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Ultimate links Thread...COMPATIBILITY B4 the vows & beyond = Marital Harmony & Joy
Ultimately we are ALL selfish and simply want what we want, this is nothing new under the sun. Being aware of this fact of life & making absolute sure we are compatible before we marry can avoid many many pitfalls after the vows....
Now these are MY views......this is what I will teach my own children. Much of this is from our own personal experience in love & marraige ..... and just observing /reading countless other's stories of marital frustration. I am a linkaholic & wanted to mother load this with links -just for reference -if one wants a more indepth understanding, otherwise just ignore (if it is in blue, you can click on it).
1. Don't have sex too soon.... it can create a bonding too fast, too soon (even a surprise pregnancy) where other important things are missed, overlooked. Hormones take over & common sense is LOST.
Do you genuinely ENJOY each other TAKE TIME, get to know THE WHOLE PERSON... take walks, eat out, laugh together , hold hands, go to the movies, dance, go sh0pping , make sure you genuinelly LIKE this person, RESPECT them, and they should be on par as a before you take them to bed -if it can be helped of course. A little romance is good !
2. KNOW YOURSELF & KNOW WHAT YOU WANT FROM LIFE .... your hopes, your dreams. Have a vision, Be sure this man or woman can fit into this, desires a similar workable plan, will be a "helpmate" in these same pursuits. Are you both old fashioned in our views, more traditional (wife stays home & takes care of the house, the children)...or ... both parents will be working (and equally sharing the household /childrearing duties).
3. HAVE SIMILAR BELIEFS & MORALS so you will not spend the majority of your life judging the other and irritating them to anger over doctrine, creeds, beliefs. Noone wants to be married to someone who feels the other is lost & in need of a brain overhaul cause our Gods are different. One's beliefs can also change/evolve in the course of marraige.... I feel a fundamentalist view in any area, if too rigid could spell disaster if you are not matched with what you ARE.
4. COMMUNICATION is VITAL, the root of all that can go wrong ....know how to resolve conflict !! There is more hope for a couple who fights over a couple who stuffs..... When I hear of couples who have been going out a few months, they think they have found "the one" my 1st question to them is...."Did you have your 1st brawl yet ?" Until you have a few of those , you simply do not know each other ! Excellent rundown on healthy communication here - Conflict is spoken here in paragragh #5.
Be a LISTENER as well as an effective communicator of your needs, be approachable always without a scowl. Ask questions, be open, honest in all things, understanding & learn the beauty of forgiveness ....we all have weaknesses & flaws, & loose our way sometimes. Learn humility & apologize . Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve
5. Secrets Destroy .... Decide on your "agreed upon" level of willing Transparency..... I have found this keeps us amazingly accountable & is more Trust building than most can realize -unless it is lived.
6.. Do you agree on how to spend MONEY ? This is the #2reason for Divorce. Don't think one will change... the habits you see in dating are likely habits for life. Know what you are marrying... a spender who will need HIGH cash volumes for happiness or a Saver who can relax a little, put his/her feet down & still get the bills paid on time.
7. SEX ! Compatability here is vital....especially IF YOU LOVE SEX! Too often there is a huge disconnect in this area ! , men have 10 times more Testosterone running through their veins in comparison to women... it causes them great frustration & pain when their wives reject them, they feel LOVED through the desire of their wives. Many women's drives take a dive after marraige & kids.... knowing if she is a PLEASER by nature will be very helpful. Talk about the role of masterbation during the low times (out of town, sickness, pregnancy)
Even enjoyment of a little PORN should be openly discussed -to avoid hurt feelings, some women look upon it as cheating - KNOW these things- work them out ! Love & Pornography
Always keep the sex SPICEY, men crave variety/ novelty... women crave the Emotional Connection with their husbands...... buy a game, pick up a book, try some erotic message, keep learning. Browse ADAM & EVE, try some toys, flavored lubes, read reviews. Stop in at Spencer's. Surprise the husband with some lingerie!
Sex & physical Pleasure may be less than 10% of a marraige, but when it is lacking.. it will feel like 90% of the problems....and the rejected spouse may end up a poster on this forum! Learn the beauty & need of sex through the eyes of one who has lost it & lives a sexless existence click here
8. Children ..talk about how many, when to start a family, HOW to discipline . Mom & Dad need to be on the same page, kids will seek to divide & conquer, count on it.
