Long Term Success in MarriageIf you've been married 10+ years and consider your marriage a success, post your success story here. Help others by talking about what works for you.
Good morning, TAM. I'm getting married to the love of my life two weeks from today, and I wanted to ask all you long term marriage winners for advice.
We've both been through bad relationships in the past (I was in an almost 9 year relationship and engaged once to someone who cheated, she was engaged twice to people who cheated, one of which was the father of her child!) and basically I would like to know how to be the absolute best husband I can be.
So what is the list of things that I can/should do to make her the happiest woman in the world, as she makes me the happiest man in the world?
Congratulations! Both on your upcoming marriage and for having the thoughtfulness to want to do your part of making it a good marriage.
My best tips would be to treat your wife as if she is the most important guest you will ever have in your life, every day. Guests are always treated better than those we live with and end up taking for granted, so keep her as a cherished guest in your heart.
Also, find out how she feels loved, don't just guess at it. What you think will show her love may not be what she looks for. An example would be, maybe you think it would be loving to buy her an expensive gift, but for her, a simple flower picked with a request to spend time together would be more heart touching. These things also change, so don't just ever think "you know", because the second you think you know her, you will stop learning who she is TODAY.
Finally, have fun! You don't get out of life alive, so enjoy it with each other for the time you have together. My grandmother reminds me of this often now, as after 70 years of marriage, her true love has passed on. Those 70 years went a lot faster than either of them would have expected them to.
My advice...please communicate with each other. Don't be afraid to discuss any subject with your spouse, just do it in a calm non-confrontational manner. Unresolved issues turn into resentments and that is a relationship killer.
Coach gave great advice on "what" you do. And what to pay attention to.
The link below is about the realization that, even your favorite food in the world, would cease to be enjoyable if you had to eat it too often. One of the biggest mistakes men make, is not transitioning from the "chase", to a sustainable "steady state". So the best thing to do is to give her enough space to love you back.
If your spouse is paying attention, and most likely she is, every loving thing you do is heard as a type of "I love you". That means all the stuff below gets heard kind of the same way:
- Gifts,
- Acts of service above and beyond your fair share
- Requests to spend time together,
- Physical contact, and
- Directly complimenting her or saying I love you
ALL of those things - she hears as "ILY". And that is good UNLESS you are always the one initiating this stuff - or almost always. Because then the dynamic completely changes. Instead of hearing "ILY" which is very nice, your spouse heres "Do you love me"? And they her that over and over.
In a healthy marriage, you give your partner enough space so that they WANT to "come to you". If you reach the point where it is always you initiating all the loving acts, your partner will most likely back away from you.
So the odd and beautiful thing about all this is: You can never love too much. More IS better. But you absolutely can EXPRESS your love too much. And THAT is actually a selfish thing to do, and often brings out the worst in your partner because they feel smothered.
Congratulations! Both on your upcoming marriage and for having the thoughtfulness to want to do your part of making it a good marriage.
My best tips would be to treat your wife as if she is the most important guest you will ever have in your life, every day. Guests are always treated better than those we live with and end up taking for granted, so keep her as a cherished guest in your heart.
Also, find out how she feels loved, don't just guess at it. What you think will show her love may not be what she looks for. An example would be, maybe you think it would be loving to buy her an expensive gift, but for her, a simple flower picked with a request to spend time together would be more heart touching. These things also change, so don't just ever think "you know", because the second you think you know her, you will stop learning who she is TODAY.
Finally, have fun! You don't get out of life alive, so enjoy it with each other for the time you have together. My grandmother reminds me of this often now, as after 70 years of marriage, her true love has passed on. Those 70 years went a lot faster than either of them would have expected them to.
Communication--Your spouse is not a mind reader
Don't let resentments fester
Love each other in a way that each can appreciate
Persistence--never give up on each other
Love is a verb--action is most important
Boundaries--do not be afraid to defend the marriage and your own feelings
Fight fair--no contempt or name calling
Hug and be playful every day
Don't sweat the small shet.
Don't try to get your own way all the time.
Don't keep score.
Communicate on more than "how was your day".
Date your wife.
Let go of your ego when dealing with problems. Ego has no place in marriage.
