"Idealism" in Marriage... always bad? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 75 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 02:22 PM Thread Starter
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"Idealism" in Marriage... always bad?

As with any "ism".....there are various views ...as well as experiences to share...WHY we feel as we do... when we read responses here, such as this one -post #83...
Quote:
Originally Posted by jld View Post
We are probably both just in a fog about each other. Objectively we are nothing special. But to each other, we are very special.
.... it's a perfect example of some "Idealism" at play within a marriage... one can "feel it" in the expression....how a partner speaks about the other... some may feel it's unhealthy even but it's also passionate & inspiring many times...at the very least there is some Grey in this concept...One can find articles on both sides:


The Danger of Idealism in Marriage
Quote:
If you base your views about relationships on cheesy romance novels or Hollywood chick-flicks you are not only in for a rude awakening, but you may also be putting your marriage (or future marriage) in jeopardy. Research shows that couples who believe in the concept of "soul mates" are at much higher risk of disenchantment, conflict, and divorce. Couples who hold the more traditional view of marriage being based on a lifelong mutual commitment are happier, fight less, and are more likely to stay together...

The problem with the soul mate view is that it goes hand in hand with the romanticized idea that if you marry Mr. Right or Miss Right your life will be nothing but wonderful all of the time. Such people tend to think that the role of their spouse and the reason for their marriage is to "make" them happy and fulfilled. However, idealistic views of relationships and marriage are dangerous for many reasons.
my initial thought when reading this 1st paragraph was...the idea of Romance is exhilarating....better than watching endless lifetime movies of betrayal & cheating... but it surely doesn't cross out or nullify the more traditional view of lifelong mutual commitment.. also seeing our partners flaws, being realistic at the same time..

The 2nd paragraph... this appears more an issue with self awareness - doing what WE can meet our partner half way... instead of selfishly sitting back expecting someone to "serve" us -making us happy.. it always takes 2 doing their part....and less to do whether a couple refers to each other as "soul mates"... a poster left this quote yrs ago here, how she felt about her husband.... I have read many that resonate, our experiences may not all start out as immediate & strong as hers, but when she speaks of it growing over time.. I very much relate....
Quote:
Originally Posted by LadyDee View Post
A person with whom you have an immediate connection the moment you meet -- a connection so strong that you are drawn to them in a way you have never experienced before. As this connection develops over time, you experience a love so deep, strong and complex, that you begin to doubt that you have ever truly loved anyone prior.

Your soul mate understands and connects with you in every way and on every level, which brings a sense of peace, calmness and happiness when you are around them. And when you are not around them, you are all that much more aware of the harshness of life, and how bonding with another person in this way is the most significant and satisfying thing you will experience in your lifetime. You are also all that much aware of the beauty in life, because you have been given a great gift and will always be thankful.
...... ......

... feeling this way doesn't mean you never have valleys , etc.. or that another person couldn't be a good match if a loved one died..

Idealism could be the key to a happy marriage ... The Secret To A Successful Marriage May Be Idealism: Study

Quote:
The study suggests that if you view your partner in an extremely positive light, however unrealistic that may be, it’s more likely to trigger greater forgiveness when things get difficult, and a greater tendency to look for positive reasons for your partners behavior. These conclusions came after research involving 222 couples in their first marriages. They connected “unrealistic idealisation at the time of marriage to changes in satisfaction over the first three years of marriage.”

While normally satisfaction between couples goes down over time the study concluded that seeing your partner as a reflection of their ideals provided some protection against the decline in satisfaction. Griffin further concluded that this connection between idealism and successful marriages isn’t just down to individuals being optimistic about their relationship and that the connection holds for less optimistic individuals as well.
Idealizing Your Partner Isn’t Necessarily a Bad Thing

Quote:
Consider this though: research has found that partner idealization can actually protect couples from the dissatisfaction that normally characterizes the post honeymoon phase of a relationship. In fact, people who idealized their partners often don’t experience a significant decline in relationship satisfaction. This is a pretty astounding concept, considering we’ve traditionally been conditioned to accept that when courtship transitions to the less exciting reality of day-to-day relationship maintenance, romantic love is hard to keep up.

No doubt this is realistic. But maybe being “realistic” is better served in the way we idealize our partner. The protective effect of partner idealization doesn’t come from simply seeing your partner more positively, and trying once again to overlook their flaws, but bringing your idealized image of a partner closer to how you see your actual partner. The critical difference is instead of saying, “she’s perfect,” try saying “she’s not perfect, but she’s perfect for me.” ...

