Men, please listen (and not just hear) when we speak - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 68 (permalink) Old 02-17-2012, 03:50 PM Thread Starter
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Men, please listen (and not just hear) when we speak

So, after reading shy_guy's very insightful post about what he (and for similar men) would like from women, I think it's also fair for us to do the same.

I titled the post to be similar to shy_guy's. It made me laugh when someone posted that all she thought her husband heard was "blah blah blah Musinex blah blah blah liquid" because I often think all men hear is the voice from Charlie Brown.

Anyhoo... here's my best stab at something similar.

==============================================

1. Please listen and not just hear us when we speak.

There are differences to the two: hearing us is basically hearing background noise. "Pick up deodorant". Listening is when you actually got the details of what we were saying. "Pick up the same deodorant I use". This is where I also fall into the trap of ASSUMING he knows or HOPING he'd be smart enough to check out what deodorant I use or know to go to where I keep it to find out. I learned that I have to specifically say what brand, what scent and sometimes what it looks like. I had to get over the fact that he doesn't care to waste time to figure all that stuff out when it was easier for me to tell him.

Men FAIL
: Hearing only "Pick up deodorant"
Women FAIL: Be specific. STOP assuming he knows.

2. Reciprocate.

Myth: Women/Wives love to clean the house, do laundry, cook dinner... yada yada.
Truth: We (or majority of us) do it because we like a clean house, clean clothes and food.. not because we enjoy it. We (or marjority of us) would also prefer to come home, sit in front of the TV and have things magically done for us.

We nag/b!tch because we have a reason to. If we feel like we are doing more work than you are, that'll begin the nagging/b!tching. I would prefer that while I'm cooking dinner, H is putting in a load of laundry or putting away dishes. Then we can eat together, cleanup and wash the dishes together and then have our down time TOGETHER. It really irritates me that as soon as I get home, I'm busting my butt to prepare dinner, wash/put away the dishes from that morning, have supper ready for H then have him retire himself to the den after dinner so he can relax only to leave me in the kitchen to clean up and wash more dishes. You think I'm going to be happy after that? NOPE.

Share the chores, share the nag free quiet happiness together.

I'm working on this by the way...it's not a free ticket!

3. Just because we're married, it doesn't mean I'm dead.

I know this is an issue for many people and we're no different. Each couple differs in in this department though. Personally, I would love it if my H complimented me more. I get the odd "you're cute" every few months. That's the extent. This wouldn't be an issue if there were physical things he did to show me that he's still attracted. I'm not asking for a compliment about everything, every day but it would be so nice to be complimented on odd days or when I put an extra effort.

Of course I can't put anything to do with sexuality in this post because being on here long enough has taught me that both men and women can be sexually deprived. So nothing in this department.

4. Talking about your issues/feelings is NOT a sign of weakness.

Ok, we get it. If you "talk about your feelings" other guys might think you're lame or a pansy. But what you fail to realize is that you would save yourself and your wife or S.O. so much wasted energy and time by just spitting it out. By not telling us what's going on, we automatically ASSUME and that's when we get creative with our thoughts. On the flip side, we women should also STOP saying the word "fine" or "It's fine". This does nothing but piss off men. Communicate, communicate, communicate!!

Men FAIL: Talking about my feelings is lame. It'll go away.
Women FAIL: FINE.

=========================================

This can go on and on and is not an exhaustive list but a good start I would think.

I also have to put a disclaimer that every situation is different. I am NOT painting everyone with the same brush but merely stating some things that are ON AVERAGE, a pretty good representation of situations.

And remember; Men, you fight with fists and are physical about it. We, on the other hand, do not... we fight a great game of mental warfare . LOL!

Like it, love it, hate it... it's my view/opinion.

ENJOY!!

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post #2 of 68 (permalink) Old 02-17-2012, 04:20 PM
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Re: Men, please listen (and not just hear) when we speak

agreed

everything you said i think everyone should know. However most people are failures and so will there marriages fail its a sad world really. So with that said you mention things that are obvious and i would really question the supposed "love" of ones partner if they were unwilling to listen or help around the house. If your partner is not doing the above and not having a desire to compliment you or please you than you have some serious issues.

So sad to ready so many of these fail stories on here but its just further proof of how incapable most people are of proper decision making and inability to get past selfish and hedonistic point of view of the world leads to there own suffering and turmoil they bring this upon themselves often. I do give sympathy to those who are betrayed that sucks but they are responsible for the poor decision making of choosing a poorly fit partner. So sad it can be anyhow i do agree with all that you said good post.
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post #3 of 68 (permalink) Old 02-17-2012, 04:23 PM
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Re: Men, please listen (and not just hear) when we speak

Everything you said pretty much hit on everything I would haha The only thing is that my H does do laundry more than I do, he does get on cleaning kicks once in a while, but a lot of times my day consists of taking an hour in the morning to drop kids off where they need to be, go to work, make the opposite trip back home to pick up the kids, dinner, homework, cleaning/dishes, baths, animals and if he hasn't done it, laundry....sometimes all of this is going on while he is laying back in the bed watching tv all night....talk about frustrating!!! haha but I choose to do it because I have to have my house in some kind of order or it drives me crazy!!!!

