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Re: What I needed from my husband...if only I had known
Quote:
Originally Posted by SimplyAmorous
His answering "I don't know" ... to these very important issues...this is not enough, you need more than this. Maybe in time.
It is funny you say your Husband did the "Yes Dears" - my husband used to do this to me too (not to death), it was his way of saying..."Look woman, you are getting a little too bossy".... and I knew I was, I didn't like it when he said this, he KNEW it , he was trying to get a rise out of me- it was his form of sarcasm telling me I am pushing the line- getting his point across.
HOW did you react to the "Yes Dears" over the years? Generally when a man stops communicating (if he has in the past -was it GOOD at one time?)... He may no longer feel he has your "Respect" (Respect is huge to men)... that he is being heard, considered, his opionions dowplayed.. If he is passive by his very nature, this gets even worse.... he will do near anything to avoid a confrontatioin /fight & take the path of least resistence to get through the day....
But yet, this doesn't make his lonliness to be heard, and understood go away, so if some woman at work showed him kindness, if he felt he could TALK to her, open up to her and feel "safe" somehow....it all slowly started there. Men have emotional needs too. I am not trying to excuse him by any means.. No Spouse should be so passive as to NOT - get into some confrontation and say what is happening in their souls if they are heading down a slippery slope - to AVOID falling into EA's ~ PA's.
I like to use the term "approachable" when I ask about communication... in the past when the "Yes Dear's" was flying... how was your body language towards him, how was your Reactions if /when he said or shared something you didn't like or agree with... an area of contention??
It seems you feel terrible for your part in not being "enough" in the past for what he needed...although others on here is downplaying this, I feel it is healthy for you to recognize this in yourself - so you are ready for the new changes ...if /when you do get back together with him.
But now... the burden of him opening up before you is what is needed, I so agree with you in what you say here.....
Thinking back, the "yes dears" were an automatic response no matter what the topic. He is so fearful of confrontation that he'll agree just to avoid disagreeing. I remember him doing this with a male friend of his/ours (not saying yes dear but agreeing when he disagreed then got nasty and was miserable to be around) over something trivial as which pizza place to get dinner from. As time went on when I could see the clenched jaw or the tense posture when he did it to me it would aggravate me, or worse he'd do this annoying sigh and then agree...I'd know he didn't agree and sometimes I'd egg him on because I wanted a whole real live person, a reaction, anything. I know, not the most mature way to handle things but as time went on I just got so frustrated and felt so helpless that I wasn't the person he could turn to for anything and everything that I just reacted. What's interesting is that all my life I have been called shy or introverted and he always came across as outgoing, confident and extroverted yet when it's just the two of us the roles seem to be reversed. As time went on I probably did disregard any opinion he may have had because I'd gotten so accostomed to his just agreeing that I didnt see when an opinion was genuine.
Now that we are starting to spend time around one another, I want to get the ball rolling but also don't want to end up dominating the discussions which is what tends to happen too. I don't want to spend weeks talking about general topics and nothing more because we did just fine when we talked about the weather/food/tv, i don't want more of that and only that and deep down he must have always wanted more since he turned to someone else to get it. I don't know what step to take next. He texts me a lot and a few times (like right before I wrote back here) I just called him. I told him the table/chairs he just got looked really nice and went well in his kitchen rather than just answering his text where he sent me the picture. Maybe I'm too forward? I know that I come from an environment where you had to talk loud to be heard and that women were opinionated, he came from an environment just the opposite. I hope the fact that I am including myself in everything, I'm hoping he sees that this is both of us doing the same thing not just a list of things he has to do.
Re: What I needed from my husband...if only I had known
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rasbuten66
Thinking back, the "yes dears" were an automatic response no matter what the topic. He is so fearful of confrontation that he'll agree just to avoid disagreeing. I remember him doing this with a male friend of his/ours (not saying yes dear but agreeing when he disagreed then got nasty and was miserable to be around) over something trivial as which pizza place to get dinner from. As time went on when I could see the clenched jaw or the tense posture when he did it to me it would aggravate me, or worse he'd do this annoying sigh and then agree...
This IS classic passive aggressive behavior, he has learned this over a long haul. Now that you have explained this a little more I think any woman would have been pulling her hair out ! His FEARS and hatred for anything confrontational is very very unhealthy...so he was storing all of his discontent inside.. it was brewing...ready to blow..but kept stuffing... some outwards signs were his clenched jaw and his tense posture -if he had went to a message therapist, I bet she could "feel it" in his body even.
