Dealing with loss of physical attraction - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 36 (permalink) Old 06-06-2017, 05:03 PM Thread Starter
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Dealing with loss of physical attraction

Hey all, long time lurker, first time poster.

In short, my wife and I have been together for over a decade, and are very much in love. We are best friends, truly. Unfortunately, over the course of our relationship, she has gained a lot of weight, especially her thighs. It bothers me more than I'd like it to, and I often find myself staring at other women who are simply not out of shape. She's made good diet changes and is starting to work out here and there, and I've decided to start seriously working out as a possible motivation for her to step up her game. I'm not out of shape, so I would be working on toning myself and bulking up, she needs actual weight loss.

Without diving deep into the extremely complicated mess that is "trying to get your wife to lose weight", I'm keeping faith that she will do it. However, I'd like some help with coping with the fact that I'm completely un-attracted to her at the moment. How do you deal? I truly love her with all my heart, but just can't get over how overweight she is. I want to be able to cope with it better while she's in this transitional period..

I am 31 and she is 28.

Suggestions?

Thanks!

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post #2 of 36 (permalink) Old 06-06-2017, 05:13 PM
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Re: Dealing with loss of physical attraction

Don't listen to me, I divorced my overweight wife and found a much hotter one to replace her. But I had many other issues and I flat out hated her and prayed to God/Allah to kill her with a heart attack every day.

You definitely should be working out, bulk up. You also need to talk to her. If she fails to shed the weight, then you are ready to find another mate.

People gain weight because they are using food to cope with an issue. She needs to find the root of the problem and address it.
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post #3 of 36 (permalink) Old 06-06-2017, 05:17 PM
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Re: Dealing with loss of physical attraction

How good is your fitness?

Can you offer what you want?
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post #4 of 36 (permalink) Old 06-06-2017, 05:36 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Dealing with loss of physical attraction

She isn't using food to cope with an issue per se, it's honestly a fact of laziness. She's a very complacent person when it comes to life in general, she hates having to put effort into anything and is the best excuse maker I may have ever met. I am EXTREMELY good to her, so I honestly feel like she has no motivation or urgency to correct the problem because, well, she's getting everything she wants already and assumes I'm happy too because I'm still very affectionate. Even though we've talked, argued, fought, screamed, yelled and cried about the issue for years, the best results I've gotten is she finally improved her diet and start doing a little "work out" video here and there, usually conveniently before I get home from work. Knowing her, the instant she gets her heart rate up, she stops and says she "worked out". I try to jog with her and she makes it two blocks and basically gives up. Like I said, I'm trying not to focus on these details and am having faith she'll get there, but need help not being so resentful about it.

My fitness is good. I'm in shape, average build, constantly flirted with on the bus (seriously), very healthy in general. I also maintain my appearance too, I stay trimmed, wear nice clothes, I carry myself tall and proud, etc.. One thing that drives me nuts is how often she will be behind me and start going "Mmm you have the nicest man butt I've ever seen." and all I can think of is "Well gee how does that feel to be attracted to your spouse?" as I look at her extremely flabby, wide, tree-trunk legs, wishing I could return the compliment. I never lie, I will not give a compliment her if it's a lie, so I don't give any false sense that she's looking good. I compliment her personality and other features that are attractive, but won't be all like "You too babe" if it's simply not true.
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post #5 of 36 (permalink) Old 06-06-2017, 05:47 PM
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Re: Dealing with loss of physical attraction

Start exercising with her. Get a gym membership. Make it her and you time
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post #6 of 36 (permalink) Old 06-06-2017, 05:49 PM
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Re: Dealing with loss of physical attraction

How many #s overweight is she? Tree trunk legs? Doesn't look good from here.

Please tell me you don't paint her toe nails for her.
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post #7 of 36 (permalink) Old 06-06-2017, 06:15 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Dealing with loss of physical attraction

Exercise together: I never, not once ever told her to go work out. I always offer to exercise together, jog together, etc.. She constantly turns me down, comes up with an excuse, or if she does "work out" with me, I run circles around her. I can't even jog as slow as she does, I honestly walk faster.

#'s overweight: I think last time she revealed her weight it was ~190 and she's 5'5". That was a while ago, but she doesn't look much different.

Toenails: NO.
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post #8 of 36 (permalink) Old 06-06-2017, 07:00 PM
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Re: Dealing with loss of physical attraction

Start working out with her. Find an activity that you both enjoy and make it a daily habit. Try to make it something that includes weight resistant exercises (bodyweight, kettlebells, HIIT, yoga, etc.)- women need strength training too, for many reasons, not least of all, for making it easier to stay lean.

