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Can you give an example of how you misinterpret? For instance what do you hear Vs what the other person said.
Maybe it's that I think that I am being clear but I its not clear for him. Another words I am speaking womenglish to a man who speaks menenglish. He seems to listen, he looks at me and answers appropriately but I am never sure what he heard. I am tempted to ask him to repeat what I said but Mr C does not like to be treated like one of the kids. So I just hope for the best.
It is funny how he interprets what I say. An example - I forgot to get something from the grocery store to bake cookie for the kids school on Mon. It was Sat and he was going out so I asked him to pick it up for me. He came back home with out it. I said oh you forgot the ..., he said no I didn't your said you needed it for Mon so I'll pick it up Sun.
I didnt mention that I wanted to bake Sat so I wouldn't rush on Sun. I couldn't get mad, I just had to laugh. It's really funny.
I guess it would help to tell us how to be explicit. I think some women think they are being clear but it clear to them not to him.
BTW I don't think men are stupid. They are very difficult for me to decode sometimes. I am getting better but at times the miscommunication between myself and my husband makes me think that when I do understand him it is because even random shots hit the target sometimes. ;8} Posted via Mobile Device
Yep that sounds familiar
I have a really bad cold/flu. So I asked my husband to get me some Mucinex while he was out yesterday. I asked him to not get me the liquid because I hate the taste of those syrups. I was very clear. So he came home with ... you guessed it... with the liquid. Why... I think all he heard of my request was " blah blah blah Mucinex blah blah blah Liquid blah blah blah "
No I did not complain when he handed me the bottle of goop... I’m taking it. It tastes terrible. At least I have something to help me through this.
Sigh
I only wish this nonsense was the worst of our problems
Location: On a clear day, I can see Mt. Rainier ... but you can't count on the days to be clear here ...
Posts: 1,863
Re: Ladies, please don't give us hints
Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl
Shy_Guy,
You sound like a real sweetheart. I hope your wife feels lucky to have you just as you seem to feel lucky to have her.
What are things that I would tell guys? Here's one. Spend at least 15 hours a week with your wife doing date-like things. This would be just the two of you... walking and holding hands, having coffee and talking to each other one or two weekly dates.
When it comes to the weekly dates. Treat them as real dates. Where you plan them, get the babysitter, etc. This shows her that YOU want to take her out. It's romantic.
What I would like if my husband were listening is for him to plan one date and I do the next. It gives each of us a chance to treat the other as though we were still dating.
The walks are something we do, and always holding hands or arms around each other. Tea is something we do, but the date nights? That's brilliant! And I never thought of it. See what I mean? At our stage in life, the kids no longer need a babysitter (Only one is still at home even). I like the idea of alternating on planning it, too.
The walks are something we do, and always holding hands or arms around each other. Tea is something we do, but the date nights? That's brilliant! And I never thought of it. See what I mean? At our stage in life, the kids no longer need a babysitter (Only one is still at home even). I like the idea of alternating on planning it, too.
Thank you
You are so welcome.
Does your wife like to dress up? A lot of women do but never get a chance to as our culture has become so casual. So if she likes to dress up, make sure some of those dates give her a chance to really get prettied up. Where she can buy a new dresss and feel like the bell of the ball. Some of us women really like that stuff.
Location: On a clear day, I can see Mt. Rainier ... but you can't count on the days to be clear here ...
Posts: 1,863
Re: Ladies, please don't give us hints
Quote:
Originally Posted by Catherine602
Can you give an example of how you misinterpret? For instance what do you hear Vs what the other person said.
Let me give you the process, then you can probably guess where it short-circuits. Please forgive me since I am in R&D in the computer software business ... I get so bogged down in details and processes sometimes ... But before I get started, let me define one term: For us, a buffer is a small amount of memory that holds a small amount of information when it comes in faster than it can be processed, or if it needs to be held for a short time because something else is processing.
The way my mind actually works when I'm listening to someone is something I've wondered about. I don't know if this is normal male processing, or because I have an attention problem, or if this is uniquely me, but here's what happens.
Thoughts run through my mind MUCH faster than I can speak them. It becomes like a type of mental panorama because I switch between thoughts and tasks very rapidly. Even when I'm focused on one task, several other tasks and thoughts find time to process in my mind literally between steps in the task I'm supposed to be focusing on.