Before I end this though, I am going to give my H the credit he is due because he does help more than most around the house and with the kids.
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post #4 of 68 (permalink) Old 02-17-2012, 05:11 PM
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Re: Men, please listen (and not just hear) when we speak

I agree with these thoughts. Especially with regards to the importance of truly listening. Thanks for the thoughts.
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post #5 of 68 (permalink) Old 02-17-2012, 05:34 PM
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Re: Men, please listen (and not just hear) when we speak

I agree with you but oddly enough the things you say about how women think and feel apply to me.

and no I am not homosexual. I guess i'm just in touch with my feminine side.
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post #6 of 68 (permalink) Old 02-17-2012, 05:56 PM
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Re: Men, please listen (and not just hear) when we speak

I think men should try to listen better.

But I also think that women should realize that men are not great listeners. No use making us feel like losers our entire life for it.
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post #7 of 68 (permalink) Old 02-17-2012, 06:02 PM
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Re: Men, please listen (and not just hear) when we speak

So true. My husband shuts right down if I start talking about feelings. I keep telling him I don't have a crystal ball. I want to know how he feels so I can do the good things more and the bad things less. I also wish he'd compliment me more and realize the contributions I bring to this family. That can be done by listening to what I need emotionally. I certainly tell him, but go back to the beginning where he doesn't listen if he doesn't want to hear it. Ugh
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post #8 of 68 (permalink) Old 02-17-2012, 06:17 PM
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Re: Men, please listen (and not just hear) when we speak

Not long ago, I was watching a television show how the state of California wants to introduce having brain scans of couples done before the applying for a marriage license, (much like blood work is required.) The thought was, it would cut down the divorce rate, bc sometime no matter what , the brains just don't click.

When scans were shown to the couples who were tested over different emotions, it was interesting to see how each brain reacted differently ...

~sammy
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post #9 of 68 (permalink) Old 02-18-2012, 10:46 PM
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Re: Men, please listen (and not just hear) when we speak

Quote:
Originally Posted by sammy3 View Post
Not long ago, I was watching a television show how the state of California wants to introduce having brain scans of couples done before the applying for a marriage license, (much like blood work is required.) The thought was, it would cut down the divorce rate, bc sometime no matter what , the brains just don't click.

When scans were shown to the couples who were tested over different emotions, it was interesting to see how each brain reacted differently ...

~sammy
The state of California no longer requires a blood test for marriage licenses (according to my younger daughter who just got her marriage license this last week from CA). I would find this new requirement to be rather disturbing - not enough understanding yet of such things for any of this to be meaningful. That doesn't mean that some knuckleheaded politician won't try to require it, but I'd be very much opposed to such a thing.
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post #10 of 68 (permalink) Old 02-19-2012, 09:50 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Men, please listen (and not just hear) when we speak

Quote:
Originally Posted by SadSamIAm View Post
I think men should try to listen better.

But I also think that women should realize that men are not great listeners. No use making us feel like losers our entire life for it.
I agree. I've fallen into this trap a few times and most of us are not oblivious to this fact. I know for myself, I'm trying to learn how my H can HEAR me better as we all know, not every man is made the same. It will take some time for me to really understand what approach he responds too.

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Originally Posted by Hopefull363 View Post
So true. My husband shuts right down if I start talking about feelings. I keep telling him I don't have a crystal ball. I want to know how he feels so I can do the good things more and the bad things less. I also wish he'd compliment me more and realize the contributions I bring to this family. That can be done by listening to what I need emotionally. I certainly tell him, but go back to the beginning where he doesn't listen if he doesn't want to hear it. Ugh
Another frustrated person . It's sad because we women (& those men who share our frustration) find it so difficult to do this. If we tell our H or W often that "I don't like when you do this or don't do this or I wish you'd do this more often..." then the other one considers it to be nagging or complaining when all we're saying is "pay attention to me, my needs are just as valuable as yours". We get ignored enough...then we eventually stop. One day we say we're leaving or we blow up or something drastic and you say, "Well that came out of the blue, I had no clue!" If you listened, not just with your ears, with your eyes and your heart, you would've known that I've been broken for far too long.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sammy3 View Post
Not long ago, I was watching a television show how the state of California wants to introduce having brain scans of couples done before the applying for a marriage license, (much like blood work is required.) The thought was, it would cut down the divorce rate, bc sometime no matter what , the brains just don't click.

When scans were shown to the couples who were tested over different emotions, it was interesting to see how each brain reacted differently ...

