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post #31 of 52 (permalink) Old 06-01-2013, 02:30 PM
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Re: Menopause

I don't need a tin foil hat (I did post me in one on TAM, unrelated).

I'll admit that I totally screwed up since my first post in this thread, I tried to "fix" her "problem". My bad. I regained some trust and we are talking about it again. Trying to celebrate but I think our choice not having may come into play here.

I'm still a little fearful of her decreased drive (so is she), if any thing menopause has made me b!tchy It's no excuse for me either and I'm working on it.




Sigh, my wife gives me the speaking treatment.
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post #32 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-12-2015, 03:52 AM
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Re: Menopause

I read somewhere that telling a woman to 'get a grip' during her hormonal swings during perimenopause is like telling a man to stop growing a beard. Recent research reported on in a Uk daily suggests that having hormonal swings is a good thing otherwise women would be more like men who have relatively stable hormones over their lifetime. Then there would be less empathetic and act in more dominant and less flexible. Quote "our hormonal fluctuations are the basis for a sensitivity that allows us to be responsive to our environment, and empathetic and intuitive to our children’s and our partner’s needs. This makes us flexible and adaptable. Being fixed and rigid does not lend itself to survival. In nature, you adapt or die. Moodiness — being sensitive, caring deeply, and occasionally being acutely dissatisfied — is our natural source of power".

The problems arise when the woman's oestrogen drops then she becomes less flexible and willing to maintain harmony, hence the problems which arise in mid life in marriages.
The writer suggests
"In our fertile years it seems as though we live for our family and ‘Whatever you want, darling’ is the mantra we chant to our partners and children. We thrive by cultivating relationships and nurturing those around us. This is down to oestrogen — the hormone of accommodation.
But when oestrogen levels fall in menopause, we start slowly to change from the self-sacrifice of ‘OK, darling, I’ll take care of this’ to a more assertive ‘Do it yourself’.

I absolutely know that feeling, enough already, add that to the mix of other issues, and situations become explosive. Someone has suggested this is why so many marriages fall apart at this time of life (if the marriage hasn't been that good), women are more inclined to ask for divorce or be WAW.
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post #33 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-12-2015, 10:02 AM
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Re: Menopause

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Originally Posted by aine View Post
I read somewhere that telling a woman to 'get a grip' during her hormonal swings during perimenopause is like telling a man to stop growing a beard. Recent research reported on in a Uk daily suggests that having hormonal swings is a good thing otherwise women would be more like men who have relatively stable hormones over their lifetime. Then there would be less empathetic and act in more dominant and less flexible. Quote "our hormonal fluctuations are the basis for a sensitivity that allows us to be responsive to our environment, and empathetic and intuitive to our children’s and our partner’s needs. This makes us flexible and adaptable. Being fixed and rigid does not lend itself to survival. In nature, you adapt or die. Moodiness — being sensitive, caring deeply, and occasionally being acutely dissatisfied — is our natural source of power".

The problems arise when the woman's oestrogen drops then she becomes less flexible and willing to maintain harmony, hence the problems which arise in mid life in marriages.
The writer suggests
"In our fertile years it seems as though we live for our family and ‘Whatever you want, darling’ is the mantra we chant to our partners and children. We thrive by cultivating relationships and nurturing those around us. This is down to oestrogen — the hormone of accommodation.
But when oestrogen levels fall in menopause, we start slowly to change from the self-sacrifice of ‘OK, darling, I’ll take care of this’ to a more assertive ‘Do it yourself’.

I absolutely know that feeling, enough already, add that to the mix of other issues, and situations become explosive. Someone has suggested this is why so many marriages fall apart at this time of life (if the marriage hasn't been that good), women are more inclined to ask for divorce or be WAW.
That is fascinating and it certainly resonates with me.

For more than 20 years I lived for my family and then after several family crises it was like a light bulb went off. I became selfish and no longer willing to bend to accommodate anymore, for anyone! I thought it was prompted by the tidal waves of crises occurring. But coincidentally, I had begun perimenopause around that time too.

Definitely food for thought.

