Long Term Success in MarriageIf you've been married 10+ years and consider your marriage a success, post your success story here. Help others by talking about what works for you.
Having been married for 25 years, here are my suggestions.
For both
1. Commitment to the marriage is the key to success. That's why so many second marriages fail. If each one starts with preserving his assets, being more assertive and looking out for himself, things are doomed. That's why so many marriages with pre-nuptual agreements fail.
2. Do what makes your spouse happy, not what you think he or she should want or like. You're a husband who works 70 hours a week to support your family. If your wife comments, she may want to spend more time with you and the family, even if the money were less. Your a mini-Martha Stewart who spends hours making a perfect home and parties; perhaps your husband would want some alone time, even with a less than perfect house.
3. Each should have some money You want to be financially sufficient, not get into bad debt. But the precise financial styles vary. However, neither person should have no input and lack the ability to get some basic things he or she needs. Good marriages involve mutuality, not dominance.
4. Get along with your inlaws. Be flexible. You don't have to love them; you do have to be respectful.
5. Read Gray's Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. Get to understand how the opposite sex approaches problem- men tend to withdraw, women to verbalize. If there is a major purchase, and a woman says, I have to speak with my husband, she is saying we have a loving marriage, we are a couple and make decisions together. When a man says that, he is saying I have limited power, it hurts me to tell people that but I don't have the ability to make these decisions on my own. Men like to solve problems, while women would prefer someone who just listens and sympathizes.
Men
1. Let your wife choose the house and location. If she's happy you both will be, but the converse if not true.
2. Wives can forgive a lot of things but infidelity is not one.
You will hear about it the rest of your life if the marriage survives. Be careful of cute, pleasant, attractive women who are happy to see you. I saw one such pretty lady, who constantly smiled at me and laughed; she later told me she had bought a new home with her husband from a sexual harassment settlement she got.
3. Go out Saturday night. Try to get vacations. Women love cruises. Don't be a complete homebody. For some reason, they adore plans and preparation.
4. Sex, first be reasonable. If you now have two toddlers, you are not going to be doing 3 times a week. That said, if your wife becomes distant, do not approach the issue straight-on. Instead, become likewise more distant, dress better, go out, and then when she asks if something is wrong, put her sexual unavailabity in the context of other issues and problems. She needs to understand she can't say, we have a good marraige with no sex; it's like a man saying we have a good marriage, and my wife doesn't mind me getting other women now and then.
5. Talk about issues and problems. You are better off addressing them, even if you periodically get some aggravation.
6. Be neat. Don't consider household issues your wife's problem even if she does not mention it. If you can afford it, get some household help. Likewise if you can afford it and have a party, pay 75-100 for help so your wife doesn't have to work throughout her party.
Women
1. You have some insecurities about your body but don't tell your husband about them because he has an idolized view of you. If you say, are my legs fat, he might say, a little, but don't worry about it, I love you anyway. You may be self-critical, but he does not want you criticizing him in front of other people or talking about the children's problems. You may have to discuss it, but the less said in his presence the better.
2. Most husbands don't like to talk. You want to make that easier for him.
3. Be supportive. Husbands want to be respected. If he is having problems at work, he wants a wife who will tell him how smart or creative he is and make him feel better.
4. Have a reasonable sex life. Spending 10-15 minutes once or twice a week to keep your husband happy should not be that hard. If he's doing something wrong there, tell him.
Particularly the "men are from mars women are from Venus" that guys no expert.
Also you can make sex mutually passionate and exciting, no one should just be giving in and doing it a few times a week for 15 minutes. It should be something you both desire strongly. There are plenty of ways to make your wife want you.
Also finances if you trust your Gus and and he likes to be the sole provider there is nothing wrong with that, also nothing wrong with dominance in a marraige, if the person is fair minded and not selfish, able to do their fair share and doesn't act like another child you have to take care of, then it's great as a female to feel like you can trust them to take care of you. Posted via Mobile Device
Particularly the "men are from mars women are from Venus" that guys no expert.
Also you can make sex mutually passionate and exciting, no one should just be giving in and doing it a few times a week for 15 minutes. It should be something you both desire strongly. There are plenty of ways to make your wife want you.
Also finances if you trust your husband and he likes to be the sole provider there is nothing wrong with that, also nothing wrong with dominance in a marraige, if the person is fair minded and not selfish, able to do their fair share and doesn't act like another child you have to take care of, then it's great as a female to feel like you can trust them to take care of you. Posted via Mobile Device
Your points would not be good advise for our marriage.
We mutually agree upon where we live, the house and location. If one doesn't like it, we keep looking. We both need to be content with those decisions.