~sammy
Quote:
Originally Posted by shy_guy View Post
The state of California no longer requires a blood test for marriage licenses (according to my younger daughter who just got her marriage license this last week from CA). I would find this new requirement to be rather disturbing - not enough understanding yet of such things for any of this to be meaningful. That doesn't mean that some knuckleheaded politician won't try to require it, but I'd be very much opposed to such a thing.
Should we also start to have people apply for licenses in order to have kids because there are some REALLY horrible parents out there too...

That's quite disturbing.

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post #11 of 68 (permalink) Old 02-19-2012, 09:57 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Men, please listen (and not just hear) when we speak

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agreed

everything you said i think everyone should know. However most people are failures and so will there marriages fail its a sad world really. So with that said you mention things that are obvious and i would really question the supposed "love" of ones partner if they were unwilling to listen or help around the house. If your partner is not doing the above and not having a desire to compliment you or please you than you have some serious issues.

So sad to ready so many of these fail stories on here but its just further proof of how incapable most people are of proper decision making and inability to get past selfish and hedonistic point of view of the world leads to there own suffering and turmoil they bring this upon themselves often. I do give sympathy to those who are betrayed that sucks but they are responsible for the poor decision making of choosing a poorly fit partner. So sad it can be anyhow i do agree with all that you said good post.
I meant this post to have positive connotations, not negative at all. What you're implying is that we're all doomed and should never get married. We all have our short comings... and I was hoping to help tell people like me, our side of the story so that those who are on the other side of my story can slowly begin to understand how people like me work.

Yes, it should be obvious to people to just treat each other well, but it isn't. Even common sense should no longer be called common because not everyone gets it. Human beings are intellectual creatures and there's still hope for us all. Yes it IS really sad to hear when marriages don't work but it isn't the constitution of marriage that isn't working, it's the two people that do not work well together. Marriage is wonderful; with the right person.

Yes my H has his short comings but he's also the greatest love of my life. He is my strength when I cannot be and my silliness when I need a smile. I too have my moments and I'm not perfect, but it's our differences that compliment each other.

Even with our issues, even in reading the failings and the struggles of others on here, there's still hope for love and I hope you can find it.
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post #12 of 68 (permalink) Old 02-19-2012, 10:00 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Men, please listen (and not just hear) when we speak

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Everything you said pretty much hit on everything I would haha The only thing is that my H does do laundry more than I do, he does get on cleaning kicks once in a while, but a lot of times my day consists of taking an hour in the morning to drop kids off where they need to be, go to work, make the opposite trip back home to pick up the kids, dinner, homework, cleaning/dishes, baths, animals and if he hasn't done it, laundry....sometimes all of this is going on while he is laying back in the bed watching tv all night....talk about frustrating!!! haha but I choose to do it because I have to have my house in some kind of order or it drives me crazy!!!!

Before I end this though, I am going to give my H the credit he is due because he does help more than most around the house and with the kids.
EXACTLY!! I totally hear you... I hate cleaning and I'd rather do nothing but I also can't stand to have a messy place. bahahaha! Oh the irony!!!

I have to give credit for great fathers...
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post #13 of 68 (permalink) Old 02-19-2012, 10:11 AM
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Re: Men, please listen (and not just hear) when we speak

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EXACTLY!! I totally hear you... I hate cleaning and I'd rather do nothing but I also can't stand to have a messy place. bahahaha! Oh the irony!!!

I have to give credit for great fathers...
Yes, I have to admit that my H is a wonderful dad, he's better than wonderful in that department, he goes above and beyond for our kids in every way he can, as in the time he spends with/on them.

Yes cleaning sucks, and I hate it, but I can't stand when it's dirty and I don't know how to explain it, but I just feel better when the house is clean.
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post #14 of 68 (permalink) Old 02-19-2012, 07:00 PM
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Re: Men, please listen (and not just hear) when we speak

I actually think its funny that some woman would expect their man to do certain household chores. If the boot was on the other foot and my wife had to do the extremely physical job that I did she would not have lasted five minutes. 'Eh! which way do you turn a nut to open it?'

There is also the whole tone thing that woman adopt. They have a drone that causes a natural reaction in a man's brain. Hence shutdown. There needs to be voice training for woman. i.e A mute button!!

Most men are very kind - if we really talked about our feelings it would hurt you fairer folk so much that the droning would never end!

Oh and whats the difference between an intelligent woman and a dinosaur?.....................................
.................................................. ......

I don't know I've never met either one!!!



All in jest!!!!
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post #15 of 68 (permalink) Old 02-19-2012, 07:03 PM
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Re: Men, please listen (and not just hear) when we speak

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Oh and whats the difference between an intelligent woman and a dinosaur?.....................................
.................................................. ......

I don't know I've never met either one!!!


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