Anyone here in a marriage where the wife is the boss? Did it work? - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 36 (permalink) Old 02-24-2013, 11:33 AM
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Re: Anyone here in a marriage where the wife is the boss? Did it work?

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post #17 of 36 (permalink) Old 02-24-2013, 11:44 AM
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Re: Anyone here in a marriage where the wife is the boss? Did it work?

I'm surprised you're even considering this. It does not bother you that you will have no say in your marriage? It does not bother her that she'll have a husband with no backbone?

I don't understand this concept. I always consider communication and respect key elements in a healthy marriage. And in this circumstance you'd be willing to give it up. Makes no sense to me.

Please elaborate on how your trial went and what you felt worked well.

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post #18 of 36 (permalink) Old 02-24-2013, 11:46 AM
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Re: Anyone here in a marriage where the wife is the boss? Did it work?

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This whole idea is awful.

I would never agree to it(man or woman), nor would I ever treat my husband like this. People who control like this tend to be abusive.

I'd leave the marriage. I would rather live alone then in a household where I was bossed around. I grew up that way and I hated it. In fact my mother still tries to control my life, it's too bad she can't and I can finally stand up for myself.
I have to agree with this. Hopefully most here would.

My wife and I are a partnership. The areas each of us have primary day to day responsobilities for are based on our complementary skills and frankly workload.

That said, there are areas where I would make the final call. I am the protector if you will in a traditional sense. But this is agreed to.

In general we subscribe to POJA. Policy Of Joint Agreement. Meaning any major decisions are agreed to. Either of us has veto power. No freedom to do and beg forgiveness later games.

We are both the boss in that we can fire each other. Thankfully that has never happened.

I have traditionally been more agressive in the work environment and understand backing off when I am home. But I am the Captain and my wife the First Mate. This is what Athol describes it as. But indeed this is the way my wife and I have been since before I got out of the Navy. See if you are going to need to go on a cruise you have to have a strong and capable woman as a wife. But the good news is that this bodes well in life period. She is just at the helm much of the time. There is NEVER any disrespect. I invoke the Alpha when needed. But it is a balance.

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post #19 of 36 (permalink) Old 02-24-2013, 01:55 PM
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Re: Anyone here in a marriage where the wife is the boss? Did it work?

No, I've never experienced this in a relationship and know it wouldn't work for me. Whilst my SO will never be my "boss," there's absolutely no way that I will ever be his, either - nor would I want to be.

I would lose all respect for any man who allowed me to control his life, and lose respect for myself if I allowed him to control mine.

I believe in mutual cooperation in relationships, where both parties' weaknesses and strengths are acknowledged and respected. There are many things in which I defer to my SO's better judgment, and there are certain areas where he defers to mine. We do this for the betterment and good of our relationship, not in an attempt to get to play top dog.

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Last edited by Cosmos; 02-24-2013 at 03:12 PM.
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post #20 of 36 (permalink) Old 02-24-2013, 02:24 PM
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Re: Anyone here in a marriage where the wife is the boss? Did it work?

Since STBXW had the seven-figure financials in her favor, she felt that, in and of itself, it gave her the inherent right to be the "boss" and I didn't quibble about it. Prior to the "I do's," she always intoned that it was always going to be a 50-50 partnership, but that was just cosmetic.

She dictated orders, work schedules, trips, vacations, social events, et.al. If she didn't like the way you did things, you were taken off detail because she wanted it done right the first time~ no second chance. Unless of course, you were one of her lousy, no-account kids who ran afoul of the law and were heavily into the drug/tattoo culture~ they could do no wrong!

And in looking at things now prior to the issuance of the final decree, and despite my abandonment by her for the OM, I greatly feel like the weight of the world has been virtually lifted off of my narrow shoulders!

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post #21 of 36 (permalink) Old 02-24-2013, 02:42 PM
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Re: Anyone here in a marriage where the wife is the boss? Did it work?