It literally is so fast that I have found that my comprehension actually increases if I increase the speed in video playbacks that we watch. I retain the most if the video plays back at 1.5 times the original speed. The reason is that my mind doesn't have time to wander between words.
This rapid switching between tasks is a part of what makes me a good problem solver, and gives me success in research. My mind switches between sometimes unrelated tasks so fast that sometimes it juxtaposes two ideas, and suddenly, the light comes on and I have a newly developing concept or a newly found connection on a problem. I don't think it's random because it is too consistent, but I don't have a complete explanation on how my mind juxtaposes the two thoughts to make this new connection. I've found this description to resonate with some of my colleages as they say they are very much like me in the actual mechanics of their thoughts.
Now take this mental process and put someone into it who begins talking to me. There seems to be a buffer between my ears and my mind. It won't hold much, but it will literally hold a sentence or a question. When someone speaks to me and I am in my cognitive processing mode, their question goes into that mental buffer - I hear it, but I didn't understand it at the moment it was spoken. When the current flurry of task switching in my mind slows just a bit, that question or sentence gets processed, and then I understand what was said a few seconds earlier ... or at least I THINK I understand it. I think this may be a place where the short-circuiting comes in. It may be that it gets scrambled a bit in my "buffer," and when I get the chance to understand it, I get it in a little bit of a modified state. It also may be that my mind, outside of conscious control, shortens it down to the basic keywords like EleGirl described with the cough syrup ... I'm not sure here ... I'll have to think on it some more. The phenomenon I'm talking about causes a delay between the time I'm asked a question and the time I answer. My wife and I jokingly call this my "5 second delay."
If I'm walking with my wife, I can completely focus on what we're talking about, and I don't seem to have the mental flurries that make it difficult for me to respond. However; if I've been sitting and thinking or working for a while, if she comes in and talks to me at that point, there is a guaranteed occurrence of my 5 second delay. If we're sitting over a cup of tea together, then it may happen, and it may not - depends on what else is going on in my mind, and it's not something that I just "focus and snap out of it." So as you can guess, I do my best listening while we're walking together.
Location: On a clear day, I can see Mt. Rainier ... but you can't count on the days to be clear here ...
Posts: 1,863
Re: Ladies, please don't give us hints
Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl
You are so welcome.
Does your wife like to dress up? A lot of women do but never get a chance to as our culture has become so casual. So if she likes to dress up, make sure some of those dates give her a chance to really get prettied up. Where she can buy a new dresss and feel like the bell of the ball. Some of us women really like that stuff.
The way you describe your mind working is the mind of a very intelligent person. The mind of the average person does not work like that. Your mind is asynchronous. I think that the mind of the average person is much more synchronous.
I’m a woman. My mind works like yours. I know my husband’s mind does as well. This is not a male vs female phenomenon. I have that 5 second delay that you talk about. Some people think I’m dingy because of it. But it’s because the question has to wait for its turn in the processing queue.
Here’s what I think happen in the male mind….
The data in the input buffer has a header with info indicating the source, the source code = “WIFE”.
The male processing unit, seeing sourceCode=="WIFE", skims only for keywords and discards the rest.. Hence the liquid cough medicine.
Location: On a clear day, I can see Mt. Rainier ... but you can't count on the days to be clear here ...
Posts: 1,863
Re: Ladies, please don't give us hints
Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl
Shy_guy,
The way you describe your mind working is the mind of a very intelligent person. The mind of the average person does not work like that. Your mind is asynchronous. I think that the mind of the average person is much more synchronous.
I’m a woman. My mind works like yours. I know my husband’s mind does as well. This is not a male vs female phenomenon. I have that 5 second delay that you talk about. Some people think I’m dingy because of it. But it’s because the question has to wait for its turn in the processing queue.
Here’s what I think happen in the male mind….
The data in the input buffer has a header with info indicating the source, the source code = “WIFE”.
The male processing unit, seeing sourceCode=="WIFE", skims only for keywords and discards the rest.. Hence the liquid cough medicine.
It's actually good to compare notes and to hear a woman tell me her mind functions very similarly to mine.
And I'm absolutely stealing that analogy and telling it to my colleagues
My husband is really good in knowing when somethings not quite right. His intuition is very accurate! I am quite surprised with this.
