Long Term Success in MarriageIf you've been married 10+ years and consider your marriage a success, post your success story here. Help others by talking about what works for you.
Respect and of course respect needs to be returned but show me that I am important enough to get up early once in awhile and say goodbye as I go to work, and do not make me keep asking for sex show me you want to be with me you have a desire to want to please me. It works both ways.
... but do you think the D-word would scare her into possibly changing?
I honestly doubt it. She has pretty much made clear that she is who she is and that I will either have to suck it up or find somebody else. Maybe she's bluffing, I don't know.
Anyhow, something has to give. I can't continue like this anymore.
I honestly doubt it. She has pretty much made clear that she is who she is and that I will either have to suck it up or find somebody else. Maybe she's bluffing, I don't know.
Anyhow, something has to give. I can't continue like this anymore.
If it were me, I think I would try to start over with her. Start dating her - try to have some fun with her. Buy her some flowers, take her out to dinner/dancing whatever she likes to do (romance her - like you did before you were married). Although maybe just being her friend may be the first step. In my case, the pain is because I love her, if I didn't care, then it wouldn't matter. When she's been nasty to me, I used to fight back and try to hurt her back - now I just silently get pissed (and a bit of hate I must admit). Sounds like you've stayed with her a long time in a not-so-good marriage, so there must be some pretty deep feelings still there. We feel the woman who knows us best thinks we are not worth loving (the way we need to be loved to be happy anyway) - that is what hurts(over and over). Best of luck! Let us know how it goes.
1 Corinthians 13:4–8a
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails …
Ephesians 5:33
... you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband
The below are all essential. Number one is really the culmination of all the rest. I would not want to do without any of the others though. The His Needs Her Needs labels are in parenthesis.
1) Intimacy ( Sexual Fullfillment ) - Includes Faithfulness
2) Respect ( Admiration ) - Includes Faithfulness
3) Companionship ( Recreational Companionship ) - I need quality time with my wife while enjoying recreational activities
4) Communication ( Conversation / Honesty & Openness ) - So I am declaring communication a need for me. It encompasses various other related areas. This was probably not a top need I had a dozen years ago. This is where I declare I love my wife for her mind. This is part of intimacy.
5) Loving ( Affection / Attractiveness ) - I am combining these two here. I appreciate more these years the affection my wife has always shown me. I probably have less distractions in my life than I used to and can enjoy it more. The attractiveness is my wife just be sexy for me. She takes care of herself and dresses very much to please me.
My needs have evolved during our marriage. Kids are grown and have kids of their own. A dozen years ago my needs probably matched more closely the list for men below for men.
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The below are supposedly the most common needs expressed by men in this order:
sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship, physical attractiveness, domestic support, and admiration.
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Supposedly for women:
affection, conversation, openness and honesty, financial support, and family commitment
1 Corinthians 13:4–8a
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails …
Ephesians 5:33
... you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband
The opposite of love really isn't hate. It's apathy.
You used to fight back. Now you don't. And neither does she.
People treat you the way you let them. No use complaining how rude she is to you... silence is acceptance. No one is telling her it's wrong
Yeah, I treat my stbx H in a similar way. He wants to be the center of all conversations. He doesn't listen to anyone else, interrupts, and starts his own story. New habit he picked up. So I no longer engage in the conversation. What's the point?
And eerily... I have heard similar complaints that when my grown son is around, I smile and treat my son like gold and he feels like dirt. Jealousy? Maybe. My relationship with my son is mine. And different. And I don't see him everyday. But I DID make efforts to make him feel more included.
After a year of this, it started to come across as really self centered. Poor me. I'm not the centre of attention.
Lesson here? a LOT of the time, behavior you don't like is a reaction to yourself. Only thing I could do... treat him the way I wanted to be treated.
And that worked until I could no longer care less. Apathy. Who gives a sh!t if it bothers you or not.
The opposite of love really isn't hate. It's apathy.