Which is more realistic to attain? It’s a little like the maxim, “If you want something done right, do it yourself.” It also prevents you from being at the whim of fate. Endeavoring for “perfect for me” still requires effort, but perhaps a more rewarding, if not preventative sort. Instead of later having to consider one’s part in patterns, or a dynamic that’s not working, recognize and take responsibility for what you need from the start, and be willing to express this to your partner. However to give “she’s not perfect” its fair due, one needs to not only recognize and understand their partner’s needs, but their limitations—respectively. While this won’t safeguard against problems, it will help distinguish problems from partners. This also helps prevent us from seeing our partners in either unrealistically positive or negative terms, and allows the possibility for understanding or forgiveness for a partner’s less than endearing qualities.

Similar to “reciprocal overlooking” idealization in this sense is also reciprocal, by establishing willingness to support each other to be their best selves, rather than criticize, point fingers, or keep score, and continuing to remind them they aren’t your ideal.
Thoughts... do you have some of this going on in your Marriage? Have you found it unhealthy , more hurtful ?? Please share....

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post #2 of 75 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 03:58 PM
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Re: "Idealism" in Marriage... always bad?

You mistake selfishness with greed. Greed would be sitting back expecting to be pleased. Selfishness means that you make choices to have that person in your life because they are that important to you. The problem is that most people are really greedy, not selfish. Greediness is irrational selfishness, where you only think about what makes you happy in the moment. A rationally selfish person will forego some short term pleasure in order to gain in the long term.

Typically couples who have committed relationships built on mutual respect practice selfishness on an on going manner. Those with a lot of issues tend to have at least one greedy partner. They expect happiness and if they can't, don't or aren't getting from their spouse they act out - some cheat, some become workaholics, others do retail therapy etc. Partnerships built on greed typically fail.

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post #3 of 75 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 04:03 PM
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Re: "Idealism" in Marriage... always bad?

There is a difference between having an idealistic view of marriage, and having an idealistic view of your partner.

The first might lead to you unrealistic expectations and weaken the marriage. The second will cause you to view your partner more positively and may strengthen the marriage.

Idealism shouldn't be a lie, but I think its fine for it to distort things in a positive way. I see nothing about believing that you partner is more attractive than a rational person might think.
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post #4 of 75 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 04:29 PM
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Re: "Idealism" in Marriage... always bad?

Lots of philosophical viewpoints. We subscribed to what Gracie X said, "I’ve seen how the whole relationship lockdown breeds an almost viral tendency to take the other person for granted, to have huge expectations, and to deliver this all from a sense of duty and obligation — without a thank you!" We were non monogamous until 7 years ago in our 44 year marriage. We designed our own marriage because we knew that no too people can fulfill all the needs of another. We lived 30 years sharing the same girlfriend. As a poly triad, all of our important needs were fulfill among the three of us. We did a little group sex but ultimately sex with people you do not have an emotional tie with was not satisfying for us.

I do not believe in soul mates as if out of all the girls in the world, your soul mate just happened to live in your small spot of the world, unless you believe in multiple soul mates which assumes that many have the same soul. We never had a picture of what a marriage should be. We never had kids, we moved 13 times and we partied whenever we could. We made it up as we went along with no expectations. Never any jealousy. My wife discovered her bisexuality during our marriage so we made room for that by sharing her girlfriends. We had no master plan or expectations of what our marriage should be. I like to live outside of the box and with a 50% divorce rate in monogamous marriages, I thought it was not smart to follow the marriage plan that all others do with only a 50/50 chance of success. So we lived outside the marriage law and did whatever worked for us. It worked wonderfully too.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.
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post #5 of 75 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 04:55 PM Thread Starter
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Re: "Idealism" in Marriage... always bad?

Another article... The Process of Idealization -The powerful phenomenon that convinces us that our partners are the best.

Quote:
Research has shown that most of us desire a partner who is, among other things, attractive, trustworthy, warm, successful, and intelligent. However, despite what every romantic comedy would try to tell you, it's difficult to find a partner with all these characteristics. Luckily for us, our memories, and the power of idealization, can help us think we've found someone with all of these qualities anyway. Just like rom-coms are edited to ensure that the heroine's frog turns into a prince by the final credits, our memories also undergo several edits and rewrites as new information is added.

Specifically, idealization occurs when we generate positive illusions by maximizing virtues and minimizing flaws. These illusions are a combination of a partner's actual traits coupled with the belief that his or her faults are minimal. It's not that we believe the person we are attracted to is a saint, we just tend to deem their flaws (i.e. the aforementioned shoes, haircuts, and comments) as special and unique.

