can.. no other article has captured it as well as the one below...

There was a old thread here where this man was feeling he met his "soulmate" and it was only 2.5 weeks !! > Think i met my soul mate!! Obviously that is fogged Infatuation screaming and utterly ridiculous...I strongly wanted to set him straight ...

In my search that day to help him see reality....I found this article, written by John Gray, the author of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus ....

...Soulmates: Myth or Reality? ...

Some parts of the article.. I am skipping ...the article is LONG.. but wanted to highlight some things....

Quote:
...Most People Dream about Having a Soulmate...
But Few Turn the Dream into a Reality


The idea of a soulmate has both conscious or unconscious elements. Even if we do not intellectually believe in soulmates, we are still affected.

We all hold some unconscious list of notions describing an "ideal" relationship partner. Often we recite parts of this list as what we want in a partner.

But reality inevitably fails to match our ideals. And we judge and react to real people according to our ideals.

As a result, many relationships that have potential are blocked, if not lost. And dissatisfaction, unhappiness and upsets are unconsciously generated.

Is the very notion of "soulmate" (conscious or unconscious) just a self-limiting fantasy — an idealization which only keeps us from ever feeling truly satisfied with a real-life human partner?

What I will tell you about soulmates is a paradox that goes beyond fantasies, myths, empty hopes or hype. It may get you to realize something vital about relationships, no matter what you believe about soulmates.

It's easy to feel like you are soulmates in the midst of a passionate and seemingly endless honeymoon.

When you feel like soulmates at the end of a decade, something else is involved. It is not a fantasy, but a realization based on a real-world track record, already well tested by time.

I figure this — that you don't just meet a "soulmate" and live happily ever after, like the myth that we all would prefer to believe says. Instead, I have observed that real world soulmates become that — by growing together in certain ways and working through challenges successfully — as contrasted with how many other couples get stuck in less fulfilling, impoverished relationships.

Putting this together, the following formula occurred to me:

Quote:
Love at first sight = Potential Soulmates

Love that overcomes challenges = Real-World Soulmates
I define real-world soulmates as two partners who engage in overcoming challenges that test their relationship.

This is not something you can forecast in advance, when you initially fall in love. So, in a real sense, whether you feel like "soulmates" or not at the start of a relationship does not tell you how you will end up a decade later.

Real-world soulmates are tempered by time, like metal by fire. Time reveals that they persistently chose to learn and grow when confronted by challenges.

... Meeting Your Soulmate vs. Becoming Soulmates

With today's high rate of relationship dissatisfaction — and divorce — it's time for major change. Regardless of intellectual beliefs, most of us unconsciously hold onto a fantasy-based soulmate myth.

The danger with this soulmate ideal — whether we subscribe consciously, or unconsciosly — is that in times of challenge, we usually find our real-world partner comes up short of our internal idealized, hoped-for mate. And then we, ourselves, start to think and act in ways that hurt our real-world relationship.

...The Honeymoon - Falling in Love is like a Spiritual Experience

The feeling of "being soulmates" is all about the incredible openness and receptivity, the expansion so far beyond our norm and comfort zone, the heightened clear access to energy and passion.

This is our internal state. We assume it comes from outside of us — from the other person we are with. In a word, we call them our "soulmate". But what we are really talking about is our own internal state of expansion

Some say the honeymoon is like a spiritual experience. But reality says the honeymoon does not last forever. So it's important to refine our thinking about soulmates, true love, and what is essential for a lasting relationship.

... Love is Not Enough

... Finding a "Soulmate" is Not Enough

... Deepening Love Beyond the Honeymoon - Lasting Soulmates are Not Passive

There is that next phase to love, the one beyond the honeymoon. If we want a great relationship to deepen and last, we need to realize that "happily ever after" includes feelings other than happiness.

There will be challenges.

We are the ones who must realize it is our own openness that is the key to keeping a relationship great and growing — and then learn to re-open ourselves — even when there are challenges. Especially when there are challenges!

The myth of "soulmates" is about a relationship that is blue sky forever. Always sunny, and that sunshine pours down on us, brightens us up, lifts us.

In a real-world relationship, challenges come. The sky occasionally clouds. We are asked to stay present with what is — not run and hide, waiting for the rainy day to pass. We are challenged to put aside limiting beliefs and embrace the rain, realizing that even rain has a positive purpose.

Relationship is our greatest teacher. It tells us what we need to learn next in life for our personal growth. In love we are called on to do work — to become more skillful in relating, move beyond our past wounds and limits, and grow as human beings. This personal growth will include learning new tools and strategies in how we communicate, behave, and process emotions.

