diwali123

Just wondering if it's something you can adapt to women? I took the test and I'm too nice.
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lovesherman

It definitely applies to women as well. Anyone can be a pleaser and not understand how to enforce personal boundaries with others.

It means having the light bulb moment when you realize that you need to articulate your feelings and learn to say no to demands that exhaust you. It means that your point of view is just as valid as your partner's. It means that you think about what action you can take to get what you want without being passive-aggressive.
It means learning take the lead in areas where you excel. It means picking your battles, and sticking to your guns with issues that are important to you.

It works both at home and in the work place to make your relationships stronger.

lamaga

I haven't read the book, but yes, generally, it's good to stop being a Pleaser.

diwali123

One thing that confused me was in the quiz it asked of you get upset when your partner is sexually unavailable. Definitely a huge yes for me and I hate that. What does one thing have to do with the other?
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Mavash.

It means your happiness lies in someone else. Nice girls give away their power just like nice guys do.

lovesherman

As I read the book, taking sexual rejection as a gauge of your self-worth is a nice guy attitude because you are giving your partner power over your feelings about yourself. You should figure out how to arouse your partner, through actions or by explaining that sex is how you connect emotionally to them. If all of your best efforts fail, you should consider leaving to find someone with whom you are sexually compatible.

Nice guys/gals retreat when they are rejected sexually. Instead you need to be pro-active to figure out how to get what you want. Do not allow another person make you feel bad about yourself is the thinking here.

diwali123

Oh ok. That makes sense. We are in MC with a sex therapist, partly because of these issues. It's not my self worth though, it's the fact that I'm horny and I want him to want me. I guess I'm confused. I have talked to him and we have fought about this a lot.
Actually I think we both were nice guys in our previous marriages and we are trying to figure out how to avoid falling in that trap again. Sometimes I feel like he goes too far to the other extreme and is too selfish.
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lovesherman

Have you determined the reason for his lack of interest in sex? That is crucial to figure out--is it depression, too much porn, lack of self-esteem, low test, fear of failure?

Aristotle started a thread about males with low sex drive--good info there.

Mavash.

Bingo!

diwali123

He honestly doesn't like a lot of porn. The thing is I was the second person he had slept with. His ex went from not caring about sex to wanting to sleep with other people and swing and turned into a WW who was sleeping around.
I think he felt pressured by me after the initial excitement wore off. He told our therapist sex feels like a chore because I squirt and we had to put special sheets on the bed and then wash them. After that my desire has gone way down. She suggested we get chux which we have been using but he said we still have to take the time to put them on. Oh the horror.
I'm hoping the therapist can help.
As for your self worth being based on your spouse thinking you are attractive, it's like this. How else do I feel attractive if I'm not allowed to get that from other people? It's like telling someone they can't eat what other people cook but they aren't going to cook for you either.
We used to do it all the time and experiment. For a while it was every other day and now it's like once a week and very vanilla missionary.
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Mavash.

If I told you my husband thought I was unattractive would you believe him? What if 20 people said I look good and 30 said I'm ugly? Who do I believe?

The answer is you believe none of this. What matters is how I feel about myself. If I think I'm beautiful then I'm no longer a slave to other people. My attitude then is either you agree with ME or you don't. Easy enough.

Nsweet

That book is the biggest overrated self-help piece of sh!t I have ever read.

Lon

but you do not suffer from nice guy syndrome, so of course you'd think that. Also it's written from the point of a nice guy, for nice guy's and is not intended as advice for women... I think the author even announced that it is not for women.

I personally think there are a lot of things in common between the nice guy and a codependent, and for women suffering from codependence I could see how the solutions in nmmng could appear to be applicable, maybe even effective, however looking at the whole picture it is a different overall problem. So I guess take what advice you can use and leave the rest, however the book is specific to guys like me who are stuck and have always been stuck trying to please others, completely not even knowing WHAT I want i life and being frustrated going nowhere and not being able to have a plan because of my own ingrained self-limiting attachments.

The book is not BS because it completely nails my issues and offers a practical solution (though has yet to be determined if its effective).

As You Wish

Shouldn't that be a "possible solution" then?

Lon

ok then, it offer a practical "suggestion". By practicality I mean it actually has exercises to work on, rather than just thoughts to ponder.