The science behind making something a daily habit is pretty impressive. If you make it enjoyable, and something that can be done at the same time every day, even for a short period, the chances of success are much greater than relying on motivation and willpower. This is a great book that talks about the science behind small daily habits for weight loss:

https://www.amazon.com/Mini-Habits-W...C3AA7D02DAHGZ0
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post #9 of 36 (permalink) Old 06-06-2017, 07:54 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Dealing with loss of physical attraction

Thank you all for your help. I have tried working out WITH her many, many times and it yields nothing but additional frustration because she gives up so easily and/or starts coming up with excuses. It's almost like she's purposefully difficult when I try to work out with her so I give up on it and leave her alone.

But that is not what I started this thread for. We can talk about that for years. What I want to know is how do I deal with this resentment I feel? I'm trying to have faith that she will do it, and like I said I am starting to do some serious working out in front of her so maybe she will start to feel pressured to do the same, but in the meantime, how do I deal with the fact that I am completely and totally un-attracted to her? I think she's pretty in the face, but I'm hard pressed to find another feature I'm attracted to, and it's really depressing...
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post #10 of 36 (permalink) Old 06-06-2017, 08:00 PM
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Re: Dealing with loss of physical attraction

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Originally Posted by StuckInLove View Post
Thank you all for your help. I have tried working out WITH her many, many times and it yields nothing but additional frustration because she gives up so easily and/or starts coming up with excuses. It's almost like she's purposefully difficult when I try to work out with her so I give up on it and leave her alone.

But that is not what I started this thread for. We can talk about that for years. What I want to know is how do I deal with this resentment I feel? I'm trying to have faith that she will do it, and like I said I am starting to do some serious working out in front of her so maybe she will start to feel pressured to do the same, but in the meantime, how do I deal with the fact that I am completely and totally un-attracted to her? I think she's pretty in the face, but I'm hard pressed to find another feature I'm attracted to, and it's really depressing...
I think you are going to have to be honest with her about this, however uncomfortable for both of you. Be transparent.

Are you still able to get erect and have sex with her? Or is she now physically a complete turnoff to you?


One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #11 of 36 (permalink) Old 06-06-2017, 08:01 PM
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Re: Dealing with loss of physical attraction

Tell her that she is too large for you and that you want an open marriage so you can **** hotter chicks.


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post #12 of 36 (permalink) Old 06-06-2017, 09:35 PM
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Re: Dealing with loss of physical attraction

Speaking a as a woman, I would appreciate the honesty even if it was hard to take. Because if you thought weight was a marriage deal breaker I would want to redeem myself.

But there are women who do not care if your bothered or not, because they think you will never leave.

Talk to her get your feelings on the table, before thoughts of divorce hit. You really seems to care about your wife and are trying hard, now it's her turn to try but you need to tell her what you need from her.



You do matter!
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post #13 of 36 (permalink) Old 06-06-2017, 10:08 PM
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Re: Dealing with loss of physical attraction

I would also say talk to her opening about it.. I have been in you place as well. we divorced for many another things but this was part of it. And I can tell you more things will come from it. It turned so bad for me that I told her during sex that I could not stand it anymore. And I could only get a hard on if I was me wanting to have sex. And guys you know what I'm talking about; the need!! not want!! So if you find yourself there I would say be honest, hold no punches because its not going to get better. I now for 3 years almost have a girl that I and crazy over and is in shape and it is the best. I don't look at another girls because I know what I have and its good. My ex was pretty in the face and when we meet, but jut like someone just said there are females that think youll never leave and that's what I had. I was honest and she didn't take my thoughts seriously, so I left. But sex is a critical part of a relationship/marriage. I didn't know that until I meant with my girl/wife now.
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post #14 of 36 (permalink) Old 06-06-2017, 11:02 PM
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Re: Dealing with loss of physical attraction

"Truly in love" and not attracted to your wife due to her weight, seems at odds. If you are having problems now, just wait until you both get to our age. Not too long ago my once hot wife asked me how can I still be sexually attracted to her at the age of 64. I told her that I love her and when I look at her, I see the young girl I married. That my friend, is true love. Basing your attraction to someone you love on their appearance is not unconditional love. much less true love. Your problem is not your wife. Look inward.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.

Last edited by Vinnydee; 06-08-2017 at 01:25 AM.
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post #15 of 36 (permalink) Old 06-06-2017, 11:16 PM
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Re: Dealing with loss of physical attraction

So her BMI is probably around 33, and she is obese.
If she is as lazy as you say, the chances of her having long term success are slim (pun not intended).
Is SHE at all bothered by her weight? It sounds like she may be not well proportioned and is carrying the bulk of it in her legs?
What did she look like when you married?

She may need medical intervention at some point if she cannot get this under control, she will be morbidly obese in a few more years.

Weight of a wife has to be one of the touchiest subjects in a marriage. I don't envy the spot you are sitting in.

Ciao,

Spicy
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