Menopause - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 52 (permalink) Old 04-08-2013, 07:04 AM Thread Starter
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Menopause

Hi All,

I recently wrote an article about how to support your wife going through perimenopause/menopause. I got the following comment and was really curious about what long term married couples might have to say.....

Here is the comment: "My wife is currently going through premenopause. I love her and I do try my best to support her. But, what troubles me is, where is the accountability on her end or should we just support/excuse EVERYTHING"

I won't share my response to him just yet as I'm curious what others have to say. I did take two views into account 1. The wife struggles with emotional maturity and is acting out really bad with her symptoms, OR that she is doing her best, is emotionally mature enough to be reasonable, as much as one can be going through such a significant change - but that her best just isn't up to his expectations. So, either way you look at it - what is your take?

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post #2 of 52 (permalink) Old 04-08-2013, 07:20 AM
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Re: Menopause

I'm perimenopausal and I think women use it as an excuse to behave like a b!tch. Yes it made me crazy, yes I wanted to bite my husband's head off, yes I was irritable, yes I was tired, all of it.

I did NOT however take it out on my husband. If I felt the urge to do so I warned him then I asked NICELY for help while I retreated AWAY from him until I got a grip. He knew when PMS was here almost before I did.

Thankfully now I'm on hormones and this isn't a problem anymore.

PS I'm not perfect there were times when I didn't catch that it was hormonal for a day or so but I still worked hard to keep a muzzle on my mouth so I didn't say something I'd regret. Perimenopause made me cranky yes but it did not make me lose IQ points. I was smart enough to recognize that he didn't cause this.
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post #3 of 52 (permalink) Old 04-08-2013, 10:14 AM
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Re: Menopause

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Originally Posted by Mindful Coach View Post
Hi All,

I recently wrote an article about how to support your wife going through perimenopause/menopause. I got the following comment and was really curious about what long term married couples might have to say.....

Here is the comment: "My wife is currently going through premenopause. I love her and I do try my best to support her. But, what troubles me is, where is the accountability on her end or should we just support/excuse EVERYTHING"

I won't share my response to him just yet as I'm curious what others have to say. I did take two views into account 1. The wife struggles with emotional maturity and is acting out really bad with her symptoms, OR that she is doing her best, is emotionally mature enough to be reasonable, as much as one can be going through such a significant change - but that her best just isn't up to his expectations. So, either way you look at it - what is your take?
It helps enormously if we're emotionally mature when we reach menopause but, IME, even then we're at the mercy of raging hormones and both the physical and psychological effects of menopause. During this time we can be exhausted (the joys of night sweats), depressed and totally confused by the changes that are taking place in our bodies, and we need the unconditional love and support of those around us.

Of course those around us cannot be expected to tolerate totally unreasonable behaviour from us, and a spouse should rather gently, but firmly, urge us to seek professional help if we aren't coping as well as we could be...

I was well into an early and difficult menopause before I found out what was happening to me, and all I can say is after only 2 weeks on HRT patches and I was a brand new woman!

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.
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post #4 of 52 (permalink) Old 04-08-2013, 11:48 AM
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Re: Menopause

Link to article please.

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Originally Posted by Cosmos View Post
we need the unconditional love and support of those around us.
My wife just realized last week she went over the estrogen cliff. Unconditional love I can do. I'm unsure about what "support" is needed.

My take? Not sure, but now that we know what's going on I hope she'll be able to do her best and that I'll be supportive. Perimenopause presented few outward symptoms, there was no noticeable increase in b!tchyness but now sex has become problematic.



Sigh, my wife gives me the speaking treatment.
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post #5 of 52 (permalink) Old 04-08-2013, 12:58 PM
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Re: Menopause

Saw this thread and it made me pause for a second.
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post #6 of 52 (permalink) Old 04-08-2013, 03:06 PM
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Re: Menopause

When I was at my worst I was more than a bit crabby I was irrational, depressed and suicidal.... for a week every month. I really truly thought I was going mad. Up until then I had never had any signs of depression or mental illness. My mum and sister went through a normal menopause, with no going mad. Although they both had terrible PMS all their lives, which i never had. Periods were always easy peasy until I hit 40.

THE only thing I needed was love and support. If my H had played hard ball in any way shape or form... well... I don't really want to think what might have happened.

For someone who hasn't been through it I'm sure it's difficult to understand how 'not me' I became...for a few days each month. I'm sure in the past i have scoffed when I have read about women going bonkers during peri menopause... not anymore.

I feel so bad for any H going through a bad time with their wife. My H says I he didn't know me at times. One thing... my nastiness was mostly directed at me. I hated myself during those times...with a passion. Feels funny to even type that now, I rather like myself. I'm a cool chick!

I so appreciate that H stuck by me and supported me during that time. He was a star and he knows it!

For reference: I'm nearly 46 and still menstruate... regularly My dark days were when I was just hitting 40. Really thought the 'pause' bit would have happened for me by now... but I've read it can go on for 10 years. I take herbs to regulate my hormones. I showed up as progesterone deficient and estrogen dominate.
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post #7 of 52 (permalink) Old 04-08-2013, 03:59 PM
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Re: Menopause

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My wife just realized last week she went over the estrogen cliff. Unconditional love I can do. I'm unsure about what "support" is needed.
Support in the form of encouragement to do things to help herself cope with the symptoms - including seeking professional help if / when indicated.

Your unconditional love will already be helping your W more than you realize

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.
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post #8 of 52 (permalink) Old 04-08-2013, 06:32 PM
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Re: Menopause

My wife is heading towards the menopause. Periods coming at irregular times.

