Ultimate links Thread...COMPATIBILITY B4 the vows & beyond = Marital Harmony & Joy
Ultimately we are ALL selfish and simply want what we want, this is nothing new under the sun. Being aware of this fact of life & making absolute sure we are compatible before we marry can avoid many many pitfalls after the vows....
Now these are MY views......this is what I will teach my own children. Much of this is from our own personal experience in love & marraige ..... and just observing /reading countless other's stories of marital frustration. I am a linkaholic & wanted to mother load this with links -just for reference -if one wants a more in depth understanding, otherwise just ignore (if it is in blue, you can click on it).
1. Don't have sex too soon.... it can create a bonding too fast, too soon (even a surprise pregnancy) where other important things are missed, overlooked. Hormones take over & common sense is LOST... An article on taking this slow..speaks to the steps to authentic intimacy & connection... For the BEST SEX EVER Emotional Intimacy is key..here's why!
Do you genuinely ENJOY each other TAKE TIME, get to know THE WHOLE PERSON... take walks, eat out, laugh together , hold hands, go to the movies, dance, go sh0pping , make sure you genuinely LIKE this person, RESPECT them, and they should be on par as a
before you take them to bed -if it can be helped of course. A little romance is good !
............... The Importance of Laughter in marriage...........
2. KNOW YOURSELF & KNOW WHAT YOU WANT FROM LIFE, LOVE & Marriage .... your hopes, your dreams....do you have a shared vision... can you see this person being a "helpmate" in these same pursuits. Are you both geared more Traditional ...wife stays home, tends to children, home - while Husband provides for the family.....(I know this is dying but it was Our way, what we both wanted)....or the Modern Dream...both parents WORK sharing the household duties /child-rearing...
Some have been blindsided when a modern woman meets up with a more Traditionally minded man & finds they may not agree on something he felt was a "given"...like taking his last name....example : http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/233465-keeping-maiden-name-9.html ... Understand some feel strongly in their positions/ their cultural differences, some of which has inspired them & they desire to continue these valued traditions.
3. HAVE SIMILAR BELIEFS & MORALS so you will not spend the majority of your life judging the other and irritating them to anger over doctrine, creeds, beliefs. Noone wants to be married to someone who feels the other is lost & in need of a brain overhaul cause our Gods are different. One's beliefs can also change/evolve in the course of marriage.... I feel a fundamentalist view in any area, if too rigid could spell disaster if you are not matched with what you ARE.
4. COMMUNICATION is VITAL, the root of all that can go wrong
....know how to resolve conflict !! There is more hope for a couple who fights over a couple who stuffs..... When I hear of couples who have been going out a few months, they think they have found "the one" my 1st question to them is...."Did you have your 1st brawl yet ?" Until you have a few of those , you simply do not know each other ! Excellent rundown on healthy communication here - Conflict is spoken in paragraph #5 .
.... http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ead-4-types-5-1-ratio-marriage-conflicts.html
Every marriage will struggle if communication is not used Properly & inoffensively. Good read : The art of not being offended If one is a Silent Treatment holder, it IS emotionally abusive & RESENTMENT building. Passivity, Irresponsibility & Resulting Partner Anger
Be a LISTENER as well as an effective communicator of your needs, be approachable always without a scowl. Ask questions, be open, honest in all things, understanding & learn the beauty of forgiveness ....we all have weaknesses & flaws, & loose our way sometimes. Learn humility & apologize . Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve
Vulnerability should be achieved -excellent 20 minute video within within 1st line of this link >> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...r-its-pain-its-beauty-how-vulnerable-you.html
Validation is important also: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/39565-validating-your-spouse.html
5. Secrets Destroy
.... Decide on your "agreed upon" level of willing Transparency..... I have found this keeps us amazingly accountable & is more Trust building than most can realize -unless it is lived.
Living a High Definition, Transparent Marriage .......... http://talkaboutmarriage.com/articles/993-sex-lies-secrets-secrecy-destroying-your-marriage.html ..... http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...parency-what-means-our-marraige-what-you.html
6.. Do you agree on how to spend MONEY ?
