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Men, please listen (and not just hear) when we speak

16K views 67 replies 39 participants last post by  anchorwatch 
#1 ·
So, after reading shy_guy's very insightful post about what he (and for similar men) would like from women, I think it's also fair for us to do the same.

I titled the post to be similar to shy_guy's. It made me laugh when someone posted that all she thought her husband heard was "blah blah blah Musinex blah blah blah liquid" because I often think all men hear is the voice from Charlie Brown.

Anyhoo... here's my best stab at something similar.

==============================================

1. Please listen and not just hear us when we speak.

There are differences to the two: hearing us is basically hearing background noise. "Pick up deodorant". Listening is when you actually got the details of what we were saying. "Pick up the same deodorant I use". This is where I also fall into the trap of ASSUMING he knows or HOPING he'd be smart enough to check out what deodorant I use or know to go to where I keep it to find out. I learned that I have to specifically say what brand, what scent and sometimes what it looks like. I had to get over the fact that he doesn't care to waste time to figure all that stuff out when it was easier for me to tell him.

Men FAIL
: Hearing only "Pick up deodorant"
Women FAIL: Be specific. STOP assuming he knows.

2. Reciprocate.

Myth: Women/Wives love to clean the house, do laundry, cook dinner... yada yada.
Truth: We (or majority of us) do it because we like a clean house, clean clothes and food.. not because we enjoy it. We (or marjority of us) would also prefer to come home, sit in front of the TV and have things magically done for us.

We nag/b!tch because we have a reason to. If we feel like we are doing more work than you are, that'll begin the nagging/b!tching. I would prefer that while I'm cooking dinner, H is putting in a load of laundry or putting away dishes. Then we can eat together, cleanup and wash the dishes together and then have our down time TOGETHER. It really irritates me that as soon as I get home, I'm busting my butt to prepare dinner, wash/put away the dishes from that morning, have supper ready for H then have him retire himself to the den after dinner so he can relax only to leave me in the kitchen to clean up and wash more dishes. You think I'm going to be happy after that? NOPE.

Share the chores, share the nag free quiet happiness together.

I'm working on this by the way...it's not a free ticket!

3. Just because we're married, it doesn't mean I'm dead.

I know this is an issue for many people and we're no different. Each couple differs in in this department though. Personally, I would love it if my H complimented me more. I get the odd "you're cute" every few months. That's the extent. This wouldn't be an issue if there were physical things he did to show me that he's still attracted. I'm not asking for a compliment about everything, every day but it would be so nice to be complimented on odd days or when I put an extra effort.

Of course I can't put anything to do with sexuality in this post because being on here long enough has taught me that both men and women can be sexually deprived. So nothing in this department.

4. Talking about your issues/feelings is NOT a sign of weakness.

Ok, we get it. If you "talk about your feelings" other guys might think you're lame or a pansy. But what you fail to realize is that you would save yourself and your wife or S.O. so much wasted energy and time by just spitting it out. By not telling us what's going on, we automatically ASSUME and that's when we get creative with our thoughts. On the flip side, we women should also STOP saying the word "fine" or "It's fine". This does nothing but piss off men. Communicate, communicate, communicate!!

Men FAIL: Talking about my feelings is lame. It'll go away.
Women FAIL: FINE.

=========================================

This can go on and on and is not an exhaustive list but a good start I would think.

I also have to put a disclaimer that every situation is different. I am NOT painting everyone with the same brush but merely stating some things that are ON AVERAGE, a pretty good representation of situations.

And remember; Men, you fight with fists and are physical about it. We, on the other hand, do not... we fight a great game of mental warfare ;). LOL!

Like it, love it, hate it... it's my view/opinion.

ENJOY!!
 
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#2 ·
agreed

everything you said i think everyone should know. However most people are failures and so will there marriages fail its a sad world really. So with that said you mention things that are obvious and i would really question the supposed "love" of ones partner if they were unwilling to listen or help around the house. If your partner is not doing the above and not having a desire to compliment you or please you than you have some serious issues.

