I am throwing this out to balance out Snowman's ! All of us gals want to know... "Wanting" and "needing" are cousins in the field...and what is the difference with men's needs?
* a wife that needs and wants sex
* respects and adores me
* An attractive wife.
* dedicated to our marriage team
* A wife who spends less than she makes.
* holds up their end of the chore bargain.
* Is intelligent enough to be able survive without me holding her hand constantly.
* a wife that is loyal
Umm I'll have to argue. Men don't really ask for much more than being treated like a man. That really only includes respect (both as a person and as a male entity that occassionally needs his space) and communication (just because we have to communicate doesn't mean everything has to be a federal case). I think men tend to treat their women based on how their women treat them. There's a subconscious part of humans (male and female) that treats a person based on how they treat you.
If she nags, complains, and berates you, the more likely you will start shutting her off until one day you simply get up and leave for good.....or find yourself in the arms of another woman. And if he's an ******* then the woman will put up iwht it until one day she simply gets up, take half their belongings and a 6 foot 4 black guy named Tyrone moves in LOL (j/k....not a racist joke...I'm black).
Heck, I don't even need space.
Respect and intimacy (which includes sex of course). A wife that respects his manhood does not nag incessantly.
I'll never understand why married people treat casual acquaintances better than their spouses. And before anyone flames me, I get it, men are guilty of this too.
I put respect on a much higher level then a 'need' or a 'want'. Without respect there is no foundation for the marriage. If someone does not respect their spouse then one of both of the spouses is broken and hence the marriage is broken... usually beyond repair.
From the book "His Needs, Her Needs" these are the top 10 needs in a relationship. Each person would rank these needs differently and want/need them filled in their own unique way. So spouses ought to discuss them and find out how their spouse ranks the needs and wants them filled.
Sexual fulfillment
Recreational companionship
An attractive spouse
Domestic support
Admiration
Affection
Conversation
Honesty and Openness
Financial Commitment
Family Commitment
I still think respect is the #1 thing a man needs in a marriage. I have a hard time loving my wife after she has been disrespectful (including sex). Since my last post (a few months ago) things have been somewhat better - 1 part of 'our' cycle. I still rarely get any compliments/encouragement from my wife. She did tell me she liked my haircut the other day and even kissed me a few days ago when I got home from work. So, maybe things are changing (I hope). I'm starting to not put up my wall after being disrespected, but it is very hard. She does not see a problem, so how can you discuss it when she doesn't see a problem. What is respect? Some of the posts have said that you need to earn respect. I disagree. I am her husband and I need it from her unconditionally. I'd kind-of understand if I were a big slacker - no job, lazy, or cheated on her - which is not the case here. I NEED her respect - I really do not care what anyone else thinks of me (although I get more respect outside of the home). Respect as I see it is not agreeing with me on everything or going along with what I say. I don't want to be married to a robot. In our marriage, it's more of her making a point to dis-respect me (at times) - on purpose. I guess she's putting me in my place or something. ? More on respect - showing me that I'm the most important person in her life, not being taken for granted, showing some interest in my life outside of the home, a good attitude toward me, believing in me, not being cynical about my motives -giving me the benefit of the doubt. I've tried many things to get her respect - like being a hard-ass(man-up), trying to be more sensitive, just taking it, talking to her about it. I know I'm not perfect, but if you have to be perfect to get respect in marriage, than no-one would get it. Does anyone else out there have this same problem and fixed it? I'm open to any suggestions.
My best suggestion is start reading the book The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It sounds to me that both you and your wife don't understand how to communicate with each other in your respective love languages. I suggest you both read this book together as a couple... it will mean more as you both have the eye-opening experience of discovery together.
Unquestioning loyalty and acceptance. I'd run into a burning building for you so the least you could do it clobber someone with a beer mug if they've got me down on the floor.
I need physical touch. I'm not talking about just sex but also cuddling, hugging, spooning in bed while sleeping. I need to feel somebody touching me to feel emotionally satisfied. I'm a very touchy-feely person.
Unfortunately for me, my wife:
1. Have lost all interest in sex. She never initiates. She allows me to have sex if I request it, but it's obvious a chore to her (get on top, do your business, and get off me so I can sleep).