... Soulmates Engage in Personal Growth -Love Brings Up Our Lesson Plan

Couples who are becoming soulmates are willing to learn how to open themselves, even when the going gets rough. They commit to learn to bring out their best, instead of passively giving way to their habitual reactions. They refuse to simply close down into fear, withdrawal, self-defensiveness, resentment, blame, criticism, or the many other common ways we destroy our own relationships.

As a Japanese proverb suggests: "The Obstacle is the Path."

You are called on to instigate positive transformation. Each partner needs to come forward in times of challenge and expand to the occasion, rather than closing down.

... Did We Learn to Do the Work of Relationship?

... How Do You Know if You Are True "Soulmates"? (the closing)

You cannot know it by the honeymoon phase alone. To know you are real-world soulmates, you need to see how you both show up to work with real-world upsets, sensitivities, differences and challenges.

Some couples start with all the magic feelings about being soulmates — and then it fizzles. Continuing to want a passive solution to love, they conclude their partner was not the "right" person after all. They then look for the next honeymoon high, hitch the next passive ride — until it crashes.

** Other couples do not even think the word soulmate, nor do they believe in magic. But they commit to personal growth and face each lesson that love brings up. After awhile, doing the work of relationship over the years, they can see the solid trust and intimacy they have built, and there is little doubt in their hearts — they are soulmates, in the sense that they are now experiencing a solidity in their love which has never occurred previously in their lives.

It is in the willingness to open, and re-open again — as often as needed — and embrace the obstacle directly in front of you — that you finally get to a more continual and expanded state, a reliable fullness of love, and the deep core sense of being soulmates.

You know you are with a "soulmate" if you are both doing your soulwork together. Soulwork is that courageous self-opening, expanding and growing as a chosen response to challenges that close down most people.

The requirement is being willing to take a challenge to heart and respond to it by learning new tools, strategies or understandings to overcome it.

Doing that enables you to succeed in building a partnership so unparalleled that the best way you have to describe that in words is that you are "soulmates".
SimplyAmorous is offline  
post #53 of 75 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 08:15 AM
jld
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 20,471
Re: "Idealism" in Marriage... always bad?

It would never have occurred to me that anyone would be offended by the term "soulmate." To me it is a great honor that my husband holds me in such esteem. I certainly do not feel worthy.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
jld is offline  
post #54 of 75 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 08:29 AM
Member
 
Married but Happy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Florida
Posts: 4,572
Re: "Idealism" in Marriage... always bad?

From SA's post:
Quote:
When you feel like soulmates at the end of a decade, something else is involved. It is not a fantasy, but a realization based on a real-world track record, already well tested by time.
Interesting article, and I think it has some great insight. Let me say that what some call soulmate, we call deep compatibility, and we still feel this way after 17 years.

Love at first sight = Potential Soulmates - we experienced this deep attraction (I'd say it was too soon to realistically call it love) on the second or third date. But, at that stage it only indicates that you see strong potential - it does not make it real. Only time can do that.

Love that overcomes challenges = Real-World Soulmates - again, this is a reflection of deep compatibility tested by time and troubles overcome together.

Mrs. MbH found an article yesterday about long term happy and successful relationships. There was one word that cropped up repeatedly for those couples when they described their relationship: EASY. They had a natural compatibility that facilitated communication, mutual respect, and an innate belief that they were there for each other whatever the need, and would actually do what was needed. Sure, they encountered problems, but their deep compatibility made it easier to resolve them, whether they were external or internal to the relationship.

So, when dating or deciding on marriage, ask yourself: is this relationship easy to sustain? If not, it may not be a good choice.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
Married but Happy is online now  
post #55 of 75 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 09:44 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
SimplyAmorous's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: USA
Posts: 13,942
Re: "Idealism" in Marriage... always bad?

Quote:
Originally Posted by notmyrealname4 View Post
Everyone here is selfish. And that's a good thing. Who else can see to your needs better than you?

I'm glad that there were people "selfish" enough to pursue their dreams of being musicians, or actors, doctors or civil engineers. They were "selfish" enough to follow their star; and we all profit from their "selfishness".

Selfishness is not the same as cruelty, ruthlessness or arrogance. It means living for yourself first; then others follow. A very loving parent might stand in front of a train for their kid, but that's about it. Most of us want to make sure that number one is okay.
and this right here is why it's imperative to be matched with someone compatible with the things that deeply satisfy us... too much of this attitude in marriage will destroy it.. I'm in line with this article..

7 Signs of Selfishness in Marriage -the ending sums it up very well.. "Selfishness is all about getting. Selflessness is all about giving. Are you giving to and serving your spouse?"



To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
....
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
SimplyAmorous is offline  
post #56 of 75 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 10:09 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
SimplyAmorous's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: USA
Posts: 13,942
Re: "Idealism" in Marriage... always bad?