I was a bit of a burnout and was so overwhelmed with stress and anxiety in my marriage I basically shut down in a lot of ways, was at the point of being broken into submissiveness - and the idea of having my W (at the time) take the lead - was really appealing. But I honestly think it was pure fantasy, you are craving to be absolved from all personal accountability, to have complete dependence on and servitude to some one that would take care of all your needs while you only had to do as instructed. I understand it has a lot to do with sexuality but also more than that.

However I don't really think slavery is healthy for anyone, not under a caste system nor the modern era. There is no escaping that if you are alive you and you alone are responsible for your actions and only your actions. I believe submitting in the way you wish is not truly a possibility - nor do I think it's fair or possible for any one person to take over responsibility of someone else like the master you envision her becoming. You can try but she will inevitable fail, and where would that lead you?

However if you want to integrate a few ideas of the master/slave thing in a roleplaying scenario from time to time (and it seems you both do) it may be fun and exciting without all the repercussions of making it permanent reality.

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post #22 of 36 (permalink) Old 02-24-2013, 03:15 PM
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Re: Anyone here in a marriage where the wife is the boss? Did it work?

Are we talking sexual role play here, or every day life? I'm a bit confused...

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post #23 of 36 (permalink) Old 02-24-2013, 04:08 PM
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Re: Anyone here in a marriage where the wife is the boss? Did it work?

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Are we talking sexual role play here, or every day life? I'm a bit confused...
I think he is talking every day. I'm suggesting role play (but not just for sex).

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post #24 of 36 (permalink) Old 02-24-2013, 04:19 PM
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Re: Anyone here in a marriage where the wife is the boss? Did it work?

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I think he is talking every day. I'm suggesting role play (but not just for sex).
OK. I can see this perhaps working for role play sex, but not every day life.

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post #25 of 36 (permalink) Old 02-24-2013, 04:42 PM
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Re: Anyone here in a marriage where the wife is the boss? Did it work?

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OK. I can see this perhaps working for role play sex, but not every day life.
I think when you are really horny and/or worked up over an idea anything can come to seem a little more feasible.

There are people who practice this everyday, some in a more prominent manner (like the guy I saw at the science fair, who looked quite normal apart from the choke collar with a ring on it - I guess his master must have let him off his leash that day to take his kid to the fair), and sometimes it is more of a mainstream idea (akin to the surrendered wife, but in this case surrendered H). edit: this analogy may not be appropriate, surrendered Wife is apparently not about submissiveness, rather surrendering control over their husbands where the dynamic the OP is talking about has not worked.

I don't know how well the extreme version works out in in the long run for most cases, but I'll bet people involved will never tell you anything bad about it (even if in reality it is a lousy situation).


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post #26 of 36 (permalink) Old 02-24-2013, 11:23 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Anyone here in a marriage where the wife is the boss? Did it work?

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I'm surprised you're even considering this. It does not bother you that you will have no say in your marriage?
Actually, the main thing that would bother me would be to not have any say in raising the children, because she and I have different parenting styles (she's more strict) and if nothing else, I don't think I could abdicate from that. Otherwise, I trust her and we are good friends. She is also not a micromanager, which helps.


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It does not bother her that she'll have a husband with no backbone?
I asked her that very question, and she said very clearly no, it wouldn't bother her in the least. And she says that besides we will be so much happier so it won't matter.

I should point out that in the bedroom, I very much take the lead and she said she wants me to keep doing that as long as it is enjoyable for her.

Quote:
Please elaborate on how your trial went and what you felt worked well.
Our trial period was about a year ago. We set up the rules and agreed it would be for a month. It went very well actually, with no arguments. Although a complication came up because it just so happened that during that time I came down on orders to leave for a military training course and then Afghanistan, so we were trying to make the best use of the time we had. So it's hard to know if it went so well because of that, or because she was in charge. I just don't feel like it was a real test.

