A bump in the road??? Or the beginning of the end?
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Long Term Success in Marriage » A bump in the road??? Or the beginning of the end?

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Old 03-26-2013, 02:22 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default A bump in the road??? Or the beginning of the end?

I would enjoy the opinion about issues me and my wife are facing from someone that has enjoyed a long term successful marriage.

My wife and are have been married 10 years. In that time, we have lost the emotional intimacy and connection needed to make this last long term. There alot of reasons, most sound cliche'd....kids, work, life....etc.

Things came to a head this month and we have decided that for us to make it we need help and are currently in both couples and individual counseling.

We don't fight, don't argue, and get along really well. We have similar interests, same sense of humor, etc.

We are both in our mid-40's, raising two boys and from outward appearances, have a great life.

As we have dug deeper into our issues, we are coming to the conclusion that we CAN deepen our emotional intimacy and connection. We already have and at times has been really great. We have shared our wants, needs, fears, thoughts and I actually feel closer to her now than I have in a long time.
That said, my wife has also confessed that she isn't all that attracted to me and likely never was at least not deeply. I think she would likely say I was middle of the road for her, not a 10, not a 0, maybe a 5. Ouch...I feel i'm a decent looking guy, am extremely fit for my age, feel that I have a good sense of humor.

Because of this, sex is less than ideal for her. We do have sex, and sometimes it's often a few times a week. And she would say when we do it's good. I have her figured out and know what buttons to push so to speak and she loves the fact that I'm very giving in terms of sex. These are her words. Even so, it's unfulfilling for her somehow.

So we are going to continue to try to figure out if it's possible for her to feel more physically interested in me and she is in counseling for herself to dig deeper into this and some issues with her father (he abandoned her when she was about 12.)

I know that no one can tell us what will happen, but I am really struggling to understand if we have a chance to make this work, or if in a futile situation and I am only delaying the inevitable. I have read a ton, maybe too much and feel that perhaps this problem can't be solved, and that we're doomed.

Have you been in a situation similar? What happened?

Thanks for reading.
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Old 03-26-2013, 02:29 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: A bump in the road??? Or the beginning of the end?

Personally I think you're in a very bad spot.

That said, if she and you are both on board with trying to figure out it then that's worth some investment.

Don't give up on it until it's over.
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Old 03-26-2013, 03:46 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: A bump in the road??? Or the beginning of the end?

Simon,

Being married 38 years myself, I can tell you that the everyday responsibilities of life can put the romance of a relationship on the back burner. My wife and I have been guilty of that and brought our marriage back from the edge.

I was going to tell you how we went about it and what you might try. But two things stand out for me right away and I think you may start with another method.

1) She says she is not all that sexually attracted to you.

From your other post in CWI

2) She is in or recently been involved in an emotional affair.

Because of this, I don't know how committed she is to the relationship or how confident she is that she can recover a romance with you. She will have to sort that out in counselling. I hope she can be honest with you along the way.

I would rather you do a few reads for yourself, to understand the dynamics of relationships as to sexual attraction and relationships.

For the actraction, this book and site by another member Athol Kay
Married Man Sex Life

For the relationship, see how a marriage works and fulfills both partners.
His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage: Willard F. Jr. Harley

Too bad we all look for the answers when things fall apart and have to play catch up. Wish you well on you endeavor.


Edit: This one too....Intimacy & Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship: David Schnarch
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"In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing." T.R.

Last edited by anchorwatch; 03-27-2013 at 12:14 PM.
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Old 03-26-2013, 04:28 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: A bump in the road??? Or the beginning of the end?

Thank you for your thoughtful response here. I really appreciate it.

And..I will check out the links that you forwarded. Thank you for that as well.
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Old 03-27-2013, 11:54 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: A bump in the road??? Or the beginning of the end?

Married 27 years here and I have to say that while your wife was brutally honest with you, that is still one of the coldest things I've ever heard.

She's basically told you that she "settled" for you. Has she always felt this way or is this just a realization now that your 10 years into a relationship?

It's great that you've both committed to counseling. Perhaps something will be uncovered that will help her re-kindle what she felt for you when you were dating/first married but to be honest, I don't think that I'd ever get past this statement.
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