2. She hates being held.
3. If I hug her in bed she complains that I'm too hot.
4. If I touch lightly (foot touching foot/leg) she complains that I intrude on her personal space.
5. She doesn't like to cuddle in front of the TV.
6. She doesn't like me kissing her passionately because my lips/mouth is "too big". Simple "Welcome come home kiss" is acceptable to her.
Last few years we might have had sex once or twice a year. I have stopped asking for it. What's the point if she isn't into it?
How can I get my need for physical touch satisfied in this relationship? There is no way for it. When I complain she tells me that she never liked to be held and that she wasn't a touchy-feely person like me. She then told me that if I wanted a touchy-feely person I would have to find somebody else.
MickeyD: I can't image what you are going through. My wife is not like that at all. She likes to cuddle and our sex life is pretty good (I do have to initiate it though - I think she could go without for months). I'm still trying to understand my wife better everyday - I think this is what makes marraige so terrible and incrediable at the same time. Does your wife tell you that she loves you? Were things ever better between the 2 of you - like when you were first married? What has changed? Over time feelings/actions change between 2 people (sometimes for the better sometimes for the worse). Little things become monsters the longer we are married - I'm assuming that is the case for many couples.
She says that she loves me, but there is no passion behind it. It's like she would be telling her brother that she loves him.
I get stronger vibes from her when she tells me that she wish that she lived on her own and only have to worry herself (monthly occurance). I also have the brunt of the force when she has had a bad day at her temp job or something else has gone wrong. She feels a need to vent and I end up being the target. It's hard on the ego when you feel that you are being cursed at more times than you get get words of affirmation.
Were things ever better between the 2 of you - like when you were first married?
She had a high sex drive in the beginning. Our first month together we had sex 3-4 times a day. She also enjoyed cuddling in bed watching TV.
At that time it didn't seems that she had intimacy issues, quite the opposite. She had multiple sex partners before she met me, and by her own admission even a threesome with two guys. I guess she must have liked having sex then.
After our marriage, the intimacy gradually slow down. Sex became 2-4 times a week. Cuddling in bed became playing footsies on the coach. She stopped taking the initiative.
After a few years became maybe one or twice a month. The only time she took initiative was when she wanted to have a baby and the sex was pretty mechanical without true passion.
Once the baby was born the amount of sex dwindled down to a few times a year. Cuddling has completely vanished from the reportoir at this time. A quick kiss on the mouth when I came home from work became good enough for her.
That has changed? Over time feelings/actions change between 2 people (sometimes for the better sometimes for the worse). Little things become monsters the longer we are married - I'm assuming that is the case for many couples.
She changed; I didn't. I still have the urges but stopped acting on them. She allows me to "get my jollies" when I ask for it but I feel unsatisfied afterwards. It's obvious that she's not into it, so what's the point in trying anymore?
She got a couple of medical issues that can justify her behavior to a certain extent, but as far as she has taken it. I don't have a wife and intimate partner; I have a room mate that I share a child and a house with.
I'm really surprised to not read things like "Partnership" and "Companionship" in the responses thus far.
Some things I'm good at, and some things she's good at. Some things, I need her help to be good at, and she needs the same from me. This is the partnership aspect.
I need a friend, a buddy, a confidant, someone to share time with. This is the companionship, and no, the kind of companionship I'm talking about can't be fulfilled by a dog. My wife is everything from my fishing buddy and hiking buddy to my best friend. I need this from her.
I think most other needs are fulfilled in those things. I can probably think of a few other "ships" but partnerhip and companionship are always front of mind for me.
In order for her to feel like she can be your friend, buddy, confidante, lover, she MUST respect you. If she doesn't respect you, all those other things will at best be given grudgingly, not from her heart.
The question has been asked: what does respect look like? Here are some concrete things men look for:
1) know when to leave a man alone. This includes time in his mancave, his friends, his family, his job, his projects, etc. In moderation of course. Do not cut your man off from the world or from his pursuits. Again, moderation and appropriateness are good guidelines.