* As long as this is carried out to a realistic degree, benefits may incur. However, those who unrealistically lionize lovers, and create qualities that their partner does not possess, may be at risk for disillusionment and disappointment. (Not surprisingly, research has shown that newlyweds reported less satisfaction when their partners turned out to be less ideal than they initially thought.)

Those of us who appropriately idealize their partners have all the facts, we just interpret them in a more positive light. It makes sense to beef up the image of those people we like, given that we want to be liked by those whom we view as desirable. A self-fulfilling prophecy may also take place when we treat our partners like they are wonderful and talented people, in that we actually help elicit this behavior from them and, in doing so, enhance their self-esteem. By believing that one's partner is the best, we may help him or her become their ideal self—an effect known as the "Michelangelo Phenomenon "
Some may be more prone to "Idealism" even.... this stood out to me while reading this book... The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts, it spoke of a deeper influence to it.. ...This book explained 5 different types of Marriages...

1) The Romantic Marriage... 2) Rescue Marriage... 3) Companionate Marriage... 4) Traditional Marriage and. 5) The Renegotiating Marriage

The Chapter on "the Romantic Marriage".. .. many in these type marriages speak of a "hole" in their childhoods.. a severe loss... it spoke of one woman who never had a Mother, she was deprived of maternal affection & love, how her mother didn't touch her.. In my life.. my mother loved me.. but she left me.. she had a nervous breakdown & ran off with an alcoholic.. she was my best friend before that.. my world so to speak, and that was ripped from me..

This chapter specifically spoke of Idealization here ...

Quote:
"Marriage without fantasy or idealization is dull & dispirited.. Many of the divorced couples I've seen appear to have never idealized each other. I've learned to ask myself about a divorcing couple (obviiousy I can't say it directly), was there ever a marraige here? Was there ever love, joy, hope, or idealization in this relationship? Often I'm hard put to find it. Divorce does not always represent an erosion of love or higher expectations; in many cases the expectations weren't high enough.

Idealization of the other is part of every happy marriage. In a Romantic marriage, the early idealizations remain very powerful".
Quote:
All Courtship begins with a fantasy - a fervent desire, bordering on delusion, that another person can step in & magically undo all of life's hurts and disappointments . The new loved one will adore you forever, protect you, drive away wicked people, make you feel whole, valued, beautiful, worthy, and honorable - forever...

...a few more paragraphs it says this...

"Every child experiences some hurts & losses while growing up, no matter how loving the parents. Of the people in Romantic marriages, a high proportion had sustained severe losses during childhood, including the death or physical or mental illness of a parent, Sara & to a lessor extent Matt, did not feel loved by their Mothers. Both spoke of having a "hole' in their childhoods. The sense of magic and of a relationship that extends beyond time and space may rest on the unconscious connection between the adult lover and the lost beloved person from childhood"


It spoke of men..

" Several of the men in romantic marriages had lonely, isolated childhoods in which fantasy probably played an important role. Others had sustained losses as children, the mothers of 2 were hospitalized for many years. These men came to adulthood with intense, long postponed needs for love & closeness.

These men's sense of making up for early losses may help explain why they felt almost physically connected to their wives. The couples in romantic marriages often seemed to have an unusual unity, not only on an emotional level, but on a physical level as well.."I've never not felt in love with her. I've never even had dreams in which I was with someone else. She is very much a part of me, a soul mate".. said one man.. His wife said .."I feel whole when he's in the house".

In fact, each partner's central identity was defined by the marital bond, as it they were halves of a whole.


It went on to speak of a man who described the early losses & the love for his wife..he was an only child who lost his father in an airplane crash when he was 10, then his Mom became a falling down drunk...family life was non -existent.. growing up he watched "Father knows Best"...he would think "I wish I had a family like that...I knew I was missing something...it was a stable family, they respected each other, they dealt with the little foibles of life, nothing could destroy that stability"..

That television show kept his hope alive.. it was the church of his childhood..and in his marriage his passionate love for his wife reflected his joy, his sense of having been granted a miracle, and his sheer incredulity at finding her....
When I read all of that.. I could relate feeling like this man...(also an only child).... I enjoyed watching shows like the Waltons , Little House on the Prairie .... loved that Larger family stability ...or listening to my Grandmother next door speak of her Courtship with my Grandfather.... these things surely influenced me and gave me hope for my own future.

