As with any "ism".....there are various views ...as well as experiences to share...WHY we feel as we do... when we read responses here, such as this one -post #83
We are probably both just in a fog about each other. Objectively we are nothing special. But to each other, we are very special.
.... it's a perfect example of some "Idealism" at play within a marriage... one can "feel it" in the expression....how a partner speaks about the other... some may feel it's unhealthy even but it's also passionate & inspiring many times...at the very least there is some Grey in this concept...One can find articles on both sides:
The Danger of Idealism in Marriage
If you base your views about relationships on cheesy romance novels or Hollywood chick-flicks you are not only in for a rude awakening, but you may also be putting your marriage (or future marriage) in jeopardy. Research shows that couples who believe in the concept of "soul mates" are at much higher risk of disenchantment, conflict, and divorce. Couples who hold the more traditional view of marriage being based on a lifelong mutual commitment are happier, fight less, and are more likely to stay together...
The problem with the soul mate view is that it goes hand in hand with the romanticized idea that if you marry Mr. Right or Miss Right your life will be nothing but wonderful all of the time. Such people tend to think that the role of their spouse and the reason for their marriage is to "make" them happy and fulfilled. However, idealistic views of relationships and marriage are dangerous for many reasons.
my initial thought when reading this 1st paragraph was...the idea of Romance is exhilarating....better than watching endless lifetime movies of betrayal & cheating... but it surely doesn't cross out or nullify the more traditional view of lifelong mutual commitment.. also seeing our partners flaws, being realistic at the same time..
The 2nd paragraph... this appears more an issue with self awareness - doing what WE can meet our partner half way... instead of selfishly sitting back expecting someone to "serve" us -making us happy.. it always takes 2 doing their part....and less to do whether a couple refers to each other as "soul mates"... a poster left this quote yrs ago here, how she felt about her husband.... I have read many that resonate, our experiences may not all start out as immediate & strong as hers, but when she speaks of it growing over time.. I very much relate....
A person with whom you have an immediate connection the moment you meet -- a connection so strong that you are drawn to them in a way you have never experienced before. As this connection develops over time, you experience a love so deep, strong and complex, that you begin to doubt that you have ever truly loved anyone prior.
Your soul mate understands and connects with you in every way and on every level, which brings a sense of peace, calmness and happiness when you are around them. And when you are not around them, you are all that much more aware of the harshness of life, and how bonding with another person in this way is the most significant and satisfying thing you will experience in your lifetime. You are also all that much aware of the beauty in life, because you have been given a great gift and will always be thankful.
... feeling this way doesn't mean you never have valleys , etc.. or that another person couldn't be a good match if a loved one died.. Idealism could be the key to a happy marriage ... The Secret To A Successful Marriage May Be Idealism: Study
Idealizing Your Partner Isn’t Necessarily a Bad Thing
The study suggests that if you view your partner in an extremely positive light, however unrealistic that may be, it’s more likely to trigger greater forgiveness when things get difficult, and a greater tendency to look for positive reasons for your partners behavior. These conclusions came after research involving 222 couples in their first marriages. They connected “unrealistic idealisation at the time of marriage to changes in satisfaction over the first three years of marriage.”
While normally satisfaction between couples goes down over time the study concluded that seeing your partner as a reflection of their ideals provided some protection against the decline in satisfaction. Griffin further concluded that this connection between idealism and successful marriages isn’t just down to individuals being optimistic about their relationship and that the connection holds for less optimistic individuals as well.
Consider this though: research has found that partner idealization can actually protect couples from the dissatisfaction that normally characterizes the post honeymoon phase of a relationship. In fact, people who idealized their partners often don’t experience a significant decline in relationship satisfaction. This is a pretty astounding concept, considering we’ve traditionally been conditioned to accept that when courtship transitions to the less exciting reality of day-to-day relationship maintenance, romantic love is hard to keep up.
No doubt this is realistic. But maybe being “realistic” is better served in the way we idealize our partner. The protective effect of partner idealization doesn’t come from simply seeing your partner more positively, and trying once again to overlook their flaws, but bringing your idealized image of a partner closer to how you see your actual partner. The critical difference is instead of saying, “she’s perfect,” try saying “she’s not perfect, but she’s perfect for me.” ...
Which is more realistic to attain? It’s a little like the maxim, “If you want something done right, do it yourself.” It also prevents you from being at the whim of fate. Endeavoring for “perfect for me” still requires effort, but perhaps a more rewarding, if not preventative sort. Instead of later having to consider one’s part in patterns, or a dynamic that’s not working, recognize and take responsibility for what you need from the start, and be willing to express this to your partner. However to give “she’s not perfect” its fair due, one needs to not only recognize and understand their partner’s needs, but their limitations—respectively. While this won’t safeguard against problems, it will help distinguish problems from partners. This also helps prevent us from seeing our partners in either unrealistically positive or negative terms, and allows the possibility for understanding or forgiveness for a partner’s less than endearing qualities.
Similar to “reciprocal overlooking” idealization in this sense is also reciprocal, by establishing willingness to support each other to be their best selves, rather than criticize, point fingers, or keep score, and continuing to remind them they aren’t your ideal.
Thoughts... do you have some of this going on in your Marriage? Have you found it unhealthy , more hurtful ?? Please share....