2) Never nag or criticize a man. Very few things turn men off more than this. Does that mean submission? No it does not. It means that the woman uses her feminine energy in a positive way to encourage her man toward better conduct. It means that she lets him know how she is feeling without belittling or shaming him.
3) Never talk down, let alone tear down or otherwise embarrass your man in front of others. Never trash your man in gossip with your friends. Shut that talk down if the subject goes there and do not participate when other women do it to their men.
4) Do not just talk about your affection for him. Show him. Be physical with him. Actions speak louder than words.
Assuming the wife is actually a good wife loving caring and loyal and assuming the man is actually a man and a good husband loving caring loyal etc.
Than all you need to give is your true love and it will last assuming you have a consummate love the "True love" than you have no need to worry. If you have commitment,passion and intimacy than that is the "true love". Many people confuse there loves as "true love" when in many many cases they never had that in there relationships that ended up failing. Because if they did truly have that than the relationship would not have ended.
What husband's "need" is love but i will just go out on a limb and list somethings.
1) telling your man you love him and how great he is
2) sex shows you are into him/care about him
3) attention- this ties into #1-2 but yes men like attention they so rarely get it though most of their lives though as its not the way we are wired to crave it as much i suppose.
4) a good heart/friend someone to talk to you can confide in
My husband and I have amazing conversations. He asks my opinion on issues and I ask him for advice. Silence in this house only happens during movies and even then, we joke about things and/or comment.
Maybe you want silence from your wife (sorry she's a shrew), but not all husbands do.
Sounds like a lot of folks have great releationships with their spouse. We on the other hand have many ups and downs. My wife is a very nice person, and she communicates with me often. She however is not the greatest listener (to me anyway). Here's an example... 'How was work today' (she says) - 'Fabulous!' (I say) - 'That's good' (she says) and that's it - on to another subject. I think this is where the lack of respect comes in. Here's a definition that I like - 'respect is about feeling valued.' - and I don't. This time-and-time-again scenario does not make me want to talk to her - so I don't - I get pissed. She is very nice (and I love her and that is why this hurts so bad). Here's another one - my son-in-law comes over to the house every few weeks and whenever he comes in the house, he is the king. Everything about his life is so interesting and she tries to find out everything he's been doing and finds it so interesting. I love my son-in-law and he's a great guy, but why don't I ever get such treatment. I know she has it in her - I see it whenever he (and her brother) walks through the door. I mentioned to her the other night that she never shows much interest in me and never compliments me on ANYTHING - just 'thanks' when I do stuff for her. I told her the last time she said I looked handsome was over 2 years ago at my daughter'w wedding (true). Well, I guess I'm ok if she doesn't think I'm handsome, but showing some (spontaneous) interest/affection would be nice. If she would just come up to me and give me a big hug and tell me I'm the most important person in her life (and mean it) - I think I would break down and cry (and I'm not the crying type). Being taken for granted/neglected/ignored is disrespectful - and I feel it every day (to say nothing of the in-your-face disrespect that I get from time-to-time).
BTW - I ordered the book - 'The 5 love languages' - it should be here tomorrow, so I look forward to reading it. I'm open for change - I may be the problem.
Thinking again on my partnership answer from before:
I suppose the reason disagreements between us are not seen as a big thing is that I have ALWAYS been able to trust that my wife always has our family's best interests in mind. It's never a question in my mind on that level. So long as I know that basic thing about her, then disagreements have always just been about the details - not the foundation.
So let me add: she always has our family's best interests in mind.
Respect and of course respect needs to be returned but show me that I am important enough to get up early once in awhile and say goodbye as I go to work, and do not make me keep asking for sex show me you want to be with me you have a desire to want to please me. It works both ways.
1 Corinthians 13:4–8a
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails …
Ephesians 5:33
... you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband
1 Corinthians 13:4–8a
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails …
Ephesians 5:33
... you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband
The opposite of love really isn't hate. It's apathy.
You used to fight back. Now you don't. And neither does she.
People treat you the way you let them. No use complaining how rude she is to you... silence is acceptance. No one is telling her it's wrong
Yeah, I treat my stbx H in a similar way. He wants to be the center of all conversations. He doesn't listen to anyone else, interrupts, and starts his own story. New habit he picked up. So I no longer engage in the conversation. What's the point?