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post #6 of 75 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 05:13 PM
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Re: "Idealism" in Marriage... always bad?

IMO, slightly idealizing your partner is a good thing, as it provides a positive viewpoint that makes forgiving and compromising easier when needed. We see each other as wonderful, and largely, I think that's true because we are kind, compassionate, loving, and supportive of each other, especially when life is difficult. We're not perfect, but do give each other the benefit of the doubt when issues arise, and that makes them easier to resolve. I'd also say we have a Romantic marriage, and are very close, but not joined at the hip like some of those (almost codependent) examples SA gives. We tend to be very pragmatic, and think the concept of soul mates is ludicrous - we do think two people can be unusually compatible, and we fall into that category.

"Idealization of the other is part of every happy marriage. In a Romantic marriage, the early idealizations remain very powerful". I'd say this is true for us, and we continually reinforce it.

Marriage itself holds no magic - if anything, we'd rather do without it as we see it as a very flawed institution, but there are pragmatic benefits, and we can shape our marriage to our own liking to avoid what we see as the negatives.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
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post #7 of 75 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 05:19 PM Thread Starter
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Re: "Idealism" in Marriage... always bad?

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Originally Posted by Ynot View Post
You mistake selfishness with greed. Greed would be sitting back expecting to be pleased. Selfishness means that you make choices to have that person in your life because they are that important to you. The problem is that most people are really greedy, not selfish. Greediness is irrational selfishness, where you only think about what makes you happy in the moment. A rationally selfish person will forego some short term pleasure in order to gain in the long term.

Typically couples who have committed relationships built on mutual respect practice selfishness on an on going manner. Those with a lot of issues tend to have at least one greedy partner. They expect happiness and if they can't, don't or aren't getting from their spouse they act out - some cheat, some become workaholics, others do retail therapy etc. Partnerships built on greed typically fail.
Selfishness is not generally a term that is a virtue.. Looking up Rational selfishness -- Ayn Rand comes up.. I never read her book - "The Virtue of Selfishness" ....I would argue I want some of this from my lover , that he selfishly wants gratified as I am being pleasured too... I've reasoned we're all selfish on my Compatibility thread, an opening line even.... that we want what we want...so better to be matched up with someone who "selfishly" wants the same things.. (lots of touch, sex, time together for example)... it sure will make for a smoother marital ride...

Somehow I could see my husband disagreeing with the word to be used like this..... I guess it's all semantics though... just as others do not like the term "soul mates" under any circumstances...regardless if a description of feeling may capture HOW we feel... or Idealism is always unhealthy...

I am confused on why it is spelled 2 different ways ...if I am using the term correctly even?

I associate Greed generally with money and materialism, CEO pay comes to mind immediately.. but true.. we can be greedy with anything obviously, like having our way...and it's very destructive in relationships..
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post #8 of 75 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 05:29 PM Thread Starter
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Re: "Idealism" in Marriage... always bad?

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Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
There is a difference between having an idealistic view of marriage, and having an idealistic view of your partner.
Very true.. when titling this thread.. I was purely thinking in lines of my partner... it didn't dawn on me -even once that I could have worded this thread differently.. good point !

So yes.. I meant it in the context of how we are viewing our spouse...as you laid out here..

Quote:
The first might lead to you unrealistic expectations and weaken the marriage. The second will cause you to view your partner more positively and may strengthen the marriage.

Idealism shouldn't be a lie, but I think its fine for it to distort things in a positive way.
I so agree !
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post #9 of 75 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 05:58 PM Thread Starter
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Re: "Idealism" in Marriage... always bad?

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Originally Posted by Vinnydee View Post
Lots of philosophical viewpoints. We subscribed to what Gracie X said, "I’ve seen how the whole relationship lockdown breeds an almost viral tendency to take the other person for granted, to have huge expectations, and to deliver this all from a sense of duty and obligation — without a thank you!" We were non monogamous until 7 years ago in our 44 year marriage. We designed our own marriage because we knew that no too people can fulfill all the needs of another. We lived 30 years sharing the same girlfriend. As a poly triad, all of our important needs were fulfill among the three of us. We did a little group sex but ultimately sex with people you do not have an emotional tie with was not satisfying for us.

