I could stay...and be very happy...
To whom it may concern,
I have been in a healthy loving relationship for just over 7 years. I have been irritated and annoyed everyday since. I say healthy relationship, because we are loving, open, considerate, uplifting, supportive, etc...of each other. We match weirdly on every level, except sexually. A subject I could expand on, but for the purposes of this post, lets say that part is normal and healthy (im focus on something particular here...bigger than the fading effects of sexual attraction...).
So anyway, I am 27 and very detached from everything...family. friends, relationships...you name it, im detached from it lol. We clicked easily; like we'd known each other in another life. From then on i figured, "well this guy meets everything on my list basically...i guess...im not overly excited...but ok".
I never went through a honey moon faze with him. I just went from acceptance to resentment really. Im sheltered and the moment i was going to finally start MY life...he came along. Its like this perfect guy came at the worst time, but i know that long term he is what anyone would want....a seriously "down for you", loving, "you can literally do anything you want, my happiness is just from you being in my life" type of man.
Almost obsessed with deep unconditional love. Anyways, i have never felt this type of love, and i cannnot express it back. I have yet to feel this love for anyone. So anyway, he make it year after year, him adoring my literal farts...and me being annoyed and sad that im annoyed because he is literally the most worthy person of happiness that ive ever met.
He is a kind soul who will work to death for his family, is traditionally a one girl guy/family man is his lifes mission and joy type of guy. Hes been with me through sickness and not having sex for years...really even to this day. He literally just loves me, its as simple as that. He adores me. He finds hope and strength in me, i am his family and his world. I love him, i am fiercely protective of his happiness and well being.
But i have never even come close to loving his how he loves me. Infact i could at any time really..easily walk away. The saddest part is that he deserves happiness, and i make him happiedt in the world....he will be unhappy if i leave. He has strugggled with depression and serious self hate issues the entire time. A lot of why i coukdnt ever leave was because i need to know me be will ok...and alive....i cannot confirm either of thise things...even after 7 years.
I want to leave, i kind of have wanted to leave the whole time. He just loves me so much from the beginning and now we have been together so long, i cant leave. He us too important to me, his happiness is too important. Even so, i actually tried to leave this last November, he ended up literally almost losing his mind and breaking from reality. My love for him and out history brought me back.
Over the years and from the beginning really, ive been annoyed, frustrated and resentful of him and really being in a relationship. Ive never wanted long term commitment or kids (ive felt this way from the 3rd grade...and despite everyone saying ill feel differently as i get older...i dont.)
Do ive felt caged, sitting in a literal perfect carefree life, with a man who i love and treats me like a queen everyday. Seriously, we dont celebrate (i dont..) holidays because.."everyday is valentines".... everyday he brings flowers and genuinely enjoys doing these acts....ive never asked for really anything (im like extremely low maintenance...and thise are the words of ebery ex, and all my friends...ever), i have to convince him against a wedding ring...because im kind of again "the man" and "the corporation" lol.
Im droning on sorry...the point is...he overly loves me...i underly love him...he feels lime he literally hit the lottery...he said i was better than his image of his perfect girl, and hes dead serious. I have wanted to leave the whole time, but i love him....althought neither of us is sure that im IN live with him (we are very open...talking about EVERYTHING)...but after 7 years does it really matter. We laugh all through the day, grow together and seriously have what coukd be considered a happy healthy well rounded altruistic, non arguing (because were adults..so we talk lol), self improving relationship ive ever witnessed.
Yet, i still want to leave. After 7 years, he still gives me anxiety (for no reason at all, literally no reason, i cry sometimes because he is so warm and welcoming, like a puppy seriously...unending unwavering, high off life...love). I am not very attracted to him, i am not prideful in claiming him. Its almost like...welp...i guess i got this one...good thing hes the most wonderful man in the world.
Its like i cant appreciate the amazingness that is him...because dispite how well we connect, the amazing team that we are and have always been, the fact that we laugh 90% of the time, dispite the fact that i can and have stopped working for years...at his pleasure, dispite having whatever i want...im still nit happy. I find it hard to leave also because he has done everything ive asked fir 7 years...everything...happily...like it was nothing.
