I just do not place anyone on a pedestal. What works is some idealized version but the ability to detach and analyze. As a teen, I let all the hormones do the talking. I had two sisters pursue me and I picked the hotter one even though the other was more compatible, more sane. The hotter one was a recovering cocaine addict since 15 and let people have sex with her for drugs. All I could see was her beauty and not the inner scars and the lack of common interest. I placed her on a pedestal in the beginning and let her hurt me more than I should have. She kept pushing and then pulling me like a leashed pet depending on her whims. Sure, she cared about me, but not enough to treat me well. Luckily she was he one that let me go eventually when she moved at 18 because I could of have not.
Thinking about it, I was in love with her attractiveness, that high knowing she was the one that pursued me and gave me that initial ego boost, and sex. It was a superficial relationship without any real connection. We did not talk, we did not know each other well since we both had our guards up.
With my current partner, with communication being the number one priority, she can read me sometimes and knows my flaws. Recently my mother passed away and I was detaching unknowingly and she knows me on a deep, emotional level to know I was not handling it well and call me out on my behavior. She showed up, not leaving me alone and she grieved with me. It makes me love her even more, and yet, we will not place each other on a pedestal. If I kept neglecting her, I could of lost that because with enough pain, it would be healthy to give up and in healthy state of mind, I would want her to give up on me if it is ever detrimental towards her. She supported me, and stood by me, but I had to make the choice to help myself and accept that support. Otherwise, her actions would have been fruitless.
Some level of idealism but not lose the reality of what is real. Perception is always faulty and looking at the whole picture, of past behavior is an indication of future outcomes. Seeing whether we can learn from that or not. Unfortunately, I did not learn until my early twenties. Got hooked again by a hot cheerleader that was abused by her parents, sexually assaulted, abused by her ex-bf. Attraction only gets the foot in the door and getting to actually know the person and the constant work it takes to maintain that level of connection. It is easy in the beginning due to that initial honeymoon phase.
Thank you for sharing your experiences .....I think a lot of men have this ailment when they are young due to their insatiable sex drives.. the focus becomes pleasing the guy downstairs, an ongoing rush of those feel good hormones with a hot body... this played enough of a role in your "coming of age" situation to blind you to the big picture. I'd say the same happened with my Father, my Mom wasn't into drugs, no addictions .. but he was blinded by sex - and they had very little compatibility...it all came out after they married.
You said you didn't really talk, both had your guards up... how does one place a woman on a pedestal without knowing them emotionally...add to the fact she treated you badly and was really messed up! How is there any admirable affection towards this? This is baffling to me....just too many negatives....I guess that's why Experts say a teen brain (I assume you were very young) isn't fully developed till we reach our mid 20's...
Just another example... how Physical attraction & sex can blind people into something that has little substance.. Sounds you had options, her sister wanted you too..
As much as I may come off as someone who could get caught out in idealism to blind me.. looking back.. I was terribly level headed ... I never wavered in what would be ultimately be GOOD for me, healthy for my life... .. I had enough examples around me, from choice my mother made after the divorce with user men (all about sex, nothing more, no emotion, no care), watching a couple close friends fall pregnant to losers, never there for the baby, gone in the dust..... I met my husband very young.. but at the same time...I was cautiously open to other boys as my dear Grandma, my greatest mentor, always told me to Not marry the 1st one, but "play the field" a little (that didn't mean sex in her day)...
My husband was a little worried in our early yrs as he knew there were others who wanted me, I would still talk to them (a couple were always at my best friends house -couldn't get away from that) ... then there was one I met at a school function, he wanted to call me.. he was drop dead gorgeous, HE was very tempting!... I did allow him to call me a few times.. this is where I had to make a choice..
I remember reasoning ... "I can't let go of what we have, just cause this guy is HOT"...and many times I said this ..."no one would treat me as wonderful as my boyfriend does"....I was rational.. I believe I made the best choice for my future... I didn't know all that much about this other guy... but I'd bet he tried calling lots of girls.. He was just too good looking... I chose my best friend over him... we always had the emotional, we talked & shared EVERYTHING..... some would say this goes against passion or something.. but I feel it feeds into compatibility , where there is an assurance of it -when a couple can share every part of themselves like that.. even that I met this guy & talked to him on the phone.... I never lied to my husband about anything.. or kept things from him.. this also built our trust early on.
I ended up giving the hot guy my girlfriends # ...then the 4 of us went to the Prom together !.. Funny how that worked out.. . looking back.. I weighed everything, all the pros & cons.. this comes back to all that "thinking" I do... I also prayed along the way....it's surely kept me from some heartache or falling into things I may have regretted after the fact..