Quote:
Originally Posted by notmyrealname4 View Post
@SimplyAmorous

I'm guessing that there are occasions when you let your husband have both of the candy bars----or an equivalent. Maybe you let him sleep late on his days off while you get up and start taking care of things domestically.

Things aren't always equal. You might go a longer stretch doing more of the taking.

As long as you are also able to give freely when you are able, and your spouse needs that sacrifice from you.
He'd not care about another chocolate bar really (doesn't have the sweet tooth I do)...and yeah...I'd be like an angry bear if the kids were making too much noise & dad needed some extra sleep...of course I take care of him too, so he gets what he needs..

There are 2 things I find just too tempting to have around.. when I want it.. I REALLY WANT it... some good chocolate (I raid my kids Halloween stashes) and ... He knows this.... he can think of worse things to deal with...

I've handed him a large stack of Hershey's for upcoming Bonfires many times, and boxes of Ho Ho's I bought on sale.. telling him to take these to work, put them in his locker so I wouldn't eat them all.

SimplyAmorous is offline  
post #57 of 75 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 10:24 AM
Member
 
ConanHub's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Abroad. Currently Arizona.
Posts: 7,581
Re: "Idealism" in Marriage... always bad?

Quote:
Originally Posted by SimplyAmorous View Post
I am going to share an experience...very fitting for this thread...

Before I go here..1st let me say... We are a couple who have always Felt strongly that we share something very special and beautiful, feeling blessed to have met each other.. even to the point of Fate.. for instance.. I prayed specifically for a man LIKE HIM.. it's like God sent him to me...he ticked nearly every box...... For him, he's always said it was "Love at 1st sight" , sex was not even on his mind.. he just wanted to "get to know me".... I told him that's not normal.. but I also hold these things very dear... so we're a couple who's always felt this "idealism" , how it's helpful, holds the romance...

Then ONE NIGHT.... (learn from me.. better to not go certain places with our mouths...there was utterly no point to this at all)...but I guess it's good for this thread !

A few weeks back...I was reading a few articles how UNHEALTHY it is to Idealize a spouse (I want to hear both sides -even if I may feel differently, it challenges my thinking)...yet it can make one question too... Something set me off...I got upset wanting him to come on to me (something stupid)..I was just in an ornery mood... It was THAT time of month... (no excuse I know) ... this was a lousy time to unload what I've been reading...

So I start telling him.....he's always had me on a Pedestal and that I'm nothing special .. that he's been duped.. that it's only because he has "Idealized me" that he's been so wonderful through the years, always forgiving.... like it's all in his head, all a facade ....I am a "screw up" like everyone else... Ok...I've said this before.. my mouth can Over run in a heated moment.. Here I am slaughtering myself before him...probably feeling guilty for starting a fight .... Do I sound crazy yet ?

He suddenly got very quiet... then his face turned cold like...the wheels were turning.. he looks at me & asks with the most serious of faces...."Have I done this, has it all been a LIE.. was it all just in my head ?"..... he was processing these thoughts I unloaded on him.... the seriousness continued....his countenance almost numb... he made a few comments reasoning this out.. that if I am "nothing special", if I am just like every other woman, what is there... it was like it changed EVERYTHING , his perception of me was now TAINTED...he questioned himself / us...

I asked him if he still loved me...his answer was "I don't know"... he said he didn't know anything anymore... In all our years (35 so far)..I have never experienced this feeling , he was scaring me, like I opened a Pandora's box I could not shut again .... I start to feel sick to my stomach ...a rush of sadness / dread washes over me...feelings of > "Oh my God , what have I done!!... did I just destroy US... his love for me!??"... this went on for about 45 minutes.... it was SOBERING ...I cried like I couldn't stop... he didn't hold me at 1st - I never experienced THAT before either .. he always reached for me, wanted to comfort me, no matter what the argument, he was there for me...this was different...

What could I do now.. but throw myself on him, for being so foolish as to go here, say these things to hurt each other...also to present the other side... what it's always BEEN... reminding him how Special he is to me, that no man could take his place, I gave him a cup on Valentines day "Mr Right"... he's always been my "Mr Right"....sure he pisses me off at times, but still...both of us have viewed it all as such Minor offenses, small bumps in the road of a long joyous journey together... we've bared each other easily.. due to looking upon those positives, laughing at our Quirks , making fun of our flaws along the way...

I reasoned how "love is Blind" many times....he's put up with me happily all these years.. it has to be!... it's a testament to us even.....how this is NOT damaging, happiness resides there .. though obviously ripping away his perception of what we've had, causing him to question...rending it to "nothing special"... it devastated him... it's like the lights went out, a dark void...he said " a feeling of emptiness"...

He eventually reached for me, told me he loved me, we both agreed we'll happily remain "blind"...this has held our happiness all through the years.. just a matter of minutes and we washed it all away... on to make up sex ! and never looked back... but yeah.. this really opened my eyes...
Thank you for sharing this.