10.. LOVE LANGUAGES ...learn your order while dating....This is HOW it works, whatever you R is generally how you express love-unless you are just plain lazy... it is very important to please our spouse in the way they FEEL loved, this keeps their love tanks filled daily & joy & happiness flows. The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate
11.. Understand yours & your partners Inborn Temperments....how they think, what motivates them , why they REact the way they do - this helps us know their strenghts -as well as their weaknesses. We all have something to work on & fine tune. Many times, opposites attract here...this can make an effective team, even admire the other for what they bring to the relationship-where we may struggle.
12.. Housekeeping Habits ...If a Hoader marries a Clean freak (my Parents in law)... it is going to hinder the marriage. I have friends on the other hand, both messys, they get along fine! Know this before going in.
14.Boundaries with those outside of the Marraige ......Friends, Inlaws, Facebook, etc... Be on the same page, never put anyone else before your spouse, causes colossal problems. Know before going in, is your partner more geared to the "home buddie" lifestyle or the "need to get out of here - social partier" type, understanding their differences or being on the same page here helps immensely. 5 Ways To Protect Your Marriage From Toxic In-Laws
15. Date until you hit dirt! ...no matter how many kids at home, plan Romantic Vacations, get off alone Trip Advisor, FLIRT, tease & please... never forget Romance.
Have you ever noticed strangers at a Restaurant.. You can always tell who is in a new relationship or has learned the secret of keeping the fires going for each other, no matter how many yrs together..you see glowing faces, laughter, bright eyed conversation. Why Love Lasts
Location: On a clear day, I can see Mt. Rainier ... but you can't count on the days to be clear here ...
Posts: 1,863
Re: Ultimate links Thread...COMPATIBILITY B4 the vows & beyond = Marital Harmony & Jo
I think they're all good things. In the interest of finding SOMETHING to comment on, it's a long list, which almost makes someone tired when thinking they have to follow that many guidelines. But, there's not a lot to disagree with in what you said. It's good stuff, and really, I think it is all good sense and good advice.
It's funny, I didn't know you were writing this when I was thinking on and writing another post. Your communication point is something I've been thinking on just because I see communication breakdowns and barriers so often on the forums, and I had been thinking that although my wife and I have every opportunity for communication breakdown as might be defined in books, we are actually very good and natural in our communication with each other. I had to think back to see what specifically had developed that in us, and I posted that, along with a funny story of our early days, in this thread.
I'm sure when someone reads what we do, it will probably sound tiring to them just like what I said about checklists sounding tiring to me. I guess the point is that it becomes natural after a while, and since it began as necessary for us, we don't know any other way, so now, it's just the way we are.
Re: Ultimate links Thread...COMPATIBILITY B4 the vows & beyond = Marital Harmony & Jo
That's a really good post SimplyA. It's a long list. But I would bet that most long term happily married people do or did almost all of them well and have similar expectations of each other.
You can easily have an extrovert with an introvert or party-er with a homebody get along very well as long as there is compatibility and attraction along those dimensions listed above.
Keep your spouse as the #1 thing above everything else, and everything should work out fine.
Re: Ultimate links Thread...COMPATIBILITY B4 the vows & beyond = Marital Harmony & Jo
Quote:
shy_guy said : it's a long list, which almost makes someone tired when thinking they have to follow that many guidelines.
I seriously doubt many couples have all of this "in sinc" when dating...it is too much!! Most of us learn by mistakes along the way... Though a little wisdom & education before hand - oh how I wish we could re-live those years.
..... As for me & my husband.... we messed up in SEX department the most (the communications aspects of it BIG TIME!)...I still eats at me sometimes.
...... Between the 3 R's.... Repression (on my end), Rejection (he was feeling- when I couldn't conceive -only wanting his sperm ) and Resentment (he was silently building)... I feel we lost many good years of my husband's heightened sexual desire & expression....which led to "apathy" on both our ends. We were still happy but how much MORE it could have been! I was a very stupid uneducated woman with too many worries on her young mind.
He was completely conflict avoident, wallowed in feeling less loved (I never wanted anyone else), had "nice guy" hang ups, very little motivation to actively DO something- like read up on getting the wife in the mood (Athol's blog would have been a GOD send!).... while silently wanting me to "suffer" like him. Here, I was thinking HE didn't have a sex drive! He says he hardly remembers me coming on to him & I remember it very well ! And I had no idea all of THIS was boiling under the surface, due to his hiding his sexual frustration...took it out more on the kids, not me.
I took him for granted, he felt more rejected. It was a merry go round of sorts ....his "politeness" in the bedroom, "asking me" if I wanted to have sex -instead of arousing me confidently & "taking me", pushing the envelope a bit ....this did little for helping me overcome my plaguing inhibitions.