The idea of cruises doesn't appeal to me. My husband is the planner, I'm not. I "wing" stuff a lot and it seems to pan out well for me/us. My husband is a planner and that pans out well for him/us too. We have a balance in our approach. Sometimes I plan because I know he values that. Sometimes he wings it because he knows that's how I roll.
The topic of sex....... there are many women/wives that highly value and desire frequent and indulgent sex. I don't know what else to say to your point regarding that. It's mutually beneficial and connecting. I don't need to spend 10-15minutes to make my husband happy as "it's not that hard". It's not about what he can "get". No, that type of attitude doesn't fly with me and wouldn't fit into our marriage. I want to be intimate with him because I desire him. I desire him because I have admiration for him.
I agree with being flexible and respectful in regards to in-laws but that respect needs to be reciprocated too. I do feel it's the place of the husband/wife of whoever's relatives it is, to remind their relatives of that when needed.
Bottom-line: respect and support should be mutual, along with meeting each others needs. I think it's important to have your own sense of self as well as being there for one another. I feel that needs can change and unhealthy patterns can develop. Once that's recognized, it's what we do with that awareness that matters. Take ownership of one's own behavior.
*LittleDeer* said: Also finances if you trust your husband and he likes to be the sole provider there is nothing wrong with that, also nothing wrong with dominance in a marraige, if the person is fair minded and not selfish, able to do their fair share and doesn't act like another child you have to take care of, then it's great as a female to feel like you can trust them to take care of you.
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Bobby5000 said: 3. Each should have some money You want to be financially sufficient, not get into bad debt.
If this is meaning both should hold jobs...then we fall out of your marital success tips....my husband is the sole breadwinner... I have always had a few side jobs but I could never survive on them... he prefers me home with the kids & taking care of the house, cooking , cleaning , all of it. ....this was our preferred Plan from the very beginning, and I have always felt blessed we could "swing" it.
It has worked wonderfully for 22 yrs so far... I am very good with $$, he tells people his wife can squeeze a dime out of a nickel. I am pretty much the planner, the researcher for the best deals to be had, the secretary behind near every dallor we spend. His money is my money, my little wad is his. We sit down & talk to each other, pros & cons -for every bigger purchase, any life change ....we shop together too. I plan all the vacations we take. We hit the Debt free mark before we had our last son, we worked together doing many do it yourself projects to save $$ over the years...... it is very freeing.
Like Heartsbeating, I never cared for Cruises either...no desire there... I'd rather get a Romantic country cabin in the woods with a hot tub outside, do hiking trails to view waterfalls or someting -in nature walking hand in hand. Privacy and romance -is what does it for me.
The old fashioned traditional lifestyle works very well for us.
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Heartsbeating said: The topic of sex....... there are many women/wives that highly value and desire frequent and indulgent sex. I don't know what else to say to your point regarding that. It's mutually beneficial and connecting. I don't need to spend 10-15minutes to make my husband happy as "it's not that hard". It's not about what he can "get". No, that type of attitude doesn't fly with me and wouldn't fit into our marriage. I want to be intimate with him because I desire him. I desire him because I have admiration for him.
I have to agree here too... I am revved & seem to want it a little more than my husband these days... he says this is not true though....it is just because he is more tired than me at nighttime.... But he does work all day -LOL. If all I got was 3 times a week, I'd be feeling we are missing out
My personal thoughts for long term success are :
Never Keep Secrets ~~~~ Never let the Sun go down on your anger. A little conflict is healthy, do not fear it ~~~Know your spouses Love Languages & live to give what they crave. ~~~~ If you have sexual inhibitions, destroy them! Read books on Sex , Intimacy & Spicing like mad, never let the passion fade.~~~ Continue to date after kids, Laugh with each other, Flirt always, be playful, bring each other up when the other is having a bad day .~~~ May your Lover forever & always be your Best Friend.
1. Let your wife choose the house and location. If she's happy you both will be, but the converse if not true.
Within financial reason.
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That said, if your wife becomes distant, do not approach the issue straight-on. Instead, become likewise more distant, dress better, go out, and then when she asks if something is wrong, put her sexual unavailabity in the context of other issues and problems. She needs to understand she can't say, we have a good marraige with no sex; it's like a man saying we have a good marriage, and my wife doesn't mind me getting other women now and then.
So your response to no sex is to start going out partying without her? And then directly imply you're getting women on the side or could?
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4. Have a reasonable sex life. Spending 10-15 minutes once or twice a week to keep your husband happy should not be that hard. If he's doing something wrong there, tell him.
10-15 minutes? Really? You're satisfied with that?