After I came back from deployment, and after so taking vacation and so much family craziness during the holidays, we talked about doing this again, but she didn't want a "trial period", she wants it for real now. So I told her I need time to think about it.

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post #27 of 36 (permalink) Old 02-24-2013, 11:32 PM
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Re: Anyone here in a marriage where the wife is the boss? Did it work?

If you believe that in this arrangement you will not become resentful that your wife has taken away your freedom to make decisions, then by all means give it a go. But, I would caution you that this may feel alright in the beginning, but I'm willing to bet there will be times where you wish you had some control. Whether it be what groceries to buy, what outfit to wear or even which relatives to visit (or not). How extreme is this gonna go? And are you both clear of the rules and boundaries? Heck, i'd even write them down if I were you...set an expirey date incase u don't like it.
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post #28 of 36 (permalink) Old 02-25-2013, 03:31 PM
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Re: Anyone here in a marriage where the wife is the boss? Did it work?

You know he brought up an interesting thing here. About having a say about the children.

Is this really good for the children? To see that the father has no power. This would be a horrible example for the sons. Equally sets an expectation for the daughters. I suspect they would have a real hard time adapting to life outside the family home. Does this infer a cult type following where the children interact with like minded families and that the sons marry daughters that are trained to be the boss? Seems a tad creepy to me.

Having two competent and loving parents that are partners sure seems like a good and healthy idea to me. Then again I look at marriage as a partnership.
The concept that there is a boss period seems to detract from this IMO.

Fine that the father is asseertive at work but the children do not see this man.

Also as discussed at first there is a sexual element at least with in the OPs marriage where he is open to his wife having an open marriage but he is not allowed. Hokey Smokes. This was not discussed and yes I am pulling itmout of the air. BUT, if she were to become pregnant by another man what happens then?

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post #29 of 36 (permalink) Old 02-25-2013, 08:01 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Anyone here in a marriage where the wife is the boss? Did it work?

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You know he brought up an interesting thing here. About having a say about the children.

Is this really good for the children? To see that the father has no power. This would be a horrible example for the sons. Equally sets an expectation for the daughters. I suspect they would have a real hard time adapting to life outside the family home. Does this infer a cult type following where the children interact with like minded families and that the sons marry daughters that are trained to be the boss? Seems a tad creepy to me.
Well, that worry might be a slight exaggeration - after all, many people did grow up (or still do) in homes where the father was unquestionably the boss, and they weren't traumatized from it. During our trial period, we agreed to keep all of this from the children. Not sure what we would do if it were a permanent arrangement.


Quote:
Also as discussed at first there is a sexual element at least with in the OPs marriage where he is open to his wife having an open marriage but he is not allowed. Hokey Smokes. This was not discussed and yes I am pulling itmout of the air. BUT, if she were to become pregnant by another man what happens then?
While she hasn't taken that option off the table, that is not a fantasy of hers (at present), so it's not likely to happen soon. But she uses birth control and obviously would continue to do so.
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post #30 of 36 (permalink) Old 02-26-2013, 12:25 PM
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Re: Anyone here in a marriage where the wife is the boss? Did it work?

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Well, that worry might be a slight exaggeration - after all, many people did grow up (or still do) in homes where the father was unquestionably the boss, and they weren't traumatized from it. During our trial period, we agreed to keep all of this from the children. Not sure what we would do if it were a permanent arrangement.




While she hasn't taken that option off the table, that is not a fantasy of hers (at present), so it's not likely to happen soon. But she uses birth control and obviously would continue to do so.
So how do you have one person being the boss and the children not know?

You do know that birth control is not 100%

You are ok with her having unprotected sex?

Do you make sure when she goes out she carries condoms with her? But then again if she is the boss she could choose to have sex bare back. You have no say in that.

Since you deploy, you are ok with her having sex if she chooses while you are gone. She's the boss. Her choice. Is she required to tell you are is that none of your business?

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