Had I not came into my own sexual awakening , opening all of these doors, knocking down all of these walls - we'd likely have went to our graves -never experiencing the very happening "hot passionate equally giving -feeling loved with every breath" bonding we do nearly every night now. We are both to blame in very different ways.
His vulnerability only came alive AFTER we overcame the above. I was lazy on my end with the Love Languages - even though we had all the same, I neglected physically touching him -getting more of that fullfillment cuddling/ holding the babies we had in our 30's. Babies in our bed- where was my head ! And he never said a word!
And in the Temperments... I was too overbearing -where he was too passive....both of us working out of our weaknesses.
Plus we lost site of Dating/ Romancing each other, didn't start getting off alone until our last son was born. And my Christian beliefs was a bit of a pain up his butt in the early years, I would get on him for not praying enough, reading his Bible -thinking I wanted this "Spiritual head of the household " husband.... Looking back, I am very happy he never changed & I DID. I was clearly the irritation all along. I remember feeling guilty for not putting GOD before my family. Too much mental energy wasted on these things.
Everything else, we seemed to have going for us... but Geeze.....if only I knew all of THIS back in the beginning ! What a sweet & delightful difference it could have made. My husband wouldn't have suffererd, he would have sexually expressed himself MORE and I wouldn't have been so damn grouchy! I likely needed exactly what he was withholding from me - his passion!
Re: Ultimate links Thread...COMPATIBILITY B4 the vows & beyond = Marital Harmony & Jo
Great post, SA.
Communication is so important. So is healthy conflict. Not ever having an argument doesn't mean you have a great marriage. I've heard more than one person in my life brag about how they don't have disagreements with their spouses. Both spouses could be stuffers who stuff their feelings inside to avoid conflict. That's not a healthy dynamic. A healthy marriage has some conflict, but it's how you handle the conflicts that make or break a marriage.
Communication (your point #4) goes well with sex (your point #7). If you can talk openly and honestly about sex, you should be able to talk openly and honestly about any other topic.
Re: Ultimate links Thread...COMPATIBILITY B4 the vows & beyond = Marital Harmony & Jo
Quote:
Originally Posted by Coffee Amore
Communication (your point #4) goes well with sex (your point #7). If you can talk openly and honestly about sex, you should be able to talk openly and honestly about any other topic.
I think me & my husband are very backwards ...cause literally we DID talk about everthing under Gods green earth & sun ....except for SEX....for 19 long yrs. It is near insane how we had half a dozen kids & still never talked openly about such things. I recall just years ago lying in bed with him making a comment about this even... mentioning how I am still embarrassed for him to see my body in the light, even admitting how rediculous it was.
Once we had a toy Ernie Doll literally speak... "I feel ggreeattt" - just moments after we just made love (not sure how this happened, the cat stepped on it ?)-was in the hallway... and we .....saying yeah, we do FEEL GREAT ! the timing & wording - unbelievable really - a moment we'll never forget! We didn't generally express these things very openly-though we FELT them strongly... maybe a few words & that was it.... that night a Doll spoke for us. You'd think we'd wake up & open the dialog a little... A sign from heaven maybe...
It near baffles me....looking back, how this was... I can only blame it on feeling "taboo" , "embarrassed", shy on the subject somehow.... My God masterbation -how can you look someone in the eye & talk about that !! Coming here & posting, reading, learning , books and exploring has now put me off the richter scale on this subject.... taboo...what is that! I don't think I know anyone as open as me on the subject now - even face to face. A cousin of mine told me at one of our little parties...I should start a radio show... how funny that was.
I guess when something was THAT suppressed, once it gets let out of it's cage, it goes a bit wild for a time, in imagination and expression. Not sure how else to describe it - but it is very freeing & liberating, and Oh what a blessing.
I can't say it has enhanced our commuincation any better in other areas - nothing else embarrassed me ! But it HAS allowed my husband to feel "more loved' ....and get more ! .... so the whole "opening up" in this area has been a tremendous boost to our marraige...plus allowing ourselves to then open up on how we missed it so badly in this area.
He loves the sexual talk a site more than the other boring things I used to go on about.
Re: Ultimate links Thread...COMPATIBILITY B4 the vows & beyond = Marital Harmony & Jo
Quote:
Originally Posted by Monique19
I seriously doubt many couples have all of this "in sinc" when dating...it is too much!! Most of us learn by mistakes along the way.
