Can chaotic dysfunctional relationships reverse?

Confused99 · 07-09-2012, 10:26 PM

Hubby&I's relationship has been very chaotic and it is pretty toxic and dysfunctional. Not abusive though so it could be worse. But then I have a couple of friends and they say they don't ever doubt being with their spouse and they never really fight they just bicker or disagree. So when Im thinking about trying to work things out with my husband its hard not to think that the whole relationship is just wrong b/c it seems like its possible to be sure of your relationship and not have drama. So...from people who have been together a while or know people who have etc. whats the truth??? Do all couples go through chaos/dysfunction/problems...do some but they can still get through it...do no good long lasting relationships have these problems??

chiben · 07-09-2012, 10:39 PM

Every couple deals with problems differently. Some fight over it, some only have discussions. I guess it has to do with their personalities. Do you end up solving the problems without damaging the relationship permanently?
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Confused99 · 07-10-2012, 10:20 AM

at this point..no..but can that change?

moxy · 07-10-2012, 10:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Confused99

at this point..no..but can that change?

Only if you both make a real effort to change the problematic dynamic between you both.

What's causing the drama? Is it some kind of immaturity within one or both of you? Are you both just excited by the drama? Are your conflict resolution skills and communication skills poor?

If you want to change, go to counseling or read some books about communication and relationships and start talking about it with each other a little more honestly so you can get to the source of the problem. If it's gratifying some need or desire, then it's just going to continue. If one or both of you do not actually want things to change or get better, then won't. If you ignore the problems, they just worsen. If it's a problem, tackle it head on and make sure that both of you are ready to deal with it.

Confused99 · 07-10-2012, 11:19 AM

The drama has been caused by multiple factors. For starters...we reunited shortly after my first divorce (current hubby&I dated in high school). #2 we rushed & got married too soon without thinking enough and having the important conversations about what we wanted and where we wanted our relationship to head to etc. #3 we were both young and still are #4 hes in the Marine Corps..military life is very stressful #5 last year he was diagnosed w/ ADHD & I was diagnosed w/ Bipolar #6 we both need a lot of work in the communication department

Considering our personalities & conditions I feel like us having a peachy minimal drama relationship just wasnt very feasible..but we have been separated for 5 months now & I have been on medication and in individual therapy and Im just wondering if our whole relationship was just one big mistake doomed to trainwreck and that I need to just keep working on myself and eventually get into a healthy relationship with a less risky personality/mental condition dynamic...or can current hubby&I turn what started off as hell into something healthy and functioning even with all the damage that has been done already

FirstYearDown · 07-10-2012, 02:43 PM

My husband and I had a chaotic relationship when we were dating. The drama was due to his immature and selfish behavior. My husband did a complete 180 once he saw that I would move on without him. We also learned to communicate in ways that were not destructive.

Five years later, I couldn't ask for a better hubby.

Chaotic relationships can change, but both people have to want it.

burgh_mom · 07-13-2012, 02:12 PM

as long as you are considering a way out, you will always have one foot out the door. agree with firstyeardown, both of you have to want to fix it. would venture a guess that only one of you sees a problem with the way things are?

marriage takes work.

Mavash. · 07-13-2012, 02:15 PM

I had a chaotic marriage at first but we sought MC/IC and worked hard to fix it. We are happy now.

Anything can be fixed if BOTH parties are willing to work hard towards fixing it.

Encore DT · 07-18-2012, 04:01 PM

Ultimately whether or not you can turn the relationship around will depend on the level of commitment and dedication from both you and your husband. You definitely seem committed to improving yourself individually, which is a necessary first step. But are you committed to rebuilding the relationship? Is your husband? Is your husband committed to improving himself as well? Is he willing to go through therapy, both individual and marriage counseling?

Just a few things to think about...

Emma1981 · 07-20-2012, 12:19 AM

Wow - I too have a chaotic marriage with a former marine and we also got married too soon. Currently we are living apart and he is suffering from PTSD? I want to fix it, he doesn't know.