I do not believe in soul mates as if out of all the girls in the world, your soul mate just happened to live in your small spot of the world, unless you believe in multiple soul mates which assumes that many have the same soul. We never had a picture of what a marriage should be. We never had kids, we moved 13 times and we partied whenever we could. We made it up as we went along with no expectations. Never any jealousy. My wife discovered her bisexuality during our marriage so we made room for that by sharing her girlfriends. We had no master plan or expectations of what our marriage should be. I like to live outside of the box and with a 50% divorce rate in monogamous marriages, I thought it was not smart to follow the marriage plan that all others do with only a 50/50 chance of success. So we lived outside the marriage law and did whatever worked for us. It worked wonderfully too.
People should be happy and satisfied in their relationships.. sounds you met someone compatible enough with your vision, even if starting out you had no vision or plan or expectations (this is difficult for me to fathom as I am the complete upside down opposite)... but that's OK.. you obviously chose wisely , you & she making it up along the way, partying your way through ....

Your wife discovering her bisexuality years in... you rode with it...I can see you both LOVE the adventure.. that's a part of who you are, what fulfills you & she..

I argued against the whole soulmate concept here > Question about being soulmates opinions appreciated (post #13) for the reason you give ....though I still love that he calls me his soul mate.. I wouldn't take this away...I find it "endearing"...
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post #10 of 75 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 06:09 PM
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Re: "Idealism" in Marriage... always bad?

I guess having love goggles on can blind me towards an idealistic view of Mrs. Conan.

I don't know.

If someone makes you feel really good about yourself and fulfills you sexually and romantically, is it idealizing them to think they are wonderful?

I believe making someone feel those things is truly wonderful!

I'm under no illusion about us as people. We are in fairly extraordinary shape for our age range and are highly affectionate.

Other than that, we are pretty normal people.

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post #11 of 75 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 06:44 PM Thread Starter
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Re: "Idealism" in Marriage... always bad?

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Originally Posted by Married but Happy View Post
IMO, slightly idealizing your partner is a good thing, as it provides a positive viewpoint that makes forgiving and compromising easier when needed. We see each other as wonderful, and largely, I think that's true because we are kind, compassionate, loving, and supportive of each other, especially when life is difficult. We're not perfect, but do give each other the benefit of the doubt when issues arise, and that makes them easier to resolve.
Yes.. it works this way, it makes forgiving easier...we seek the best in each other... that "benefit of the doubt" is at play...

I will soon share a personal example of what it may FEEL LIKE to suddenly lose this adoring "idealization" that we've carried, it may cause us to be "cold", questioning, it's not so pretty...

Quote:
I'd also say we have a Romantic marriage, and are very close, but not joined at the hip like some of those (almost codependent) examples SA gives.
But why are these examples almost Co-dependent ...even if they are more joined at the hip over what another's marriage may be....by such measurements, some may deem our marriage almost Co-dependent...

Back to @Ynot 's point about Selfishness ... I'd say some of us (I've met other couples even) both selfishly LIKE TO SPEND TIME together...it is what it is.. I am working full time + now, sometimes 50 hrs a week, kinda sucks...less time with hubby / family.. I leave before he gets home...I'm missing our time together already....
I never asked him, but here he waits up for me many nights, taking a nap after work so we can still get some time in, watch a movie / .... I am sacrificing some of our time today doing this thread, I miss posting here!!.. he's Ok with that, would never complain...... tomorrow I'll be gone for 16 straight hrs...it's OK.. we do what we have to do.. outside of today.. I generally do what I can to maximize our time together... he always appreciated this -while showing me he cares about it too....

Co-dependency is not healthy.. as explained in this article Codependency vs. Interdependency ...such couples "relate to others in unhealthy ways with patterns of obsession, self-sacrifice, dysfunctional communication, and control, which are both self-destructive and hurtful to others. They’re often abusive or allow themselves to be abused."

I don't see any of this in the Romantic couples examples ... even if they come from a lonelier childhood, and may be prone to a little more "idealism" with their partners when the love is flowing...being expressed as mutual....
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post #12 of 75 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 07:07 PM
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Re: "Idealism" in Marriage... always bad?

I think it is fine to be idealistic about one's partner, if they have earned that.

I know Dug is not perfect. Sometimes he makes mistakes. But he does a lot of things right, and sets a high bar.

I would not want to be with someone who did not inspire me, who did not make me think the world could be a better place if more people were like him.

Maybe I was just made to do hero worship.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #13 of 75 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 08:12 PM
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Re: "Idealism" in Marriage... always bad?

SA, I just found an interesting quote. I hope you don't mind my posting it here.

"If you want to know what a man's character is really like... ask him to tell you the living person he most admires - for hero worship is the truest index of a man's private nature."

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #14 of 75 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 09:14 PM
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Re: "Idealism" in Marriage... always bad?

