What's the formula? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 54 (permalink) Old 01-28-2013, 06:15 AM Thread Starter
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What's the formula?

Me and my husband have been married for 11 years. I want my marriage to last for the rest of our lives.

What can I do now to ensure we'll always be happily married?
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post #2 of 54 (permalink) Old 01-28-2013, 06:31 AM
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What's the formula?

Communication & intimacy are my top two. Those are the two main areas that suffer over the years.
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post #3 of 54 (permalink) Old 01-28-2013, 06:36 AM Thread Starter
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Re: What's the formula?

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Originally Posted by woundedwarrior View Post
Communication & intimacy are my top two. Those are the two main areas that suffer over the years.
We do communicate. There are things we avoid because the conversations get us into fights but for the most part we communicate.

Intimacy - we don't have a lot of sex but we're affectionate.
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post #4 of 54 (permalink) Old 01-28-2013, 08:00 AM
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What's the formula?

The key is if you are both content & satisfied with both areas. I would take consistent affection & romance over sex any day. Avoiding fights is always a good thing.
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post #5 of 54 (permalink) Old 01-28-2013, 08:30 AM
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Re: What's the formula?

25+ Years together

Communication is key. Avoidance of hot issues generally leads to withdrawal or resentment.

A healthy sex life, an area we sometimes struggle with but communicating one's needs/wants has helped.

Quality time together. My wife and I spend huge amounts of time together.

Physical intimacy. We hug and kiss several times a day.

Empathy, we try to keep in mind where each other is coming from and why we differ in opinion.

Every couple should read The 5 Love Languages.

Amp

Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.

"Some of the greatest lessons life has taught me came from my darkest days in it" -Amp
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post #6 of 54 (permalink) Old 01-28-2013, 09:13 AM
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Re: What's the formula?

Married 21 years. I say you both need to want it to last the rest of your lives. That ensures that you're both willing to work on problems as they arise.
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post #7 of 54 (permalink) Old 01-28-2013, 09:14 AM
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Re: What's the formula?

Married 18 years.

Humour.
Have fun and laugh, even at the most serious things.
If both of you could find each other's jokes funny and laugh at the same things, a special bond , like a deep a understanding is formed.

Don't take each other neither yourself too seriously.

FITNESS ~ Our Lifestyle.
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“....And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music....”
Friedrich Nietzsche
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post #8 of 54 (permalink) Old 01-28-2013, 01:46 PM
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Re: What's the formula?

Don't cheat on each other either emotionally or sexually.

Have an independent sense of self worth; don't look for your spouse to make you whole or fill a void in yourself.

Be able to laugh easily, don't take everything seriously. Having a good sense of humor will take you far in life.

Pick your battles; not every disagreement is worth getting mad about. You don't always have to be right or have the last word.

Don't let small issues grow into big problems. Nip problems in the bud before the issue gets bigger than both of you. If you're having problems talking about certain issues, don't avoid them. Over time those issues will become huge issues. Conflict avoidance is not a good strategy for marriage.

Learn to fight right without sarcasm, mockery, insults. Easier said than done, but a good skill to master.

You're a team. There's no "I" in team.

Be a good listener. Try to understand things from your spouse's point of view.

Be a good communicator. Don't assume your spouse knows what you want or can read your mind. Explain things clearly and with examples especially if you're talking to your husband. Remember that nonverbal communication speaks louder than verbal communication so stop the eyeball rolling and other rude gestures.

Have a solid friendship with each other underlying your marriage.

Make room for fun each week. Married life isn't all about the bills, the kids, the housekeeping, your work obligations. Forget to have fun with each other and you'll soon find that your spouse has found someone else willing to have fun with him/her.

Make sure you both agree on money matters and your sex life which are two things that often drive a couple to divorce.
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post #9 of 54 (permalink) Old 01-28-2013, 03:01 PM
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Re: What's the formula?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Enchanted View Post
Intimacy - we don't have a lot of sex but we're affectionate.
Are you both happy with the frequency of sex?