So sad to ready so many of these fail stories on here but its just further proof of how incapable most people are of proper decision making and inability to get past selfish and hedonistic point of view of the world leads to there own suffering and turmoil they bring this upon themselves often. I do give sympathy to those who are betrayed that sucks but they are responsible for the poor decision making of choosing a poorly fit partner. So sad it can be anyhow i do agree with all that you said good post.
 
#11 ·
I meant this post to have positive connotations, not negative at all. What you're implying is that we're all doomed and should never get married. We all have our short comings... and I was hoping to help tell people like me, our side of the story so that those who are on the other side of my story can slowly begin to understand how people like me work.

Yes, it should be obvious to people to just treat each other well, but it isn't. Even common sense should no longer be called common because not everyone gets it. Human beings are intellectual creatures and there's still hope for us all. Yes it IS really sad to hear when marriages don't work but it isn't the constitution of marriage that isn't working, it's the two people that do not work well together. Marriage is wonderful; with the right person.

Yes my H has his short comings but he's also the greatest love of my life. He is my strength when I cannot be and my silliness when I need a smile. I too have my moments and I'm not perfect, but it's our differences that compliment each other.

Even with our issues, even in reading the failings and the struggles of others on here, there's still hope for love and I hope you can find it.
 
#3 ·
Everything you said pretty much hit on everything I would haha The only thing is that my H does do laundry more than I do, he does get on cleaning kicks once in a while, but a lot of times my day consists of taking an hour in the morning to drop kids off where they need to be, go to work, make the opposite trip back home to pick up the kids, dinner, homework, cleaning/dishes, baths, animals and if he hasn't done it, laundry....sometimes all of this is going on while he is laying back in the bed watching tv all night....talk about frustrating!!! haha but I choose to do it because I have to have my house in some kind of order or it drives me crazy!!!!

Before I end this though, I am going to give my H the credit he is due because he does help more than most around the house and with the kids.
 
#5 ·
I agree with you but oddly enough the things you say about how women think and feel apply to me.

and no I am not homosexual. I guess i'm just in touch with my feminine side.
 
#10 ·
I agree. I've fallen into this trap a few times and most of us are not oblivious to this fact. I know for myself, I'm trying to learn how my H can HEAR me better as we all know, not every man is made the same. It will take some time for me to really understand what approach he responds too.

So true. My husband shuts right down if I start talking about feelings. I keep telling him I don't have a crystal ball. I want to know how he feels so I can do the good things more and the bad things less. I also wish he'd compliment me more and realize the contributions I bring to this family. That can be done by listening to what I need emotionally. I certainly tell him, but go back to the beginning where he doesn't listen if he doesn't want to hear it. Ugh
Another frustrated person :(. It's sad because we women (& those men who share our frustration) find it so difficult to do this. If we tell our H or W often that "I don't like when you do this or don't do this or I wish you'd do this more often..." then the other one considers it to be nagging or complaining when all we're saying is "pay attention to me, my needs are just as valuable as yours". We get ignored enough...then we eventually stop. One day we say we're leaving or we blow up or something drastic and you say, "Well that came out of the blue, I had no clue!" If you listened, not just with your ears, with your eyes and your heart, you would've known that I've been broken for far too long.

Not long ago, I was watching a television show how the state of California wants to introduce having brain scans of couples done before the applying for a marriage license, (much like blood work is required.) The thought was, it would cut down the divorce rate, bc sometime no matter what , the brains just don't click.

When scans were shown to the couples who were tested over different emotions, it was interesting to see how each brain reacted differently ...

~sammy
The state of California no longer requires a blood test for marriage licenses (according to my younger daughter who just got her marriage license this last week from CA). I would find this new requirement to be rather disturbing - not enough understanding yet of such things for any of this to be meaningful. That doesn't mean that some knuckleheaded politician won't try to require it, but I'd be very much opposed to such a thing.
Should we also start to have people apply for licenses in order to have kids because there are some REALLY horrible parents out there too...

That's quite disturbing.
 