Idealism might be ok for some people but not for us. We ground our relationship not on some imaginary vision of the other but on who our spouse really is. We each have flaws and we understand them so that the appearance of them doesn't disrupt the marriage.

You've heard me say this before, SA, the concept of a soul mate is poison and should not be thought of as the ideal for a relationship. The reality is that there can be many people who can qualify and fulfill being a "soul mate". Once the concept of a soul mate is introduced as there can be only one true love you have set the relationship to fail if that person runs into someone else that fits the bill. This then will more likely cause them to doubt the original attachment.

I think it's better to live in reality than a fairy tail.

I don't want to not live because of my fear of what could happen. - Laird Hamilton
Listen to your spouse!
Fog v. Love
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post #15 of 75 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 09:58 PM Thread Starter
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Re: "Idealism" in Marriage... always bad?

I am going to share an experience...very fitting for this thread...

Before I go here..1st let me say... We are a couple who have always Felt strongly that we share something very special and beautiful, feeling blessed to have met each other.. even to the point of Fate.. for instance.. I prayed specifically for a man LIKE HIM.. it's like God sent him to me...he ticked nearly every box...... For him, he's always said it was "Love at 1st sight" , sex was not even on his mind.. he just wanted to "get to know me".... I told him that's not normal.. but I also hold these things very dear... so we're a couple who's always felt this "idealism" , how it's helpful, holds the romance...

Then ONE NIGHT.... (learn from me.. better to not go certain places with our mouths...there was utterly no point to this at all)...but I guess it's good for this thread !

A few weeks back...I was reading a few articles how UNHEALTHY it is to Idealize a spouse (I want to hear both sides -even if I may feel differently, it challenges my thinking)...yet it can make one question too... Something set me off...I got upset wanting him to come on to me (something stupid)..I was just in an ornery mood... It was THAT time of month... (no excuse I know) ... this was a lousy time to unload what I've been reading...

So I start telling him.....he's always had me on a Pedestal and that I'm nothing special .. that he's been duped.. that it's only because he has "Idealized me" that he's been so wonderful through the years, always forgiving.... like it's all in his head, all a facade ....I am a "screw up" like everyone else... Ok...I've said this before.. my mouth can Over run in a heated moment.. Here I am slaughtering myself before him...probably feeling guilty for starting a fight .... Do I sound crazy yet ?

He suddenly got very quiet... then his face turned cold like...the wheels were turning.. he looks at me & asks with the most serious of faces...."Have I done this, has it all been a LIE.. was it all just in my head ?"..... he was processing these thoughts I unloaded on him.... the seriousness continued....his countenance almost numb... he made a few comments reasoning this out.. that if I am "nothing special", if I am just like every other woman, what is there... it was like it changed EVERYTHING , his perception of me was now TAINTED...he questioned himself / us...

I asked him if he still loved me...his answer was "I don't know"... he said he didn't know anything anymore... In all our years (35 so far)..I have never experienced this feeling , he was scaring me, like I opened a Pandora's box I could not shut again .... I start to feel sick to my stomach ...a rush of sadness / dread washes over me...feelings of > "Oh my God , what have I done!!... did I just destroy US... his love for me!??"... this went on for about 45 minutes.... it was SOBERING ...I cried like I couldn't stop... he didn't hold me at 1st - I never experienced THAT before either .. he always reached for me, wanted to comfort me, no matter what the argument, he was there for me...this was different...

What could I do now.. but throw myself on him, for being so foolish as to go here, say these things to hurt each other...also to present the other side... what it's always BEEN... reminding him how Special he is to me, that no man could take his place, I gave him a cup on Valentines day "Mr Right"... he's always been my "Mr Right"....sure he pisses me off at times, but still...both of us have viewed it all as such Minor offenses, small bumps in the road of a long joyous journey together... we've bared each other easily.. due to looking upon those positives, laughing at our Quirks , making fun of our flaws along the way...

I reasoned how "love is Blind" many times....he's put up with me happily all these years.. it has to be!... it's a testament to us even.....how this is NOT damaging, happiness resides there .. though obviously ripping away his perception of what we've had, causing him to question...rending it to "nothing special"... it devastated him... it's like the lights went out, a dark void...he said " a feeling of emptiness"...

He eventually reached for me, told me he loved me, we both agreed we'll happily remain "blind"...this has held our happiness all through the years.. just a matter of minutes and we washed it all away... on to make up sex ! and never looked back... but yeah.. this really opened my eyes...
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