Ok, I shared what we screwed up (which I have went on about numerous places on this forum)... so now I'd love to hear from others... where you got it wrong.....and eventually overcame, turned it all around... or other sticking points, if you feel could be added to this exhaustive list ?
We can all learn from others mistakes...if we take it all in & use some wisdom. Everyone needs good marital mentors early in life. I can't say I really had any to talk to me , at least not about the things we screwed up. That subject is rarely discussed indepth.
Re: Ultimate links Thread...COMPATIBILITY B4 the vows & beyond = Marital Harmony & Jo
I found this thread because you shared a link for it in a newer one. It's excellent advice. And many things that, unfortunately, me and my husband never realized before tying the knot. We had VERY soon after meeting each other. Like you said, hormones took over and convinced us we were meant to be. We met while we were both out of our element in a foreign country and we both thought it would be nice to see each other again but there might never come another chance.
Well fast forward a couple of years and we're married, living together — and having gone through A LOT of fighting and adjusting. We were terrible communicators at first. Past 6 months is only when it has really taken a turn for the better. And there is still a lot to improve there. We didn't really get to know each other fully, and the result is that we ended up sorting out each other's differences only after having moved into together, and some only after we married. Still working on some, and some issues we will never resolve. Just working up to being able to live peacefully while agreeing to disagree.
I love my husband, he IS my best friend and I am proud of us both for having worked hard for our relationship. Yet I'm still not 100% convinced it's made to last. For now my attitude is that I will work on my own issues, my own personal goals and develop myself until I can say that I am the partner I would want to marry. If my husband keeps working on himself alongside me, we have a great chance of success. If not, I'll be walking away knowing that I've done all I could and it just wasn't meant to be.
Luckily all is not doomed even if you miss figuring out some (or many, like us) these points before getting married. But it will mean more work, more heartache and more compromises. At least for me this relationship has been and continues to be a very eye-opening experience. I've finally had to grow up and own my own feelings, the effects of my family of origin and take a look at the survival patterns that I have learned as a child that are now standing on the way of me having a meaningful intimate relationship. Maybe it would've been the more mature option to never get into it in the first place, if he had figured out how in some ways downright incompatible we are. But I have no regrets. Working through it is every day proving this marriage to provide one of the most important lessons I will ever have in life.
Live and learn. No matter what happens to this marriage I will always remember it fondly because of what my husband has tought me of myself, life and relationships.
God bless that crazy curly haired cutie playing air guitar on the other side of the couch. <3
Edit: I didn't notice this was in the "Long Term Success" forum. We have no such a thing yet. But hope you don't mind me sharing my views nonetheless.
Re: Ultimate links Thread...COMPATIBILITY B4 the vows & beyond = Marital Harmony & Jo
Thank you for sharing your journey TiredandOut...
Quote:
I love my husband, he IS my best friend and I am proud of us both for having worked hard for our relationship. Yet I'm still not 100% convinced it's made to last. For now my attitude is that I will work on my own issues, my own personal goals and develop myself until I can say that I am the partner I would want to marry. If my husband keeps working on himself alongside me, we have a great chance of success. If not, I'll be walking away knowing that I've done all I could and it just wasn't meant to be.
Sounds like you are doing the best you can ...with a healthy attitude to boot.... I really think sometimes -even at our very Best...or I should say , even the best of people, walking in goodness & love....if they are not compatible in "enough" areas...that are deeply important to them... it still could be a contention in marriage... like if a city loving "going out on the town " type marries a country loving homebody....
.... or if a Love languaged primarily "TIME" wife marries a "gift giving" Work a Holic who is never home, I just think they would have a real struggle on their hands to come to grips with what they feel they are missing & craving from the other.
TAM is a great place to sort out of these issues & get some great feedback too!
Re: Ultimate links Thread...COMPATIBILITY B4 the vows & beyond = Marital Harmony & Jo
Quote:
Originally Posted by SimplyAmorous
Ok, I shared what we screwed up (which I have went on about numerous places on this forum)... so now I'd love to hear from others... where you got it wrong.....and eventually overcame, turned it all around... or other sticking points, if you feel could be added to this exhaustive list ?
We can all learn from others mistakes...if we take it all in & use some wisdom. Everyone needs good marital mentors early in life. I can't say I really had any to talk to me , at least not about the things we screwed up. That subject is rarely discussed indepth.
...
Love this post, SA, another gem by you! Found it in your signature this evening and clicked it.