And eerily... I have heard similar complaints that when my grown son is around, I smile and treat my son like gold and he feels like dirt. Jealousy? Maybe. My relationship with my son is mine. And different. And I don't see him everyday. But I DID make efforts to make him feel more included.
After a year of this, it started to come across as really self centered. Poor me. I'm not the centre of attention.
Lesson here? a LOT of the time, behavior you don't like is a reaction to yourself. Only thing I could do... treat him the way I wanted to be treated.
And that worked until I could no longer care less. Apathy. Who gives a sh!t if it bothers you or not.
:sleeping:
The family habbit, or to remain together, is the problem...
The woman is like a bird if you are 'the hunter' and a happy family needs space in artistic plane, if we were to see the life marriage period like beautiful film. Needs a lot of 'green' color, is only a symbolic, that means harmony or calm, and youmust be an expert in mixing that color with the red, pozitive passion, because brown with red, animal pasion, is confused with the pure red, a strange and unic feeling color. And to 'create' a rainbow in your life you must know what is and how to use the 'yellow' the princess of the colors, symbol of pure evil.
Anyone interested in the continuing PooDoo saga, I have an update. After having my wife take the '5 languages of Love' quiz - I found out that she is definately 'Acts of service' (she selected me washing her car over spending time together). This was a real eye opener. So, I've been killing myself around the house and I got to admit things are getting a bit better (she does a lot more work than I thought!). I'm still not totally satisfied, but she is trying. She wrote me a nice note the other day (nothing deep though - thanks for doing the bills etc) and I asked her if it was hard to write the note - she said no. So I wonder what's the problem? She knows that I have issues with her rarely showing respect/appreciation for me (except 'thanks'). I've been loving her to death, but still not much appreciation. I really don't get her. Is it so hard to say I'm important to her or thanks for being a good/great husband. She has been trying to listen to me more - I'm an engineer, so she doesn't understand anything I tell her about my day, but she at least is trying. So, things are a bit better in that area. And yes, I listen to her (always have) - I know everything about her day (most days) and the people she works with. I think at some point she started to think I was boring - work every day (no clue what I actually do) bring home paycheck (repeat). She shows me love in lots of ways that I appreciate, but she's not so good at loving me the way I need to be loved. Respect and appreciation is what I need and not just for doing things for her (or the family) which are important - but for who I am. I think she is holding onto some grudge from the past that she can't let go of. She often tells me 'thats just the way I am' - like take it or leave it. I think we'd be divorced if I took the same attitude. I like that she can be feisty - that's one of the things that attracted me to her, but we both need to change for the better at times. If she needs something, I should be willing to give it even if it isn't my thing. I expect(ed) the same from her - is that asking too much from your mate who is supposed to love you? She shows more respect for people she hardly knows and for certain family members that do nothing for her. I told her that she should start saying things to me that she would say at my funeral - won't do me any good then, I need to hear them now!
Forgive me, I've only read the first 5 pages of this thread.
But ladies: take note!!! Only twice was anything mentioned about cooking, cleaning mothering etc... (and both of those times it was mentioned by women, not men) If you think that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach then you've been sold a bridge in Manhattan. Personally, I know that my wife has a warped sense of priorities. She thinks things like coming home to a nice meal and a clean house are important. I could really care less about those things.
Respect, admiration, a little ego stroking.... good, frequent and enthusiastic sex. These are the things that make me happy. I can cook for myself as long as she's naked under the apron in the kitchen with me.
Meet me at the door with a good meal vs. meet me at the door in lingerie and a smile?
PM DawnD. She had the same dynamic in her marriage, and she learned to give her husband words of affirmation. It is hard for a crisp, no-nonsense acts of service person to comprehend that their spouse needs to hear words of appreciation.
Yep, thats me, and the vice versa applies. My husband talks all day "I'm proud of you." "I love you" "You're fine." yea yea, can you do the floors like you said you would TWO WEEKS AGO!
besides sex which is a primary and numero uno need. ----a very close second is APPRECIATION. APPRECIATION. APPRECIATION. APPRECIATION.
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