And to him it was, and still is. People dont understand, and have probably never felt unconditional love, but i have, infact its really all ive ever know...and his love is even deeper than i previously was possible. So essentially hes done nothing wrong...and is being rewarded by having his entire world set of fire. I did not think i really cared for guys...i dont really like the human body...ive never...ever cared for sex or even being affectionate, i even thought i was "asexual" for a while...so naturally i figured something was wrong with me and im lucky someone wanted me to begin with. So i pushed on...but im at the pointe where inside...uve stopped caring really.
Did i say that i have progressed almost into another person, and all thus time hes been in denial about any issues, or he actually hasnt comprehended them...until literally last month really. So all the years of me trying to help him really fell on def ears...and its like the last 7 years were busy work for me, and complete and utter bliss for him. We are realizing that we were not only on different pages, but reading for different books entirely!
So he basically needs several years of intensive support...which ive been giving him...and i am not past my limit. We have discussed the fact that i have reached a point where i dont genuinely care about his problems...after 7 years of almost no progress, and him just realizing his problems, has left me at a new level of annoyed...kind at the "i dont give a **** really...if you really wanted a resolution youd find one...as i have been giving you resolutions for 7 years, and you refused..and still refuse to take any of it.
So i must continue to deal with his daily anger toward not being perfect, and his self hatred....for...who knows how long. How long am i supposed to find my happiness, just to have him taint it? Or before he starts showing any real progress?....i have realized recently that I do have the potential to be "normal" and feel normal things...like desire.....attraction...admiration...uncontrollabl e love....all the things he feels for me, and i seem to lack most the time....but i do not feel i will ever connevt with someone as deeply as i have with him, and i know in my heart noone will ever love me as deeply and unconditionally as him. Im one of thise people who is literally, and as always been...and prefers to be alone. Its a fact, i will be happier alone.
But nowhere near as self actualized or well rounded, etc...should i leave a perfect-ish life with happiness jusy because I want to go off and have a life...or do i respect our (unoffical) marriage, and the time and efforts we have put in, along with the new found understandings of my partner (and all his potential for actual growth and repair), and keep going?...knowing that i will always feel...kind of like im in an arranged marriage...that just happens to be the life every women...and person really...would want?
He can feel all my discontentness...and he just tries harder to make me happy. I suggested a separate for a while...if we are supposed to be together forever, maybe taking 6 mos or a year off (not sleeping around or anything....just living seperately...maybe even dating for that time...then coming back together for another 7 years...and then taking a break again, and so on) but he feels he cant make progress without me...and i feel that any progress i make is taken away. So all in all, im not sure what im asking, but i figured if i gave a good idea of what is what, i may get some beneficial feedback from some who have been together for a long time, maybe someone who was in a similar situation and decided to stay, and someone that decided to leave. Or jusy any thoughts i guess.
As i said im extremely sheltered and intelligent (nit in a good way, my first memory was being annoyed with other 3rd graders for the whole...cooties thing. Because all i could think of was...really guys? Am i the only that realizes in like 3 years you guys are.going to be trying to kiss and cope feels!???) If anyone is a star trek fan...i would be data...and again, i did not give myself that title...independently several people labeled me as a real live human data....i dont get thus life, relationships, friendships...its almost all forgien...like ive been dropped on another planet....ive been this way all my life....so im literally asking everyone for their thoughts, oponions, expierences...so i can assimilate it, and make the best decision, both long and shirt term, and for both mental and emotional well being.
Ive struggled with this for almost 7 years...that in itself says i should leave....but staying for 7 years and being 8/10 happy...and feeling thaf i havea genuine life compion, dictates that something else is going on, that may be very important...and why i havent left after all this time...soooo i dunno, you tell me how that got in there!! (Family guy reference, for you sillies out there #RedneckComedyTour lolol) Thanks all!!
Last edited by EleGirl; 05-19-2017 at 11:30 AM.
Reason: added space between paragraphs so we can read this