You are absolutely right. My husband and I have zero problems communicating with each other. We talk through out the day everyday, even when he is at work. We are each others best friend. I'm right to the point and have no issues telling my husband exactly how I feel or what I want/need. When it comes to sex, we have our "codes" when we are in the mood. We use codes because our children are always near us unless we lock ourselves in our bedroom, which then we find something for them to do, so they don't come knocking on the door.
He does the same thing. We are not those type that hint around, we are straight to the point! Posted via Mobile Device
Location: On a clear day, I can see Mt. Rainier ... but you can't count on the days to be clear here ...
Posts: 1,863
Re: Ladies, please don't give us hints
Catherine, I didn't ignore what you were saying. It just took me a little longer to think through that. I have a few things I'd say back.
On giving options: I would have a little bit of a hangup on this because it would sound to me like I was giving my wife a sales job: Where I give options to choose from but none of them are "no." In sex in particular, I really want my wife to participate with me rather than just being sold on it by me. However; I think this would be something I could overcome if I knew she wanted me to take this approach. Other things we do in sex makes me think I could overcome this. The options might be limited, though, and may not include what she really wanted.
I have to tell you, I might have interpreted what you told your husband exactly the same way he did. (I also might have forgotten on purpose hoping to go back to the store together if I really thought we might, though, especially if I was going out again on Sun ... well, probably not, but it would have crossed my mind ) The reason I think I might have interpreted it that way is because I would think there was a reason for the details you gave me in the days you had to have it done. However; I think I've learned enough to clarify when I'm initially not sure of the meaning of details. I probably would have asked, "So on this trip, you want me to come out of the store with ... "
There's another reason I might have learned to ask like this, and it isn't because of menenglish vs womenenglish. My wife's and my first languages are different, so even though we each speak the other's language, I'm accustomed to sometimes having to clarify in order to be sure I have the meaning correct. Same for her. (Actually, when we're talking to each other, we usually speak in a hybrid of the two languages which is doubly interesting because the grammar of the two languages is so vastly different.) I'm not sure of the answer here other than to say it is very possible that I would have interpreted what you said the same way your husband did.
Going back to earlier in the thread, we had a misunderstanding, so I'm wondering if this is a case of the menenglish vs. womenenglish you're talking about. I'm curious what it was in my post that made you think I didn't want you to post on this thread. Did I throw up an emotional barrier when I used third person to refer to myself? or was it something entirely different? I'm not being confrontational here, I'm just wondering what it was that triggered that understanding from you.
What I'm more interested in would be suggestions from bright ladies such as you. First, you may need to define for me what you mean by "harp on him." Do you mean you have to repeat because he's not catching it the first time? Or do you mean that you dislike having to tell him what you find romantic because you want him to figure it out.
I consider 'harping' if I have to repeat something more than 3 times (the 3 strike rule, I call it).
In the romantic arena, for instance, I will tell my H that I really like something in particular, and really want to do that. Sometimes, he does, sometimes he doesn't, sometimes it's not repeated again unless I again verbalize it. So, yes, I would like him to be able to figure it out after he has been explicitly told it.
I typically dislike having to repeat myself - whether it's in romantic encounters or not. Goes back to that *listening* thing again, and something sometimes more than that. We can 'listen' with our ears/eyes, but if it's not in our *heart* to do what we hear, then we are no further along.
This is one of the continuing sagas we have in our marriage - especially as I am a 'word' person and verbalize more and would like him to do that back, and he is not naturally that way - we really both have to stretch ourselves. Guess that's what it's all about. Because I am also by nature very impatient, and I have had to curb that and learn to be more patient - with my H and everyone!
.On giving options: I would have a little bit of a hangup on this because it would sound to me like I was giving my wife a sales job: Where I give options to choose from but none of them are "no." In sex in particular, I really want my wife to participate with me rather than just being sold on it by me. However; I think this would be something I could overcome if I knew she wanted me to take this approach. Other things we do in sex makes me think I could overcome this.
This is a great thread Shy.
Never thought of that interpretation. He likes going with the flow of where ever passion takes us. Maybe he feels he is telling me how to feel. Not his style nor mine. Got to work on talking about sex. I can write to strangers but not talk to my H. Strange.