#7 ·
So true. My husband shuts right down if I start talking about feelings. I keep telling him I don't have a crystal ball. I want to know how he feels so I can do the good things more and the bad things less. I also wish he'd compliment me more and realize the contributions I bring to this family. That can be done by listening to what I need emotionally. I certainly tell him, but go back to the beginning where he doesn't listen if he doesn't want to hear it. Ugh
 
#44 ·
On a more serious note to my previous post, I am a bit of a stewer and a bottler upper.
Mrs Wysh has got very good at spotting when something is worrying/bugging me and will call me out on it. there is no hiding place.
She says that one of the most benficial changes that I have made within our marriage is that I listen and talk more.

Incidentally, I don't know if it is just me but I find one of the best places to talk is in bed. I find myself very much more open there. We will often snuggle up and chat about the day, week, whatever is bugging me etc.
 
#8 ·
Not long ago, I was watching a television show how the state of California wants to introduce having brain scans of couples done before the applying for a marriage license, (much like blood work is required.) The thought was, it would cut down the divorce rate, bc sometime no matter what , the brains just don't click.

When scans were shown to the couples who were tested over different emotions, it was interesting to see how each brain reacted differently ...

~sammy
 
#9 ·
The state of California no longer requires a blood test for marriage licenses (according to my younger daughter who just got her marriage license this last week from CA). I would find this new requirement to be rather disturbing - not enough understanding yet of such things for any of this to be meaningful. That doesn't mean that some knuckleheaded politician won't try to require it, but I'd be very much opposed to such a thing.
 
#14 ·
I actually think its funny that some woman would expect their man to do certain household chores. If the boot was on the other foot and my wife had to do the extremely physical job that I did she would not have lasted five minutes. 'Eh! which way do you turn a nut to open it?'

There is also the whole tone thing that woman adopt. They have a drone that causes a natural reaction in a man's brain. Hence shutdown. There needs to be voice training for woman. i.e A mute button!!

Most men are very kind - if we really talked about our feelings it would hurt you fairer folk so much that the droning would never end!

Oh and whats the difference between an intelligent woman and a dinosaur?.....................................
........................................................

I don't know I've never met either one!!!:rofl:



All in jest!!!!:D:D:D:D
 
#16 ·
I try to listen and hear and pay attention. But she will never ever ever ever ever ever stop or back down. Never. She just winds up and and up and up until it all goes to sh^t. Being attentive is useful when you're attached to someone who's not an anger junkie or pathologically unhappy and vetting all the time. All she wants to see me be an audience to that.
 
#18 ·
It's funny. I went the gym a few days ago and spent an hour with 4 women on the treadmills behind me. Even through my ear buds I heard the penetrating screeching of 4 simultaneous unrelated 'conversations'. This is the key difference between men and women. Women don't actually have to have anyone responding to them or listening to them to make it a 'conversation' as long as the other person is simply chattering away at the same time. I know of not any man ever who communicates like that. You call it 'empowered multitasking' or some such bullsh^t but it's just listening to you talk to yourself about yourself.
 
#20 · (Edited)
I consider myself to be an improving listener. I recognized I was not a good listener and thought about why. Maybe some of what I recognized about myself, and some of the things I've been able to do to help me as a listener are applicable to others.

I described the busy-ness of my mind in the "Don't give us hints" thread on the second or third page. I was told by one of the bright ladies on the board that the functioning of my mind is not uniquely male. Whether it is, or isn't, it was still what got in the way of me really listening to my wife. However; I noticed I listened well at work when we got into involved problems ... so where's the connection?

My wife and I spend a lot of time in different worlds. That doesn't stop when we get in each other's presence. I need to make an effort to get into her world, and she needs to recognize this about me and help me get into her world, and get into mine. If I'm just sitting, my mind is so busy that I don't process what she's telling me. So:

My wife is a very good hiker as am I. When we hike together, I noticed I listen very well - it's something we're doing together. My emotions are in neutral, and I don't get frustrated at interruptions because we are working on this together. I translated that into daily walks. She walks during the day with her friends, but I asked her to set aside time for the two of us to walk daily - it translated. I was able to listen as we were working together, and I didn't have to fight the busy-ness of my mind to be able to listen.

