Long Term Success in MarriageIf you've been married 10+ years and consider your marriage a success, post your success story here. Help others by talking about what works for you.
What I needed from my husband...if only I had known
Oh how I wish I had found this site sooner. In addition to the honesty and faithfulness I needed to be the woman my husband turned to and confided in. I needed to feel like I was important in his life not last on his priority list. Mine would always "yes dear" me and even though his body language said he didn't agree he'd never say. I'd ask what things I do that annoy him and for most of the 15 yrs we were together he'd say nothing. Eventually he came up with I slam the car door and always lock the bathroom door. Once I told him I met with a realtor about selling our marital home back in Sept one thing he said was that I'd always introduce him by his first name instead of using his relation to me. It never occurred to me and would have been an easy fix if only I would've known. By not letting me know and many other things afterwards he would turn to other women. As an aside it never occurred to me to introduce him as boyfriend/fiancé/husband because I grew up in an nvironment where we addressed our parents friends on a first name basis and even my grandparents. If only I had known...
Now our house sold and we split our stuff and the proceeds and each moved to a new residence on our own. We haven't filed for divorce yet and I know I need to do that so I can begin healing. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: What I needed from my husband...if only I had known
Oh, dear. Well, sounds like for good or for bad, you are on your way to a new life. Lots of folks here have been thru that -- most of us, probably! I'm glad you are here, you'll find lots of support and advice.
Re: What I needed from my husband...if only I had known
I was mostly calm until this past week. We had the closing of our house that we sold and the places we each bought on May 30th so it's only been a few weeks. This past weekend one of his calendar reminders popped up on mine (we had once set it up so I would know his schedule since he'd never remember to tell me until the last minute about when he was working his second job)...his reminder was that he was going to another state with a girl. Being me I did some research, saw he booked a hotel on June 13th. Ironically he texted me on Saturday asking if I still wanted to go with him to a concert tomorrow and I called him. He said he was away for the weekend with this guy that he works with on his second job. I became consumed by this. When I sent him the calendar reminder he then said that it was a day trip and she was just a friend. Our issues from the lack of interpersonal communication expanded to his cheating. The first 2 times it was just online/cybersex but cheating just the same since I was rejected and he promised to stop after the first time. The last time was different, it was in person and emotionally based. Did the counseling bit and never got the communication to a regular thing. ANd I agreed to go to this concert with him.
I don't know what to do, he texts me that he is so sorry for what he did and that he misses me so much and still loves me very much. I'm finally getting what I believe is the genuine heartfelt apology I've needed all along. I gave everything I had from 2009 when I found out about the affair until the end of 2010 when i realized that the open line of communication that was so necessary after his cheating was not happening. I gave up at that point, but since neither of us could afford the house on our own and the other person couldnt afford rent plus half that mortgage we agreed to stay in the house together. That probably wasnt the best decision emotionally but what's done is done.
I spent most of last night crying for me, for me and him and what could've been and what should've been. We're not kids, both in our mid-late 40's. We work near each other and his brother works in the same building as me so I can't avoid him.
I have regrets how I handled certain things and wished I had pushed the issue to make things better before he cheated the last time and I have regrets that the first person I ever really loved couldnt come to me and be open. I know he didnt want to split up and I saw it as a last resort. And I regret that with everything that happened my feelings did change towards him, that while I still care about him, do love him and am no longer angry, I'm not in love with him the way I was when we first got married and thru the first few years of our marriage.
Re: What I needed from my husband...if only I had known
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rasbuten66
I was mostly calm until this past week. We had the closing of our house that we sold and the places we each bought on May 30th so it's only been a few weeks. This past weekend one of his calendar reminders popped up on mine (we had once set it up so I would know his schedule since he'd never remember to tell me until the last minute about when he was working his second job)...his reminder was that he was going to another state with a girl. Being me I did some research, saw he booked a hotel on June 13th. Ironically he texted me on Saturday asking if I still wanted to go with him to a concert tomorrow and I called him. He said he was away for the weekend with this guy that he works with on his second job. I became consumed by this. When I sent him the calendar reminder he then said that it was a day trip and she was just a friend. Our issues from the lack of interpersonal communication expanded to his cheating. The first 2 times it was just online/cybersex but cheating just the same since I was rejected and he promised to stop after the first time. The last time was different, it was in person and emotionally based. Did the counseling bit and never got the communication to a regular thing. ANd I agreed to go to this concert with him.