My husband and I went wrong as we had cultural differences, moral differences, value differences, different temperaments, different hopes and dreams, were on completely different paths, and were both terrified with the idea of being vulnerable with ourselves never mind anyone else.
We went right in that we were right for each other. No idea how! I blame my glaringly strong intuition and strong will that quietly begged him to see the same thing.
Going back I wouldn't change a thing, yet, I would tell anyone I met to follow your list rather than take the risks my husband and I did!
Re: Ultimate links Thread...COMPATIBILITY B4 the vows & beyond = Marital Harmony & Jo
Quote:
Trenton said : My husband and I went wrong as we had cultural differences, moral differences, value differences, different temperaments, different hopes and dreams, were on completely different paths, and were both terrified with the idea of being vulnerable with ourselves never mind anyone else
I remember you sharing this before on other threads.... I found your story very interesting / even entertaining....I recall you playing games with him too...so he'd think you didn't want him....but crazily you fell in love anyhow & got past the fear to open up & bare it all.
It's a great love story Trenton !!! Very very helpful for many to hear...
Honestly, I think I would be near impossible to live with if my spouse & myself had too many differences.... I simply know me, and it wouldn't fare well ... We dated for near 8 yrs, so we had tons of time... but it's funny....I'd say we were on the same page since the very beginning in near all of these things... I guess that's a little crazy too!
Quote:
2ntnuf said: Looks like it would take twenty years of dating to get to know someone that well.
I asked alot of questions, even in my love letters way back then... I was picking his brain...thankfully he never minded my ways... he was very forthcoming to any thing I wanted to know or learn of him.... loved him for that.
I think it pays to "dig deep" when getting to know someone, not missing anything, just my view of course. Even with Trenton above, seems she KNEW they were coming together from totally different worlds ... but the love was so strong, it didn't seem to matter to them, so they jumped in anyway, but they weren't blinded -thinking otherwise.
I guess it would be the worst if one was HIDING how they felt or downplayed certain traits/beliefs before the other - to get approval & acceptance...then the REAL person emerged after the vows.....
Vulnerabilty before hand ...with each other....IS the key.
Re: Ultimate links Thread...COMPATIBILITY B4 the vows & beyond = Marital Harmony & Jo
Quote:
Originally Posted by SimplyAmorous
It near baffles me....looking back, how this was... I can only blame it on feeling "taboo" , "embarrassed", shy on the subject somehow.... My God masterbation -how can you look someone in the eye & talk about that !! Coming here & posting, reading, learning , books and exploring has now put me off the richter scale on this subject.... taboo...what is that! I don't think I know anyone as open as me on the subject now - even face to face. A cousin of mine told me at one of our little parties...I should start a radio show... how funny that was.
The problem is that so many are afraid to even say the words, the parts, the events, like 'masturbation' and thus they can't get past their hangups about it.
It is erotic when you can look at someone and comfortably discuss such fun things you share.
19Likes 
Ultimate links Thread...COMPATIBILITY B4 the vows & beyond = Marital Harmony & Joy 
before you take them to bed -if it can be helped of course. A little romance is good ! 
............... 
....know how to resolve conflict !! There is more hope for a couple who fights over a couple who stuffs..... When I hear of couples who have been going out a few months, they think they have found "the one" my 1st question to them is...."Did you have your 1st brawl yet ?" Until you have a few of those , you simply do not know each other ! Excellent rundown on healthy communication here - Conflict is spoken here in 
.... Decide on your "agreed upon" level of willing Transparency..... I have found this keeps us amazingly accountable & is more Trust building than most can realize -unless it is lived.
This is the #2reason for Divorce. Don't think one will change... the habits you see in dating are likely habits for life. Know what you are marrying... a spender who will need HIGH cash volumes for happiness or a Saver who can relax a little, put his/her feet down & still get the bills paid on time.
, men have 10 times more Testosterone running through their veins in comparison to women... it causes them great frustration & pain when their wives reject them, they feel LOVED through the desire of their wives. Many women's drives take a dive after marraige & kids.... knowing if she is a PLEASER by nature will be very helpful. Talk about the role of masterbation during the low times (out of town, sickness, pregnancy) 
Learn the beauty & need of sex through the eyes of one who has lost it & lives a sexless existence 
and 
in the bedroom! 
I was a very stupid uneducated woman with too many worries on her young mind. 
.....saying yeah, we do FEEL GREAT ! 
...
Re: Ultimate links Thread...COMPATIBILITY B4 the vows & beyond = Marital Harmony & Jo 
