Percentage of successful marriages that start as affairs? - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 51 (permalink) Old 02-02-2012, 11:34 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Percentage of successful marriages that start as affairs?

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Originally Posted by anotherguy View Post

If this is true.. and lets for arguments sake say that it is - I feel that it also means that it is more 'dangerous' to allow ourselves to get into a ethically hazardous situation (such as flirting outside the marriage with a willing participant) than many believe.

Virtue untested is merely innocece, someone said. But allowing yourself to get in the position of being tested is folly.
I completely agree with this.

It does go directly against the common wisdom of this forum though.

Moral calibur changes over time and experience.

Situations that would have led me to destroy my relationships when I was twenty have taught me that those situations are to now (at 44) be avoided at all cost.

I also am far less susceptible to falling for those situations now.

Ironically the main reason I wouldn`t cheat on my wife is what cheating with my wife did to me years ago.

Odd but true.

Lessons learned.
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post #32 of 51 (permalink) Old 02-02-2012, 11:36 AM
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Re: Percentage of successful marriages that start as affairs?

The average divorce rate for first marriages is about 50%, the rate for 2nd or more marriages is even higher... so a 25% chance of making it from an affair sounds about right since by definition that would be a second or more marriage for at least one party.

I know of one marriage that started as an affair... my childhood friend's dad married his mistress... they are still together decades later.
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post #33 of 51 (permalink) Old 02-02-2012, 11:42 AM
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Re: Percentage of successful marriages that start as affairs?

no-first marriage divorce rate in the US is 40%

second and more timers raise the overall average to 50%

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post #34 of 51 (permalink) Old 02-02-2012, 01:41 PM
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Re: Percentage of successful marriages that start as affairs?

OK - I'm going to say something that may fly in the face of a lot of beliefs. I do not believe a perfect relationship exists. I believe some people will accept the hand they have been dealt and make the best of it... and if it does not get really bad (and sometimes even when it is really bad) they will stick with the marriage for many many years. On the other hand, I believe there are plenty of people who simply get fed up with the emotional and/or physical turmoil and they bail out by either getting a divorce and moving on or by having an affair to ease them through the transition.

Every relationship, affair based or not, has about the same odds of working despite all the percentages. Because we are all individuals, each pairing either works (long or short term), or it does not.

I spent the last 30 years learning lesson after lesson on this subject. I'm a little OCD when it comes to relationships. Like another poster here, I don't have 100% trust in anyone. To a degree I inspect what I expect. Now and then and not to the extreme. Maybe once every two or three months I'll just show up where my partner said she'd be. And so far 100% of the time she has told the truth.

In my relationships and marriages I have cheated. First marriage twice. Married the second paramour and have stayed married 13 years. Second marriage once. And I got caught and it's been a brutal 2 years. So brutal in fact that I am thinking of leaving. I deserved to pay, but I did not realize the payments would go on forever. So to answer the question, does the PA/EA relationship last, yes it can. But nothing is perfect and the sooner we realize that the more likely we will accept the fact that nothing lasts forever.

Last edited by babyz; 02-03-2012 at 10:57 AM.
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post #35 of 51 (permalink) Old 02-03-2012, 06:23 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Percentage of successful marriages that start as affairs?

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OK - I'm going to say something that may fly in the face of a lot of beliefs. I do not believe a perfect relationship exists. I believe some people will accept the hand they have been dealt and make the best of it... and if it does not get really bad (and sometimes even when it is really bad) they will stick with the marriage for many many years. On the other hand, I believe there are plenty of people who simply get fed up with the emotional and/or physical turmoil and they bail out by either getting a divorce and moving on or by having an affair to ease them through the transition.

Every relationship, affair based or not, has about the same odds of working despite all the percentages. Because we are all individuals, each pairing either works (long or short term), or it does not.

I spent the last 30 years learning lesson after lesson on this subject. I'm a little OCD when it comes to relationships. Like another poster here, I don't have 100% trust in anyone. To a degree I inspect what I expect. Now and then and not to the extreme. Maybe once every two or three months I'll just show up where my partner said she'd be. And so far 100% of the time she has told the truth.

In my relationships and marriages I have cheated. First marriage twice. Married the second paramour and have stayed married 13 years. Second marriage once. And I got caught and it's been a brutal 2 years. So brutal in fact that I am thinking of leaving. I deserved to pay, but I did not realize the payments would go on forever. So to answer the question, does the PA/EA relationship last, yes it can. But nothing is perfect and the sooner we realize that the more likely we will accept the fact that nothing lasts forever.
Actually babyz this flies in the face of everyones belief on this forum.(it seems)
Everyone but me that is.
I wholeheartedly agree with every word you said.
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post #36 of 51 (permalink) Old 06-08-2013, 05:18 PM
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Re: Percentage of successful marriages that start as affairs?

Here is the math:

Out of 100 couples, (Pittman's sample in his book private lies)
He said 50% of affairs couples divorced.
But, only 12% (12) actually married OP.
And then 75% of those failed (12*.75)= 9
Thus only 3 married betrayers are left

So divorce rate for the cheaters is 75%. However the chances for cheaters to end up in a successful marriage is 3%. This is were confusion is regarding percentages.