"Some women are blessed with multi-orgasmic ability for a reason and I'm damn sure not going to waste a blessing" ~FrenchFry


"Vaginas are tricky creatures." ~Lucy999
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post #34 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-13-2015, 02:52 PM
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Re: Menopause

This is an old thread that has been resurrected.

I've also seen the latest reports Aine which are saying that menopausal women need more support in the workplace as it is such a difficult time for them, with hormones all over the place, hot flushes and lack of sleep.

I have worked with several women who have gone through the menopause over the last few years, and I am now perimenopausal myself. From what I have seen, and from my own experience I do think that the declining oestrogen does have an effect on a woman's personality, I am definitely not so much of a soft touch/doormat these days, I take less sh*t, and I think that that is a good thing.

I don't think though that women on the whole use "menopause" as an excuse for bad behaviour, from what I have seen/experienced women are not in control of what is happening to them. At times it takes huge amounts of will power to keep their emotions under control, and sometimes it just isn't possible.

It is a tough time in a woman's life.

* shakes head and wonders why anyone would leave a job involving giving hand jobs to fish *
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post #35 of 52 (permalink) Old 07-10-2015, 06:34 AM
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How long does it lasts?

What happens to a women's sex drive?

I'm dreading it. I also wonder when all this will start
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post #36 of 52 (permalink) Old 07-10-2015, 06:49 AM
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Re: Menopause

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Originally Posted by J.deere View Post
How long does it lasts?

What happens to a women's sex drive?

I'm dreading it. I also wonder when all this will start
This is an old thread.

How long? 5-10 years

Sex drive? variable, she might have bursts of young male like high drive, she might not, at the end it may plummet to zero.

When? I believe the average final period is in the early to mid 50's so the start of the long decline would probably average early to late 40's.
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post #37 of 52 (permalink) Old 07-10-2015, 08:12 AM
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Re: Menopause

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Originally Posted by anonmd View Post
This is an old thread.

How long? 5-10 years

Sex drive? variable, she might have bursts of young male like high drive, she might not, at the end it may plummet to zero.

When? I believe the average final period is in the early to mid 50's so the start of the long decline would probably average early to late 40's.
I am 56 and only in peri-menopause.

My drive is thru the roof. H cannot keep up.

Menopause is not the end of desire...it is just a change that can be managed.

I'm just another TAM Cleavage Bully.....
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post #38 of 52 (permalink) Old 07-10-2015, 08:39 AM
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Re: Menopause

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I am 56 and only in peri-menopause.

My drive is thru the roof. H cannot keep up.

Menopause is not the end of desire...it is just a change that can be managed.
Great for you!

That is not universal though. My wife experienced occasional short, as in a week or two at a time, bursts of insatiable drive. I might need two hands to count these. A decade or more of hot flashes and night sweats. Not much at all in the way of mood or behavior changes. And now nothing. She makes an effort but I am told she has zero libido and her vagina "doesn't work". HRT not really an option due to genetic concerns.

To me, that conversation was the death of hope...
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post #39 of 52 (permalink) Old 07-11-2015, 03:34 AM
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Re: Menopause

I am 48 and in menopause as no periods for over 12 months, peri lasted about 2 years. Maybe 3 or 4 small hot flushes, no sleep issues, if anything my mood is better (but I think that is more to do with generally being very happy with life), lots and lots of sex with no lube needed.

I am a good, healthy weight, eat a decent vegetarian diet but I do drink too much at times.

So no real issue so far (touch wood) but I do wonder if I was still with my ex and living a very unhappy life if I would be sailing through this so easily. I could easily be one of those people that used anything as an excuse to be moody if my life was unhappy. As it is my life is in a great way, in an excellent relationship and loving life, menopause has had zero impact on life so far.
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post #40 of 52 (permalink) Old 12-22-2015, 12:47 AM
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Re: Menopause

I don't think the sailing is smooth for everyone. From what I've seen some people can lose most of their sexuality.

It's difficult to say the least.