I made an effort to get more involved in the housework. My wife is our household manager, so I have to ask her for tasks I can do. On the tasks that we have to do together, I find again, the busy-ness of my mind subsides, and I am much more able to listen and talk with her. An example of this was that today, we re-arranged our theater room. It took all afternoon. We worked shoulder to shoulder on it, and had great conversation as we did this. This is not different from two men working together when we can talk easily.

My wife is not going to be able to listen to me if I try to get into technical details of my job - no problem since our areas of expertise are different. She listens very well about relationships on the job, though, and she has some very good advice. I don't want to complain about my manager all the time, for example, but if I'm a bit strained with him, I find she can listen and interact very well with me. I don't want her to solve my problem, but I find she has good input. This eases the busy-ness of my mind when I can share with her on this level, and with reduced busy-ness, I find I can listen better when it's my turn to listen.

If there are things I need to do that she can help with, I'll ask her to help. So, for example, when I needed to clean the branches out of the back yard after our last ice storm, I asked her to help. I promised her I'd help her with the kitchen and with folding the laundry when I was finished. This allowed us to work together on all three tasks instead of working separately on them as would seem more natural. She didn't have to do much heavy work on the yard, but being shoulder to shoulder with her and working once again broke through the busy-ness of my mind and I was able to listen and interact much more naturally. It extended, too, especially to the folding of the laundry as again we were shoulder to shoulder working, and interaction was very natural. Of course, it's good to turn the TV off when we're doing tasks like folding laundry as that only distracts both of us. Later, when we're through with the important interaction, then we can cuddle together and watch TV (sort of ... my attention span is too short to sit through many TV shows, so this becomes a time when I try to do something nice for her - usually the time I do something like paint her toenails or massage her feet. I enjoy doing these probably even more than she enjoys having them done ... to each his own :) ).

So my suggestion is: Ladies, watch your husband and see who he can interact with and what he's doing when he can interact easily. Can you get into those types of activities with him? If so, does he listen and interact better during those activities? Also, invite him to help you (I know, I know ... ). Maybe you can share all tasks instead of splitting up and doing different tasks separately.

Guys, maybe what works for me is also useful for you. I'll let you think it through and decide.

I know it sounds like I'm blowing sunshine again. It is working for me, and I am improving - I won't call myself good just yet, but I am improving. I just thought I'd post in my story in case it is helpful to someone else.
 
#21 ·
I consider myself to be an improving listener. I recognized I was not a good listener and thought about why. Maybe some of what I recognized about myself, and some of the things I've been able to do to help me as a listener are applicable to others.

I described the busy-ness of my mind in the "Don't give us hints" thread on the second or third page. I was told by one of the bright ladies on the board that the functioning of my mind is not uniquely male. Whether it is, or isn't, it was still what got in the way of me really listening to my wife. However; I noticed I listened well at work when we got into involved problems ... so where's the connection?

My wife and I spend a lot of time in different worlds. That doesn't stop when we get in each other's presence. I need to make an effort to get into her world, and she needs to recognize this about me and help me get into her world, and get into mine. If I'm just sitting, my mind is so busy that I don't process what she's telling me. So:

My wife is a very good hiker as am I. When we hike together, I noticed I listen very well - it's something we're doing together. My emotions are in neutral, and I don't get frustrated at interruptions because we are working on this together. I translated that into daily walks. She walks during the day with her friends, but I set aside time to walk with her - it translated. I was able to listen as we were working together, and I didn't have to fight the busy-ness of my mind to be able to listen.

I made an effort to get more involved in the housework. My wife is our household manager, so I have to ask her for tasks I can do. On the tasks that we have to do together, I find again, the busy-ness of my mind subsides, and I am much more able to listen and talk with her. An example of this was that today, we re-arranged our theater room. It took all afternoon. We worked shoulder to shoulder on it, and had great conversation as we did this. This is not different from two men working together when we can talk easily.

