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What do you think makes your marriage work?

6K views 37 replies 25 participants last post by  VladDracul 
#1 ·
Looking forward to hearing your thoughts.
 
#3 ·
I think the thing that makes ANY relationship last is honesty. It doesn't matter if is a casual relationship, deep friendship, marriage or ever divorced. Honesty is the basis of trust that is at the root the foundation of the relationship. All to often relationships fall apart because they are not based on honesty. Rather they are built on expectations and anticipation. So people get married because the expect their spouse to be X and they anticipate Y from them. When the expectations and anticipated results are not found, the result is resentment, which then undermines whatever had been there holding the relationship together.
I think if more people were willing to be honest (mainly with themselves especially going onto a relationship) that there would be less acrimonious endings to relationships (ie nasty brutal divorces). I am not sure most marriages would survive such honesty, but at the very least the couples could agree to part amiably as it is now known that that would be in their best interests. And still maintain some sort of relationship
It all starts with honesty.
 
#6 ·
We give each other a lot of space. We both still work. I had a great year and told my wife this might be a good time to retire... while I'm on top. She said, go ahead and retire but you're not going to staying around the house all day. Well, I'm still working and so is she.

We have our own interest, hobbies and friends. I've learned to yes dear, no you're alway right.. its working.

I'm loosing my hearing. that's really a big help in keeping us together.

The other day I said, I like being 75. She said I wish I was 35 again. And I said... So do I! Well, back to my hobbies!! 52 yrs of marriage and 54 as lovers. She's the only person I want to be around more than an hour.
 
#22 ·
The secret to a long marriage: Men: marry someone smarter than you.
I would wholeheartedly agree with that statement, except for the mere fact that my RSXW was also quite smart and deceptive enough to carry on covert affairs with boyfriends from her past, all during the course of our marriage, without me having had the first damned clue!
 
#10 ·
Communication because you can't work together without understanding. Acquiescence, compromise. Willingness to change when needed. Being goal oriented. Self-confidence. Both of us have a strong sense of self, so it is easier for both of us to give up stuff when necessary. Character, loyalty, and love. The usual.
 
#11 ·
It's you and your spouse against the world!! Don't depend on the kids, relatives,etc. Always keep the wagons circled! I was told this many years ago by a man who had been married 50 yrs. Thought he was BS's me. But, now that we've been married 52, I know it was right. there is comfort knowing that made this far...

We haven't always been honest with each other... we're human... but it sure made for great make up sex!!
 
#19 ·
This made me lol! :D
 
#14 ·
I've thought about this many times.... what makes us work so well together.. why we haven't gotten bored with each other or wanted anyone else, after all these years ... it comes down to 1 word : "Compatibility".... it's not that he's so great, or I am so anything...we both have our shortcomings...yet they seem easy to live with somehow... they may create "bumps in the road" at times.... but never something that could rip us apart.... as so much else is what we long for....the emotional needs are satisfied...

Now put either one of us with someone else, it could be a horrific match...

It's compatibility on a # of levels... @Ynot spoke of honesty.. it's absolutely essential.. "Sincerity of heart".... TRUST.....My husband has always given me this.. he has been a little passive in the past.. gotten better.. but honest/ sincere.. always. Me.. I couldn't help but be... though I have a tendency to be "brutally honest" (his words)... thank God he can put up with me! In this...the GOOD far outweighs the bad.... I am also very sentimental, validating, and expressive when I am happy....when I appreciate what he's done, how me makes me feel... he's told me I am "easy to live with"... but that's due to his treating me so good too ... it's a circle of giving on both ends... a feedback loop that inspires us both... despite those "bumps in the road" that always end in make up sex..

We just "GET" each other in a fundamental way... we LIKE the same sort of people/ friends. ..we've had the same dreams from early on, wanting a family, living in the country....did we just "grow together" or just KNEW what we wanted .... I don't know.. maybe a little of both...we've influenced each other....we're both "homebody-ish" , touchy-feely types, careful spenders, both enjoy the togetherness, share the same values, political rants too... it just works... I love his dry sense of humor....we enjoy bantering often.. communication is one of our greatest assets...

We still fight now & then but even in that.. he's humble, I will humble myself... I may have to do that more often- as I am more of a hot head.... but I've learned from his example...we genuinely want to please the other.... we both have a need for the other to be happy... it's like this saying...


I've always felt my husband brings out the best in me... I know he feels that too... we're just good for each other.. Yeah it's a lot of mush ;)...
 
#18 ·
Your posts are always so heartwarming, SA. So glad to see you on this thread. :)
 
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#29 ·
^This really. Biggest for me and our marriage working is always doing things together. Even if my W likes to do something I do not care for I go along with bells on! But there is nothing my W does that I do not like to do. This generates a sense of looking forward to that activity and being together.

Also, I choose my battles wisely. For years I had battles. As I grow older, I have found that 99.99% of the time there really should not have been a blink of an eye let alone a battle.

And to add, after 23 years we still are very lustful for each other and enjoy sex frequently. The connection keeps strong as a result. Many stories of marriage problems here at TAM you will find that all have a same theme. Neglecting each other and complacency.
 
#17 ·
My husband inspires me. And I am transparent with him.

That is probably it in a nutshell.
 
#21 ·
Agreed.

Gottman says the success of a relationship depends on the man. I think he is right.
 
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#26 ·
I think the two greatest assets to our marriage are that we're okay talking to each other about anything- absolutely anything- because we know that our goal is to make each other and the relationship better. On my end, I know that my gratitude towards him for being a good man and a good husband pays off and makes him more affectionate and an even better man and better husband in return. So gratitude would be another thing.
 
#30 ·
For us it's mutual respect coupled with listening to the other and a desire to come to a mutual agreement. We realize that our perceptions and knowledge of context are not the same so when we have a difference of understanding we try to understand why our views are different. Once we understand each others context issues and problems are easy to resolve.

We continue to make and reserve time for each other despite our busy schedules.

We work towards the benefit of the marriage and not just ourselves.

Aine's facetious comment is also true. We also seem to know when we need space. Sometimes it's best to leave someone alone.

Forgiveness.
 
#32 ·
Different things at different times. Marriage is two people reading together.

The relationships that are troubled have some thing in common.

One day while you are reading you discover that your partner is on a different page then a different chapter, a different book and finally you realize that they are in a different library.

Good relationships stay in sync. You learn together, cry together and lean on each other more and more. It becomes your mission to make the life of your partner as good as it can be while maintaining your self respect. You are always on the same page with your partner.
 
#34 ·
Honestly, I think luck plays a big role. My first engagement ended when my fiancée cheated on me. So, I can't say my "picker instinct" is perfect. My wife and I work well together, but it can be a crapshoot out there. You might Think you have the right one only to get a rude awakening later.

For us, it has a lot to do with communication and mutual respect. Yes, we have arguments, but neither of us wants to hurt the other, so they remain fairly infrequent and generally calm.
 
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