The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to "stand up for your rights." Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out. 1 Corinthians 7:2 (The Message)
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post #10 of 54 (permalink) Old 01-28-2013, 05:47 PM
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Re: What's the formula?

Coffee Amore's post was great! Those are all great things to do and most I try to live by. The only thing I would add is to develop good boundaries with your spouse that you both agree with. Don't wait until a problem happens.

CM is right. It's all about the fun. Just last weekend while the kids were gone we built a fort in the family room in front of the fireplace and spent the night in it. We're not afraid to act like kids...

I don't want to not live because of my fear of what could happen. - Laird Hamilton
Listen to your spouse!
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post #11 of 54 (permalink) Old 01-28-2013, 05:58 PM
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What's the formula?

I don't think there is much to add to CA post.

I will say however money can be source of real problems in a marriage when it should not be. For years I was the keeper of the accounts and that simply should not be. I have basically communicated to my wife she needs to be aware of the finances right along with me. It not only keeps me accountable it also means if something happens to me she can step right in and do the bills etc.

Raising kids can also create rifts and it too should not. It becomes even more complicated when you have a child of special needs and you have two parents who have differing philosophies on what is best. Being on the same page or at least making compromises on child rearing can go a long way in saving a marriage.

Science is more than just a wild ass guess.
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post #12 of 54 (permalink) Old 01-28-2013, 07:21 PM
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Re: What's the formula?

My marriage is failing. But it wouldn't have if we communicated better, were more intimate, and more mature. I think maturity, intimacy, communication, and effort.
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post #13 of 54 (permalink) Old 01-29-2013, 05:05 AM Thread Starter
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Re: What's the formula?

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Originally Posted by romantic_guy View Post
Are you both happy with the frequency of sex?
We both want to have more sex (in theory) but we tend to push it aside to watch TV.
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post #14 of 54 (permalink) Old 01-29-2013, 05:07 AM Thread Starter
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Re: What's the formula?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Coffee Amore View Post
Don't cheat on each other either emotionally or sexually.

Have an independent sense of self worth; don't look for your spouse to make you whole or fill a void in yourself.

Be able to laugh easily, don't take everything seriously. Having a good sense of humor will take you far in life.

Pick your battles; not every disagreement is worth getting mad about. You don't always have to be right or have the last word.

Don't let small issues grow into big problems. Nip problems in the bud before the issue gets bigger than both of you. If you're having problems talking about certain issues, don't avoid them. Over time those issues will become huge issues. Conflict avoidance is not a good strategy for marriage.

Learn to fight right without sarcasm, mockery, insults. Easier said than done, but a good skill to master.

You're a team. There's no "I" in team.

Be a good listener. Try to understand things from your spouse's point of view.

Be a good communicator. Don't assume your spouse knows what you want or can read your mind. Explain things clearly and with examples especially if you're talking to your husband. Remember that nonverbal communication speaks louder than verbal communication so stop the eyeball rolling and other rude gestures.

Have a solid friendship with each other underlying your marriage.

Make room for fun each week. Married life isn't all about the bills, the kids, the housekeeping, your work obligations. Forget to have fun with each other and you'll soon find that your spouse has found someone else willing to have fun with him/her.

Make sure you both agree on money matters and your sex life which are two things that often drive a couple to divorce.
These are the best rules! Thanks
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post #15 of 54 (permalink) Old 01-29-2013, 05:09 AM Thread Starter
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Re: What's the formula?

Quote:
Originally Posted by meson View Post
Coffee Amore's post was great! Those are all great things to do and most I try to live by. The only thing I would add is to develop good boundaries with your spouse that you both agree with. Don't wait until a problem happens.

CM is right. It's all about the fun. Just last weekend while the kids were gone we built a fort in the family room in front of the fireplace and spent the night in it. We're not afraid to act like kids...
We know fun is important and we are going to put more effort into planning fun things for the weekend. Right now, we do spend a lot of time doing housework. But we enjoy doing projects around the house so that is sort of our fun.
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