What cannot be expressed in numbers is that many cheaters are shunned by their friends and family especially when they marry their "best friend's" spouse!

The main point is that affairs bring nothing but suffering eventually even to the selfish cheaters.
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post #37 of 51 (permalink) Old 07-15-2013, 05:20 AM
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Re: Percentage of successful marriages that start as affairs?

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are together since 2004, and still going strong...

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change ; courage to change the thing I can ; and wisdom to know the difference !
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post #38 of 51 (permalink) Old 07-15-2013, 09:38 AM
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Re: Percentage of successful marriages that start as affairs?

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I`m always seeing this 2.5% number for successful marriage born from infidelity.

Can anyone cite any study for this number?
My Google-Fu must be sucking tonight as I can`t find anything out there.

I did find this site that states marriages born of affairs have a 25% shot of making it which sounds a bit more reasonable to me.

About Affairs » Blog Archive » Can Relationships That Start as Affairs Succeed…Revisited

There is one respondent in that thread who twists that 25% into 2.5% with a disrespect for mathematical objectivity I haven`t seen since Copernicus unravelled the epicycles.


LMAO…ohh that was funny!!

I`d just like to know what the odds are in truth and would appreciate any input.
It's a very low percentage. If you understood all the dynamics that you are fighting against to make a relationship as a result of an affair workout it will make more sense.

There is ONE particular situation where a relationship born of an affair may work.

Say a husband or wife is in a very abusive and corrosive relationship. They are trapped and no way out. They meet their angel, the social groups are happy and bless the new relationship, it was formed for a good reason to start with, that may just work.

As usual its still always better to divorce first before starting a new situation.

The relationships as results of affairs usually do NOT workout, because you got into it in the first place normally off of a bad motive. It's usually lust and passion based and a good component of the lust and passion was driven from needing to be underground, the secrecy of it. Also in the minds of both people was bad motives and reasonings.

All of this stuff will come out and be paid for later, plus the social component. It's likely your going to have alot of people mad, many of them formed your support bases.

Without your support bases, and now support bases turned against you, you will have stress. You never had any good fundamental reasons to be together in the first place, so it won't last.

Never mind the reasons, is they usually don't last.

Player stuff usually comes to light and is dissolved badly.
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post #39 of 51 (permalink) Old 09-16-2013, 08:22 PM
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Re: Percentage of successful marriages that start as affairs?

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post #40 of 51 (permalink) Old 10-16-2013, 11:01 PM
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Re: Percentage of successful marriages that start as affairs?

I know one marriage that started from a work place affair, they were both married. They subsequently left their respective spouses and got married to each other. Last I heard, he was miserable.
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post #41 of 51 (permalink) Old 10-16-2013, 11:57 PM
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Re: Percentage of successful marriages that start as affairs?

Interesting. My wife and I are probably done after 20 years (21 at the end of the month). I've all but given up. She is a good and decent person. Compassionate with high character. I will not have an affair but if I did, I just can't imagine marrying that person. How could I possibly marry a woman who thought it was ok to have sex with a married man and furthermore had the poor judgement to marry that man? How could I love a woman that I cannot trust? Seems like that marriage would have a very high chance of failure.
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post #42 of 51 (permalink) Old 10-17-2013, 01:14 AM
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Re: Percentage of successful marriages that start as affairs?

I know many people don't want to hear this but the majority of marriages(over 50%) don't last either. Ones that started off as affairs have diminishing hope after the affair fog wears off.
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post #43 of 51 (permalink) Old 10-17-2013, 06:01 AM
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Re: Percentage of successful marriages that start as affairs?

I wish my WS had taken off with that 'married with children' SOB. I reckon it would have been easier to act on rather than finding out after the fact as I did. F**k cheaters!

"What is the percentage of failed long term relationships after an affair?"
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post #44 of 51 (permalink) Old 10-17-2013, 08:19 AM
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Re: Percentage of successful marriages that start as affairs?

Thinking out loud:

Define "successful." Marriage X is good for 20 years but ends in divorce over an affair. Failure? The cheating partner from Marriage X marries his/her AP, forming Marriage Y, and 10 years later, when surveyed for a study on the success rate of marriages that start as affairs, Marriage Y is still intact. Success? 20 years = failure, 10 years = success? Is divorce the only measure by which a marriage is successful or not? And who's to say that two years after being recorded for posterity as a successful affair-based marriage Marriage Y doesn't go belly-up?

My conclusion: There isn't any good answer for any of this.
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post #45 of 51 (permalink) Old 10-17-2013, 09:20 AM
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Re: Percentage of successful marriages that start as affairs?

My mom (while married to my dad) had an exit affair with a man (who was living with a woman at the time). He and my mom got married, and they just had their 25th anniversary. It's been a really good marriage.

This is probably not a typical situation at all. Certainly this is not a data point to use in support of affairs!
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