You used to fight back. Now you don't. And neither does she.
People treat you the way you let them. No use complaining how rude she is to you... silence is acceptance. No one is telling her it's wrong
The silence can be deafening - if you know what I mean. I'm usually a happy-go-lucky guy, nothing used to bother me, but slowly over time, her lack of interest in me has become unbarable. We had a big blow-out the other day and I told her again how I've been feeling. For the most part, she was very defensive (as usual), but said she would try to change (as usual). I feel almost dead inside (maybe depressed - I don't know and can't really put my finger on it - never felt this bad before). I hope things will change. I am jealous - the person I love (am crazy about) doesn't seem to love me (or need me). I've never had emotional issues (until now), very stable - work hard every day am a great provider. . How can someone you've lived with for many years - over time stop saying anything positive (almost always negative) to you? Maybe her speech and actions are right. Maybe I'm not much. I will fight my 'bitter feelings' and just try to love her more. I don't care (never really did) if she cooks/cleans (which I help her with BTW) etc - that is not what I need. I think she thinks I need all of that stuff and sex and I should be happy - I want something more - her heart. I just want to be happy again. One good thing that has happened is that I am now telling her exactly how I'm feeling and not bottling it up. In the past, she thought I was manipulating her for more sex - how anyone could think that kind of sex would be satisfying to anyone in a marriage is beyond me. I'm to the point of making her decide when we have sex to avoid her saying I was getting what I 'really' wanted. I'm a guy, so this is a bit hard, but if it shows her that all this is not about sex - then I can take it. Anyone else going through this out there?
The family habbit, or to remain together, is the problem...
The woman is like a bird if you are 'the hunter' and a happy family needs space in artistic plane, if we were to see the life marriage period like beautiful film. Needs a lot of 'green' color, is only a symbolic, that means harmony or calm, and youmust be an expert in mixing that color with the red, pozitive passion, because brown with red, animal pasion, is confused with the pure red, a strange and unic feeling color. And to 'create' a rainbow in your life you must know what is and how to use the 'yellow' the princess of the colors, symbol of pure evil.
Anyone interested in the continuing PooDoo saga, I have an update. After having my wife take the '5 languages of Love' quiz - I found out that she is definately 'Acts of service' (she selected me washing her car over spending time together). This was a real eye opener. So, I've been killing myself around the house and I got to admit things are getting a bit better (she does a lot more work than I thought!). I'm still not totally satisfied, but she is trying. She wrote me a nice note the other day (nothing deep though - thanks for doing the bills etc) and I asked her if it was hard to write the note - she said no. So I wonder what's the problem? She knows that I have issues with her rarely showing respect/appreciation for me (except 'thanks'). I've been loving her to death, but still not much appreciation. I really don't get her. Is it so hard to say I'm important to her or thanks for being a good/great husband. She has been trying to listen to me more - I'm an engineer, so she doesn't understand anything I tell her about my day, but she at least is trying. So, things are a bit better in that area. And yes, I listen to her (always have) - I know everything about her day (most days) and the people she works with. I think at some point she started to think I was boring - work every day (no clue what I actually do) bring home paycheck (repeat). She shows me love in lots of ways that I appreciate, but she's not so good at loving me the way I need to be loved. Respect and appreciation is what I need and not just for doing things for her (or the family) which are important - but for who I am. I think she is holding onto some grudge from the past that she can't let go of. She often tells me 'thats just the way I am' - like take it or leave it. I think we'd be divorced if I took the same attitude. I like that she can be feisty - that's one of the things that attracted me to her, but we both need to change for the better at times. If she needs something, I should be willing to give it even if it isn't my thing. I expect(ed) the same from her - is that asking too much from your mate who is supposed to love you? She shows more respect for people she hardly knows and for certain family members that do nothing for her. I told her that she should start saying things to me that she would say at my funeral - won't do me any good then, I need to hear them now!