This is the #2 reason for Divorce. Don't think one will change... the habits you see in dating are likely habits for life. Know what you are marrying... a spender who will need HIGH cash volumes for happiness or a Saver who can relax a little, put his/her feet up & still get the bills paid on time.
The 6 Financial Mistakes Couples Make
7. SEX ! Compatability here is vital....especially IF YOU LOVE SEX! Too often there is a huge disconnect in this area !
, men have 10 times more Testosterone running through their veins in comparison to women... it causes them great frustration & pain when their wives reject them, they feel LOVED through the desire of their wives. Many women's drives take a dive after marraige & kids.... knowing if she is a PLEASER by nature will be very helpful. Talk about the role of masturbation during the low times (out of town, sickness, pregnancy)
Even enjoyment of a little PORN should be openly discussed -to avoid hurt feelings, some women look upon it as cheating - KNOW these things- work them out ! Love & Pornography
Always keep the sex SPICEY, men crave variety/ novelty... women crave the Emotional Connection with their husbands...... buy a game, pick up a book, try some erotic message, keep learning. Browse ADAM & EVE, try some toys, flavored lubes, read reviews. Stop in at Spencer's. Surprise the husband with some lingerie!
Sex & physical Pleasure may be less than 10% of a marraige, but when it is lacking.. it will feel like 90% of the problems....and the rejected spouse may end up a poster on this forum! Learn the beauty & need of sex through the eyes of one who has lost it & lives a sexless existence click here
We all want
and
in the bedroom!
Sex Info 101 website - Granddaddy list of Sexual Positions
Complete Idiots Guide to Amazing Sex ....very informative for new lovers -covers it all!
Sheet Music - Uncovering the secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage ....Excellent book for Christians.
When Your Sex Drives Don't Match: Discover Your Libido Types to Create a Mutually Satisfying Sex Life ..... ... Identifying Your Libido Type
Passionista: The Empowered Woman's Guide to Pleasuring a Man .....every wife should read this!
She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman ....every husband should read this!
The Good Girl's Guide to Bad Girl Sex: An Indispensible Guide to Pleasure & Seduction
Discover Your Lover Board Game ....might help break some inhibitions reading cards & playing a game!
8. Children ..talk about how many, when to start a family, HOW to discipline . Mom & Dad need to be on the same page, kids will seek to divide & conquer, count on it.
9.. Sexual Attraction... never underestimate it, a plan to keep the pounds off -if this is important to one partner... it is for BOTH. Divergent Sex Ranks Lead To Relationship Failure
10.. LOVE LANGUAGES ...learn your order while dating....This is HOW it works, whatever you R is generally how you express love-unless you are just plain lazy... it is very important to please our spouse in the way they FEEL loved, this keeps their love tanks filled daily & joy & happiness flows. The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate
Overview of 5 Love Languages ............ 5 Love Languages Test / Assessments ............ The Twelve Love Languages
11.. Understand yours & your partners Inborn Temperments....how they think, what motivates them , why they REact the way they do - this helps us know their strenghts -as well as their weaknesses. We all have something to work on & fine tune. Many times, opposites attract here...this can make an effective team, even admire the other for what they bring to the relationship-where we may struggle.
The 4 Temperments w/lists & detailed characteristics ......... ***Tests within link >> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ments-our-spouses-better-understand-them.html
12.. Housekeeping Habits ...If a Hoader marries a Clean freak (my Parents in law)... it is going to hinder the marriage. I have friends on the other hand, both messys, they get along fine! Know this before going in.
13.. Emotional & Physical limitations.... Depression in Marriage ... Bipolar Romantic Relationships: Dating and Marriage .... Personality Disorders ....... just be aware....be informed, stay on top of proper treatment /counseling -understand some meds interfere with sexual desire also. From the author of the greatest brain books (Daniel Amen)...to have a healthy marriage requires a healthy BRAIN. Change your Brain -Change your Life ..... This is your Brain in Love
14.Boundaries with those outside of the Marraige ......Friends, Inlaws, Facebook, etc... Be on the same page, never put anyone else before your spouse, causes colossal problems. Know before going in, is your partner more geared to the "home buddie" lifestyle or the "need to get out of here - social partier" type, understanding their differences or being on the same page here helps immensely. 5 Ways To Protect Your Marriage From Toxic In-Laws
15. Date until you hit dirt! ...no matter how many kids at home, plan Romantic Vacations, get off alone Trip Advisor, FLIRT, tease & please... never forget Romance.