Never Keep Secrets ~~~~ Never let the Sun go down on your anger. A little conflict is healthy, do not fear it ~~~Know your spouses Love Languages & live to give what they crave. ~~~~ If you have sexual inhibitions, destroy them! Read books on Sex , Intimacy & Spicing like mad, never let the passion fade.~~~ Continue to date after kids, Laugh with each other, Flirt always, be playful, bring each other up when the other is having a bad day .~~~ May your Lover forever & always be your Best Friend.
Also want to add:
Always be honest with yourself and you spouse.
And Stay a member of TAM so you can get great advice from all the wonderful members here.
I think it's great you're asking this question. You've received a lot of good advice.
-Don't put your marriage on autopilot
-Think of your marriage like a garden. You can go a few days here and there not focusing on it, but ignore it for too long, you'll have big problems and the grass will seem greener elsewhere.
-When you argue or fight, attack the issue not the person. And not every issue is worth arguing about. Pick your battles.
-Don't create a child focused marriage. Children's needs are important. They shouldn't be neglected. The best thing you can do for children is to have a strong, loving marriage.
Be honest. Don't lie about stuff. Don't hide stuff just because being honest about it will cause conflict. Learn how to manage conflict with each other in respectful productive ways. Be considerate of your wife (and expect her to be considerate of you). Figure out your boundaries and hers and make sure you both talk about them. Remember the little things every day, but don't assume that doing so excuses you from the big things. Communicate fairly, even when it is hard to do. Make time for each other even after the honeymoon and go on a date with each other at least once or twice a week. Try new things together but make sure each of you has enough alone time, too. Take care of yourself and make sure you're not just expecting your wife to fulfill all of your needs for everything; self-sufficiency is a good thing. Read some books about marriage to help you get a stronger perspective on how to handle the conflicts that will inevitably come your way. Be happy and appreciate every day the fact that you are lucky to be loved by the one you love.
Thanks everyone for the great advice! I'm really excited for this. Obviously, given our respective pasts, we've both got battle scars, and working through them has been rough, but we are at this point through them I believe.
I just love this woman like nothing else in my life, and want to be able to spend all of my life with her and nobody else.
I agree with all the advice you've received so far. Its all worthwhile. If you are a reader I would suggest you read His Needs, Her Needs and Love Busters. Both books will give you a good idea on how to always take each other into consideration. Also, read the Five Love Languages so that you and she are speaking in a way that the other spouse can understand. And most of all, vow to have a conscious marriage rather than an unconscious one (credit to Athol Kay for that terminology). Do not take your spouse or your marriage for granted. Always be aware of unspoken cues and body language and never assume anything. Communication is key. Openness and honesty at all times. Good luck and congratulations. Many you have many years of happiness together.
.....So what is the list of things that I can/should do to make her the happiest woman in the world, as she makes me the happiest man in the world?
You've received a lot of good advice thus far, so I will try not to be repetitive. Only thing I would add to the list is to communicate with her if something is truly bothering you. One thing I really appreciated and respected about my ex was how he would calmly (and sometimes with humor) call me out on my "bs" during one of my "moments" (rare, of course...) This usually nipped things in the bud without drama for us.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ScubaSteve61
.....I just love this woman like nothing else in my life, and want to be able to spend all of my life with her and nobody else.
This is lovely. May you always feel this way...
I wish you and your fiancée all kinds of love and happiness!
1. House Let your wife be the primary decision-maker about where you live and what house you select. If she's happy, you'll be happy, if she's not, no one will be happy.
2. Marriage first Your marriage should come first, before family and other things.
3. Finances Talk about finances and one spouse should not be controlling. Each should have the ability to spend a little money without supervision or scrutiny.
4. Cheating Ultimately women can tolerate a lot; they may complain but are surprisingly resilient. Cheating is a game-changer for the rest of your life.
5. Wedding It's supposed to be fun, may a few things go different from you expected; life is like that. Go with the flow, enjoy the ups and downs.
6. Sex Reach a healthy medium. Once there are children this will go down. In a good marriage, there's compromise. he's not looking for 4 times a week when she spends 65 hours a week on children, chores, and work, and she can take 10 to 15 minutes out once or twice a week to make him happy.
7. For men, get your wife out of the house. Try to go out Saturday nights, and perhaps a little during the week. Plan a vacation.
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Getting married in 2 weeks, seeking advice 
) This usually nipped things in the bud without drama for us.