My wife is not going to be able to listen to me if I try to get into technical details of my job - no problem since our areas of expertise are different. She listens very well about relationships on the job, though, and she has some very good advice. I don't want to complain about my manager all the time, for example, but if I'm a bit strained with him, I find she can listen and interact very well with me. I don't want her to solve my problem, but I find she has good input. This eases the busy-ness of my mind when I can share with her on this level, and with reduced busy-ness, I find I can listen better when it's my turn to listen.

If there are things I need to do that she can help with, I'll ask her to help. So, for example, when I needed to clean the branches out of the back yard after our last ice storm, I asked her to help. I promised her I'd help her with the kitchen and with folding the laundry when I was finished. This allowed us to work together on all three tasks instead of working separately on them as would seem more natural. She didn't have to do much heavy work on the yard, but being shoulder to shoulder with her and working once again broke through the busy-ness of my mind and I was able to listen and interact much more naturally. It extended, too, especially to the folding of the laundry as again we were shoulder to shoulder working, and interaction was very natural. Of course, it's good to turn the TV off when we're doing tasks like folding laundry as that only distracts both of us. Later, when we're through with the important interaction, then we can cuddle together and watch TV (sort of ... my attention span is too short to sit through many TV shows, so this becomes a time when I try to do something nice for her - usually the time I do something like paint her toenails or massage her feet. I enjoy doing these probably even more than she enjoys having them done ... to each his own :) ).

So my suggestion is: Ladies, watch your husband and see who he can interact with and what he's doing when he can interact easily. Can you get into those types of activities with him? If so, does he listen and interact better during those activities? Also, invite him to help you (I know, I know ... ). Maybe you can share all tasks instead of splitting up and doing different tasks separately.

Guys, maybe what works for me is also useful for you. I'll let you think it through and decide.

I know it sounds like I'm blowing sunshine again. It is working for me, and I am improving - I won't call myself good just yet, but I am improving. I just thought I'd post in my story in case it is helpful to someone else.
Great post! I have always encouraged couples to share in the work load--unite and conquer, not divide and conquer. 2 people doing one task get it done in 1/2 the time, and it isn't so f*cking BORING, either. So while people may argue that "we get more done" if you do x while she does y, that isn't even true. What usually happens (and research shows this) is that men finish sooner on household tasks b/c they are willing to settle for a lower standard (again, this is a generalization; some men are definitely more orderly and careful about housework than their wives, of course). The other "rule" needs to be that the person whose primary domain the work is in--usually, wives/household, husbands/yard--gets to determine when it is done to satisfactory standards (because the one with expertise understands the long term impact of lowering the standards--and lots of times, this just makes more work down the road, esp. when it comes to house work).

But working together is a great way to reduce resentment. Bring the kids in on it, too; I do my kids' chores with them when they ask, and we have great conversations, as you point out.

Obviously there are certain things that might not prove conducive to sharing the load--maybe doing the taxes? I don't know (I always did them). Anything that is mentally taxing (pun intended) might be a "one-person" task, at least at certain stages.

But your observation about how the "routine busy-ness" is a great time to share together, both the work and conversation, is so clearly stated, that I hope people "see" it and give shared housework/exercise/etc. a chance!
 
#22 ·
I recently read the book called "The secrets of happily married men" and it has a really good in-depth explanation about differences of men and women in the communication area. It has a lot to do with biological differences in our brains. Women's brains are incredibly more capable of interpreting emotion in facial expressions than men are... In fact women can usually detect moods in men before men are even aware they are showing signs of it. Men's brains on the other hand are extremely more efficient at problem-solving in a logical manner. This lends credence as to why women often get frustrated with men when the guy wants to fix her problems, because the woman may just want to be connecting to an emotional aspect of a situation whereas the guy instinctively is programmed to want to solve the issue that is causing her stress.

This to me is one of the most crucial aspects of beginning to understand miscommunication in one's relationship... Because when a man and woman can both start to understand that they are programmed by nature as different thinkers, they can both appreciate their differences and start learning how to engage each other properly.
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#23 ·
^^^^ yes!^^^^^
I think communication problems for women are equivalent to the sex problems for men. There are very few threads on the former many on the latter. .