175 Romantic Things You Could Easily Do ............. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...ings-do-your-wife-husband-wont-cost-dime.html
Have you ever noticed strangers at a Restaurant.. You can always tell who is in a new relationship or has learned the secret of keeping the fires going for each other, no matter how many yrs together..you see glowing faces, laughter, bright eyed conversation. Why Love Lasts
Some highly praised Marraige books....
Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs ..............
The Love Dare
His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage
Kosher Adultery: Seduce and Sin with Your Spouse
The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands
Ultimately we are ALL selfish and simply want what we want, this is nothing new under the sun. Being aware of this fact of life & making absolute sure we are compatible before we marry can avoid many many pitfalls after the vows....
Now these are MY views......this is what I will teach my own children. Much of this is from our own personal experience in love & marraige ..... and just observing /reading countless other's stories of marital frustration. I am a linkaholic & wanted to mother load this with links -just for reference -if one wants a more in depth understanding, otherwise just ignore (if it is in blue, you can click on it).
1. Don't have sex too soon.... it can create a bonding too fast, too soon (even a surprise pregnancy) where other important things are missed, overlooked. Hormones take over & common sense is LOST... An article on taking this slow..speaks to the steps to authentic intimacy & connection... For the BEST SEX EVER Emotional Intimacy is key..here's why!
Do you genuinely ENJOY each other TAKE TIME, get to know THE WHOLE PERSON... take walks, eat out, laugh together , hold hands, go to the movies, dance, go sh0pping , make sure you genuinely LIKE this person, RESPECT them, and they should be on par as a
2. KNOW YOURSELF & KNOW WHAT YOU WANT FROM LIFE, LOVE & Marriage .... your hopes, your dreams....do you have a shared vision... can you see this person being a "helpmate" in these same pursuits. Are you both geared more Traditional ...wife stays home, tends to children, home - while Husband provides for the family.....(I know this is dying but it was Our way, what we both wanted)....or the Modern Dream...both parents WORK sharing the household duties /child-rearing...
Some have been blindsided when a modern woman meets up with a more Traditionally minded man & finds they may not agree on something he felt was a "given"...like taking his last name....example : http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/233465-keeping-maiden-name-9.html ... Understand some feel strongly in their positions/ their cultural differences, some of which has inspired them & they desire to continue these valued traditions.
3. HAVE SIMILAR BELIEFS & MORALS so you will not spend the majority of your life judging the other and irritating them to anger over doctrine, creeds, beliefs. Noone wants to be married to someone who feels the other is lost & in need of a brain overhaul cause our Gods are different. One's beliefs can also change/evolve in the course of marriage.... I feel a fundamentalist view in any area, if too rigid could spell disaster if you are not matched with what you ARE.
4. COMMUNICATION is VITAL, the root of all that can go wrong
Every marriage will struggle if communication is not used Properly & inoffensively. Good read : The art of not being offended If one is a Silent Treatment holder, it IS emotionally abusive & RESENTMENT building. Passivity, Irresponsibility & Resulting Partner Anger
Be a LISTENER as well as an effective communicator of your needs, be approachable always without a scowl. Ask questions, be open, honest in all things, understanding & learn the beauty of forgiveness ....we all have weaknesses & flaws, & loose our way sometimes. Learn humility & apologize . Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve
Vulnerability should be achieved -excellent 20 minute video within within 1st line of this link >> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...r-its-pain-its-beauty-how-vulnerable-you.html
Validation is important also: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/39565-validating-your-spouse.html
5. Secrets Destroy
Living a High Definition, Transparent Marriage .......... http://talkaboutmarriage.com/articles/993-sex-lies-secrets-secrecy-destroying-your-marriage.html ..... http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...parency-what-means-our-marraige-what-you.html
6.. Do you agree on how to spend MONEY ?