Anyone interested in the continuing PooDoo saga, I have an update. After having my wife take the '5 languages of Love' quiz - I found out that she is definately 'Acts of service' (she selected me washing her car over spending time together). This was a real eye opener. So, I've been killing myself around the house and I got to admit things are getting a bit better (she does a lot more work than I thought!). I'm still not totally satisfied, but she is trying. She wrote me a nice note the other day (nothing deep though - thanks for doing the bills etc) and I asked her if it was hard to write the note - she said no. So I wonder what's the problem? She knows that I have issues with her rarely showing respect/appreciation for me (except 'thanks'). I've been loving her to death, but still not much appreciation. I really don't get her. Is it so hard to say I'm important to her or thanks for being a good/great husband. She has been trying to listen to me more - I'm an engineer, so she doesn't understand anything I tell her about my day, but she at least is trying. So, things are a bit better in that area. And yes, I listen to her (always have) - I know everything about her day (most days) and the people she works with. I think at some point she started to think I was boring - work every day (no clue what I actually do) bring home paycheck (repeat). She shows me love in lots of ways that I appreciate, but she's not so good at loving me the way I need to be loved. Respect and appreciation is what I need and not just for doing things for her (or the family) which are important - but for who I am. I think she is holding onto some grudge from the past that she can't let go of. She often tells me 'thats just the way I am' - like take it or leave it. I think we'd be divorced if I took the same attitude. I like that she can be feisty - that's one of the things that attracted me to her, but we both need to change for the better at times. If she needs something, I should be willing to give it even if it isn't my thing. I expect(ed) the same from her - is that asking too much from your mate who is supposed to love you? She shows more respect for people she hardly knows and for certain family members that do nothing for her. I told her that she should start saying things to me that she would say at my funeral - won't do me any good then, I need to hear them now!
huh. You sound very needy - if I may be so bold. I am assuming you scored a 10 in the old 'words of affirmation' department?
Forgive me, I've only read the first 5 pages of this thread.
But ladies: take note!!! Only twice was anything mentioned about cooking, cleaning mothering etc... (and both of those times it was mentioned by women, not men) If you think that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach then you've been sold a bridge in Manhattan. Personally, I know that my wife has a warped sense of priorities. She thinks things like coming home to a nice meal and a clean house are important. I could really care less about those things.
Respect, admiration, a little ego stroking.... good, frequent and enthusiastic sex. These are the things that make me happy. I can cook for myself as long as she's naked under the apron in the kitchen with me.
Meet me at the door with a good meal vs. meet me at the door in lingerie and a smile?
PM DawnD. She had the same dynamic in her marriage, and she learned to give her husband words of affirmation. It is hard for a crisp, no-nonsense acts of service person to comprehend that their spouse needs to hear words of appreciation.
Yep, thats me, and the vice versa applies. My husband talks all day "I'm proud of you." "I love you" "You're fine." yea yea, can you do the floors like you said you would TWO WEEKS AGO!
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesherman
PooDoo:
PM DawnD. She had the same dynamic in her marriage, and she learned to give her husband words of affirmation. It is hard for a crisp, no-nonsense acts of service person to comprehend that their spouse needs to hear words of appreciation.
My husband and I have amazing conversations. He asks my opinion on issues and I ask him for advice. Silence in this house only happens during movies and even then, we joke about things and/or comment.
Maybe you want silence from your wife (sorry she's a shrew), but not all husbands do.
Actually I agree with him, at least as a concept. I think that there comes a time for most men, single or married, desire only a place where they can be left totally alone. I go to a local library and read. My dad has a workshop in the garage. My father-in-law goes on solo bike rides for hours at a time. They might go hiking or camping or fishing or just have a man cave where they can watch the game.
Something all men need, and something I think is far overlooked, is a place to retreat and recharge. Without that, the stress begins to accumulate on husbands and fathers, and that will eventually impact the family as a whole. Posted via Mobile Device
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Re: What do husbands "need" from their wives?? 
Re: What do husbands "need" from their wives?? 