A little conflict is so very healthy, if he ever reads this thread, have him read this article... all about Healthy communication, #5 is specificially about Conflict >>>
I'd know he didn't agree and sometimes I'd egg him on because I wanted a whole real live person, a reaction, anything. I know, not the most mature way to handle things
I can undestand easily how you could come to this place...given his lack of communicating the REAL. Don't beat yourself up too bad.
PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE TRAITS .... "Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man
*FEAR OF DEPENDENCY - Unsure of his autonomy & afraid of being alone, he fights his dependency needs - usually by trying to control you.
*FEAR OF INTIMACY - Guarded & often mistrusful, he is reluctant to show his emotional fragility. He's often out of touch with his feelings, reflexively denying feelings he thinks will "trap" or reveal him, like love. He picks fights to create distance.
*FEAR OF COMPETITION - Feeling inadequate, he is unable to compete with other men in work and love. He may operate either as a self-sabotaging wimp with a pattern of failure, or he'll be the tyrant, setting himself up as unassailable and perfect, needing to eliminate any threat to his power.
*OBSTRUCTIONISM - Just tell a p/a man what you want, no matter how small, and he may promise to get it for you. But he won't say when, and he"ll do it deliberately slowly just to frustrate you. Maybe he won't comply at all. He blocks any real progress he sees to your getting your way.
*FOSTERING CHAOS - The p/a man prefers to leave the puzzle incomplete, the job undone.
*FEELING VICTIMIZED - The p/a man protests that others unfairly accuse him rather than owning up to his own misdeeds. To remain above reporach, he sets himself up as the apparently hapless, innocent victim of your excessive demands and tirades.
*MAKING EXCUSES & LYING - The p/a man reaches as far as he can to fabricate excuses for not fulfilling promises. As a way of withholding information, affirmation or love - to have power over you - the p/a man may choose to make up a story rather than give you a straight answer.
*PROCRASTINATION - The p/a man has an odd sense of time - he believes that deadlines don't exist for him.
*CHRONIC LATENESS & FORGETFULNESS - One of the most infuriating & inconsiderate of all p/a traits is his inability to arrive on time. By keeping you waiting, he sets the ground rules of the relationship. And his selective forgetting - used only when he wants to avoid an obligation.
*AMBIGUITY - He is master of mixed messages and sitting on fences. When he tells you something, you may still walk away wondering if he actually said yes or no.
*SULKING - Feeling put upon when he is unable to live up to his promises or obligations, the p/a man retreats from pressures around him and sulks, pouts and withdraws.
Re: What I needed from my husband...if only I had known
I was reading through the list of P-A traits and could easily see that he has some. The one he is the total opposite is about lateness..he is someone who likes to get places early and doesn't like it when others keep him waiting.
I would love for him to read the article and these posts but not sure how to broach the topic...do I send him the link and hope he reads it? Initially when I found this website and posted I did tell him and he did say he'd read what I posted but then I had second thoughts. From past history we'd email and there was too much assumptions and reactions based on assumption. If he read it while I was with him and available to chat about it on the spot I would prefer that. Not sure he would... Posted via Mobile Device
Re: What I needed from my husband...if only I had known
Oh, my, my Ex could be the poster boy for that description of passive-aggressive men (are p.a. women any different?). I knew he was p.a., but I had kind of forgotten--whew, just reading it made me want to divorce him all over again.
Re: What I needed from my husband...if only I had known
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rasbuten66
I was reading through the list of P-A traits and could easily see that he has some. The one he is the total opposite is about lateness..he is someone who likes to get places early and doesn't like it when others keep him waiting.
I would love for him to read the article and these posts but not sure how to broach the topic...do I send him the link and hope he reads it? Initially when I found this website and posted I did tell him and he did say he'd read what I posted but then I had second thoughts. From past history we'd email and there was too much assumptions and reactions based on assumption. If he read it while I was with him and available to chat about it on the spot I would prefer that. Not sure he would... Posted via Mobile Device
If it was me, I would just ask him...see if he is OPEN to sit down together, and read... talk about the issues.
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Re: What I needed from my husband...if only I had known 