He should have spanked your bratty ass, thrown you over his shoulder and ravaged you until you couldn't walk right! LOL!

Glad you worked it out! You are a brat now and then, aren't you!?
ConanHub is offline  
post #58 of 75 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 12:03 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
SimplyAmorous's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: USA
Posts: 13,942
Re: "Idealism" in Marriage... always bad?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Duguesclin View Post
I do not have any data to back up what I am going to say. It is just my opinion.

I believe in destiny. I believe we are on the earth to make a difference. Neither my wife nor I are statistical randomness.

I really felt at ease when I met JLD. I felt that we must have been together in past lives.

If JLD were to die before me, would I remarry or live with another woman?

I understand talk is cheap, but I seriously doubt it. She and I have worked very hard to build what we have. I do not know how I could share the fruits of that work with anyone else.
Love this post..again.. it's the spirit of the emotion in it.. . isn't this ultimately what we all want to find in life and have another feel for us ?? Who said you weren't Romantic... this is very touching.

What you say here, I've heard a handful of others speak...My dad & Step mother are one of those couples, they just complement each other, always together / wanted the same things ... Never forget a moment shared .....we were in the waiting room of a hospital talking about many things.....she looked me in the eyes with such emotion telling me my Father is the love of her life...if something even happened to him, she could never love another man like that..that would be it for her, if something happened to him..

We know a man my Husband graduated with, very close marriage- 1st loves since their teens, a # of kids, one of those family guys... his wife died of cancer less than a year ago...Devastating, you never plan for such a thing.. he still writes to her every week, an update on Fb...what is happening in their lives, telling her to feel "free to visit him in his dreams".... it's almost painful to read these...he can't let go... we heard he is going through an awful depression.. I would guess he was one who'd surely feel like this.. given how close they were... Maybe I am all wrong.. but it just seems it would help if he'd be open to meeting someone new....creating some new memories, something to look forward to, and less looking back. Just so heartbreaking.

Probably hard to predict just how any of us would handle that situation and what could help us get through.
SimplyAmorous is offline  
post #59 of 75 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 12:13 PM
Member
 
ConanHub's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Abroad. Currently Arizona.
Posts: 7,581
Re: "Idealism" in Marriage... always bad?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ConanHub View Post
Thank you for sharing this.

He should have spanked your bratty ass, thrown you over his shoulder and ravaged you until you couldn't walk right! LOL!

Glad you worked it out! You are a brat now and then, aren't you!?
This was mostly tongue in cheek. No offense meant and I hope none received.
ConanHub is offline  
post #60 of 75 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 12:15 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
SimplyAmorous's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: USA
Posts: 13,942
Re: "Idealism" in Marriage... always bad?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ConanHub View Post
Thank you for sharing this.

He should have spanked your bratty ass, thrown you over his shoulder and ravaged you until you couldn't walk right! LOL!

Glad you worked it out! You are a brat now and then, aren't you!?
Yeah not trying to sugar coat it... and here what you said he should have done...laughing with you, cause yeah.. that would have been Great! .... That's just not who he is ....we've talked about him DOING THIS when I get in a mood, I've done more than DARE HIM, I've told him to do it...to SPANK MY ASS !.. just doesn't happen...he can't do it ! .. THIS is one of the things that I would surely TWEAK , raise the bar...

But still.. this is small, even if I get in a mood and make it BIG on occasion (maybe 3-4 fights a year).... I have to remind myself.. "The man loves SEX, shut up woman, he's just not an aggressor"...I'm not going to change him.

Once I set my "spice jar" on fire in front of him... our fights are passionate anyway! We do laugh about that one...OBVIOUSLY I've had some difficulty accepting the fact he can't do certain things...there is my selfishness at play .. I want what I want ! ... Even he agreed I had a right to be pissed ...he was humble about it....as he never once took the initiative to do one of those..the Jar was sitting there for a freaking year at that point! I lambasted his ass that day...

Bottom line: he puts up with me.. I put up with him..but still we'd add "Happily"...it goes both ways.. we're not living in fairy land...making it sound like we never have a bad day or a fight...

On this issue.. also I have reasoned ....if all of THESE THINGS came naturally to him (as it does for many men it seems)....he'd likely be FAR less sentimentally wired (romantic), wouldn't be watching chick flicks with me...basically I'd be harping on something else I felt was lacking... maybe even more so.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
....
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
SimplyAmorous is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Why do I feel bad about ending my marriage still? Almost-Done Life After Divorce 29 02-22-2017 04:14 PM
Tips for Keeping the Passion Alive in Your Marriage VS Glen Home Page Feature News 1 04-17-2016 04:28 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome