Long Term Success in MarriageIf you've been married 10+ years and consider your marriage a success, post your success story here. Help others by talking about what works for you.
Assuming the wife is actually a good wife loving caring and loyal and assuming the man is actually a man and a good husband loving caring loyal etc.
Than all you need to give is your true love and it will last assuming you have a consummate love the "True love" than you have no need to worry. If you have commitment,passion and intimacy than that is the "true love". Many people confuse there loves as "true love" when in many many cases they never had that in there relationships that ended up failing. Because if they did truly have that than the relationship would not have ended.
What husband's "need" is love but i will just go out on a limb and list somethings.
1) telling your man you love him and how great he is
2) sex shows you are into him/care about him
3) attention- this ties into #1-2 but yes men like attention they so rarely get it though most of their lives though as its not the way we are wired to crave it as much i suppose.
4) a good heart/friend someone to talk to you can confide in
My husband and I have amazing conversations. He asks my opinion on issues and I ask him for advice. Silence in this house only happens during movies and even then, we joke about things and/or comment.
Maybe you want silence from your wife (sorry she's a shrew), but not all husbands do.
My husband and I have amazing conversations. He asks my opinion on issues and I ask him for advice.
Same here. My husband and I have lengthy conversations daily. Our communication skills are out of this world fabulous. We are our each other's number one best friends.
He calls me several times a day while he's working just to see how I'm doing. I really appreciate it, since I don't talk to many people during the day when I'm home alone.
We talk all night too. After 13 years of being together, we never run out of things to talk about.
Location: On a clear day, I can see Mt. Rainier ... but you can't count on the days to be clear here ...
Posts: 1,863
Re: What do husbands "need" from their wives??
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zzyzx
In order for her to feel like she can be your friend, buddy, confidante, lover, she MUST respect you. If she doesn't respect you, all those other things will at best be given grudgingly, not from her heart.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Goldmember357
Assuming the wife is actually a good wife loving caring and loyal and assuming the man is actually a man and a good husband loving caring loyal etc.
Than all you need to give is your true love and it will last assuming you have a consummate love the "True love" than you have no need to worry. If you have commitment,passion and intimacy than that is the "true love". Many people confuse there loves as "true love" when in many many cases they never had that in there relationships that ended up failing. Because if they did truly have that than the relationship would not have ended.
What husband's "need" is love but i will just go out on a limb and list somethings.
1) telling your man you love him and how great he is
2) sex shows you are into him/care about him
3) attention- this ties into #1-2 but yes men like attention they so rarely get it though most of their lives though as its not the way we are wired to crave it as much i suppose.
4) a good heart/friend someone to talk to you can confide in
I'm going to disagree a bit with Zzyzx, and just bring up a point for discussion/clarification with Goldmember357.
I actually agree with an old adage I used to hear that says "Love is not a feeling, it's an act of the will." Developing from that, I've come to the opinion that the head needs to be in charge, and the heart needs to be in the passenger seat. If the head gives the heart a place where it can be happy, it will be happy, but the heart is too fickle to follow unchecked.
That leads me to disagree with Zzyzx in that there are things that are lovingly done, where the heart is not in it. One example would be when your spouse is sick to the point that he/she can't make it to the bathroom in time. There is no doubt the spouse is in need, and there is no doubt I will take care of things, clean up, do what needs to be done, let my spouse rest - if she's that sick, she really needs rest and should not be worrying about cleaning up. I can guarantee there is no warm fuzzy feeling while I'm cleaning up, and it's not pleasant, but I will do it because that's what she needs. That's part of partnership and companionship. That's an extreme example, but I think you can see there are everyday examples that are much less extreme, and I know she has just as many examples as I do - maybe more. Sometimes, companionship starts as an act of the will, even in a daily manner, and the heart will come along. I have to compromise like this as well. Overall, it becomes very pleasant even if I can point at some things and claim my heart wasn't in it.
That brings me to the point of discussion for Goldmember357. I equate the "Act of the will" that I'm talking about with the "committment" that you're talking about. I see passion and intimacy as something that comes about from that, but especially in the case of passion, they are things that can come and go, or exist at varying levels at different times. I'd have to go back to the core of love being a willing committment.
She says that she loves me, but there is no passion behind it. It's like she would be telling her brother that she loves him.
I get stronger vibes from her when she tells me that she wish that she lived on her own and only have to worry herself (monthly occurance). I also have the brunt of the force when she has had a bad day at her temp job or something else has gone wrong. She feels a need to vent and I end up being the target. It's hard on the ego when you feel that you are being cursed at more times than you get get words of affirmation.
Quote:
Were things ever better between the 2 of you - like when you were first married?
She had a high sex drive in the beginning. Our first month together we had sex 3-4 times a day. She also enjoyed cuddling in bed watching TV.
At that time it didn't seems that she had intimacy issues, quite the opposite. She had multiple sex partners before she met me, and by her own admission even a threesome with two guys. I guess she must have liked having sex then.
After our marriage, the intimacy gradually slow down. Sex became 2-4 times a week. Cuddling in bed became playing footsies on the coach. She stopped taking the initiative.
After a few years became maybe one or twice a month. The only time she took initiative was when she wanted to have a baby and the sex was pretty mechanical without true passion.
Once the baby was born the amount of sex dwindled down to a few times a year. Cuddling has completely vanished from the reportoir at this time. A quick kiss on the mouth when I came home from work became good enough for her.
Quote:
That has changed? Over time feelings/actions change between 2 people (sometimes for the better sometimes for the worse). Little things become monsters the longer we are married - I'm assuming that is the case for many couples.
She changed; I didn't. I still have the urges but stopped acting on them. She allows me to "get my jollies" when I ask for it but I feel unsatisfied afterwards. It's obvious that she's not into it, so what's the point in trying anymore?
She got a couple of medical issues that can justify her behavior to a certain extent, but as far as she has taken it. I don't have a wife and intimate partner; I have a room mate that I share a child and a house with.
Sounds like a lot of folks have great releationships with their spouse. We on the other hand have many ups and downs. My wife is a very nice person, and she communicates with me often. She however is not the greatest listener (to me anyway). Here's an example... 'How was work today' (she says) - 'Fabulous!' (I say) - 'That's good' (she says) and that's it - on to another subject. I think this is where the lack of respect comes in. Here's a definition that I like - 'respect is about feeling valued.' - and I don't. This time-and-time-again scenario does not make me want to talk to her - so I don't - I get pissed. She is very nice (and I love her and that is why this hurts so bad). Here's another one - my son-in-law comes over to the house every few weeks and whenever he comes in the house, he is the king. Everything about his life is so interesting and she tries to find out everything he's been doing and finds it so interesting. I love my son-in-law and he's a great guy, but why don't I ever get such treatment. I know she has it in her - I see it whenever he (and her brother) walks through the door. I mentioned to her the other night that she never shows much interest in me and never compliments me on ANYTHING - just 'thanks' when I do stuff for her. I told her the last time she said I looked handsome was over 2 years ago at my daughter'w wedding (true). Well, I guess I'm ok if she doesn't think I'm handsome, but showing some (spontaneous) interest/affection would be nice. If she would just come up to me and give me a big hug and tell me I'm the most important person in her life (and mean it) - I think I would break down and cry (and I'm not the crying type). Being taken for granted/neglected/ignored is disrespectful - and I feel it every day (to say nothing of the in-your-face disrespect that I get from time-to-time).
BTW - I ordered the book - 'The 5 love languages' - it should be here tomorrow, so I look forward to reading it. I'm open for change - I may be the problem.
My best suggestion is start reading the book The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It sounds to me that both you and your wife don't understand how to communicate with each other in your respective love languages. I suggest you both read this book together as a couple... it will mean more as you both have the eye-opening experience of discovery together.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MickeyD
She says that she loves me, but there is no passion behind it. It's like she would be telling her brother that she loves him.
I get stronger vibes from her when she tells me that she wish that she lived on her own and only have to worry herself (monthly occurance). I also have the brunt of the force when she has had a bad day at her temp job or something else has gone wrong. She feels a need to vent and I end up being the target. It's hard on the ego when you feel that you are being cursed at more times than you get get words of affirmation.
She had a high sex drive in the beginning. Our first month together we had sex 3-4 times a day. She also enjoyed cuddling in bed watching TV.
At that time it didn't seems that she had intimacy issues, quite the opposite. She had multiple sex partners before she met me, and by her own admission even a threesome with two guys. I guess she must have liked having sex then.
After our marriage, the intimacy gradually slow down. Sex became 2-4 times a week. Cuddling in bed became playing footsies on the coach. She stopped taking the initiative.
After a few years became maybe one or twice a month. The only time she took initiative was when she wanted to have a baby and the sex was pretty mechanical without true passion.
Once the baby was born the amount of sex dwindled down to a few times a year. Cuddling has completely vanished from the reportoir at this time. A quick kiss on the mouth when I came home from work became good enough for her.
She changed; I didn't. I still have the urges but stopped acting on them. She allows me to "get my jollies" when I ask for it but I feel unsatisfied afterwards. It's obvious that she's not into it, so what's the point in trying anymore?
She got a couple of medical issues that can justify her behavior to a certain extent, but as far as she has taken it. I don't have a wife and intimate partner; I have a room mate that I share a child and a house with.
Dude! I feel like a cry-baby with our issues. I'm proably not the best to give advice, but do you think the D-word would scare her into possibly changing? Working it out with someone you love is always better than splitting up and starting over - escpecially with a child in the mix. We've had some rough spots in our marriage, but unless there are some good times, with forgiveness/forgetfullness and change, what's the point of being misserable all the time? Life is too short. Pray for wisdom - you'll need it.
IMO, the most important thing that they need is an understanding wife...One that reads up on the male aging process...One that can understand that it is man that does all the work in sexual intercourse....That age can both cause fear of this happening called erectile dysfunction as well as a woman that wonders what has happened to him...That this is the same man that they married and loved....That all these years he coveted and petted us to perfection and now it is our turn to help him out....That patience is a virtue and older age is a pain in the ass....Now I am out of here and heading out to eat, before he gets PO at me...Take care...
I'm going to disagree a bit with Zzyzx, and just bring up a point for discussion/clarification with Goldmember357.
That leads me to disagree with Zzyzx in that there are things that are lovingly done, where the heart is not in it.
When things are lovingly done, they are always from the heart. Cleaning up after your spouse is an act of love done from the heart even if it's an icky thing to do. If your heart isn't in the relationship, you won't be so motivated.
Quote:
Originally Posted by shy_guy
Sometimes, companionship starts as an act of the will, even in a daily manner, and the heart will come along. I have to compromise like this as well. Overall, it becomes very pleasant even if I can point at some things and claim my heart wasn't in it.
It is actually the other way around. Your heart feels the relationship, that brings you to companionship even when it's not easy. Your heart was in the relationship does not mean that everything you do is pleasant. What you think of is the individual possibly unpleasant things to do that you think your heart is not into. But you do them precisely because your heart is in the relationship itself and your loving, if unpleasant, tasks stem from that context.
For a woman to feel this level of love and care and companionship for a man, she must first respect him. If she doesn't respect him, it is going to be very difficult for her to feel loving and caring toward him. A woman who doesn't respect her man already has one foot out the door. Of course it is incumbent on the man to be the kind of man she can give her respect to, but that's a topic for a separate thread.
When things are lovingly done, they are always from the heart. Cleaning up after your spouse is an act of love done from the heart even if it's an icky thing to do. If your heart isn't in the relationship, you won't be so motivated.
It is actually the other way around. Your heart feels the relationship, that brings you to companionship even when it's not easy. Your heart was in the relationship does not mean that everything you do is pleasant. What you think of is the individual possibly unpleasant things to do that you think your heart is not into. But you do them precisely because your heart is in the relationship itself and your loving, if unpleasant, tasks stem from that context.
For a woman to feel this level of love and care and companionship for a man, she must first respect him. If she doesn't respect him, it is going to be very difficult for her to feel loving and caring toward him. A woman who doesn't respect her man already has one foot out the door. Of course it is incumbent on the man to be the kind of man she can give her respect to, but that's a topic for a separate thread.
Zzyzx: Usually you're spot on, but I've got to disagree with you on this one. I love my wife to death (kisses/flowers/hugs/cuddle you name it) and I do it because I really want to, but she is often disrespectful. She seems to be very happy with the situation (all her needs are met) - I'm not. I'm the one with 1 foot out the door if something doesn't change. Here's another one to add to my growing list of respect issues - I'm at the table talking to my wife and one of the kids comes into the kitchen and starts talking to her. Without missing a beat she starts up the conversation with my child - sometimes with me in mid-sentence. And often even gets up and leaves. Ouch!
Location: On a clear day, I can see Mt. Rainier ... but you can't count on the days to be clear here ...
Posts: 1,863
Re: What do husbands "need" from their wives??
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zzyzx
It is actually the other way around. Your heart feels the relationship, that brings you to companionship even when it's not easy. Your heart was in the relationship does not mean that everything you do is pleasant. What you think of is the individual possibly unpleasant things to do that you think your heart is not into. But you do them precisely because your heart is in the relationship itself and your loving, if unpleasant, tasks stem from that context.
For a woman to feel this level of love and care and companionship for a man, she must first respect him. If she doesn't respect him, it is going to be very difficult for her to feel loving and caring toward him. A woman who doesn't respect her man already has one foot out the door. Of course it is incumbent on the man to be the kind of man she can give her respect to, but that's a topic for a separate thread.
I suppose it's a bit of a chicken and egg question, and part of the reason is probably that we put a little different philosophical division between heart and mind. No problem IMO if we do that.
If you were to ask me what I needed, I think respect is called for in other threads, but when I think of what I most appreciate, it is in the form of companionship and partnership. They may have respect implied, but it's not how I think of it - I think of it in the form of the companionship, partnership, etc.
Location: On a clear day, I can see Mt. Rainier ... but you can't count on the days to be clear here ...
Posts: 1,863
Re: What do husbands "need" from their wives??
Thinking again on my partnership answer from before:
I suppose the reason disagreements between us are not seen as a big thing is that I have ALWAYS been able to trust that my wife always has our family's best interests in mind. It's never a question in my mind on that level. So long as I know that basic thing about her, then disagreements have always just been about the details - not the foundation.
So let me add: she always has our family's best interests in mind.
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Re: What do husbands "need" from their wives?? 
Take care...