It is good to see that someone post about communication problems. I think it is a widespread problem and affects marriages as adversely as sex problems. The effect shows up in the willingness on the part of women to have intimacy with a man who seems to refuse to meet her needs for communication.

Can make a woman feel as if she is being used for sex if the problem is severe enough.

This is a minor problem in my marriage. It has become kind of a joke. We laugh about the way he misinterprets what I say and what i say makes it difficult for him to interpret. We both changed - i have had to be more direct in my communications and he has had to listen more carefully.
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#24 ·
I agree with Runs, both are responsible for adjusting communication styles to suit the natural differences between men and women.

You can't fault men for the way they process info and you can't fault women for the way they express information. We have to compromise to remedy the problem. If one or both refuse to understand and comprimise then problems have to be anticipated.
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#26 · (Edited)
Question back to the ladies: If we've made our best effort at listening, do you mind if we have time that we just want/need to tune out? For example, if you want to watch TV for a while, and I want to listen to music and play sudoku, would you be understanding if I put on my headphones and played while you watched TV and not be upset that I don't hear anything? Would you be able to let me tune out like that for a while?

EDIT: Background: This happens with me is why I ask. I can stop it easily enough, but I don't. It's a minor irritation to me because part of the entertainment value of the game is in seeing how fast I can solve the puzzles, and the entertainment value of the music is interrupted when I take the headphones off in response to looking over and seeing the "I just said something to you" look on her face. Usually, she wants to call my attention to something in one of her home shows on TV. Honestly, I'm not that interested in the show or I would be watching it with her. Reiterating that this is after I've given her the princess treatment until she's ready for a break, I'm asking if what I'm doing would be an irritation to you ladies who say your husband is not listening to you.
 
#27 ·
I don't see anything wrong with that....I let my H tune out whenever he wants and if I have something to say or ask, unless it's urgent, I wait until I can see that he's done....That's just me though, sometimes I tune out to read or something like that so I get it....
 
#29 ·
i simply cannot continue to listen to someone who has made their point, then remade their point, then starts to repeat the process from the beginning over and over, man or woman. in fact, in the business world i will flatly tell someone that they have already made that point and there is no need to repeat it. i will listen to it from my wife to a point then i will politely say, "yes dear, we have covered that", then she will do it again
 
#30 ·
i simply cannot continue to listen to someone who has made their point, then remade their point, then starts to repeat the process from the beginning over and over, man or woman. in fact, in the business world i will flatly tell someone that they have already made that point and there is no need to repeat it.

That's a negotiation tactic. Wear them down until you get everything you want. A close cousin of "Let me ask the same question over and over and over regardless of the answer I hear" tactic.
 
#31 ·
1. Please listen and not just hear us when we speak.

There are differences to the two: hearing us is basically hearing background noise. "Pick up deodorant". Listening is when you actually got the details of what we were saying. "Pick up the same deodorant I use".


This is where I also fall into the trap of ASSUMING he knows or HOPING he'd be smart enough to check out what deodorant I use or know to go to where I keep it to find out. I learned that I have to specifically say what brand, what scent and sometimes what it looks like. I had to get over the fact that he doesn't care to waste time to figure all that stuff out when it was easier for me to tell him.
Not trying to be intentionally pedantic here, because I think you would agree.

Communication is inherently the responsibility of the communicator. It's the one consistent lesson that's pounded into our heads as managers, as writers, as speakers or any other avenue where information is conveyed via language.

If we have to fall back onto tired canards like "I would hope you would have been smart enough to figure out...." (-->Insert detail we neglected to communicate<--) then we've failed.

Here's a simple experiment: Try going an entire day without using a single demonstrative pronoun when communicating with your spouse. It's surprisingly tough!
 