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Ain't got half of what you thought you had.
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post #41 of 52 (permalink) Old 01-05-2016, 11:17 PM
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Re: Menopause

I got through my wife's menopause by hiding the alcohol and buying her a puppy. Due to medical problems with both of us, we had very low odds of having a child together, but my wife always had hope. Menopause told her that her odds went to zero and that really affected her. The puppy really helped. It gave her someone to baby and care for. After the puppy, things got much better. That dog follows her wherever she goes. When my wife goes out, he stands on our bed and looks out of the window until she returns. She sort of treats him like a child but that is OK with me.
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post #42 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-19-2016, 12:30 PM
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Re: Menopause

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Originally Posted by Mindful Coach View Post
Hi All,

I recently wrote an article about how to support your wife going through perimenopause/menopause. I got the following comment and was really curious about what long term married couples might have to say.....

Here is the comment: "My wife is currently going through premenopause. I love her and I do try my best to support her. But, what troubles me is, where is the accountability on her end or should we just support/excuse EVERYTHING"

I won't share my response to him just yet as I'm curious what others have to say. I did take two views into account 1. The wife struggles with emotional maturity and is acting out really bad with her symptoms, OR that she is doing her best, is emotionally mature enough to be reasonable, as much as one can be going through such a significant change - but that her best just isn't up to his expectations. So, either way you look at it - what is your take?
My wife also suffers from a mood disorder for which medication helps her to at least function normally. I can relate to the hormone/chemical imbalance issue.

That said, yes during this time there is a lot of grace in her changes. The only problem I have is with the sex drive. From what I've read that women's sex drive goes through the roof before, and occasionally during, menopause. Where was the grace for me when I was in my early 20s and raging hormones? Now that I'm staring down the barrel of 40 I want it less. I will not allow her to use the excuse of getting older as an excuse to needing sex when I said that to her before and got the response of "no".

So to answer the OP's question, no I will not excuse EVERYTHING, but I will excuse a lot during short periods.
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post #43 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-23-2016, 12:19 PM
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Re: Menopause

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Originally Posted by committed_guy View Post
That said, yes during this time there is a lot of grace in her changes. The only problem I have is with the sex drive. From what I've read that women's sex drive goes through the roof before, and occasionally during, menopause. Where was the grace for me when I was in my early 20s and raging hormones? Now that I'm staring down the barrel of 40 I want it less. I will not allow her to use the excuse of getting older as an excuse to needing sex when I said that to her before and got the response of "no".
Yep.. this happened to ME.. it was soooo INTENSE (why I landed on this forum even).. I remember getting very emotional about feeling he is slowing down when I am just getting started.. I even had moments where I was shaking my fits at God (so to speak).. like WHY did he do this to mankind.. ... Men feel like this in their early 20's... then we don't get a taste of it till our early 40's!@# Men get the lousy end of the stick here, so it seems.

I was very remorseful for not "getting it" back in the day.. my husband was never one who came on like a freight train though.. but boy when this hit me.. I did !@# I couldn't understand how in the world he controlled himself back then.. I think I had it worse than him.. or he is just way more patient..which is true in comparing us.

He told me he never wanted me to suffer.. he went out of his way to be there for me.. his motto was.. so long as he could get it up.. he was going to use it......when this started to subside, even though I was wearing him out, he was even a little sad about it.

I have found this peri-menopause phase to be the most exhilarating yrs in our marriage -due to this sex drive increase I had & it's effects on me.. the lessons I learned from it.... although I was MORE MOODY during PMS (like a rain cloud was following me around).... still this was like a mid life Honeymoon.. it brought us closer together... focusing more on Him & I...over it always being about the kids.... part of our story anyway.
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post #44 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-23-2016, 12:27 PM
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Re: Menopause

I just started a thread on this in ladies lounge. How I, for a few hours every month, am ready to jump on the next guy I see. It's.... disconcerting...
I'm 49.
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post #45 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-23-2016, 05:24 PM
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i hope other women are apologizing for their actions. I know I am, all the time! I must be starting perimenopause and I feel way too young for it.

For me the worst part is feeling like I'm losing my mind... every month. Major shifts in mood and literal fits of rage that I have to excuse myself and practically meditate to get out of. I have always been and even tempered emotionally steady person so this is hard to handle. Especially when I'm trying to decide if my marriage is working or not. I have often wonder if this is a major contributor to WAW.
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