Quote:
Originally Posted by shy_guy
have to tell you, I might have interpreted what you told your husband exactly the same way he did. (I also might have forgotten on purpose hoping to go back to the store together if I really thought we might, though, especially if I was going out again on Sun.) The reason I think I might have interpreted it that way is because I would think there was a reason for the details you gave me in the days you had to have it done. However; I think I've learned enough to clarify when I'm initially not sure of the meaning of details. I probably would have asked, "So on this trip, you want me to come out of the store with ... "
This is so on target! "Just the facts, ma'am" Sgt. Joe Friday, Dragnet. If I said "Please get me bla bla from the store", full stop. I would have gotten what I wanted; when I wanted it. I knew which of the details were important but he didn't. Like EleGirls Mucinex.
Adding detail is just nice conversation to me, paring things down to the bare bones seems rather stilted, but if it works who cares.
Quote:
Originally Posted by shy_guy
back to earlier in the thread, we had a misunderstanding, so I'm wondering if this is a case of the menenglish vs. womenenglish you're talking about. I'm curious what it was in my post that made you think I didn't want you to post on this thread. Did I throw up an emotional barrier when I used third person to refer to myself? or was it something entirely different? I'm not being confrontational here, I'm just wondering what it was that triggered that understanding from you.
Great question. your post "You know, Catherine and EleGirl, these threads mostly give men a chance to talk because the OP is a man . The OP here thinks it would be a good idea if some of you ladies who are good writers would also start threads that give the ladies a chance to talk to us. Are there things you want to tell us?"
I interpreted this to mean that you started the thread to elicit responses from men and if women had anything to say they should start their own.
I have been invited out of the Men's Clubhouse many times, so i thought you were inviting me out of your thread.
****** I like going to the Men's Clubhouse to annoy the guys who hang out in the man cave.
Me and my husband seem to have some of both the male and female characteristics each. I cannot take hints. At all. I ask him to clarify, he answers, and I reply back: "Yes, but what does that mean?". This must have something to do with the language of our relationship being his native language, not mine, but also it is a difference in communication styles where mine is very straightforward and his is more polite and descriptive — and such, in my eyes, sometimes incomprehensible.
So this scenario is far too familiar in our house, only with the roles reversed:
Quote:
If you start telling me and I answer with, “But I did X, Y, and Z,” I’m not telling you I’m faultless, nor am I saying you’re selfish. What I’m saying is that I honestly thought I was doing what you are asking. Please understand that and tell me how this is different so I can understand it.
On the other hand, despite being straightforward, what I'm not is to the point. I take my time coming to the real issue. I like talking about everything related and all the feelings coming up to the fact. I think I am clarifying the situation by providing as many details as possible. My husband hates that haha. He starts to look like he is in agony, his forehead wrinkles and finally he gets frustrated and tells me it's too much, could I just "get to the point".
I think we both have quite complex minds as well. He is extremely intelligent and constantly solving problems in his head, which causes his mind to be too "full" to take in all the information I give about any given situation. My mind is more of a creative wonderer, I get lost in details and thinking about different options. Which causes me to always want to elaborate and think about the different sides of a conflict that we're having for example. Boy, do we get in trouble.
Obviously, both of us should truly listen to each other more and show that we're doing that, in ways that the other one can understand. In addition to that, I should learn to speak more to the point especially when asking for something for myself (to make sure his attention span lasts to get it), and my husband could maybe learn to sometimes tolerate my in depth descriptions, so I would feel like he appreciates what I'm sharing with him.
Oh, just realized I was reading the "Long Term Success" forum. Well, feel free to kick me out, if you wish. We don't really even have short term success yet. Just good intentions.
Location: On a clear day, I can see Mt. Rainier ... but you can't count on the days to be clear here ...
Posts: 1,863
Re: Ladies, please don't give us hints
Quote:
Originally Posted by tiredandout
Oh, just realized I was reading the "Long Term Success" forum. Well, feel free to kick me out, if you wish. We don't really even have short term success yet. Just good intentions.
One thing I can promise you: Nobody wants to kick you off for posting here. I wish you long term success.
I'm interested in the way you and your husband communicate since I also have a bi-lingual marriage. Do you communicate in a pure form of his language all the time? or do you usually use a hybrid of the two languages?
BTW, I have a "story" I wrote and entered into a writing contest that gave humorous anecdotes from our marriage and the unique misunderstandings that come from such bilingual situations in our life together. I won't post it publicly because doing so would give away my identity and I want anonymity while here, but I understand the situation. I hope you both have a good sense of humor ...
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Re: Ladies, please don't give us hints 
Yep that sounds familiar
