How to Bring Back the Intimacy in Marriage
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Old 03-14-2013, 10:25 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default How to Bring Back the Intimacy in Marriage

Hello everybody. I am hoping that all you experts can give me some direction. I have been happily married to my husband for almost 27 years. I still love my husband dearly and I believe he feels that way about me. Through the years though, the intimacy has dwindled in our marriage. How do you bring that back? I feel like we are beginning to be more like friends instead of husband/wife, lovers, etc. I don't want to be his best friend, I want to be his wife that he simply can't get enough of again. How do I accomplish that? ETA: We are in our 50s, so I know things won't be like they were in our 30s, but isn't there some middle ground we can strive for?
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Old 03-14-2013, 11:40 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to Bring Back the Intimacy in Marriage

Well,for starters do both of you still hug each other,hold hands,
and kiss daily?

Do you have date nights?

If your not shy tell him what you want and need.
A massage is always nice and can lead to other things.

When was the last time you both had a night at a nice hotel.

When where married for a long time we tend stop doing simple things we used to do.

Whether it is signs of love still or just doing small things as a couple like food shopping together.I'm sure the small things eventually add up to distance later on as the years go by.

You both need to reconnect with each other.If otherwise
your marriage is good,this won't be hard to do.

Last edited by nevergveup; 03-14-2013 at 11:50 AM.
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Old 03-14-2013, 11:44 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to Bring Back the Intimacy in Marriage

Read books and DO stuff together. His Needs Her Needs is an awesome book, along with it's companion workbook. We're working through it right now. There are others - Passionate Marriage is one, a hard read although great info if you can get through it.

Go on dates. Go away for the weekend. Find out what you like to do together and do it. Cook together. Whatever.

Talk. Do you talk? If not, schedule it. Our talk night is Monday evenings. And not about the weather.

Go away on a romantic vacation together. I can personally recommend two weeks on Kaua'i
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Old 03-14-2013, 01:00 PM   #4 (permalink)
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My husband and I spend a lot of time together. We own a business and are together all day. I sometimes wonder if that is part of the problem, we spend too much time together!

He did surprise me with a weekend away for my birthday in January and that was really nice; however, we had sex one time. Had that trip happened only a few years ago, sex would have happened every day.

I don't know, perhaps I am creating a problem where there is no problem. I know he loves me, I just long for the way things used to be I suppose. We always said that we were not going to be like other couples who quit having sex when we got older, but as things stand now, we may very well be the couple we swore we would never become. My husband says it's normal, that we are not spring chickens anymore (I'm 50, he's 54), but just because we are older doesn't mean we are dead and can't have a fulfilling sex life.

Thank you all for your responses. I have His Needs Her Needs, but will get the other recommended book.
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Old 03-14-2013, 01:38 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to Bring Back the Intimacy in Marriage

Has he had his testosterone checked?
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Old 03-14-2013, 01:40 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Yes. He is on the shots - has been for a few years.
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Old 03-14-2013, 01:43 PM   #7 (permalink)
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So I assume they test his levels periodically and he's fine?

I have a higher drive than hubby, but I pester him all the time and he usually obliges me. I'm 48, he's 44.

Is your hubby into it when you DO do it?

Why don't you celebrate steak and bj day today?
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Old 03-14-2013, 02:00 PM   #8 (permalink)
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That's a thought - I'm going to ask him if he knows it's steak and BJ day and wait for his response!
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Old 03-14-2013, 03:06 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Get him a card

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Old 03-14-2013, 03:24 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Love it!
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Old 03-14-2013, 03:36 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to Bring Back the Intimacy in Marriage

Being together 24/7 is definitely a hurdle to creating passion in bed. I think of the song, "How can I miss you when you never go away?" In addition to the suggestions so far, you might make a "desire" jar where each of you writes on slips of paper what you would like the other one to do for you sexually. You then take turns picking out the slips, and follow through.

You can also try different places in the house, car, or outside, different positions, role playing, toys, sexy lingerie, or weekend nights at a hotel.

Don't let your husband get away with saying that you are not spring chickens! You are not too old for passionate intimacy.
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Old 03-14-2013, 04:16 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Thanks LoveSherman, those are fantastic ideas. I especially like the "desire" jar. I agree, I don't think I will ever get too old for passionate intimacy!! We always had a great sex life - except the last few years it seems to be deteriorating. Even when we had a small child, we always made time for each other. No excuses now.

I have only been working at my husband's business since last June. I took the job with the stipulation that we would try it and if either of us thought it was just not working out, that I would quit, but so far so good. He isn't in the office that much during the day.

I am going to stir things up a little. Maybe we are just in a rut. I hope I get the response I want - wish me luck!!

Thanks to all of you who have offered advice and suggestions.
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Old 03-14-2013, 11:57 PM   #13 (permalink)
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karole, one idea I always fancied is this thought about trying to make my wife my "affair partner". As taboo as the topic is, the whole rush that people feel when having affairs is because they take risks and break boundaries and it's a huge rush for them.

What if you started transforming your daily lives into a bunch of daring rendezvous sex-capades? You work in the same office... maybe you wear some sexy lingerie one day and surprise him by coming on to him right there in the office and find a spot where you two can screw each other's brains out? Maybe when he's on a phone call you walk in and start playfully distracting him by playing with his junk and getting him horny... then leave him right in the middle of arousal and let him chase you down because you got him all hot and bothered.

You know, things like this... excitement can happen anywhere, you just have to make it happen. Talk dirty to each other. Maybe do some role playing? Send dirty pics to each other and sext each other. Do things that build up the anticipation for later, then capitalize on it when you're both hot to trot... Think out of the box! The world is literally your playground, you just need to go and take advantage of it.
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Old 03-15-2013, 12:55 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to Bring Back the Intimacy in Marriage

Have you ever wondered how your husband feels about sex? Intimacy is the closeness of your relationship with your husband do emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, sexually, and in many other ways. Intimacy is not an end goal but rather a journey that lasts throughout your marriage.
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Old 03-15-2013, 08:50 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Thank you all so much for all the suggestions! I guess when you have been together as long as we have, it seems that you begin to take each other for granted, don't do the fun things you used to do, and don't put as much effort into the relationship as you did early on. We have done a lot of the things that are being suggested in the past, but not recently. We need to bring that fun back into our marriage. It seems that the longer you go without adding the extras, such as those suggested here, it gets easier to just forget about them and allow the marriage to spin into a lull. I don't want us to be that way.

I am going to talk to my husband about what I see as problems in our sex life and relationship this weekend and get his perspective. Perhaps if we talk it out together, we can come up with a solution. We have always been very close and could always talk to each other about anything; however, it seems that lately, we don't even do that. One of us has to take the first step and I am willing to be the one to bring it up. Hopefully, we both can work together for a satisfactory solution.

Again, thank you all for the support.
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