The 6 Financial Mistakes Couples Make
7. SEX ! Compatability here is vital....especially IF YOU LOVE SEX! Too often there is a huge disconnect in this area !
Even enjoyment of a little PORN should be openly discussed -to avoid hurt feelings, some women look upon it as cheating - KNOW these things- work them out ! Love & Pornography
Always keep the sex SPICEY, men crave variety/ novelty... women crave the Emotional Connection with their husbands...... buy a game, pick up a book, try some erotic message, keep learning. Browse ADAM & EVE, try some toys, flavored lubes, read reviews. Stop in at Spencer's. Surprise the husband with some lingerie!
Sex & physical Pleasure may be less than 10% of a marraige, but when it is lacking.. it will feel like 90% of the problems....and the rejected spouse may end up a poster on this forum! Learn the beauty & need of sex through the eyes of one who has lost it & lives a sexless existence click here
We all want
Sex Info 101 website - Granddaddy list of Sexual Positions
Complete Idiots Guide to Amazing Sex ....very informative for new lovers -covers it all!
Sheet Music - Uncovering the secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage ....Excellent book for Christians.
When Your Sex Drives Don't Match: Discover Your Libido Types to Create a Mutually Satisfying Sex Life ..... ... Identifying Your Libido Type
Passionista: The Empowered Woman's Guide to Pleasuring a Man .....every wife should read this!
She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman ....every husband should read this!
The Good Girl's Guide to Bad Girl Sex: An Indispensible Guide to Pleasure & Seduction
Discover Your Lover Board Game ....might help break some inhibitions reading cards & playing a game!
8. Children ..talk about how many, when to start a family, HOW to discipline . Mom & Dad need to be on the same page, kids will seek to divide & conquer, count on it.
9.. Sexual Attraction... never underestimate it, a plan to keep the pounds off -if this is important to one partner... it is for BOTH. Divergent Sex Ranks Lead To Relationship Failure
10.. LOVE LANGUAGES ...learn your order while dating....This is HOW it works, whatever you R is generally how you express love-unless you are just plain lazy... it is very important to please our spouse in the way they FEEL loved, this keeps their love tanks filled daily & joy & happiness flows. The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate
Overview of 5 Love Languages ............ 5 Love Languages Test / Assessments ............ The Twelve Love Languages
11.. Understand yours & your partners Inborn Temperments....how they think, what motivates them , why they REact the way they do - this helps us know their strenghts -as well as their weaknesses. We all have something to work on & fine tune. Many times, opposites attract here...this can make an effective team, even admire the other for what they bring to the relationship-where we may struggle.
The 4 Temperments w/lists & detailed characteristics ......... ***Tests within link >> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ments-our-spouses-better-understand-them.html
12.. Housekeeping Habits ...If a Hoader marries a Clean freak (my Parents in law)... it is going to hinder the marriage. I have friends on the other hand, both messys, they get along fine! Know this before going in.
13.. Emotional & Physical limitations.... Depression in Marriage ... Bipolar Romantic Relationships: Dating and Marriage .... Personality Disorders ....... just be aware....be informed, stay on top of proper treatment /counseling -understand some meds interfere with sexual desire also. From the author of the greatest brain books (Daniel Amen)...to have a healthy marriage requires a healthy BRAIN. Change your Brain -Change your Life ..... This is your Brain in Love
14.Boundaries with those outside of the Marraige ......Friends, Inlaws, Facebook, etc... Be on the same page, never put anyone else before your spouse, causes colossal problems. Know before going in, is your partner more geared to the "home buddie" lifestyle or the "need to get out of here - social partier" type, understanding their differences or being on the same page here helps immensely. 5 Ways To Protect Your Marriage From Toxic In-Laws
15. Date until you hit dirt! ...no matter how many kids at home, plan Romantic Vacations, get off alone Trip Advisor, FLIRT, tease & please... never forget Romance.
175 Romantic Things You Could Easily Do ............. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...ings-do-your-wife-husband-wont-cost-dime.html
Have you ever noticed strangers at a Restaurant.. You can always tell who is in a new relationship or has learned the secret of keeping the fires going for each other, no matter how many yrs together..you see glowing faces, laughter, bright eyed conversation. Why Love Lasts
Some highly praised Marraige books....
Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs ..............
The Love Dare
His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage
Kosher Adultery: Seduce and Sin with Your Spouse
The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands