Sad to see - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 42 (permalink) Old 02-19-2016, 10:13 AM
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Re: Sad to see

If you consider, though, all those who are in a 20+ year marriage as I am, but are trapped in the marriage and can't get out due to what would happen to finances in a divorce, the numbers drop off even more. If men were allowed to get divorced just as easily as women can, I think you would be very hard pressed to have any marriage last more than 20 years. Our's definitely wouldn't have lasted.


"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #32 of 42 (permalink) Old 02-20-2016, 03:46 AM
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Re: Sad to see

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Originally Posted by jb02157 View Post
If you consider, though, all those who are in a 20+ year marriage as I am, but are trapped in the marriage and can't get out due to what would happen to finances in a divorce, the numbers drop off even more. If men were allowed to get divorced just as easily as women can, I think you would be very hard pressed to have any marriage last more than 20 years. Our's definitely wouldn't have lasted.
Perhaps the answer is to make divorce harder for everyone?
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post #33 of 42 (permalink) Old 02-20-2016, 11:55 AM
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Re: Sad to see

We have 3 morning alarms, first one is so we can commence "the cuddle", second one (half hour later) is when he should get up and start getting ready but if "the cuddle" has developed into something further, then we have alarm number 3 which means, now you have to move quickly or be late!

I wouldn't be able to start the day without the cuddle.
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post #34 of 42 (permalink) Old 02-22-2016, 11:28 AM
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Re: Sad to see

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Perhaps the answer is to make divorce harder for everyone?
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Agreed, at least level the playing field so that if a woman wants to get divorced, she has the same financial considerations to navigate and can't count on a man to provide money to her for the rest of her life.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #35 of 42 (permalink) Old 02-22-2016, 11:32 AM
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Re: Sad to see

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Originally Posted by jb02157 View Post
If you consider, though, all those who are in a 20+ year marriage as I am, but are trapped in the marriage and can't get out due to what would happen to finances in a divorce, the numbers drop off even more. If men were allowed to get divorced just as easily as women can, I think you would be very hard pressed to have any marriage last more than 20 years. Our's definitely wouldn't have lasted.
Do you know if there are studies that show most 20+ year marriages are only in existence b/c the spouse feels trapped? Just seems a bit grim to imply that most long term marriages are only in existence due to unfavorable circumstances.
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post #36 of 42 (permalink) Old 02-22-2016, 11:37 AM
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Re: Sad to see

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Do you know if there are studies that show most 20+ year marriages are only in existence b/c the spouse feels trapped? Just seems a bit grim to imply that most long term marriages are only in existence due to unfavorable circumstances.
Grim but true in my experience. I don't know of any study that has any data about this but I would think that the data would be skewed since alot of people wouldn't be telling the truth. I would be interesting to see data on this.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #37 of 42 (permalink) Old 02-22-2016, 11:42 AM
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Re: Sad to see

EllisRedding is right. The vast majority of 20+ year marriages that I know of are very happy ones, usually being very obvious happy ones.

It's sad that there are those people that are staying married because the alternative is worse. Life is much, much too short to not be happy. Either work on making the marriage better, or move on, and that works for both spouses. Is she not willing to do her part? Either way, it's time to have the "talk", and the follow through if necessary, in my opinion.
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post #38 of 42 (permalink) Old 02-22-2016, 11:43 AM
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Re: Sad to see

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Originally Posted by jb02157 View Post
Grim but true in my experience. I don't know of any study that has any data about this but I would think that the data would be skewed since alot of people wouldn't be telling the truth. I would be interesting to see data on this.
Thanks, I definitely understand with your experience. For me I have seen many people have happy/long marriages (from what I can tell of course) and others that didn't last (my parents got divorced probably close to the 20 yr mark). It would be interesting if people were truly honest how many would walk away from their marriage if they could easily without any repercussions.
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post #39 of 42 (permalink) Old 02-22-2016, 12:10 PM
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Re: Sad to see

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Originally Posted by EllisRedding View Post
Thanks, I definitely understand with your experience. For me I have seen many people have happy/long marriages (from what I can tell of course) and others that didn't last (my parents got divorced probably close to the 20 yr mark). It would be interesting if people were truly honest how many would walk away from their marriage if they could easily without any repercussions.
I think the problem is definitely in the "repercussions". A marriage that has lasted that long easily has many areas that would be affected, life styles, careers, retirement, health care just to name a few. You can't easily end a marriage at this point without affecting all of them and so to not affect all these things you just put up the negative situations in the marriage. Also for men, the longer you wait, the more you owe your ex. If you all of the sudden took away all those considerations I would think alot of people would jump at the opportunity. This is why people aren't getting married these days, they have the flexibility to end a relationship without paying anybody anything. I sure wish I had that option now.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #40 of 42 (permalink) Old 02-22-2016, 12:23 PM
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Re: Sad to see

Stats are hard to come by, but
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Divorce Author: I Think 17% Of Marriages Are Happy. Dana Adam Shapiro says talking to people about their divorces actually made him more optimistic about marriage but he still thinks truly happy ones are in the minority.
( http://www.buzzfeed.com/annanorth/di...iages-are-happ )

This agrees with a number (20%) that I read about years ago in a study of long term marriages - of those still together after 20+ years, about a fifth are quite happy in their marriages. That implies most range from very unhappy to content, and if normal distributions apply, then the majority are in the "good enough to stay and not bad enough to leave" category.


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post #41 of 42 (permalink) Old 02-22-2016, 03:01 PM
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Re: Sad to see

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Originally Posted by Married but Happy View Post
Stats are hard to come by, but

( http://www.buzzfeed.com/annanorth/di...iages-are-happ )

This agrees with a number (20%) that I read about years ago in a study of long term marriages - of those still together after 20+ years, about a fifth are quite happy in their marriages. That implies most range from very unhappy to content, and if normal distributions apply, then the majority are in the "good enough to stay and not bad enough to leave" category.
However in this case normal distributions do NOT apply. There is significant financial pressure put on men to make them stay in the marriage even though they don't want to. If you take that away, I think you're probably looking at 10% or less are truly happy.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #42 of 42 (permalink) Old 02-22-2016, 03:15 PM
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Re: Sad to see

^ Yeah, you're right - the financial pressures may indeed create an abnormal distribution, and coincidentally may prevent some women from leaving an unhappy marriage too. That would make the "not good enough to stay but can't afford to leave" category much larger.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
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