I don't know what to do, he texts me that he is so sorry for what he did and that he misses me so much and still loves me very much. I'm finally getting what I believe is the genuine heartfelt apology I've needed all along. I gave everything I had from 2009 when I found out about the affair until the end of 2010 when i realized that the open line of communication that was so necessary after his cheating was not happening. I gave up at that point, but since neither of us could afford the house on our own and the other person couldnt afford rent plus half that mortgage we agreed to stay in the house together. That probably wasnt the best decision emotionally but what's done is done.
I spent most of last night crying for me, for me and him and what could've been and what should've been. We're not kids, both in our mid-late 40's. We work near each other and his brother works in the same building as me so I can't avoid him.
I have regrets how I handled certain things and wished I had pushed the issue to make things better before he cheated the last time and I have regrets that the first person I ever really loved couldnt come to me and be open. I know he didnt want to split up and I saw it as a last resort. And I regret that with everything that happened my feelings did change towards him, that while I still care about him, do love him and am no longer angry, I'm not in love with him the way I was when we first got married and thru the first few years of our marriage.
Sorry for rambling...
Hi Ras:
I am wondering if you should ask a moderator to move this thread to one of the divorce forums or coping with infidelty as I think you will get more responses and ideas for how to work through your feeling and emotions.
Re: What I needed from my husband...if only I had known
Hey Ras,
Don't take the blame for your husband cheating!!!
If his only complaints are what you mentioned (referring to him by name instead of as husband, etc.) then he is just trying to blame shift. These are very petty things and shouldn't amount to anyone cheating on their spouse.
Your marriage wasn't perfect (nobodies is) and any issues in your marriage were probably each of your faults. But the cheating is 100% his fault. Don't take any blame for that.
Re: What I needed from my husband...if only I had known
Quote:
Originally Posted by SadSamIAm
Hey Ras,
Don't take the blame for your husband cheating!!!
If his only complaints are what you mentioned (referring to him by name instead of as husband, etc.) then he is just trying to blame shift. These are very petty things and shouldn't amount to anyone cheating on their spouse.
Your marriage wasn't perfect (nobodies is) and any issues in your marriage were probably each of your faults. But the cheating is 100% his fault. Don't take any blame for that.
Thank you!! I have been second guessing myself and questioning my actions but you're right, he made that choice, he had options, like coming to me, he didn't have to go to that girl.
I know for me at some point I just shut down because I didn't know how to address any issues with someone I couldn't talk with. I figured if he and I couldnt discuss getting a pet or going on a vacation then how could we discuss something really important?!?!
Re: What I needed from my husband...if only I had known
He didn't cheat because you had issues as a couple. He cheated because he has personal issues. Likely the same ones that kept him from talking openly. My stbxh was the same way. You deserve the respect of someone who will let you in...the lack of intimacy in our marriages was not ok, and you are doing the right thing moving on! Posted via Mobile Device
Re: What I needed from my husband...if only I had known
Does life and stuff get easier over time? The whole idea of dating is scary probably because I haven't filed for divorce yet. I'm hoping that I'm not too jaded because of what happened when I do give myself the ok to move forward...
Re: What I needed from my husband...if only I had known
On Saturday we did go to the concert together and I almost lost it during two songs because of the lyrics. When we got back to my place I don't know how it started but we ended up talking and crying for almost an hour. I don't know where things stand now, we both said things that needed to be said so even if there is no reconciliation at least there was some closure. Because his affair was 3 years ago and had it not been for a bad car accident that put my life on hold he and I would have been going thru this 2 years ago (I had been advised not to make emotionally based decisions when he came clean so at the time I agreed to honor our existing commitments while we figured out if we were going to work out). It was during this time that the car accident occured and I was in no physical condition to exist on my own for a long time. What he and I did was continue to live in the same house, different bedrooms, but would otherwise do as we normally do, I would do laundry/bills and he would cook and most of the cleaning and we'd share the grocery shopping and do errands together. He even came with my to my niece's first birthday party the end of March this year. In hindsight I realize this was not a healthy thing because once we sold the house and went on our own there was no closure.