I need a tin hat, I think.

I think this might help raise a smile http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/d...-menopause.jpg

http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk
http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk...-cheaters.html (Be afraid UK cheaters! CheaterVille has come to the UK!
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post #9 of 52 (permalink) Old 04-08-2013, 11:19 PM
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Re: Menopause

I don't think there is any one answer, maybe she is emotionally imature, maybe there is some left over baggage in their relationship that is harder for her to handle at this time, or maybe she is having a harder time with the hormones than other women.

I know women who had one hotflash and that was it. For me, on a scale from 1 - 10, my symptoms were at a 12. It was absolutly horible and it lasted for 8 years. To top it off, we had a bunch of teenagers and hubby was going through andropause.

I lost it sometimes and I don't think I am emotionally imature, it is called really bad hormones, suicidal hormones and unless you experience it you will never know.
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post #10 of 52 (permalink) Old 04-09-2013, 06:52 AM
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Re: Menopause

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I don't think there is any one answer, maybe she is emotionally imature, maybe there is some left over baggage in their relationship that is harder for her to handle at this time, or maybe she is having a harder time with the hormones than other women.

I know women who had one hotflash and that was it. For me, on a scale from 1 - 10, my symptoms were at a 12. It was absolutly horible and it lasted for 8 years. To top it off, we had a bunch of teenagers and hubby was going through andropause.

I lost it sometimes and I don't think I am emotionally imature, it is called really bad hormones, suicidal hormones and unless you experience it you will never know.
I hear you, JH. During mine, I had to contend with 3 close family bereavements, a rebellious teenage son (divorced mother), the difficult but necessary decision to make a major geographical move, the loss of everything I'd ever worked for as a result of the latter - along with a host of other major life changes... I often put my inability to cope during that time down to lack of emotional maturity, but looking back I think I did pretty well!


Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.
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post #11 of 52 (permalink) Old 04-09-2013, 07:28 PM
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Re: Menopause

My husband doesn't consider me all that bad... I assume I am in this Peri M thing at age 46....I don't know.

I was going to start taking St Johns Wort in hopes it might calm me a little- a few yrs back... I do get a little out of sorts feeling like this ......I can sometimes feel this cloud hovering....I recognize it...he is able to make jokes about it... and I just agree with him.. it's COOL..... which helps really - love his attitude..

I will cry at a Hallmark commercial, a song, my irritation with the kids is noticeably higher.....I'm simply MORE INTENSE - no matter the emotion..... I also need even more of his affection during this time...all he cares is I don't get too critical with him... but he's told me he didn't want me taking anything.. No hot flashes or anything like that.

So yeah... my husband is content to understand what I am going through...and loves me anyway. I try to not rail too bad during these times...I am sure it helps a lot how our men handle us too.
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post #12 of 52 (permalink) Old 04-12-2013, 05:46 PM
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Re: Menopause

For sure, every woman is different. My wife just turned 57 and had no symptoms of menopause. In fact, she was still having periods. She had an ovary removed because of a cyst 18 months ago. At that time the doctor knew that she had a fibroid on the outside of her uterus and the next step, if it became an issue, would be a total hysterectomy. That happened 4 weeks ago. (There were complications because of endometrial scarring, but that is another story.).

Here is the thing...no hot flashes. Even her doctor is a bit surprised. No mood swings. Now to be sure, she is still recovering from major abdominal surgery, but it may be that she shows no symptoms. Her mom was the same. One day she just realized that she had not had a period for a while. That was it. So maybe her daughter will be the same.

The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to "stand up for your rights." Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out. 1 Corinthians 7:2 (The Message)
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post #13 of 52 (permalink) Old 04-12-2013, 06:12 PM
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Re: Menopause

I wonder if that woman acts immature before even Menopause started. We know hot flashes and night sweats are uncomfortable, but this is not a reason to make people around miserable. I hope you advised the man to tell his wife to find hormones, there are so many over the counter and others she can get online, no reason to use menopause as excuses . If it is a decrease in sexual activity, may be I will understand but hormones are there to help her.
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post #14 of 52 (permalink) Old 04-12-2013, 07:59 PM
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Re: Menopause

Could the time between perimenopause and menause last 10 years. And could this be part of the emotional disconnect from me? I would ask her, but she gets all pizzed when I bring up our relationship.
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post #15 of 52 (permalink) Old 04-12-2013, 10:02 PM
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Re: Menopause

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Originally Posted by Fleur de Cactus View Post
I wonder if that woman acts immature before even Menopause started. We know hot flashes and night sweats are uncomfortable, but this is not a reason to make people around miserable. I hope you advised the man to tell his wife to find hormones, there are so many over the counter and others she can get online, no reason to use menopause as excuses . If it is a decrease in sexual activity, may be I will understand but hormones are there to help her.
Agree that menopause should not be an excuse for wife to flare up. But I guess at the initial phase, man should also try to understand what your wife is going through (she might not know that there can be medicines out there to help her when she first start experiencing menopause symptoms?). So as a husband, help her find out these solutions to relief her pain and discomfort? And don't take it personally when she throw tantrums at you - she doesn't mean it.

But, of course, the wife should also not totally ignore her sudden mood swings and take it for granted that the husband should tolerate her. Find out what you can do to help yourself as well. Apart from medicines, there are many ways to help relief the symptoms of menopause: get a healthy diet and have regular exercises. These help to better cope with menopausal changes.

Hope this will help!
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