kate542

42 years of marriage and I feel trapped.
The first I would say 20 yrs we were alright just the usual marriage arguments, then he seemed to change.
To most people he is an easy going likeable man and is liked but at home he as become on occasions this very nasty individual.
I am a strong minded person and don't put up with his behavior so this makes things worse. He is very selfish, I have Christmas & birthdays without even a card, because he's not bothered he doesn't see why I should be. He know this upsets me but doesn't care.
He calls me nasty ***** because I stand up for myself and says everyone hates me which is so untrue as I have good friends. I don't feel I can talk to them as they have health problems.
He's controlling and if I need to make a large purchase there is generally a row. It's not that we don't have the money which I could understand. For instance our settees are over 30 years old and need replacing but he won't discuss the need to do this. I've said I'll make the purchase out of my saving but he went into a tantrum about using my own money.
When we have had a row he gets up the next day as if nothing as happened everything washes over him and if I try and talk about the problems he says I'm trying for another argument.
We are in our late 60s both have our own interests don't do anything together other than holidays. We basically house share have our own bedrooms, he doesn't care or support me in anything, never thanks or appreciates anything I do and there is never a kind word.
If I left I would be putting myself financially in a bad situation.
I am never happy and feel depressed and stressed most of the time. I just want to manage my situation because when I get depressed I just stay home and don't do anything, he says I'm wallowing in self pity.

Mavash.

Why didn't you leave 20 years ago?

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

I'm so very sorry your in this situation. There's got to be a way to break free of this living condition. Set up your own bank account and put money in there to have something to fall back on. If you decide to divorce, he will have to pay alimony for a certain amount of time depending on the judge. My BIL pays 2500 for 15 years. He has the house and children. His ex w does pay child support. His ex w was unfaithful and was able to obtain 400,000 cash from the assets. She said very clearly in front of the lawyers that she'll get at least 1,000,000 from him, which she did.

I'm not telling you to be unfair, but to be fair with this. Your husband will only change for himself. I hope your able to find happiness in some way. It sounds like you've been miserable a very long time.

Are you working? If not, this is a great time to look for employment to support yourself until your able to retire. Good luck.

When I divorced my ex I wanted out. I only asked a flat fee of $200 in child support which he tried several times to modify. He wanted to pay nothing. I was more then fair, but I regret my decision of asking too little.

WillIMake36?

I am so sorry for your pain. I too am now looking to leave after 35 years of marriage. After reading your post I realized that waiting until I am in my 60's will only make things worse. I wish you the best of luck and hope that you find some measure of happiness for your self.

Threetimesalady

IMO, no woman should live in misery neither when she is young or especially as she ages...I am sure with children it can be rough, but being older it can make the thought of tomorrow a living nightmare...You women who have written here are both young....You have some of the best years of your life ahead of you...I know this for a fact......

I wish I could find the right words to say the perfect answer to your problem, but I can't....I can only tell you that these should be happy years in your life....Make every minute count...

I send you all my love and best wishes....Sincerely, Caroline...

WillIMake36?

thank you so much caroline. it's such a scary thing, you know? the thought of being alone after so many years. but you're so right. thanks so much for your encouragement.

Vizion

I think hes loosing it, the crotchity old *&%$. I'm am reading more and more threads where the man doesnt respect his wife and its starting to pi$$ me off. Let me come over and talk to him like he talks to you. Maybe if you werent around anymore he would realize what he had

Mr Blunt

Get yourself in the financial position to leave.



When you are ready to leave then write him a note (No talking face to face) and tell him what you so desperately needed from him. Do not tell him how wrong he is just let him know that he could have made your life so much better because he is the one you loved at one time. Tell him that you may contact him in the future if you think there maybe some hope.

Then leave and find another interest that will help keep your self discipline and emotional health in tact or improved. You may have to have no contact with him for weeks or months. You will suffer but ask yourself the question

Will I suffer more than I am now?


If your husband has any love for you he will be thinking very hard about what he has lost. He may make a change and become a much better emotional support for you.
I can not think of another action that may change him. Can you?

If he has love for you he will make some change for the better.
If he does not have any love for you then you are much better off making new friends and seeking appropriate emotional and spiritual help.


Your life is not over; there is a lot out there for some one in heir 60s that takes actions to help themselves emotionally and spiritually

still.trying

I am 30 and have only been married 10 years and you just described my life. Is there no hope for me?

kate542

Thanks everyone for the comments and suggestions I appreciate your time in trying to help me.
I've felt really depressed for a few days this week and haven't had the motivation to do anything including sending a reply.

I realised some weeks ago that the only thing I could do was try and help the situation by seeing a councilor, someone I can sit down and talk things over with.

I now have an appointment for early August and if I can manage my stress and depression somehow this may be helpful to me.

My nephews wife rang me today and we had a long talk just things in general but it cheered me up so much.

日本顎の恋人

If you're 62, you should be collecting Social Security(assuming you're in the US?). Doesn't matter if you've never worked, you can collect from your husband's eligibility. If your income is limited, speak to Social Services about your eligibility for assistance in housing and utilities. My grandmother spent the last ... gosh .. 12-14 years of her life living in a nice high rise. It wasn't a nursing home or assisted living, but an actual small apartment. Rent was determined by her SS income. My nearly 80YO mother also gets assistance for her rent and utilities, though she isn't living in an elder-oriented building.

I'd also see a lawyer (again, low income services might be able to help you with that) about your rights to property and possible support.

Approach your husband through a position of strength and knowledge. If you do qualify for assistance, you can tell him "yanno, I could be living (THIS) kind of life if I chose to leave you." If he tells you to go ahead, inform him that you would also have property rights to your home. You could possibly force a sale and be able to say "my new apartment is going to be furnished nicely with all new furniture, paid for by my half of this house."

Even if leaving is something you don't want to do, arm yourself to bluff him. These men ....::shakes head::: .... damn. They think because a woman has put up with years of their crap, they can keep dispensing it and the woman will just take it. He needs his ass kicked. The boot will land a lot harder if you can show you have ammunition to back it up. Who knows .. you may force him to take another look at your life. Even if you don't live together as a couple, perhaps counseling (for the both of you) can allow you to create an amicable, amenable co-housing relationship.

Blessings and good luck.

Ayla

You already don't get along so why not try to enjoy life despite the situation? If you end up divorced so be it but you need to make some happiness right now. He is going to be miserable and mean no matter what. So unless you are afraid of physical retaliation you shouldn't let his attitude stop you from buying your furniture or from going out without him. Let him sulk. My dad is a crab and my mom used to let his pouting control her every move. She used to be miserable. After she retired she stopped caring as much. She made friends and started going out to lunch...casino...church. When my dad gives her an attitude she just leaves and goes shopping or does something else that makes her feel good. She is a much happier.