#35 · (Edited)
It can go a little farther than just demonstrative pronouns to a lot of non-specific language we use. I know in our house, I often ask where something is, and I'm told what would translate to English as "It's right over there," even when we're not in the same room. Another example: there are the times when I ask where something is and I'm told "It's in the cabinets." I look and there are about 20 cabinet doors in the room where I'm standing, so I ask for clarification and it becomes "In the top." It takes several questions before we finally get to "Second door from the left on the top." It wouldn't really need to be quite that specific, but it needs to be specific enough that I think I have a reasonable starting place.
 
#37 ·
I like that there's discussion about this on both ends... all totally valid and all good!

I agree; there comes a time when we all need our quiet time. Fair enough! As much as I love my H, I do enjoy reading my book in bed while he enjoys his time with his xbox.

I also agree that there are some tasks that are just physically better suited for men and/or women.

Yup, better descriptors are also a valid thing to want when describing something. haha. But what I find hilarious about myself is that I can go on and on in detail as to what something looked like but when I have to tell H to get something or go somewhere or do something... I have to be brief. haha. But I acknowledge my shortfall and am working on it.

All this debate is great... keep at it!!
 
#38 ·
two things come to mind:

1) my wife loves to talk *at length* about her job/school/whatever - often, there's nothing for me to do but say "mmm-hmmm" and nod, or the occasional "you did fine" or "don't worry about that". I'm happy to do this, but after a really long time, it gets old and it feels like she's being really self centered. Problem is, I *don't* like to talk about my work - I'd rather leave it at the office, and so I can't do a clean reciprocation (or even get a word in edgewise, to tell the truth). I understand that she has a need for this "conversation", so I do my best to fill it. It can sure seem excessive, though, and I haven't found a great way to shut it off when I've had enough without causing problems.

2) She doesn't really want to hear about my feelings. She does if they're good and they re-enforce the stability she likes to feel, but if I feel depressed or other negative emotions, it appears to freak her out and make her very anxious. She ends those conversations as soon as she can. It may be related to the fact that I'm the primary breadwinner and if I were to spiral out of control and lose my job or something, our lives would take a big hit.
 
#39 ·
two things come to mind:

2) She doesn't really want to hear about my feelings. She does if they're good and they re-enforce the stability she likes to feel, but if I feel depressed or other negative emotions, it appears to freak her out and make her very anxious. She ends those conversations as soon as she can. It may be related to the fact that I'm the primary breadwinner and if I were to spiral out of control and lose my job or something, our lives would take a big hit.
WHOOOOAAA!!! The lights just went on. Ditto for me too. Ditto, Ditto, Ditto. Very early in our marraige I tried to talk about "my feelings" about struggling to find a good job and provide enough. I felt bad and I shared my feelings. Well, my wife reacted like she had been waiting all her life for this opportunity to ATTACK. She absolutely SAVAGED me. Demeaned me, ridiculed me, compared me to the worst person that she could think of. She did her utmost to make sure that I would never ever express thoughts like this ever again. Cut me to the core and I cried, no wept. No apology ever came, no attempt to understand me. To be honest, I never really got over this and I was more careful about expressing any fears, doubts, anxiety. After a couple more similar episides of me expressing my fears, anger, anxiety, and getting SAVAGED, I largely shutdown. In other episodes I tried to talk to her, but it was apparently an unwritten law I was not allowed to say these things, and certainly would never get empathy and support. When I tried to persist in talking and explaining, I was labelled a whinger and a complainer. Apparently it was not OK for a MAN to feel these things. I shut down or alternatively communicated in a destructive manner, in hindsite often passive-aggressive behaviour which sure didn't help things. The ony way I could show her that I was sad, angry, upset, insecure was to communicate my message in an aggressive way...or alternatively not at all. It was not a deliberate strategy on my part, just a very unhealthy way of trying to cope.

Just like you, wife was quite happy to talk about happy things, but bad things were 100% off the list of things to talk about...unless I wanted another round of emotional abuse that would scar me.
 