He feels very much a part of my family and asked if he could go with me to visit my grandmother who is in an assisted living the next time I go. I'm going on Wed and he said he'd pick me up at the train station and drive us to my grandmother then later take me back to the train station. I don't know what this means or if I'm setting myself up for more anguish or a chance for a new beginning with him or the readiness to open myself up to meeting someone new. I told him about these boards and that I had posted on here. I originally offered to send him the lijnk to what I wrote or copy/paste in an email. He said he'd read but then I had 2nd thoughts. I'd like to read it to him and be there when he hears it so i can see his reaction and talk thru it, whereas in an email based on past history he may not "get it" and never respond.
I've just been more confused since then. He texts me more and more, but just general stuff like the weather or asking me a question about something non personal.
Re: What I needed from my husband...if only I had known
Quote:
Rabuttn66 said: On Saturday we did go to the concert together and I almost lost it during two songs because of the lyrics. When we got back to my place I don't know how it started but we ended up talking and crying for almost an hour.
It sounds to me like there is definite hope there for a heartfelt reconciliation....what do you think ?
If you are both missing what was, what could have been (I seen you said this!)... If so, don't throw it all away ! Sometimes it takes one to really hit the bottom of the barrel, really messing up out of desperation....realizing this is headed in the wrong direction...but we can all rise from the ashes.... If 2 want it bad enough.
This time right now is vital, pray about it, maybe there was a reason you couldn't plunge ahead for that divorce... don't allow something good slip through your fingers. Sure he screwed up...and badly, but.... if the love is still there..attraction, passion... if genuine remorse is there with a willingness to throw yourselves back into each others arms and make it work this time, realizing those mistakes, wanting to make up for them.... Fight for it.
Re: What I needed from my husband...if only I had known
We spent yesterday together, he went with me to visit my grandmother and took her to lunch, then we spent some time together too, I saw where he is living now. We talked about spending time together, essentially dating and i said that I wasn't going to file for divorce any time soon, that I would give things a chance with us however what I would need is total and complete honesty and no secrets, and as difficult some things will be to share and hear that we both need to do this. The one thing I can't help but ask him is "what is it that allowed you to turn to the OW and open to her yet never ever tell me anything personal (he'd just "yes dear" me to death)...his answer as always is "I don't know." Now I'm not sure if that is just a knee-jerk response or genuine, but wouldn't "I don't know" mean that there is a high likelyhood that he'll get involved with someone else again?
Re: What I needed from my husband...if only I had known
Quote:
his answer as always is "I don't know".
His answering "I don't know" ... to these very important issues...this is not enough, you need more than this. Maybe in time.
It is funny you say your Husband did the "Yes Dears" - my husband used to do this to me too (not to death), it was his way of saying..."Look woman, you are getting a little too bossy".... and I knew I was, I didn't like it when he said this, he KNEW it , he was trying to get a rise out of me- it was his form of sarcasm telling me I am pushing the line- getting his point across.
HOW did you react to the "Yes Dears" over the years? Generally when a man stops communicating (if he has in the past -was it GOOD at one time?)... He may no longer feel he has your "Respect" (Respect is huge to men)... that he is being heard, considered, his opionions dowplayed.. If he is passive by his very nature, this gets even worse.... he will do near anything to avoid a confrontatioin /fight & take the path of least resistence to get through the day....
But yet, this doesn't make his lonliness to be heard, and understood go away, so if some woman at work showed him kindness, if he felt he could TALK to her, open up to her and feel "safe" somehow....it all slowly started there. Men have emotional needs too. I am not trying to excuse him by any means.. No Spouse should be so passive as to NOT - get into some confrontation and say what is happening in their souls if they are heading down a slippery slope - to AVOID falling into EA's ~ PA's.
I like to use the term "approachable" when I ask about communication... in the past when the "Yes Dear's" was flying... how was your body language towards him, how was your Reactions if /when he said or shared something you didn't like or agree with... an area of contention??
It seems you feel terrible for your part in not being "enough" in the past for what he needed...although others on here is downplaying this, I feel it is healthy for you to recognize this in yourself - so you are ready for the new changes ...if /when you do get back together with him.
But now... the burden of him opening up before you is what is needed, I so agree with you in what you say here.....
Quote:
that I would give things a chance with us however what I would need is total and complete honesty and no secrets, and as difficult some things will be to share and hear that we both need to do this.
2Likes
What I needed from my husband...if only I had known 