Continue to build the intimacy both sexually and emotionally. Create a passion for life and for one another. Forgive one another. Don't hang on to past baggage and past hurts just forget. Like one another and be friends with each other. Have fun together, laugh together, and use humor in healthy ways. Comfort, encourage, and affirm one another. Respect one another's need for privacy and space. Keep romance alive in your marriage. These tips give you long term Success.
Appreciate the comments and discussions. I'll respond to a few.
"Continue to build the intimacy both sexually and emotionally. Create a passion for life and for one another. Forgive one another. Don't hang on to past baggage and past hurts just forget. Like one another and be friends with each other. Have fun together, laugh together, and use humor in healthy ways. Comfort, encourage, and affirm one another. Respect one another's need for privacy and space. Keep romance alive in your marriage. " Great comments and insights.
"there are many women/wives that highly value and desire frequent and indulgent sex." I don't think this is true. Studies find an average of about twice a week, and my stories talk about a lessening of desire with children, work responsibilties, stress. I don't think the average woman who got up 6:00 A.M. with a toddler, got 5 hours of sleep, cleaned the house, worked a job for 4, came back, cleaned the house, cooked dinner, says, at 10:30 P.M., let's do it. My point is that with busy schedules, people have to make time for one another, perhaps the husband picks up dinner, does some cleaning, helps with the chores and they can find a few minutes together.
"Also finances if you trust your husband and he likes to be the sole provider there is nothing wrong with that." More happy marriages involve communication and discussion. To have one person dictate even benovolently is probably not the best idea. If both are involved, they can allocate it successfully.
obviously there are many things that contribute to longevity but the one that sticks out for me is accepting those little things that can drive you nuts. Honestly though, I think its pretty cut-and-dried. the couple has total chemistry, or some balance of chemistries that get them there. if balance isnt maintained naturally then it will loose stability. It cant be something you have to work at too hard. atleast thats my theory after 20years and stronger than ever
obviously there are many things that contribute to longevity but the one that sticks out for me is accepting those little things that can drive you nuts.
Throw in a sense of humor. After almost 30 years, Spouse and I still get the giggles over the most inane things. The lying-in-bed-together in the dark kind of laughs are the best, though sometimes Spouse will laugh so hard he poots, then wants to dutch oven me. That often leads to kicking covers and trying to push one another away, which leads to .... nicer things Sometimes I can't believe we're in our 50s and 60s and acting like that.
Being amenable to change over what some consider big things. I was a crazy cat lady when we started dating. Dh-to-be didn't like cats; didn't like any animals, really, but that was because his mother never allowed pets. I was a love-me-love-my-cats kinda person. DH2B said he'd try to learn to like my cats, but the purries sure didn't help. One cat sprayed his shoes whenever he came over to my place. I got my cats fixed, bought Dh a new pair of shoes and put the cats in carriers for the first few hours of each visit until everyone learned to get along. These days, Dh is just as big an animal nut as me.
The in-law thing. If mutual respect doesn't happen, your spouse comes before your family. No argument about that. My grandmother was an extreme meddler. She never liked the spouses any of her children chose, no matter that they might be G*d's finest creation. She wasn't happy unless she could stir up trouble. Her kids largely put up with it. I didn't. She tried it once with my husband; they got into some minor disagreement and when we left her apartment, she fired a parting shot "you can come back to visit me, he can't." I said "fine. Dh didn't say anything that warrants that kind of treatment (in fact, he apologized to her even though she was in the wrong)." She was adamant. Dh had done something to tick her off, he acted like a gentleman and offered his apology, but I would not, nor would I allow Dh, to do the groveling she always expected. Family members tried to intervene, saying "well, she's just an old woman, she'll never change." I rebutted "..and that's because you all were wimps and didn't tell her to behave or suffer the consequences. You just bent over and took it. I will not." I gave her chances after that, inviting her to dinner, asking if she'd like to go out with us, but she'd refuse unless, as she stated "you make sure he's not there." I never saw her again. She helped raise me; I looked after her for several years. But I was not going to subject my husband to the kind of harassment and meanness she felt she had the right to inflict just because they were born or married into her sphere of influence.
I've always considered marriage a work-in-progress. You have to be tolerant to change; willing to tweak a joint here and there; accept those things that are immutable but not a danger to your relationship; and be able to laugh. Humor is the one kind of remedy that has helped us through a lot.
I believe it's important to avoid taking each other for granted /becoming complaicent.
Another big one is not stockpiling resentments. Get things off your chest, rather than sweep stuff under the rug to eat away and slowly erode the relationship.
Additionally, it it necessary to WORK at keeping the romance going - have quality time together, appreciate each other. The link below has some advice about this.
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Guides for long-term success 
Sometimes I can't believe we're in our 50s and 60s and acting like that. 