#40 ·
-In regards to requests like deodorant to men, Make a list and write it down. We do not know that there are 15 different fragrances of the one you use. ;~)

-In regards to compliments, accept them and quit blowing them off as " He has to say that he's my husband"

- In regards to laundry and chores, This is stuff you should talk about when you are first married. Don't fester about it for years, set guidelines about who does what and when.
Don't yell at us for putting one frilly bit in the dryer after we've been doing several loads of a laundry perfectly, we'll never offer to do it again....

-In regards to feelings, 9 times out of ten it's us figuring out what's on your mind, because you keep saying everything is "fine" ;~)
 
#41 ·
I told my wife, "while you are out, pick up some pistol ammo for me"....Did I have to say it was for my .44 special, and that I wanted the 200 grain Winchester silvertips?

Did she not know that I bought a new speed loader for my Rosi .44, and needed to fill it, and that Winchester silvertips is what I keep in my night stand gun...Sheeesh!

I mean she sleeps in the same bedroom, and knows the .44 is what I keep in the night stand.......

In my shower I have a bottle of head and shoulders daily use, and a bottle of generic body wash..

My wife has 15 bottles of shampoo, wash, yogurt conditioner, color shampoo, textured body scrub, oatmeal wash, tinted hair shampoo, bath oil, yadda yadda yadda..........

If she said get shampoo, I wouldn't have a clue, and that is without getting into coupons, bottle size, two for one sales, or rebate deals.....

I would not expect my wife to get my ammo, fishing lures, spark plugs, motor oil, lawn mower blades etc...

I have a whole lifetime of male culture and knowledge, that I don't expect her to understand.....and vice versa

On the other hand, when I get sent to the drug store for yeast infection cream, please be a little understanding if you get the 7 day cure and wanted the 3 day....You have me at a disadvantage...

In either case, a good faith effort should be accepted as good enough.....

As far as housework, I mow the yard, keep rhe cars maintained, buy most of the groceries, look out after my 95 year old dad and am a gourmet cook.

However, I find that anything I do around the house is instantly forgotten.

Yesterday, I got up and fixed breakfast for my dad and myself, cleared off the table, and got him settled in to watch TV (he is 95).

My wife came in after I had eaten, and had a cup of tea and a bowl of cold cerial. I never know when she will get up, or what she will want, so I don't fix her breakfast often.

I made dad a sandwich and chips for lunch made a great lunch of venison steaks for the wife and I (dad can't chew steak), went to a medical appointment, picked up groceries on the way home, cooked fabulous fried chicken,and milk gravy...The wife made microwave rice and heated up some green beans..

She later commented on her aching feet, and that I had spent the day PLAYING ONLINE.........

Once a task is done, it is instantly forgotten.....

I frequently give her compliments on her looks and clothing...After 47 years of marriage she is still hot.....

I give hour long full body massages, even bought a massage table.....

She always says I am just trying to work up to sex......
(sometimes I am, I am old, not dead)...

Our biggest arguments are about how much work I do around the house...She currently wants me to rip out the ceramic tile (that she picked out), in the back bathroom put down new tile and a new (to replace a perfectly good) toilet...

We hade a huge blowup abuut 4 months ago when she wanted me to put in a flower bed in the back yard (30 ft x 4 ft.)......

I told her I was not feeling too well, and took a lot of breaks...
She chewed me out frequently, said a MAN shouldnt need so many breaks (I am 65)....

The temp was mid to upper 90's , and the gound was so hard from the drought It was almost impossible to till, I NEEDED A POST HOLE DIGGER TO MAKE THE HOLES FOR THE SHRUBS. Spread 20 bags of top soil and 12 of mulch.

We later found out I was a little tired because I had a severe urinary tract infection,(28 days of outpatient I.V. antibiotics) undiagnosed diabetis (blood glucose 365), and the post hole digging knocked loose a kidney stone which showed up 4 days later after I had driven her 300 miles to visit her sister. Spent the whole night in the inlaws guest bedroom trying to pass the stone.

Forgive me for being weak and unmanly.....

In my view, women fight by nagging and *****ing, a man is conditioned to defend himself physically, but can't....

Perhaps that is why we tune you out.........
 
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